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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my ex to see his son on Christmas day FROM MY POINT OF VIEW

575 replies

fabsi · 13/12/2011 10:29

Ok, so yesterday i posted a thread, perhaps in bitterness, to see just unreasonable my ex and his wife are being. I am a lone parent, my ds is 5 and has a good relationship with my ex, his sm and his dcs. My son stays over every saturday night and adores his time with his dad and ss. Last year, my ex "told" me he wouldn't be coming over on christmas day as the year before his dd was "very" upset when he left and didn't want the same happening again this year. I said no way! He did come over in the end, but only stayed 40 minutes. He has asked me a couple of times what to do about bringing the presents over for ds, as he doesn't want to bring them on christmas day, he should have them to open from santa. Fair enough. But i know what's coming. He split with me after 10 years together, he said he'd never loved me and had found someone else. 4 months after we spilt, i found out i was pregnant and i was 6 months gone (no i didn't know, it was never planned and i never thought i could get pregnant as i have a disability and my periods have always been all over the place) I asked for him back several times, but he was in love with his new woman and i was left alone, thankfully i have a supportive family. I had my son and he came to visit every week, at first i didn't want any contact (ds and sm) because i was obviously incredibly bitter. Then sm got pregnant and had a dd and then a year later got married. I admit, i did make access hard, and didn't allow him to take ds out, so he went to a solicitor and i gave in and said ok. I'm glad i did, as ds loves my ex and his family. Yes, i hate her. For taking my man away, but i know she treats ds as one of her own. But, i have heard, from ex's family memebers she doesn't like ex coming over on xmas day and so i think she is the reason he doesn't really want to come over, to keep her happy. THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD EVER ALLOW MY SON over to his dads on xmas day. I am alone and he is all i have. His dad should make the effort to come over here, as many of you have said, his other children have him ALL DAY!!! Sorry for reverse AIBU, but i really do hate that he or she doesn't want to see ds on xmas day. It made me feel better. So, thank you for all your replies.

OP posts:
Akiram · 14/12/2011 10:49

Cross post Barbie. But people end relationships all the time and not always in the right way. But he didn't abandon or leave* his son.

Akiram · 14/12/2011 10:51

why does the OP consider she "took" him?
When will people realise that you can't steal another person!

Also, if he never loved her - why was he sleeping with her (getting her pregnant) clearly to the very end?
Yes that was shit to say after 10years that he had never loved her. But that doesn't excuse the Op, 5 years later, still making her DS a pawn in her bitter game.

OldeChestnut · 14/12/2011 10:55

maybe he thought he loved her, but when he met the other woman, realised what love really was

happens all the time

ChristinedePizanne · 14/12/2011 10:55

Barbie - you are making the same mistake as the OP which is punishing her DS for the failings of his father.

People fall out of love, it happens. People carry on having sex with people they are no longer in love with. People meet other people which makes them realise that their existing relationship isn't working.

None of that is relevant. Her DS has the right to spend time with his dad and his siblings on Xmas day, and as many people have pointed out, were he to pursue this through legal routes, he would get to see a lot more of his DS than he currently does. So really it would be best for the OP and her DS if she let him spend time with his dad on Xmas day at his dad's house.

Otherwise, this time next year, she might find she doesn't see him at all on Xmas day.

Ateallthepurpleones · 14/12/2011 10:56

They sound as bad as each other.

It's totally unreasonable of the OP to say that his son can never go to his Dad's on Christmas Day. It's totally unreasonable of the Dad to turn down the opportunity to see his son and give him his presents.

cory · 14/12/2011 11:02

The bit that worries me is that the OP is still after 5 years (so not just while in shock from the initial break-up) saying that she needs to have her ds with her "because he is all I have". This is a terrible burden to lay on a child. In another 5 years or so he will enter the pre-teen stage where he needs to assert his independence, and then his teens where other people may become equally important to him (first girlfriend). This will terribly hard for both of them if she feels she has a right always to be number one in his life because he is all she has. She needs help to move on before he gets to an age where her needs cause a rift between them.

squeakytoy · 14/12/2011 11:04

I can understand the Dad. He has to leave the excitement of seeing one child, and a child crying for him not to leave, to go to see his other child, spend an hour being glowered at by that childs mother, then probably have to leave and have another child begging him to stay longer.

The sensible and only fair solution is either to let the son stay over at his dads on xmas eve, pick him up at lunchtime on xmas day, or drop him off at lunchtime on xmas day, and pick him up boxing day. That way, both parents get an equal amount of time with him. Tough bloody shit if the mother doesnt "want" to do it, she should put her own selfish wants aside, and put her childs memories and happiness first.

Akiram · 14/12/2011 11:07

I agree Cory.
There could be trouble ahead and it's all so unneccessary because the bare bones of this situation is a little boy who has lots of people loving him and wanting to share occasions with him. How can that ever be a bad thing?
Also, dare I say it, if the OP ever moves on and meets someone then she will be greatful for the childfree hours she has to persue other hobbies and friendships/relationships.

ChristinedePizanne · 14/12/2011 11:09

I also expect that the DS's other siblings would like to see their brother on Xmas day. To them, from a children's point of view, they must think it's very odd that this is the one day of the year when their brother is effectively banned from going to their home.

Akiram · 14/12/2011 11:09

~*grateful
I'm not sure that is the right word but it certainly gives her the chance to get out there and fill her life as opposed to relying on her DS.

knockneedandknackered · 14/12/2011 11:10

never been in this situation it must be hard for you but if your son whants to spend time other there let him you can't control him.

Akiram · 14/12/2011 11:12

knockneed she can control him though. She already has, by stopping him spending his time with his dad and siblings on Christmas day at his other home.

squeakytoy · 14/12/2011 11:15

akiram, I have known women who are so bitter that "moving on" is never going to be an option. Even when their child is 16 and trying to be independant, they are smothering them and building their whole life around them, to the point that the child cant wait to escape. And then there is a very lonely bitter older woman, who has wasted so many years of her life.

sweetsantababy · 14/12/2011 11:17

Of course YABU, why can't your DS go to his dads for a few hours on christmas day. Get over it.

WhoWhoWhoWho · 14/12/2011 11:17

Why did you feel the need to post this again as a new thread? Your new OP just shows you in an even worse light TBH and I stand by my point of view I had on your last thread.

Your DS should get to spend time with his dad, sm, and younger siblings over xmas, be that part of the day every year, or you alternate which house he is in for xmas day each year. You are being selfish, cruel and stubborn and your little boy is missing out because of your selfishness.

I wouldn't blame your ex at all if he were to go back to solicitors and get xmas contact agreements done officially too, how horrid for him and for your DS that you are putting yourself first.

Why not try being a grown up and doing the right thing for your son?

rarebreed · 14/12/2011 11:19

I really don't understand..

Dad picks him up, you put some Xmas music on, start the dinner/have a relaxing bath/phone family to say Happy Christmas and then your son comes back and you carry on as normal. Whats the problem.

It's not about you and your jealousy, its about your son. Grow up.

My parents split up when i was 3 and my Mum never used me as a weapon, thank god.

knockneedandknackered · 14/12/2011 11:19

its not fair the child cant see the other siblings on christmas day cant the op take each christmas in turns?

mrsjay · 14/12/2011 11:20

squeakytoy My MIl was that bitter woman who would follow her son while he was out with his gf and try and control everything he did , it was really sad for everybody ,

Akiram · 14/12/2011 11:21

Squeaky it's awful isn't it?
I know how hard I worked to make sure ExP could see DS (didn't work but at least DS knew I tried).
I feel for OP but she really has to get through this. I wish one of her "supportive" family members would be honest with her and guide her to do the right thing.
I hope the father of DS doesn't take this lying down but he probably will. Its very hard to fight against a mother I imagine and I just hope that the DS doesn't grow up as twisted and bitter as the OP.

sweetsantababy · 14/12/2011 11:22

Your holding on to the last bit of control you have, it will end in tears. Sad One day in the not to distant future your son will make his own decsions, don't make your son choose its not fair.

squeakytoy · 14/12/2011 11:22

I would also say, if the OP continues her campaign of obstructiveness, the ex may well push for 50/50, or even resident parent. If OP keeps up this attitude, he stands a fair chance of a judge listening to him as well.

Be very careful OP.

squeakytoy · 14/12/2011 11:24

Akiram..

from the OP first post

I admit, i did make access hard, and didn't allow him to take ds out, so he went to a solicitor and i gave in and said ok. I'm glad i did, as ds loves my ex and his family. Yes, i hate her. For taking my man away, but i know she treats ds as one of her own.

I dont think this is a dad who will take it lying down and let her get away with it...

dreamingbohemian · 14/12/2011 11:25

I feel really bad for the OP. Maybe she's being a little bit unreasonable, but I have no idea why people are spewing such bile toward her and making such massive assumptions about her as a person.

My parents were divorced and I would have hated spending alternate christmases with my parents. As far as I know my mum just nixed the idea and while you all would have called her a selfish, bitter, horrible mum -- I think in my case she was right. However messed up my family is, I have wonderful Christmas memories and traditions.

Instead I spent every Thanksgiving (american) with my dad. So I have wonderful Thanksgiving memories of him.

I find it a bit strange that so many people saying to do what's best for the child are advocating alternate christmases, when that seems to me to be the very definition of doing what's best for the parents -- i.e., equal access so no one 'wins'. Do children really care if they have perfectly equal time with each parent? I think they just want to be happy.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 14/12/2011 11:26

I don't understand why this thread is still going - we've established the OP doesn't care for reasonable mature ways of sorting the situation, or indeed, her son's happiness this Christmas time, just wanted everyone to say "YANBU" and agree with her. Bit pointless really.

Ateallthepurpleones · 14/12/2011 11:27

There are lots of sensible solutions, but that isn't happening here.

If the only chance I had to see my child was for an hour on Christmas Day I would take that opportunity and make the most of it. I wouldn't want to teach the child that lived with me that their tears were enough to stop me from seeing their sibling - and I would be explaining to them that they needed to share my time. And I wouldn't want to teach the child I didn't live with that I couldn't be bothered to see them either. He can take his daughter with him and the siblings can be together. For me, it would be a case of making the best of it.