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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not pay twice for the teachers present?

136 replies

christmasturkey · 13/12/2011 07:00

The class mum has informed me that I have not paid towards the teachers christmas present "as I have not signed the card". But I paid the day after she asked and did not sign a card because she didn't have one then. I feel so embarrassed as this woman is telling everyone i didn't pay but i really don't want to pay another 20 quid.
I asked her to check her money as maybe she is over but there is a chance she may have accidently spent it and so the money is not over?
Or shall I just pay again?

OP posts:

Ragwort · 14/12/2011 11:47

Jewelledsky - why don't you ask your Headteacher to make some sort of announcement to parents/children that it is not appropriate to accept gifts (but homemade cards are lovely) - or something to that effect? Probably a bit late this year but maybe next year?

That is what happens in many other areas of business.

I agree with Esta - I think it is an age thing (I'm in my 50s) - we never took presents in to our teachers. I never send a present in either, fortunately DS isn't bothered, I will hand write a letter if I feel a teacher has done a particularly good job.

starfishmummy · 14/12/2011 11:57

Good grief. My sons teachers get 4 home made truffles in a pretty box......

JenFestive · 14/12/2011 12:39

"As I always mention on these sorts of threads, I think it is far more appropriate to give (small) gifts/cards to the volunteers who do so much for our chidlren, ie: Brownie Leaders, Sports Coaches etc."

Speaking as a Guide Leader, we don't even get cards from our girls but we don't expect anything either.

I will not be giving teachers gifts when I get to that stage. I don't see why it has become the 'in thing' and it is their job at the end of the day. This doesn't happen with most jobs so not quite sure why teachers get singled out for gifts.

daveywarbeck · 14/12/2011 12:47

This doesn't happen with most jobs so not quite sure why teachers get singled out for gifts.

Apart from the rare exception, in order to attempt to curry favour.

letmehelp · 14/12/2011 12:47

Jen, that's interesting. I have done very small token gifts for Dc's teachers - TBH mainly so Dc don't feel left out. I've done a nice present for the young man at church who teaches them music on a voluntary basis and I've done little presents for the ladies at the Church kids' club (also volunteers)

I would have liked to do something for the cub leaders too, but didn't because I'm not sure who they are. I know Akela (sp?) but there are loads of others, some regular and some occasional helpers and I don't know who's who. I was scared to leave someone out so I did no-one

letmehelp · 14/12/2011 12:50

I don't think that's true davey and can't imagine it works - do teachers even know who gave what by the time school returns?

I do think a lot of presents are given because of either pressure from DC or out of a feeling of obligation, rather than with a genuine feeling of giving though.

organiccarrotcake · 14/12/2011 13:00

I'm clearly not the only one to be totally shocked by the idea of a £20 per child class donation!

Is this a "normal" thing within private schools? DS1 is starting at a PS after Christmas and we're having to make huge cuts in other areas to fund it and are doing it because his state school (the "best" in the area) is failing him badly despite much work on trying to resolve the situation. How we will manage when DS2 and DC3 get old enough I don't know :(

The idea of being expected to contribute an amount like that is absolutely shocking.

What would be the reaction if a person didn't pay? Clearly christmasturkey is worried about the reaction of parents to this money collector telling people she's not paid (disgusting as that woman's actions are) and it's horrible that this is happening after she's already contributed, but what would other people who have paid feel about those who haven't?

Would anyone care?

daveywarbeck · 14/12/2011 13:01

No I don't think it works, but I think that is the intention. Pressure also plays a part in that - not wanting your dc to be the only one who hasn't bought a gift.

TheOriginalFAB · 14/12/2011 13:16

I agreed to chip in for a joint present before I knew how much it was going to be so will be careful next time. I will give a gift to the other teachers my children have but it will be a bottle of wine.

I buy gifts to thank teacher for doing a lovely job with my children but in future I will only buy gifts if they do anything special as atm I am not happy with one of my child;'s teachers and don't want to spend money I haven't got on a present I am not giving with true appreciation.

No way is it about currying favour or trying to get higher grades for my children .

Ragwort · 14/12/2011 14:51

letmehelp - I am sure the Cub Leaders would appreciate something like a tin of Heroes (very appropriate ) that they can all share.

JenFestive - I certainly don't expect presents as a volunteer but it is really nice to be appreciated by the children (and parents) with a home-made card or similar. Interestingly, as a Cub Leader 30 years ago - I can remember nearly every Cub giving me a (smalll) gift one Christmas. This year I received one !

Cherriesarelovely · 14/12/2011 15:04

I am a teacher in my school some of the children give or make little gifts, soaps, sweets etc and some don't. Neither me or my colleagues expect presents but we are very appreciative of them. I always help my class sew little stockings at Christmas and put sweets and tiny gifts in for them (thanks to poundland it is not very expensive). Also, I always keep a careful note so that i can write thank you cards to the children in the holidays, they love to receive a little card adressed to them. I don't think tiny little tokens of appreciation are inappropriate but great big sums of money are, for so many reasons. I honestly cannot imagine a teacher being nicer or less nice to a child because they bought them a big pressie!

diabolo · 14/12/2011 15:40

organic - it is not the norm in DS's prep school, nor any private / preps I know around my way.

Even if it were the "norm" I certainly would not contribute in order to fit in. Whatever happened to individuality? Independence of thought? These are the things I want and get from DS's private education.

I am sorry for my earlier harsh comments to the OP, but I really don't understand why some people feel as though they have to conform/belong to the majority. In terms of answering the OP's question, no, she should stand her ground and tell the bloody awful sounding class mum that she has already paid.

soverylucky · 14/12/2011 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

christmasturkey · 14/12/2011 16:03

Diablo - I didn't think your comments were harsh you are right really! BUT I really don't mind contributing to the joint present although i do agree the amount is alot (and bloody ridiculous). I'm not sure if anyone has ever not paid though. When I was rep last year everyone did. I wouldn't have thought anything if someone said they didn't want to but I don't know about the other Mum's. I do think brownie leaders etc should definitely get something as they give so much of their time and can't believe people wouldn't give them at least a card as a show of appreciation.

OP posts:

Davsmum · 14/12/2011 16:06

This trend of buying presents for the teacher is mad.
Any decent teacher would let it be known they will not accept presents unless it was something made by the child.

Figgyrollsintoapudding · 14/12/2011 16:17

I just did my first teachers present, know the other parents gave v expensive ones, I bought (didn't have time to make) an italian cake and a nice pen - not an expensive one but a patterned one. Cost me about £5 per teacher, but I probably would have given wine otherwise, but the other mothers went to large designer places so I probably look really tight but it is a private school and I know how much we pay for the fees so don't feel too bad about it............

Original poster

christmasturkey · 14/12/2011 16:22

Figgy - this is why it's easier to just all put in money. There is alot of time/or money that goes into getting presents and if you do individual it can turn into a competition. When they were at nursery I couldn't believe my eyes at some of the presents that were given to the teachers (think jo malone etc) and so I prefer to just give the money now and everyone does the same.

OP posts:

Bue · 14/12/2011 16:54

I'm shocked at the £20 collection. DH teaches at an independent and he gets some very nice (read expensive) gifts. But he certainly doesn't expect them and they are from a small minority of families. Some of the parents have wads of cash to throw around and other children's parents scrimp and save to send them there - even at a private school not everyone can afford £20 for the teacher's gift fgs! I certainly hope this teacher is God's Gift to Teaching!

exoticfruits · 14/12/2011 16:54

I think that individual is much nicer. My best one year was a long notepad with a lovely picture on the front, I used it for shopping lists and I doubt whether it cost £3, if that. Homemade marmalade was lovely. DS once gave his teacher a whistle because he had lost his. DCs like to see the teacher open it.

Figgyrollsintoapudding · 14/12/2011 17:37

I like to think that my practical pen and individual panettone is going to be more memorable than someone elses taste being forced onto the teachers

exoticfruits · 14/12/2011 17:41

It would be-and much nicer for the DC. I don't think that a small DC understands the collective present as much as they do physically wrapping a present, carrying it in and handing it over.

Greensleeves · 14/12/2011 17:42

what the fuck is a class mum?

reelingintheyears · 14/12/2011 17:46

Greensleeves Wed 14-Dec-11 17:42:57

what the fuck is a class mum?

A class act by the sound of it.

Figgyrollsintoapudding · 14/12/2011 17:47

It was a very nice emma bridgewater pen that couldn't have been massively offensive and if it was it could easily be passed on to someone else - the spenny presents especially scarves and the like might be asked after

exoticfruits · 14/12/2011 17:48

Be thankful you don't have one, we didn't.

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