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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that step - SIL is expecting DC7?

225 replies

mothersdaughter · 12/12/2011 21:08

Just returned from the in laws for the pre Xmas meet up.

DH's step Sister was there. She proudly announced she is pregnant with DC7. She is 28, has never worked since leaving school. Her DP does not live with her, but they are together. He is the father of all the children. He does not work either, so they are essentially living off the state. She has no plans to consider long term contraception.

This week DH and I came to the conclusion that there would be no DC3. We cannot afford for me to have another lot of Maternity leave, and also childcare fees.

DH works full time, I work almost full time and both DC's are in nursery. He are not near the breadline, but have to be very careful and things like holidays etc are just not possible. Therefore it is more than sensible to not have a DC3. I have felt a little sad this week, I do sort of feel that I'd love another one, but its just not workable.

So AIBU to be totally pissed of that step SIL can bang out kid after kid with no thought or consequence? Funnily enough she just could not fathom out why having another DC would cost us money, when for her its just increases her income.

OP posts:
Alouisee · 14/12/2011 20:30

Hardly Daily Mail - much more common sense and personal and social responsibility.

NoWayNoHow · 14/12/2011 20:48

Sod the Daily Fail and it's crud propaganda - this is a RL circumstance and I genuinely can't fathom anyone who believes that it's okay for this woman to keep having children (SEVEN!!?? Count them!! SEVEN!!!) she can't afford which the rest of us pay for.

Nevermind that her life isn't a picnic, or is really difficult, or that she's storing up a life of misery. Never mind the OP and her feelings about the matter.

I would just love someone to justify SIL's decisions for me - I beg you!

usualsuspect · 14/12/2011 21:05

Nice frothing there ,Noway

maddening · 14/12/2011 21:07

if there weren't people using the state like this then yes, money could go elsewhere where it is needed.

NoWayNoHow · 14/12/2011 21:20

Good argument, usual Wink

usualsuspect · 14/12/2011 21:21

I don't care Wink

usualsuspect · 14/12/2011 21:22

oh I forgot the !!!!!!!

NoWayNoHow · 14/12/2011 21:29

That's not enough of them !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

marmiteandjam · 14/12/2011 22:17

YANBU at all, I don't like people like her at all either. However, I would much rather have your quality of life than hers as I suspect that you can provide things for your children that she can't provide for hers. Plus, with you both working you are much better role models so hopefully they will be much less likely to end up claiming benefits the moment they leave school.

rogersmellyonthetelly · 14/12/2011 22:43

Op your sil may have. 7 kids but at least you have self respect

ArtVandelay · 14/12/2011 22:44

YANBU and a YABU. Its sad for you both really. You are fighting your urge to have another child for good reasons and she's narrowing her choices in everything except for her fertility for I-don't-know-what reasons.

When I worked in social care I knew a couple of ladies that had 12 and 13 children. Their eldest would be 30's and their youngest 11, for example - a whole life of a baby nearly every year, all on benefits. It was part of a kind of pathology for them - they got a lot of needs met by being pregnant and having a baby. I don't understand it but I think you need to just keep remembering that this is not normal behaviour and something must be going on with your SIL to act like this.

I have the money for another DC but we're not able to cope with the demands of another without it impacting badly on us and the other DC. It's a bit crap but its life and I wouldn't swap my life although I sometimes get a bit Shock Angry at when people go on about how stressed they are and get no support when they've got their mums popping in to babysit or push the hoover round a couple of times a week.

JosieZ · 14/12/2011 22:52

In 10 years time she'll have 7 stroppy teenagers to deal with. ...that'll teach her.

himynameisfred · 14/12/2011 23:06

I don't understand, are you jealous?

It's unfair of you to say she hasn't considered the circumstances?
How do you know that?
She takes care of her children herself 24/7, so having another child is probably a bigger thing to consider than if she could go off childfree to work and just parent in the evening.

Her considerations will be different to yours, you life seems focused on money, you've said you would basically give up having another child even though you wat one, because of money.
Her priorities are probbly focused on how much hands on care she feels she can provide.

festivehumptydumpty · 14/12/2011 23:12

natation, is that figure correct?

is my maths wrong or does that roughly equate to almost £32k a year when tax has been added in?

that must be, it absolutely must be, wrong?

because DH doesn't earn anywhere near that, and he spent 3 years at university and works very hard for us all (admittedly he's only been in his industry for 2.5yrs so his income will increase - but - not for a few years yet)

(and i'm speaking as someone who stopped at 2, for financial reasons (and housing reasons - we're cramped enough in a rented place as it is without having to possibly move area and schools to accommodate another, sadly))

i'm actually really shocked, if that's true (and i'm going to view it with suspician since it's just a random internet post, and possibly inaccurate - sorry). if it is, i do agree that it's a fundamental problem with the way the current benefits system is set up...

if you work, your finances become more stretched if you have more children.. but if you don't work (either can't, or won't), your income increases proportionally as your number of children increases... there's a problem there, in that there's no financial limitation feeding into the decision to have more kids - which is not true for all working families. (like us, for one!)

himynameisfred · 14/12/2011 23:15

How can anyone express outrage over how many children a woman should be 'allowed' to have?
The most outragious thing imaginable to me if any idea that procreating should be restricted by fellow mere humans.

What are you going to do? Have forced hysterectmies if he pubic decide 3 is the limit?
Or have the authories scan womens uteruses to make sure every month, then strap the women down and do forced abortions, or lock them up and take subseuent babies at birth, if it's considered that 'they've had enough'?

Seriously, what's the procedure to me, to stop these disorderly women from selfishly having more babies?

himynameisfred · 14/12/2011 23:17

festive, working tax credits INCREASE by the amount of babies you have.
Working mothers' income will increase also.

Mothers on the dole, get about £60 a week for an extra child, about enough to cover the expenses.

JosieZ · 14/12/2011 23:33

There was discussion on the radio just the other day.

An increase in childbirth in UK, unlike falling numers elsewhere in Europe, was most probably an unintended consequence of the introduction of tax credits. The credits were supposed to encourage parents back to work but has had opposite effect - woman are staying home to have more babies.

Original poster
mothersdaughter · 14/12/2011 23:37

Thanks for the 'inflamatory mentaloid' insult Hully - great debating skills you have there.

him - I would love to be less focused on money, but when you are pretty much accounting for every penny that comes in, it's hard not to.

Not sure why this has turned into a insult throwing session at me?

OP posts:
JosieZ · 14/12/2011 23:37

Her priorities are probbly focused on how much hands on care she feels she can provide.

Yeah, right. How much hands on care can you give when you have six kids already. One baby's a full time job imo.

NoWayNoHow · 14/12/2011 23:41

himynameis you're completely missing the point.

The point is not that people want prevent other people from having any more kids (certainly not through any of the outrageous methods you've mentioned), but rather that as adult human beings we should have enough decency and self-respect, as well as respect for our other human beings, that we don't think it's fair game to live off the proceeds of others' hard work in order to facilitate a lifestyle (whatever that may be) that we cannot afford off our own backs.

I think people are perfectly entitled to be outraged by that.

himynameisfred · 14/12/2011 23:56

so if your tut loudly enough and say how women who procreate too much have no self respect or decency, then you may shame them into ignoring their natural urges to have these babies?
Or they might say, wow I just can't take this shame, you win, i'll give half of them up for adoption, and then you'll be more satisfied, as your tax bill may go down a few pence per anum

NoWayNoHow · 15/12/2011 00:05

No amount of tutting is going to change anything at the moment.

No amount of tutting is going to stop anyone from having children they can't afford.

That doesn't mean I can't still be outraged. I'm perfectly entitled to have my opinion. And it's not about my tax bill going down. It's about what that money COULD be spent on. £60 a week, as quoted by you, for 7 children equates to £21,840 a year. How many respite carers might that buy the parents of severely disabled children?

Do you genuinely agree that we should all just follow our urges with no thought for the consequences? Damn anyone else, I'm just going to do what I want? It's "my right"?

The phrase "hell in a handbasket" comes to mind.

JinglePosyPerkin · 15/12/2011 00:06

Yeah, right. How much hands on care can you give when you have six kids already. One baby's a full time job imo.

Too right. Which is why there is a 10 year gap between DS2 & DD Grin.

himynameisfred · 15/12/2011 00:16

who says anyone is not thinking of consequences?
People should definitely take into acount how many children they can physically and emotionally care for.

I wouldn't have 7, but I don't like fertile women being good targets for a witchhunt, and to blame all our woes on.

Laquitar · 15/12/2011 00:58

Grin@Hully

OP a third child doesn't cost much extra.
If you really want it go ahead.
If you don't then don't go ahead.
Whatever.
But its nothing to do with your SIL's womb.