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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my ex to see his son on Christmas day FROM MY POINT OF VIEW

575 replies

fabsi · 13/12/2011 10:29

Ok, so yesterday i posted a thread, perhaps in bitterness, to see just unreasonable my ex and his wife are being. I am a lone parent, my ds is 5 and has a good relationship with my ex, his sm and his dcs. My son stays over every saturday night and adores his time with his dad and ss. Last year, my ex "told" me he wouldn't be coming over on christmas day as the year before his dd was "very" upset when he left and didn't want the same happening again this year. I said no way! He did come over in the end, but only stayed 40 minutes. He has asked me a couple of times what to do about bringing the presents over for ds, as he doesn't want to bring them on christmas day, he should have them to open from santa. Fair enough. But i know what's coming. He split with me after 10 years together, he said he'd never loved me and had found someone else. 4 months after we spilt, i found out i was pregnant and i was 6 months gone (no i didn't know, it was never planned and i never thought i could get pregnant as i have a disability and my periods have always been all over the place) I asked for him back several times, but he was in love with his new woman and i was left alone, thankfully i have a supportive family. I had my son and he came to visit every week, at first i didn't want any contact (ds and sm) because i was obviously incredibly bitter. Then sm got pregnant and had a dd and then a year later got married. I admit, i did make access hard, and didn't allow him to take ds out, so he went to a solicitor and i gave in and said ok. I'm glad i did, as ds loves my ex and his family. Yes, i hate her. For taking my man away, but i know she treats ds as one of her own. But, i have heard, from ex's family memebers she doesn't like ex coming over on xmas day and so i think she is the reason he doesn't really want to come over, to keep her happy. THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD EVER ALLOW MY SON over to his dads on xmas day. I am alone and he is all i have. His dad should make the effort to come over here, as many of you have said, his other children have him ALL DAY!!! Sorry for reverse AIBU, but i really do hate that he or she doesn't want to see ds on xmas day. It made me feel better. So, thank you for all your replies.

OP posts:
RomanChristingle · 13/12/2011 19:11

Unless it's AIBU not to kill this person people mainly get yabu'd whatever they post though don't they.

GypsyMoth · 13/12/2011 19:12

Roman...... If mum asks him he will say what mum wants to hear, if dad asks him he will say what dad wants to hear

You dont ask children ! You just dont. Hence we have cafcass. And judges, who unravel messes like this and act on behalf of the children. The children's act is what is used.

MJinSparklyStockings · 13/12/2011 19:12

How the hell is a 5 year old supposed to make that sort of choice?? He is not an adult and shouldnt be expected to make adult choices and op has already made it clear she knows he would like to go there

sitandnatter · 13/12/2011 19:12

Hunty the OP gave different motivations in bothe threads.

Thread A said exhusbands new wife was so precious she didn't want to part with her ex for two hours on Xmas Day.

This thread says she won't allow her son to leave her for a couple of hours to go to Dad's because the son is all she has.

Two very different stories from an embittered woman. I have stopped my ex seeing my child for a number of years but the difference is I had good reason other than bitterness.

If people's opinions haven't changed it is because they haven't read the differences between the threads and the motivations of the ex wife and new wife.

MJinSparklyStockings · 13/12/2011 19:15

My advice hasn't changed because I saw straight through the op on the other thread as well.

xPAULAx · 13/12/2011 19:16

xyfactor Brilliant idea! What a great way to make everyone happy while totally removing exes control. :)

CardyMow · 13/12/2011 19:25

Sitandnatter - you seem to have missed my point. People's opinion SHOULDN'T have changed. It doesn't matter WHAT the 'motivation' is. The end result is STILL the same. The child should either be splitting EVERY Christmas day, or should be spending alternate Christmas day's with each parent.

What I was getting at is that if people's opinions HAVE changed from one thread to the other - then they are being hypocritical.

Whether it is because the SM is 'not letting' the OP's ex to go to the ex's house for an hour on Christmas Day, OR because the OP won't 'let' her son go to his dad's house for Christmas - the end result is the same. The child should be spending alternate Christmas day's with his father, SM and siblings AT HIS FATHER'S HOUSE. End of.

It doesn't matter WHO posts and from what POV. That is what SHOULD be happening, and if the father went to court - it is what WOULD be happening.

Gonzo33 · 13/12/2011 19:26

I've not read the pp's on this thread, but I did read all of the responses on the reverse one.

I was a single parent for 7 years. I had good reason to hate my exh (DV) but I still did alternate Christmas Days and try and promote access, even when my exh was rubbish at turning up or making the effort. It is not your ex or his family that you are hurting by doing this it is your own son. Seriously, having 2 Christmas Days is far more fun than having just the one for a child.

Stop living in the past and live for the present. Your child will thank you for it in the end.

JosieZ · 13/12/2011 19:26

I don't think you should ask small children what they want. Mainly they want what the last 'fun' thing was that they were offered.

Also OP assumes DS will love spending the day with his Dad but Xmas days can be exhausting and fractious. By, say, late afternoon, after DCs getting up at sparrow fart, and siblings will be younger and tireder than DS, he might be glad to get home to Mum.

Turn about is fairest at Xmas. OP could plan some exciting things for Boxing Day with DS.

And don't you have some family you spend Xmas with, OP?

QuintessentiallyFestive · 13/12/2011 19:29

If peoples opinions have changed, it is because in first op the ops new wife (that she was posting as) made herself out to be a bitch and the ex totally reasonable, (ie herself), and in the second, the other was attempted, though the bitchiness shone through, anyway?

natation · 13/12/2011 19:29

Unless there is a good reason like geography or violence, then I cannot see why the OP's son does not spend half his time with his dad, the other half time with his mum, never mind alternating Christmas day, how about the other 364 days of the year?

RomanChristingle · 13/12/2011 19:31

OK in that case then he should split the day. OP can't you see that keeping him home all day as company for yourself is really selfish and not in your childs best interest at all?

That said if you insist on keeping him home I think it would be pretty shitty of your ex not to come to yours for a bit. Even if he feels wronged he should think of his son and get legal advice in the New Year re a fairer way of dividing xmases etc.

whackamole · 13/12/2011 19:36

Have only read page 1.

OP YABU. I am a stepmother, and it is really upsetting when DSS's mum decides that we can't have him because she wants him. This year she has arranged for them to go abroad for Xmas, despite her having him over Xmas last year, and the year before - and despite DSS saying he wanted to be here this year! Next year she will probably want to have him again as she is expecting a new baby next year.

In our position, it wouldn't be possible for OH to go and 'visit' his son on Xmas day as we don't have a car and they live 30 miles away. But how is that fair anyway? Admittedly, he didn't leave her for me so there isn't that animosity, but I would be really pissed off if she made OH leave me with 3 small children to get dinner going, plus entertain the little ones because she was so selfish as to never allow DSS to come here for Xmas!

You really need to let it go, for the sake of your son.

grubly · 13/12/2011 19:38

my brothers and I were in a similar situation as children and the bleakness and the guilt we felt as a result of being manipulated by one parent to hurt the other has lasted well into adulthood. None of us are close to the controlling parent now and as an adult with children myself, the lack of trust (and dislike) I feel towards that parent has got stronger and stronger. This is unlikely to end well for you OP. As others have said you should find a more positive outlet for your emotions and let your ex partner get on with his relationship with your son.

LauraIngallsWilder · 13/12/2011 19:42

I would let your son go to his dads on christmas day.
I would celebrate Christmas day with your son either the previous day or the day after (its a day - it really doesnt matter which day you celebrate it)

Then you yourself go and spend Christmas Day at a Lunch for the homeless/elderly/lonely - then you might develop some sense of perspective

It is now my annual 'thing' to spend Christmas Day at a lunch for lonesome/elderly people - one of my most favourite days of the year :)

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 13/12/2011 19:45

Invitation, request, instruction, 'blackmail' ... I still think the whole thing is bloody sad.

exoticfruits · 13/12/2011 19:50

It is sad that he is the only person you have ,but that has nothing to do with it. He should have every other Christmas with his father. DC should come first.
As people say-you can volunteer somewhere for Christmas Day and have your Christmas Day on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

Pantofino · 13/12/2011 19:50

He's not invited though - he is told he must come or be a selfish arse. He probably detests the OP after all this.

Pantofino · 13/12/2011 19:51

Despite the fact it is HIS turn to have his DS overnight....

exoticfruits · 13/12/2011 19:51

It is unfair on his family. You could at least take him there and go for a walk for a couple of hours.

grumpypants · 13/12/2011 19:56

aaaaargh! is christmas day really that special that it must be divided into parcels, and bits given to different people? when you have xmas eve and boxing day to enjoy as well?
how crap to have this man turn up for a resented cple of hours to play with his son under his ex's watchful eye. i really suspect your motives there - is it a case of getting the ex back for a bit?
let your ds go over on xmas eve, and open presents then ; let him stay over on boxing day. of course you are bloody bitter - don't let it poison you from the inside out though.

Pantofino · 13/12/2011 19:56

I was thinking - he wanted to drop pressies off so they were from "Santa". So it is obviously so ingrained that he wouldn't have his ds over Xmas that he never even asked when ds could come to him .....orhas the question even been asked?

MJinSparklyStockings · 13/12/2011 20:01

I know it's sad - we live with it all the time, dsd isn't allowed Christmas eve, day or boxing day with her dad or siblings.

MJinSparklyStockings · 13/12/2011 20:05

panto think the dAd is too Scared of jeopardising the little contact he does have.

It's my opinion that someone who is prepared to emotionally abuse their own child, use them as a pawn against their dad and block contact was probably abusive while in the relationship as well, the dad is possibly used to being bullied and abused by OP, and is potentially a survivor of DV himself - be that emotional or physical violence.

bucketbetty · 13/12/2011 20:15

I couldn't be bothered to read the whole thing so apologies in advance if it's already been said. OP it doesn't matter what anyone else says on this thread. Everyone has their own experiences and means nothing or should mean nothing to you. The only thing, in my opinion you should be asking yourself is if your point of view is what's best for your child. You appear reasonably insightful and not at all unreasonable, but I think you probably know your judgement is clouded by your emotions. What's best for your son? He won't thank you for keeping him from his dad. He won't be thinking about your loneliness on xmas day and you could have a few relaxing hours until your little person comes home. He will have had fun and spent time with his other family and then came home to the most important person in his life - YOU. I know it's hard but emotions have to go out the window when it comes to little people. Good luck.