To expect my ex to see his son on Christmas day FROM MY POINT OF VIEW

[fabsi]

Ok, so yesterday i posted a thread, perhaps in bitterness, to see just unreasonable my ex and his wife are being. I am a lone parent, my ds is 5 and has a good relationship with my ex, his sm and his dcs. My son stays over every saturday night and adores his time with his dad and ss. Last year, my ex "told" me he wouldn't be coming over on christmas day as the year before his dd was "very" upset when he left and didn't want the same happening again this year. I said no way! He did come over in the end, but only stayed 40 minutes. He has asked me a couple of times what to do about bringing the presents over for ds, as he doesn't want to bring them on christmas day, he should have them to open from santa. Fair enough. But i know what's coming. He split with me after 10 years together, he said he'd never loved me and had found someone else. 4 months after we spilt, i found out i was pregnant and i was 6 months gone (no i didn't know, it was never planned and i never thought i could get pregnant as i have a disability and my periods have always been all over the place) I asked for him back several times, but he was in love with his new woman and i was left alone, thankfully i have a supportive family. I had my son and he came to visit every week, at first i didn't want any contact (ds and sm) because i was obviously incredibly bitter. Then sm got pregnant and had a dd and then a year later got married. I admit, i did make access hard, and didn't allow him to take ds out, so he went to a solicitor and i gave in and said ok. I'm glad i did, as ds loves my ex and his family. Yes, i hate her. For taking my man away, but i know she treats ds as one of her own. But, i have heard, from ex's family memebers she doesn't like ex coming over on xmas day and so i think she is the reason he doesn't really want to come over, to keep her happy. THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD EVER ALLOW MY SON over to his dads on xmas day. I am alone and he is all i have. His dad should make the effort to come over here, as many of you have said, his other children have him ALL DAY!!! Sorry for reverse AIBU, but i really do hate that he or she doesn't want to see ds on xmas day. It made me feel better. So, thank you for all your replies.

I didn't have my children for company. YABU.

Although I completely understand why a Christmas without your son would be upsetting, you need to do the right thing.

I can't imagine a Christmas alone. I'd be gutted. But I certainly wouldn't deny my children or their father their right to have a Christmas together.

If you are NOT agreeing with the OP, then I retract my statement including you, Wittsend13. But this statement : 'Either ways I disagree that the OP should be on her own.' says to me that you DO agree with her. And it was THIS statement, that you posted that made me respond the way I did.

The OP should not necessarily be ON HER OWN at Christmas. But not being alone doesn't necessarily mean that her SON has to be with her...what would she have done at Christmas had she NOT had her ds? If it is spend Christmas with other family - then she should do that if she doesn't want to be alone while her ds is at his father's for Christmas.

I cannot think for the LIFE OF ME why anybody thinks that is right to deny a child the opportunity to spend at least every other Christmas with one set of their siblings, and with their father. A child with separated parents has TWO FAMILIES AND TWO HOMES.

The child is not the OP's alone, unless she is the Virgin fucking Mary, then the child has another parent too. Even if he DID treat the OP less than pleasantly over 5 years ago - that's got FUCK ALL to do with him seeing his son AT HIS HOME AND THE HOME OF THE OP'S DS'S SIBLINGS at least every other year.

oh lord op the claws are out for you one starts and so many follow

there are far worse things than not wanting your only child to be away from you on christmas day and spend that day with the man you still love and with his partner and their children

please op try to move on, get some counselling, get out more it is hard especially when you have a child to move on but he made his choice and once you accept that your life will be easier and much happier

ds goes to his dads on christmas evening, i would not allow him to stay there for the whole day and i want him with me in the morning it is such a special time (his dad is welcome round but usually sleeping off a hangover). his dad although he does see him every week could make more effort to be a better dad but he makes the choice not too. i do most of teh hard work so yes i think i deserve this special time, one day ds may ask to stay with his dad then that is his choice but until then i shall make it about me too

fabsi, think for a moment. On your dying day, how would you like to be remembered by your family and friends? The way things are going, you will be the bitter and miserable woman who got stuck in being the "left woman" and used all weapons available, including her DS, to make her ex and his DW's life miserable. Think of that. Your DS will hate you for it. Your ex and his DW will pity you for it.

You are stuck in a moment in your life that has been gone for 5 years. Your ex has moved on. Your DS has moved on. Everyone has moved on. Only you haven't. You are still seething and hoping he will be back eventually. You are letting time go in the hopes of getting an hour with him.

Until you have moved on yourself, you won't be happy. The more you try to make other people unhappy, the more unhappy YOU will become. You won't enjoy love, a new relationship, satisfaction with your life... until you stop hating other people. Shit happens, life is unfair. But you are the only one who can build your own happiness.

Please, let this go. Let your DS be happy. Let yourself be happy. Life can be wonderful, and it is really not worth it to spend it being bitter.

HuntyCat I agree that she shouldn't be on her own. That doesn't mean I think she shouldn't allow her child to see his dad. You really shouldn't assume I fully agree with the OP. I do feel people are giving her a hard time. Does that now make me a bad person or someone who withholds their children from their father? Really HuntyCat I suggest you read what I post carefully before you come up with 10. Not once did I agree or suggest that it was ok to not allow her child to see their dad. I just sympathise with the OP as I do understand it's tough and I also suggested she tries and rebuilds her life and get thought the bitterness. Funny you failed to mention all of that.

Re: the comments about people's opinions changing between the two threads - I don't think many opinions have changed at all.

The first thread presented the DW's role in the Christmas Day issue as though it was fact and was deliberately constructed to make her appear selfish and uncaring. The second thread makes it clear that the OP's views on the DW's role is pure speculation.

And I think most people would agree that if the OP refuses to budge on the issue, the ex would be very wrong to refuse to visit on Christmas Day. The last thing the poor child needs is both parents behaving like sulky teenagers.

Honestly? This doesn't come across as if you are thinking about your son at all. This is all about getting back at your ex, his wife and their happy family that you are not part of. I actually wonder if you even love your son that much with the attitude you have come across with. Poor little boy.

And you know what - I do have some experience of this and it was fucking miserable, all I wanted was to spend xmas with my family but I had probably one in 4 with them all. I love my parents dearly I really do and I had every xmas with both of them but I wanted my siblings too and their mother wouldn't let them come.

Get over it, he found someone else, when he found out you were pg he stepped up to the mark, has wanted and followed through with contact, your ds is treated no differently by them just by you. He did nothing wrong. If you hadn't had his child there is no way he would come over to you, why can't you drop ds over there for an hour and sit in the car and wait?

I don't often write things that could possibly be deleted but by god I am glad you are not my mother.

And as if I haven't said enough I forgot to add:

REALLY you have no one else to spend xmas day with? Really? why not? do you not have any friends? family? (because upthread you said they were very supportive). Or do you and they are just fed up of listening to you moan and not get over the fact that your ex is now with someone else?

As I just asked DH - doesn't his ex wife loved their children?? Surely all you want is for them to be happy, no child can have too many people who love them.

For me this thread isn't about Christmas day alone - but the whole issue of ds being able to enjoy time with his dad and his siblings - and more than 24 hours a week at that.

Get over it, he found someone else, when he found out you were pg he stepped up to the mark, has wanted and followed through with contact, your ds is treated no differently by them just by you. He did nothing wrong.

Figgyrollsintoapudding That's a really good point.

I think that you need to think long term and if you want a lifelong, loving relationship with your DS you have to let go, tying him to you to the exclusion of others isn't going to get that result. MJinSparklyStockings, say it-no child can have too much love.

Well it does sound like he strung the op on for a decade and cheated on her to be fair so I wouldn't say he did NOTHING wrong. But he does seem to be a decent dad.

I suspect I am repeating some of what has already been said but you really must stop using your ds as a weapon against his father.

I know that arrangements for Christmas Day can be difficult when you live apart from the father of your children but I've been there (as has dp) but you have to come to a sensible compromise.

For many years, my dcs spent Christmas Eve with their father and his partner and they'd all have a lovely breakfast together and open presents. They'd then come back to me later in the morning for the rest of Christmas Day. Since they lived with me, and I got their company for the majority of the time, it seemed only fair to share Christmas nicely with their father. Despite the fact that really, deep down, I'd much rather have had them home with me. But it wasn't all about me. Or even all about their father. Instead, our joint aim was to ensure the dcs had the best possible Christmas and weren't made to feel like pawns in a nasty adult mind game.

So please, think of your ds, not yourself and take some of the very sensible advice other people have offered on this thread. Otherwise there's a very real chance that when your son is old enough to make his mind up, he'll turn his back on your embittered version of Christmas and spend all his time in what sounds like a rather happier home.

Otherwise there's a very real chance that when your son is old enough to make his mind up, he'll turn his back on your embittered version of Christmas and spend all his time in what sounds like a rather happier home.

Exactly. You get what you want in the short term-but childhood is short-you need to think to the long term.

You get what you want in the short term-but childhood is short-you need to think to the long term.
exactly Exotic.
Every time I made a decision for DS re seeing his dad (was complicated) I always asked myself could I jusitfy it to myself when DS was older. Being quite a selfish person I wanted to make sure that DS had no reason to hate me when he could understand. I always wanted to be able to look him in the eye and say that I did what I did for his benefit and in order for his relationship with his dad to flourish.
sadly it didn't work out but DS knows I did all I could short of handcuffing his dad to come and see him to ensure a relationship between them.

Roman it does say quite clearly in the op that they split up before she found out she was 6 months pregnant, not that he cheated on her. There is no indication that he was mucking around from this particular op. Strung along for a decade, well we all grow up don't we and change over a period of time. I don't often stick up for the bloke in a relationship but if you can't see any point in the relationship continuing and you have no dependents then why would you continue being miserable? Don't we all deserve a chance to be happy? He met someone else, it does happen. If they had known she was pg before the split perhaps they would have tried to work on it and they both would have been miserable and ended up with a far messier split in the end.

I am just wondering where we got to a point that splitting up with someone (when there is no marriage and no dependents) became cheating when you meet someone else? If thats the case I think 90% of people may well still be cheating even though married to someone other than their first love.

Nothing extra to add apart from that my sister is also "all alone" with her DD. Her DD still has alternate Christmas Days with her father though, as she still has two parents - whether they live together or not. Last year, when her DD was with her father, she spent the day with a good friend who's DS was also with his father & they ignored Christmas and had a pamper day with cocktails. Sounded brilliant! Obviously, both women would much rather have spent the day with their DCs but they just had to make the most of it.

I think I got to about page 5 of this thread and just gave up. I'm really shocked at all the reponses tbh.

OP, going completely against the grain here but I think you are being more than reasonable - I'm astounded by the amount of concern shown here for the wife - the woman who messed around with a man who was already in a relationship. Yes, he went too so hes equally a shit but come on now, who gives a damn if shes alone for a couple of hours Christmas morning? fuck her - she was with a man who wasnt available - his partner was pregnant - she signed up for this. If my partner had an affair and left me for someone else I really would not give a shite about the ow's feelings or how poor diddums may feel being without "her" husband for a couple of hours. You all must be extremely forgiving and holier than thou imo.

I dont think you're being selfish either, OP. Your son regulary sees his dad and sisters. You arent preventing him spending time with his dad (which obviously would be unreasonable) and yes, I can get why you would like to have your boy with you on Christmas day. Your X gave up the right to having his cake and eating it the day he decided to be a cheat. His wife gave it up the day she decided to be a tramp. I dont feel that the child is going to be emotionally scarred by spending Christmas with his mum - which Im sure involves all the usual nice things that surround this day and then seeing his dad for a few hours too. For Gods sake, what does everyone want the op to do? maybe you should go round and clean and decorate their house, cook the meal, leave your son with them and potter off home on your own while they enjoy their big "family" Christmas.

OP, stick to your guns, I hope you and your ds have a lovely day.

He DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS PREGNANT when he left her! Neither did OP.
OP has admitted that ExP wife treats her DS well. OP has admitted restricting contact between DS and EXP because OP was incredibly bitter (her words not mine), OP has admitted that she wants to spend Christmas Day with DS to stop her being on her own(understandable but not right) and OP has admitted that if she asked DS what he wanted to do (which majority of posters advised against) he would want to see his dad!

HE DIDN'T CHEAT. THEY HAD SPLIT UP BEFORE HE STARTED SEEING HIS NOW WIFE. OP FOUND OUT SHE WAS PREGNANT AFTER THEY HAD SPLIT UP AND IT WAS A SHOCK BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T THINK SHE COULD GET PREGANANT.

indeed!

All people want the OP to do is let her son stay with his Dad and siblings for Christmas morning as normal on a Saturday night/Sunday morning.

Plus it has been 5years since OP broke up with her ExP! Why hasn't she moved on and why isn't she putting her DS first?

Barbie You advise OP to stick to her guns and hope she and her DS have a nice day. I am sure they will. He is 5. But what about in years to come when OP is still bitter and still obstructive re her DS seeing his dad and his other siblings at his other homeat Christmas? Then what?

barbielovesken bitter much , he had left her before he met his wife this isnt the womans fault the relationship had broken down they didnt even know a baby was on the way, this is about the OP controlling when her son can see the dad and not being able to let go of the situation

In fairness in the OP she says that her Ex told her he no longer loved her and had met someone else. So its debatable whether he cheated or not.
BUT that it was 4 months after they had split that she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

"He split with me after 10 years together, he said he'd never loved me and had found someone else."

"Yes, i hate her. For taking my man away"

Im confused.

If hed found someone else, doesnt that mean he was cheating? why does the OP consider she "took" him?

Also, if he never loved her - why was he sleeping with her (getting her pregnant) clearly to the very end?