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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my ex to see his son on Christmas day FROM MY POINT OF VIEW

575 replies

fabsi · 13/12/2011 10:29

Ok, so yesterday i posted a thread, perhaps in bitterness, to see just unreasonable my ex and his wife are being. I am a lone parent, my ds is 5 and has a good relationship with my ex, his sm and his dcs. My son stays over every saturday night and adores his time with his dad and ss. Last year, my ex "told" me he wouldn't be coming over on christmas day as the year before his dd was "very" upset when he left and didn't want the same happening again this year. I said no way! He did come over in the end, but only stayed 40 minutes. He has asked me a couple of times what to do about bringing the presents over for ds, as he doesn't want to bring them on christmas day, he should have them to open from santa. Fair enough. But i know what's coming. He split with me after 10 years together, he said he'd never loved me and had found someone else. 4 months after we spilt, i found out i was pregnant and i was 6 months gone (no i didn't know, it was never planned and i never thought i could get pregnant as i have a disability and my periods have always been all over the place) I asked for him back several times, but he was in love with his new woman and i was left alone, thankfully i have a supportive family. I had my son and he came to visit every week, at first i didn't want any contact (ds and sm) because i was obviously incredibly bitter. Then sm got pregnant and had a dd and then a year later got married. I admit, i did make access hard, and didn't allow him to take ds out, so he went to a solicitor and i gave in and said ok. I'm glad i did, as ds loves my ex and his family. Yes, i hate her. For taking my man away, but i know she treats ds as one of her own. But, i have heard, from ex's family memebers she doesn't like ex coming over on xmas day and so i think she is the reason he doesn't really want to come over, to keep her happy. THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD EVER ALLOW MY SON over to his dads on xmas day. I am alone and he is all i have. His dad should make the effort to come over here, as many of you have said, his other children have him ALL DAY!!! Sorry for reverse AIBU, but i really do hate that he or she doesn't want to see ds on xmas day. It made me feel better. So, thank you for all your replies.

OP posts:
ConstanceNoring · 14/12/2011 11:29

I agree with squeaky on this, I would think it is more the norm for christmases to be shared alternately. OP you could end up with the whole christmas without DS every other year, and you would have to accept it. Hard for you I know - but it comes with the territory.

DH has had this ever since he and ex split when his DSs were 1 and 3, and long before he was with me or had our DSs.

Fwiw the DSSs still refer to it as 'Mum's Christmas" when they celebrate it with her - they've never missed it IYSWIM.

ConstanceNoring · 14/12/2011 11:29

or felt like they were missing out, - in fact they get the best of both worlds. Think of your son, OP, that's the bottom line.

rarebreed · 14/12/2011 11:29

In my opinion/experience, i would much rather have split the day between Mum and Dad than not seeing one of them at all IYSWIM, although i know that isn't always possible due to distances etc.

My Mum had an affair and left my Dad, so he could have very easily made things difficult. He didn't, because it wasn't about him.

Pandemoniaa · 14/12/2011 11:30

"Your X gave up the right to having his cake and eating it the day he decided to be a cheat. His wife gave it up the day she decided to be a tramp"

So you think it is perfectly reasonable to punish the child for the alleged sins of his father do you, barbie? Despite the fact that the father did not know the OP was pregnant when he left?

I don't condone infidelity but I do think that using your child as a weapon is unforgivable and terribly damaging.

WhoWhoWhoWho · 14/12/2011 11:31

My xmas arrangements are that we do the same every year rather than alternating the arrangements, as that would be confusing and unsettling for our DS. So DS wakes up at home on xmas day, opens his presents and has xmas dinner with me, then at about 4/5pm his dad picks him up and he sleeps overnight there and comes back around noon on boxing day.

As a child I went to my dad's boxing day morning, stayed over and came home next day. Same every year.

The point is it's about working out what is best for the child without letting your own personal feelings come into it. I think very little of my ex but he is my son's father, and OUR DS has bonds at his house with his half siblings and step siblings. I would never make it hard for them to spend time together so I put my DS first before myself. Isn't that what mum's are supposed to do??

Akiram · 14/12/2011 11:32

In fairness dreaming you had Thanksgiving with your dad so you still got to celebrate a day with him. The OP has not suggested that DS could go to his dsds for Christmas Eve nor Boxing Day instead (though as far as we know he has not suggested it either)
Do children really care if they have perfectly equal time with each parent? I think they just want to be happy.
Its not about having equal time it is about the child being happy.
The fact that the OP focuses on the Exp being with her at Christmas as opposed to the "DW" (her quotations and remark not mine) suggests that its not about her DS being happy its about the OP still being unhappy that her Exp left her 5years ago BEFORE EITHER OF THEM KNEW SHE WAS PREGNANT
Sqeaky I hope so, I really do. But I wonder how many hours and how many thousands of pounds are wasted in a court room in order to solve something purely because an Exp is biutter (ie no violence, no abuse) it makes a mockery of the parents who truly have a fight on their hands.

Akiram · 14/12/2011 11:37

Ateal you say if the only chance I had to see my child was for an hour on Christmas Day I would take that opportunity and make the most of it.
But what if the child wants to see the parent for more time? We have heard on this thread of children who dare not tell their mum they want to see their dad on Christmas day incase they upset her, that's not right surely?
This child is only 5 and would probably enjoy Christmas whatever the arrangement are as long as he has some presents but what about in a couple of years when his mum is still bitter and still adamant he can "never go to his dads for Christmas" (her words not mine) and DS wants to be with his siblings on Chrsitmas day. What then?

Pandemoniaa · 14/12/2011 11:39

I'm also a bit Shock by these words in the OP's post:
I asked for him back several times...

It may be a Freudian slip but it does put her ex on the same footing as a DVD or a lawnmower that's been lent to your neighbours.

None of the parties in this sorry tale are possessions. Starting with the poor child at the centre of it all.

MistletoeAndFlump · 14/12/2011 11:40

Haven't read all the thread OP, but my response to your opening post is -

I do feel sorry for your situation - you are clearly still pretty messed up about your relationship with your DCs father ending.

But you have to try and separate (in your head) your sons relationship with his dad, and your feelings towards his dad. Your son deserves to see his dad as much as he wants to - Christmas or whenever. If that means he is with his dad on Christmas Day and you are therefore not with him, that is your problem, to be blunt (sorry). You need to make sure you have other things arranged with your family so you don't then spend all day alone and miserable.

Don't allow your son to grow up feeling responsible for your happiness - as he gets older you could (inadvertently) make him feel guilty and pretty shit about the whole situation if it carries on the way it is.

Let your son be a child, and put 100% effort into looking forward, not backwards, and doing everything you can to build yourself a happy, full life Smile

Bitterness is a horribly destructive emotion - don't let it get you.

exoticfruits · 14/12/2011 11:41

I always asked myself could I jusitfy it to myself when DS was older

That is what OP needs to do-with the understanding that 'you are all I had' isn't a justification and has nothing whatever to do with it. It is like people saying 'I want a baby, to love me'-it is too much of a burden for a DC-they are not responsible for a parent's emotional well being.

PeanutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 14/12/2011 11:44

I agree doesnotgiveafig

Thread still going and OP is nowhere to be seen and has obviously made her mind up anyway.

Again am sure DS would be very excited to see his DF and extended family for an hour or two on christmas day.

ITS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU OP Xmas Sad

Akiram · 14/12/2011 11:47

Exoticfruits believe me, whenever I asked myself that question the answer wasn't what I always wanted to hear. But DS had to come first and I had to accept it.
Fucking hell I thought I came from a fucked up family but reading some posts on here where people are justifying the actions of the OP is really beyond contempt.

exoticfruits · 14/12/2011 11:47

She is not to be seen because it hasn't turned out the way she wanted.

knockneedandknackered · 14/12/2011 11:50

its interesting that the op hasent posted yet has she decided what shes going to do?

Ateallthepurpleones · 14/12/2011 11:52

I'd rather see them for an hour than have them wondering why I wasn't there at all.

And of course it isn't right that children don't voice their opinions to their parent for fear of upsetting them, and the conversations when they start asking questions about why you can't see them more are really, really hard, but you just have to find the right words and make the right noises.

My experience with my dsd was that as she got older, she started to question the ridiculous court order that said she could never spend Christmas Eve or Day with her Dad and started to question her mum herself. Thankfully it coincided with her mum becoming less angry and controlling, so dsd's wishes to alternate were taken into account - but if that hadn't happened then I think it would have been a case of going back to Court.

Akiram · 14/12/2011 11:54

Of course she has knockneed
She said this in her first post THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD EVER ALLOW MY SON over to his dads on xmas day.I am alone and he is all i have
So no matter what anyone here has said she will only be happy with Exp coming to hers (after all his DW has him all the other days) and no alternative will be given.

PeanutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 14/12/2011 11:55

First post Knockneed
there is noway I would ever allow my son over to his Dads on christmas day Confused

Akiram · 14/12/2011 11:57

Ateal Its great that your DSD felt able to speak up for herself but what about the children who don't?
Surely it's not up to the children to force the things they would like to happen, isn't it up to the parents/step parents to make sure that the children get to spend time with both parents in their home?

WhoopsyLa · 14/12/2011 11:58

There WILL come a day when your DS is older...maybe by the time he's 9 or 10..and he will ask to spend Christmas at his Dads. I hope you let him and don't make poor DS feel guilty for leaving you. WHy are you all alone on Christmas? I thought you said you had a good family?

Figgyrollsintoapudding · 14/12/2011 12:02

I think the key is the "his dw has him all the other days". Yup because they are married, you aren't and aren't his mistress you split up he married someone else. None of this is about a 5 yo ds its all about the op and her attempt to control the situation.

Akiram · 14/12/2011 12:04

Sadly I think you are right Figgy.
What a sad state of affairs.

knockneedandknackered · 14/12/2011 12:06

That is Sad the op has had a hard time but she really needs to let it go and let him stay for xmas if this is what the child wants. you cant wrap them up and control them just for your own selfishneeds your making him feel like an outsider on xmas day just because you dont want to be on your own you should be happy that the father seems interested in the child it is awful that one child was left crying while the other your son got the pleasure of just 40mins

Figgyrollsintoapudding · 14/12/2011 12:07

Akiram all I can think of is in 30 years time a man who will never have a proper relationship as he won't be allowed to leave his controlling mother. Or years of therapy to help him get over the guilt of not seeing one family on important days or if he does go one christmas overwhelming guilt that he isn't with his mother. Bleak christmas' for him poor little boy as he will never ever feel he is doing the right thing.

Ateallthepurpleones · 14/12/2011 12:08

There's always the court process, which is far from an ideal situation - but is there if one party just won't be reasonable or an agreement can't be reached.

And of course the adults involved should be sorting things out sensibly and fairly, I'm not sure why think I don't think that should be the case? It's one of the reasons why dsd and her Dad (now my xh) are coming to spend the morning and maybe the day with dd and I on Christmas Day.

But the fact remains that any negotiation isn't going to happen in this case, so for me it would be a case of making the most of it. You take the contact that is on offer because you have no other option.

Akiram · 14/12/2011 12:10

Sadly I know the first man you are describing all too well. He hated Christmas having to be there for his mum.
I don't think OP is listening, her bitterness overrides the wellbeing of her son. Some people are just like that. Horrible though isn't it.