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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off that step - SIL is expecting DC7?

225 replies

mothersdaughter · 12/12/2011 21:08

Just returned from the in laws for the pre Xmas meet up.

DH's step Sister was there. She proudly announced she is pregnant with DC7. She is 28, has never worked since leaving school. Her DP does not live with her, but they are together. He is the father of all the children. He does not work either, so they are essentially living off the state. She has no plans to consider long term contraception.

This week DH and I came to the conclusion that there would be no DC3. We cannot afford for me to have another lot of Maternity leave, and also childcare fees.

DH works full time, I work almost full time and both DC's are in nursery. He are not near the breadline, but have to be very careful and things like holidays etc are just not possible. Therefore it is more than sensible to not have a DC3. I have felt a little sad this week, I do sort of feel that I'd love another one, but its just not workable.

So AIBU to be totally pissed of that step SIL can bang out kid after kid with no thought or consequence? Funnily enough she just could not fathom out why having another DC would cost us money, when for her its just increases her income.

OP posts:
headfairy · 12/12/2011 21:58

I know Yuuule, but in this case we're talking about the op's step sil having her 7th child.

tethersjinglebellend · 12/12/2011 21:59

What happens to the children of parents who not only refuse to work, but willfully and fecklessly go on to have more children than they are able to claim benefits for?

slavetofilofax · 12/12/2011 21:59

YANBU.

People like your sister in law are scum. They really are.

You however, have morals and are capable of making sensible, unselfish descisions. You are far far richer than she will ever be.

YuleingFanjo · 12/12/2011 22:00

in what way is their quality of childhood not great?

Familydilemma · 12/12/2011 22:00

I think op that it's bad timing for you and there's nothing like wanting another baby to make you feel like judging someone who is. Ive been there through infertility issues and when dh wasn't sure about our third. Of course your sil is making some dodgy choices but you wouldn't feel so sore if you felt you had the chance to have as many children as you wanted. But you might need to work those things through either by yourself or with counselling. Sil isn't going to change. You can only control how you feel about it and eaten up with being judgemental is a horrible place to be. If you can't let it go that's where you'll be.

tethersjinglebellend · 12/12/2011 22:00

"for those families on average or above average income, they don't get a pay rise with each child."

Yes they do- they get child benefit too.

usualsuspect · 12/12/2011 22:01

drip drip drip

CardyMow · 12/12/2011 22:02

Though, I have to say, despite having 4 dc myself, and being on IS now (I wasn't on ANY benefits apart from child benefit when I had dc 2 and 3, and was only on TC's when I had dc4 - unplanned, but much loved!, but ex-P left)...7 dc IS a heck of a lot! I will not be having ANY more now I am in the situation I am in now. EVER.

7 dc IS a LOT of dc...

NoWayNoHow · 12/12/2011 22:05

I think OP's getting a rough ride here. She's not benefit bashing, but she is making the point that someone very close to her is providing a stark comparison between OP's life and their own life.

It sounds like OP is making the difficult decision not to have a 3rd DC that is actually wanted because she's trying to be responsible and knows that she can't afford it. It must be hard then to see her SIL having another child without having to think about where the money for that child is coming from.

I guess a similar comparison would be someone struggling to conceive being faced with a family member who is unintentionally pregnant and not bothered.

YuleingFanjo · 12/12/2011 22:06

If you had posted 'my sil is a realy awful mother and I feel so sorry for the shit life her kids have' then we could have all told you to call social services and have your genuine concerns about their welfare. It's just that from what you have said their shit life (too much TV, not going out) are more to do with your SIL's parenting style than to do with there being 7 of them or being on benefits.

So I am confused by your initial post which seems to be all about how unfair it is that she can get all these benefits and have a large family while you can't.

natation · 12/12/2011 22:11

A working person would have to earn a gross salary of approximately £45k per year to have the same income as the OPs's relatives if this family lived in a rented 4 bed house in the town in the UK where we lived before, in order to have a net income after housing costs of £26k per year. Average gross UK salary in 2011 is around £26k per year, so as so many families are single parents or have a SAHP or a part-time working parent, there will not be too many families in the UK on a family income of more than £45k gross per year, like the OPs relatives will receive.

Mumcentreplus · 12/12/2011 22:12

Mind your business...

tethersjinglebellend · 12/12/2011 22:13

"I guess a similar comparison would be someone struggling to conceive being faced with a family member who is unintentionally pregnant and not bothered."

The difference being that there would be fewer posters saying that the family member shouldn't be allowed to get pregnant.

soverylucky · 12/12/2011 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoWayNoHow · 12/12/2011 22:14

tethers OP isn't saying SIL isn't allowed to get pregnant. She's just saying it hurts.

Original poster
mothersdaughter · 12/12/2011 22:16

Yueling - I feel that the DC's lives are governed by the number of them, they stay in all day because she openly admits she cannot take them all out at once. She is lucky that the two oldest whom are 12 and almost 11 take a couple of the smaller ones to school.

I don't think it's a SS issue, there is no abuse and whilst they are unkempt etc they are not neglected. It's more a matter that the older ones do have to fend for themselves.

Yes, in my OP I did compare our financial situation to hers. But I don't question why I don't receive the benefits she does as is obvious why not, in that we both work and earn a reasonable amount of money. What I questioned was how different our choices appear to be in terms of consequence.

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 12/12/2011 22:17

But the fact it hurts id not the SILs fault..

natation · 12/12/2011 22:17

tethersjinglebellend
read my post again, I said CB apart! And for some families who have one 40% earner (estimated at around 10% of earning families, don't forget the 40% rate is dropping to around 35k per year), they will soon be losing entitlement to CB, so any further children they have, they will receive absolutely no "pay rise" in more CB.

Mumcentreplus · 12/12/2011 22:19

many people on this planet do things and make choices I do not agree with...but thank fuck for free will...

tethersjinglebellend · 12/12/2011 22:25

natation, I misread your post due to a typo- "as part from CB". Apologies.

NoWay, I did not say that the OP had said that, but that other posters had done.

GypsyMoth · 12/12/2011 22:26

Wow..... For a step sil you openly despise, you seem to know loads and loads about her!!hmm]

FabbyChic · 12/12/2011 22:27

For every kid the woman gets amost £70 a week off the state. I know it does not cost that much to feed and cloth a child under 10 no way. So where does the money go if not on luxuries.

tethersjinglebellend · 12/12/2011 22:27

Come on Littlest, that's unfair... the OP's step SIL almost definitely exists.

FreudianSlipper · 12/12/2011 22:31

i know someone in a similar position but i try not to judge and find it hard to understand why she has made these decisions

but her life is not fun, its problem after problem and her life never gets better it is what it is and never changes

is that what you really want? i woudl prefer to struggle at times and i have and have the up and along with the downs by taking responsibility for myself and my ds

GypsyMoth · 12/12/2011 22:35

Yes, she MUST exist! She's not likely to be a figment of the op imagination, possibly for a journo story. No, nothing like that! How silly of me,I'll be speculating about bridge dwellers next!