To expect my ex to see his son on Christmas day FROM MY POINT OF VIEW

[fabsi]

Ok, so yesterday i posted a thread, perhaps in bitterness, to see just unreasonable my ex and his wife are being. I am a lone parent, my ds is 5 and has a good relationship with my ex, his sm and his dcs. My son stays over every saturday night and adores his time with his dad and ss. Last year, my ex "told" me he wouldn't be coming over on christmas day as the year before his dd was "very" upset when he left and didn't want the same happening again this year. I said no way! He did come over in the end, but only stayed 40 minutes. He has asked me a couple of times what to do about bringing the presents over for ds, as he doesn't want to bring them on christmas day, he should have them to open from santa. Fair enough. But i know what's coming. He split with me after 10 years together, he said he'd never loved me and had found someone else. 4 months after we spilt, i found out i was pregnant and i was 6 months gone (no i didn't know, it was never planned and i never thought i could get pregnant as i have a disability and my periods have always been all over the place) I asked for him back several times, but he was in love with his new woman and i was left alone, thankfully i have a supportive family. I had my son and he came to visit every week, at first i didn't want any contact (ds and sm) because i was obviously incredibly bitter. Then sm got pregnant and had a dd and then a year later got married. I admit, i did make access hard, and didn't allow him to take ds out, so he went to a solicitor and i gave in and said ok. I'm glad i did, as ds loves my ex and his family. Yes, i hate her. For taking my man away, but i know she treats ds as one of her own. But, i have heard, from ex's family memebers she doesn't like ex coming over on xmas day and so i think she is the reason he doesn't really want to come over, to keep her happy. THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD EVER ALLOW MY SON over to his dads on xmas day. I am alone and he is all i have. His dad should make the effort to come over here, as many of you have said, his other children have him ALL DAY!!! Sorry for reverse AIBU, but i really do hate that he or she doesn't want to see ds on xmas day. It made me feel better. So, thank you for all your replies.

Knockneed

She's already decided - in one of her subsequent posts she said ''i am sticking to my guns on not letting him got to xp xmas day.''

Umpteen pages of posters expressing their horror and sadness at her behaviour, but she can't/won't/doesn't want to face up to what she's doing to her DS.

Ateal the Exp has started legal action once before and the OP backed down so maybe he will try again and get to see his DS for a reasonable amount of time.

The sooner the UK legal system imposes shared parenting on separated parents the better, the less bitterness and fighting over custody and maintenance rates there will be. It's a great pity for the OP's child that they do not live in France or Germany of Australia or Belgium or other countries where children get to spend time as the norm with both parents.

Ok so I've just looked at the OPs original thread on Monday and now I'm completely confused...

Yeah - the OP will be the MIL from hell trying to control her ds's life even when HE is married and has dc. She won't take kindly to a DIL 'taking her ds away from her', and even wanting to spend alternate Christmasses with HER parents, because 'He is all I have' .

for your DS, OP. You have a choice, right now. You are at a crossroads. I assume that in posting this OP, you wanted to see if you were being reasonable. You're NOT. You can choose to let go of the bitterness, for your DS's sake, and make it so that your Ex, his DW and your DS's siblings are much more of a fixture in his life and that THEY are building a good relationship - or you can choose to go down a route that will be very emotionally damaging for your DS in the long-term, not letting him build a proper relationship with his father, putting guilt-trips on him by saying things like 'He is all I have'.

OP - Try reading the Stately Homes threads in relationships, and ask yourself if the posts on there are the kind of thing you want to see your DS saying about you when he is an adult. If not, then you need to let go of the bitterness towards your Ex, and stop letting your own issues with your Ex come between your son and his father. Stop making your DS responsible for YOUR emotional wellbeing.

You have a choice. Make the right one. Make the choice to do what is RIGHT for your SON. Even if that is what is WRONG for YOU.

Just because it is wrong for you, it doesn't automatically follow that it will be wrong for your ds. And, just as equally, just because it is right for you, it doesn't automatically follow that it is the right thing for your ds.

The right thing for you can be the wrong thing for him, and the right thing for him can be the wrong thing for you. In that case, you as a parent have to decide whether to put your own interests first or your child's. A GOOD parent will put their child's interests first, even if it breaks their heart to do so, IMO.

Mistletoe that was when the OP was writing it from the ExP DW side but with a whole lot of assumption going on.
Possibly OP was hoping that everyone would jump on the back of the the evil step mother, sadly it didn't work out like that.

this thread has got a lot of replies but the op isnt listening and has gone of assuming to make a cup of and isnt bothered

Hunty I imagine it takes alot for you to post about your experiences but sadly I don't think the OP is listening. No matter what you tell her I don't think she will get it because she is thinking of herself and not her DS.
Think its fab though the way you have managed to handle things and believe me I understand how hard it is but we do it because we love our DC.

knockneed i think you are right so I shall do the same.
This thread has pissed me off so much - hate, hate, hate seeing children used as pawns.
Off for a maybe just maybe the OP is reading and taking some of it in. Doubt it though.

In our experience the emotional abuse and manipulation of the dscs started young.

Dsd will not stand up for her mother because at 16 she believes she is responsible for her mothers happiness, itches tainted her childhoo and she dreads special events - she can't dream of the future, weddings, graduations, etc, because she already knows her mother will make them a nightmare of choice.

Dsd does however now lie to her mother - frequently - in order to visit me her dad and siblings, because it's easier to lie than face the grief her mother gives her.

This is an issue (the lying) that is spilling over into other areas of her life.

It's heart breaking - it truly is.

I could never put my children through this.

I also think shared care should be the way forward in many cases. My mini dcs adore their daddy and if we ever split, for any reason at all - I would never deny them time with him.

If it was just Christmas day it wouldn't be so bad, but I have a feeling it's other days as well - any day that isn't Saturday in fact.

i think its touched alot of people on this thread and some have been through it themselfs so they know what there talking about cant the op see it from there side instead of being selfish.

MJ - like you if we were to split I would never ever stop my children from seeing their father. The adore him and the only reason that I would stop them from seeing him would be for my own selfish reasons. That wouldn't do anyone any good apart from me seeing him hurt.l But I would see them hurt too and that would break my heart.

I think that the reason I deal with my Ex in the way that I do is because as a child, I had separated parents. I lived with my father, and HE acted the way the OP is. It put so much emotional strain on me when I was growing up, that I never wanted to put my dc through that. So, though I was bitter for the first 6 months after my split from my Ex-H (DS1's dad), and I still to this day find it VERY difficult to deal with DS1's SM (a very controlling woman, and the OW to boot), I swallow my anger and my pride and my feelings so as to help DS1 NOT to feel the way I did when I was growing up.

Always afraid to say what I really wanted, for fear of upsetting either one parent or the other, trying to please everyone and ending up pleasing no-one,feeling like it was MY job to keep my dad happy, but not wanting to upset my mum either.

It only stopped when my dad killed himself. Because I had been spoken to by a Judge, in family court, as my mother was petitioning to have residency back, and I had said that I wanted to live with my mother. I was 10yo. What a legacy to leave your child - that because I said I wanted to live with my mother, he then felt he had 'no reason left to live for'. That is an AWFUL emotional burden to put on a child. One that no child should have to live with, and one that haunts me even 20 years later. Even though the rational, adult part of me KNOWS that I was not responsible for my dad's happiness, the child in me sees that if I had only told the judge that I wanted to continue living with my dad, then he moght still be here now...

I SWORE that, no matter HOW hard it was, my own dc would NEVER feel that sort of an emotional burden.

Hunty sadly I know where you are coming from. My mum did the same. I hated feeling in the middle of their mess. The last words I said to her were "choose me or dad" (it was a violent relationship) Even though I was 16 at the time I have never forgiven myself.
With my DS (his dad left me when I was 4months preghnant) I swore my DS would never feel caught in the middle. Sadly, DSs dad died earlier this year after not seeing him for 6 months but I know that I can look my DS in the eye and know I did all I could to help their relationship. At times it killed me but I did it anyway.
Sending you hugs hunty and wishing you a happy christmas.

Hunty :( God, what an awful, awful thing to do to a child.

Jeez Hunty - you poor love, what a godawfully selfish thing for your Dad to have done! However sad or angry or ill/unstable he was, there was no need to leave you with that legacy :( :(
Akiram, are you saying your mum did the same as Hunty's Dad? In which case, same comment to you too.

So very sad when parents are too selfish to put their child's wants, needs and general wellbeing and happiness ahead of their own. You don't have to completely martyr yourself to your child, but FGS! Have some thought about what damage you could be doing!

It is what makes me SO vehemently opposed to someone behaving the way the OP is, acting like their child is a possession rather than a person, and that person has TWO parents and TWO families and TWO houses. And it is wrong for her to behave otherwise. It should be classed as abuse, to do this sort of thing to a child, IMO. And parents that do this should be punished as if it is abuse. Because it bloody well is. A child is NOT the possession of it's mother or father.

The father did NOT leave her KNOWINGLY while she was pregnant - he left for someone else (who he may or may not have slept with before the end of the relationship he was in with the OP, which is irrelavent anyway), and he didn't find out until 4 months LATER that the OP was pregnant. By which time, his new partner WAS pregnant - and he KNEW she was pregnant!

She needs to understand that if her ex has MARRIED AND HAD DC with his DW - He is never coming back to HER. YOUR relationship with your ex is over - if he never wants to enter your home again, he doesn't have to.

OP - Your son NEEDS to spend time with his father in HIS OTHER HOME. Anything else IBvvvvvvU.

. Not many people know the enduring feeling, that lives on long after it, do they? .

Akiram - I hope you cope well, day-to-day. I do now, it took me a lot of years though. Happy Christmas.

Three Words: Narcissistic Personality Disorder

As we all know, there is no solution when the person concerned (OP) has NPD as they live in their own world with their own rules and are unable to see things from the point of view of others.

Poor little boy.....

My children will always spend Christmas at home until they are adults making their own decisions. My ex went off with ow when I was pg with planned baby no.3 & didn't see him for a year. They see ex & ow on Boxing day. He sees the kids when it fits in with him & he doesn't do any of the looking after so as far as I'm concerned the children spend Christmas at home. BTW they love their Dad BUT they are not his number 1 priority in the same way they are mine.

I have the hard work but I also get the enjoyment of being with my children on special occasions.

It says that he told the op after 10 years that he didn't love her and had found someone else - how is that not cheating?
I have no sympathy for the ex to be honest and I don't think the op owes HIM anything. I do have sympathy for her son though and when her bitterness towards her ex is negatively affecting him (ie he can NEVER see his sibling on Christmas day, is awkward about him seeing his dad) she needs to rein it in.

RedHelen. So your dc will never get to experience opening their stockings at their father's house. Because he cheated on YOU? That's fair for your dc, isn't it??

I COULD choose to act like that, given the circumstances of my divorce with Ex-H. I choose NOT to act like that, because it doesn't benefit MY SON.

I might feel like shit when he is at his dad, I might feel resentful that I pay for absolutely EVERYTHING my DS1 has, I might feel bitter that because he is having another child with the OW, my maintenance will go from £1.36 a week to NOTHING. I might feel bitter that I didn't see my DS1's first steps - the OW did. But it is MY JOB to make sure that my DS1 has NO idea about those things through his childhood. Because that will make my DS1 feel responsible for MY happiness. And he isn't. I am.

I DO feel bitter about it, of course I bloody do, I'm human, not a bloody saint. BUT, and it's a big BUT, it was MY feelings that were hurt. Not DS1's.

DS1 and his dad have a very good relationship now, I bite my tongue and yell and scream on MN when DS1's dad and SM are being awful. And in the long run, THAT will benefit my DS1 the most - because he won't have felt pulled between us. He will hopefully have a very good relationship with both me AND his dad when he is an adult.

redhelen, if they came to you and said they really wanted to be with their dad on xmas day what would you do? (Curious not having a go btw!)
I think it might be slightly different in this case, for a year he didn't behave like a father - op's ex discovered her pg (unexpected for both parties) and has tried to play a part, has wanted to take action through the courts to ensure that he gets his access and has obviously involved him as much as possible in his family life with his dw and children. I do feel sorry for the op but the way she is behaving makes it very hard to be on her side. The op's ex looks like he really wants more involvement and not just him and the op's ds but with his family too as they are all family together. I think it is admirable to try and treat all children the same, the stumbling block here is the op. BTW so sorry your arse of a husband left you and your children, I know people fall out of love but he was an arse, and the fact he made no contact for a year puts him below slime afaic.