To expect my ex to see his son on Christmas day FROM MY POINT OF VIEW

[fabsi]

Ok, so yesterday i posted a thread, perhaps in bitterness, to see just unreasonable my ex and his wife are being. I am a lone parent, my ds is 5 and has a good relationship with my ex, his sm and his dcs. My son stays over every saturday night and adores his time with his dad and ss. Last year, my ex "told" me he wouldn't be coming over on christmas day as the year before his dd was "very" upset when he left and didn't want the same happening again this year. I said no way! He did come over in the end, but only stayed 40 minutes. He has asked me a couple of times what to do about bringing the presents over for ds, as he doesn't want to bring them on christmas day, he should have them to open from santa. Fair enough. But i know what's coming. He split with me after 10 years together, he said he'd never loved me and had found someone else. 4 months after we spilt, i found out i was pregnant and i was 6 months gone (no i didn't know, it was never planned and i never thought i could get pregnant as i have a disability and my periods have always been all over the place) I asked for him back several times, but he was in love with his new woman and i was left alone, thankfully i have a supportive family. I had my son and he came to visit every week, at first i didn't want any contact (ds and sm) because i was obviously incredibly bitter. Then sm got pregnant and had a dd and then a year later got married. I admit, i did make access hard, and didn't allow him to take ds out, so he went to a solicitor and i gave in and said ok. I'm glad i did, as ds loves my ex and his family. Yes, i hate her. For taking my man away, but i know she treats ds as one of her own. But, i have heard, from ex's family memebers she doesn't like ex coming over on xmas day and so i think she is the reason he doesn't really want to come over, to keep her happy. THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD EVER ALLOW MY SON over to his dads on xmas day. I am alone and he is all i have. His dad should make the effort to come over here, as many of you have said, his other children have him ALL DAY!!! Sorry for reverse AIBU, but i really do hate that he or she doesn't want to see ds on xmas day. It made me feel better. So, thank you for all your replies.

I said on the other thread and I say again: the child should be allowed to go to his dad's for part of Christmas day. It's his day to have him ffs!! If he goes to his dad's on Xmas eve, the kids will probably be up around 6/7 at the latest so you could even have him back at 10am and they'll have had 3/4 hours together instead of 1 hour. Admit it: the real reason you want your ex to come to your house is that you want to pretend you're a happy family for an hour isn't it?

I said on a different thread about step mothers that I wouldn't make a good one because I wouldn't have my life controlled by the ex. I would be inclined to say-'right-if DH has to go over we will all drop in and see him!' (unfortunately the one likely to get the fall out would be DSS, so in RL I don't suppose I would-however, as his mother you ought to be making it easy for him and not dividing loyalties)

I do think in this situation YABU. I do not think alternate or split Christmases are right/fair in every case, but in this case given that your ex has regular contact with your son and it is your ex's normal contact day on Christmas Eve, I think you should maintain that as normal, and perhaps ask if your ex minds you picking DS up a little earlier than your normal 1pm arrangement (although bear in mind this will depend on their plans for dinner etc). You can then have the rest of the afternoon with your son and his presents at home. Perhaps once you've made the first move you and your ex can sit down and discuss a more permanent plan for special days in the future?

OP, you sound like a vile human being.

Why did you post on the other thread in a way that makes out this is about the new wife not wanting her husband to see his child? You obviously think it must be something to do with her, but I suggest you look at why your ex might be so desparate to avoid spending time with you and would rather spend some time with his son over Christmas with his family.

You think you are feeling bitter and all alone now? Wait until your ds grows up and your dil refuses to have you over for Christmas to see your grandchildren because you are so selfish and controlling.

i haven't read every point on this post so don't know if this has been said but

what if you had never got pregnant and didn't have your ds today? what would you be doing on christmas day? what will you do when he is older and make his own decisions?

I stayed at Dad's on Christmas Eve and then went to Mum's after lunch on Christmas Day from the age of ~eight onwards.

I still remember that intense guilt and anxiety when I had to leave my Dad to go to Mum's house. Worrying about whether I looked too happy to be going off to have a second Christmas, worrying if I didn't look happy enough for Mum... I thought I was probably upsetting them both, I was self-concious when opening presents (in case I preferred one over the other) and can't say I remember a relaxed Christmas as a child.

But they did their best. They really did.

You need to get some serious counselling IMO.

Could you post a link to the previous thread?

I'm going to disagree with pretty much most of you. I understand why the OP is upset and I don't think she is being vile or selfish as she is being branded here.

I find it rather upsetting reading some replies about how the OP is selfish for not wanting to be alone but the OW shouldn't be alone either. The OW wouldn't be alone if she has her children with her. I do think the OP should try and rebuild her life and maybe get out more. I mean that in the best possible way. I too am a SP and totally understand where you're coming from and why you're bitter. I honestly can't stop feeling bitter myself but I know deep down the only way to move on is to find someone else and move on. Good luck with everything OP x

But the new wife wasn't the OW - they had been split for 4 months before they met and the OP hadn't realised she was pregnant - their relationship was over.

It's not about the new wife being alone - that's nothing to do with My opinion - or most other posters - it's the OP use of her hold as her pawn and her sense of ownership, as well as the burden of responsibility for her happiness that she is placing on his small shoulders.

link to other thread

It's not about anybody being alone Wittsend.

It's about the OP changing the contact arrangement to suit herself, preventing her son from seeing his father on his regular contact day (10am Saturday to 12 noon Sunday). Worse, she is then insisting that her ex leaves his family and comes to her house to see their son anyway and branding him and his new partner as the unreasonable people in the situation when he said that her behaviour isn't fair or right and he wasn't going to do it this year.

She pretended to be the new wife to try and presented what could be for all we know an entirely false account of what this woman is supposed to have said, done and felt.

She says in her first post that she hates her ex partners wife and that she hates the fact that neither of them want to see her son on Christmas day.

Yet if the OP would stick to the original contact agreement, they would be seeing her son on Christmas day and so would she, because the agreement is until lunchtime on Sundays.

Everyone could see this little boy on Christmas day and nobody would be alone for the entire day...if the OP would put her sons feelings and needs above her own.

I understand that you want your son with you on Christmas day, but why on earth can you not compromise, and have him on alternate Christmases, or your ds go on Christmas Eve to his dads. No you do not own him, and as he gets older he will have more of an opinion and say over what HE wants to do. You do sound very selfish and self centered tbh.

MJ regardless if she was or wasn't split up I still class her as the OW I don't mean it as in the home wrecking OW. A few posts have highlighted she should help out at a homeless shelter or the like. Either ways I disagree that the OP should be on her own. I feel she is still very raw but she does need to move on. We all do in her situation. I feel sorry for her. I really do. It must be tough for her. FWIW I don't see her using her child as a pawn. It's not as if the child has asked to go and she's refused him to go. Or do I have that wrong?

NoOnesGoingToEatYourMincePies Thanks for summing that up for me. I obviously skimmed through a few replies and came up with 10!

wittsend no he hasn't asked - but the OP is clear in one of her posts she knows he would like to.

He is only 5 he won't ask.

FWIW my dsd doesn't ask - she is too scare of upsetting her mother to - doesn't make not asking a sign of nothing other than fear in her case.

Well sorry, but then YOU are ALSO putting your own feelings above that of your child, Wittsend13.

Again, I reiterate. My HUSBAND, as in we were MARRIED, CHEATED ON ME. And got the OW pregnant. When I kicked him out, he moved in with her. They now have 2, soon to be 3 dc together. But after about 6 months, I GOT THE FUCK OVER MYSELF AND STARTED PUTTING MY DS1 FIRST!!!

It was NOT my DS1's problem that his father is a cheating scumbag of a PARTNER. That's right, he is a cheating scumbag of a PARTNER. NOT a cheating scumbag of a father.

The fact that he cheated on me and got another woman pregnant when DS1 was only a few months old has NO bearing on his ability as a FATHER, it only has a bearing on his ability as a PARTNER. In no way, shape or form, should any bitterness from ME come across to DS1.

DS1 has as much right to spend Christmas with his father as he does with me.

As do my younger dc with their father. It is his Christmas with them this year, and our first one apart. It is ALSO DS3's FIRST Christmas. And if it wasn't for the fact that my Ex-P has been forced to work from 7am-12pm, I would have MISSED HIS FIRST CHRISTMAS. As it is - I am shoving down my feelings for my abusive bell-end of an Ex-P who walked out leaving me with a disabled 8yo and a 4mo baby, and he is coming straight here when he has finished his shift at work - and staying until his dc have gone to bed. It will be HELL for me to do that - but it is their RIGHT to spend this Christmas with their father, and due to his work, it will HAVE to be here.

For the CHILDREN, Wittsend13 and OP, for the CHILDREN, NOT for YOU.

You seem to see people as possesions - as in she 'stole' my man and your DS 'is all you have'. Sorry but people are not possesions so - as has already been said - nobody 'stole' your man - unless he was physically kidnapped and bundled into a car by his now DW. Also your DS is not 'yours' to treat as someone you have earned extra rights over - by way of compensation for your EXH leaving. Your DS is still as much your EXHs son as he is yours - so your stance that he can never have him at his home on Xmas Day is totally unreasonable. You are also robbing him of the chance to ever spend Xmas day with his siblings - which like it or not is what they are -and you say he loves being with them. as the old saying goes 'if you love someone let them go' - or in your case at least on alternate Xmas days.

I can understand why you want your ds home with you op but I do think your being selfish. I sure your son would love to spend a little time round his dads on xmas day afterall it's his son too. Your not punishing your ex here, it's your son imo.

If he took you to court they would probably make you alternate christmas....something to think about

Is there really any need to call another human being vile? Ok, maybe there is but I'd reserve it for people who deliberately torture others or something similar. This is a woman who is looking for advice and as such I'd give her a break. She's looking to do the right thing but struggling with it. Goodness, the word vile is very strong.

we do alternate years, works wonderfully, stops all the bitterness.

And this is nearly 6 years after the OP and her ex split up. It's a long time to harbour bitterness and resentment and if the OP doesn't give herself a massive kick up the arse right not, she is never going to be able to move on. She will be doing herself a huge favour if she starts accepting that her relationship with her ex is utterly and completely over and that the only obligation her ex has is to her son. He has none at all to her other than to treat her with respect and kindness but she needs to reciprocate that.

HuntyCat Don't you dare assume anything about me or my children. How bloody dare you say anything of the sort. Not once have I mentioned anything about taking my feelings over my DC's. I sympathise with the OP as a SP. I didn't once say anything of the sort that I don't allow my children to visit my XP at xmas. I suggest you get the hell over yourself and take your stupid comments that you seemed to wrongly sum up and come up with 1000. You're not only downright rude assuming I agree with the OP but to think up I am doing or have done the same is simply ignorant on your part.

Thanks MJ I do think the OP needs to sit down and think what's best for her child. It is upsetting and the bitterness is something that she honestly needs to deal with and learn to move on. It's a hard stage to get through but once you're battle that battle the only way is up. OP please do the right thing re your DS.