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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that if you don't want people taking photos of your child in the school play don't let them be in it!

319 replies

2anddone · 12/12/2011 15:52

Hi I am sure this has been done a hundred times before but I am so pissed off. DS had his school nativity play today and at the start we were told no photos or videoing was allowed. Typically enough it was the first school production where he hasn't cried. They are not filming the play or offering us any other ways to get a 'memory' of the play and the reason given was that 2 parents had requested no photos were allowed. This is not due to religious beliefs it was simply they didn't want other people taking photos of their dc. I know IAPBU but I don't care IMO if you don't want your child photographed in the play collect them early and don't let them be in it! Rant over Xmas Angry

OP posts:
Bucharest · 13/12/2011 11:53

Kungfu, sadly I think it's a lot simpler than that.The people who refuse to see, just don't give a shit. Sad

Longtallsally · 13/12/2011 11:59

Kungfu - Briliant post. Hope that it makes it onto the front page/weekly roundup/classics threads, so that others can read and learn

I don't think I would have really understood the connections, in life before MN. It's what this site can do best.

TandB · 13/12/2011 12:23

I don't think there is anything wrong with not making the connection if you simply haven't been confronted with the situation. As I said upthread, DP initially thought the whole thing was daft because he was assuming the usual "paedos might see the photos" thing was behind it. But as soon as I pointed out the real reasons for these bans he got it.

I wouldn't have got it at first if it hadn't been for the type of work I do, the experiences of other MNers or the fact that my mum worked in a school where there were several children who had to be very carefully monitored for reasons like those described on this thread.

What I do find unbelievable is that some people can persist in thinking it is all silly and OTT when they have read the stories on this thread.

I wonder if NiceGuy2 would like to sit down face to face with Canyou, look her in the eye and tell her that what happened to her was acceptable collateral damage and that it wouldn't have been worth banning cameras from every school play in the country if it had saved her that experience.

bemybebe · 13/12/2011 12:23

"I'm wondering if the solution might be for the vulnerable at risk children to wear costumes that might disguise their faces."

Also, "official photos", "no-photo days" alongside a "photo allowed" rehearsals, etc... There is always an alternative to a blanket ban, it just requires a little imagination, but saying "No!" is just so much easier...Sad

KatAndKit · 13/12/2011 12:26

Yes but if the vulnerable child is playing Mary, what is she going to be doing during the dress rehearsal??
Also the whole point of a rehearsal is that the parents aren't watching it yet.

The school does not exist to provide you with photo opportunities. It is an educational establishment and has better things to do than worry about your photo album. It is easier to just say no than waste valuable time faffing around trying to please people who think their video is the be all and end all of the school nativity.

There is no video of me in my starring role as Mog the Cat in Mog's Christmas, in 1982. It hasn't really affected me.

TandB · 13/12/2011 12:34

There's no video of me as a snowflake in "The Snowman" when I was about 10.

It was the only time I wasn't something completely rubbish.

Gutted.

bemybebe · 13/12/2011 12:37

it is all about finding the solution that makes sense under the circs, finds a common ground whilst addressing security concerns if any... i would not be so totally dismissive of those parents, who do want to have a picture, although of course in the end they would need to comply with the school policy

canyou · 13/12/2011 12:40

kungfupannda brilliant post's. TBH I was a bit naive when we took the 3 DC about the whole safety issue, and was a bit Hmm about the photo issue until it was fully explained, and even then with the ban in place when the incidence occurred I was shocked that some one could get that much info from a picture. Any normal person would never even imagine hurting a child or using a child for gain and that is why it can be so hard to understand that the chance to share their DC achievements through social media is censored.
NieGuy2 My DC do not do dance, drama or competitive football, sports as I cannot control the risk and it is not fair to prevent others from filming/ taking pics in those circumstances. Not fair on the DC but that is life and we hope that as time passes so does the risk

VeronicaSpeedwell · 13/12/2011 12:42

I cannot fathom, after all that has been said about the reasons for this, including kungfupanda's outstanding and crystal clear post, how anyone can think that the 'Sad' face applies to the happy majority who don't have to worry about this. In many schools, this is 'the solution that makes sense'.

And there's no picture of me as a street urchin in Oliver. I am managing to deal with it day by day.

KatAndKit · 13/12/2011 12:44

My dad is also managing to deal with the fact that he was at work when I was doing my oscar winning performance of Mog. He also missed me dressed up as a kangaroo. He does not seem very upset about this. He probably still needs therapy for the piss poor school performance of Hiawatha that he was forced to sit through though!

Aliz07 · 13/12/2011 12:44

I'm a lurker rather than a poster but I just had to come in on this one.

I'm one of 'those' parents who refuses to have my children photographed. The school do take pictures and sell them, but they ensure my family's safety isn't compromised by my children appearing in the pictures.

We've moved 11 times in 7 years, changed names several times and yet had to move again early this year because someone phoned my daughter's school asking if she was a pupil there.

It's not exactly fun living like this, but the alternative is that my daughter could be tracked down by her biological father or his family, who despite the fact he raped her when she was four, feel he has a right to be in his daughter's life.

No one knows what reasons people have for requesting privacy, thankfully we don't have to explain it to everyone and have my daughter suffer more than she already has.

I'm so tempted to tell people where to stick their photos, despite explanations some are still selfishly claiming a photo means more than a child's welfare :(

VeronicaSpeedwell · 13/12/2011 12:45

I am very Envy about Mog, KatAndKit. Your user name suggests that it was a defining moment. I cannot say the same of my turn as a 'Japanese lady' in The Mikado.

ChristinedePizanne · 13/12/2011 12:46

I had the lead role in two school plays at a time when filming was heinously expensive. There aren't even any photos. Luckily I can relive both outstanding performances in my head

Ihavewelliesbutitssunny · 13/12/2011 12:57

Aliz Sad for you and your DD.

This is exactly the reason why these bans have to be in place and why anyone who disagrees with them is being extremely selfish.

I don't think my parents have any pics of me in school plays and until reading these threads it hadn't even occured to me that they didn't. It certainly hasn't scarred me.

Miggsie · 13/12/2011 13:10

I agree completely with kungfupanda who has summed it up so well.

When I was little there were no photos of me in school plays, because we could not afford a camera, I remember my dad first buying a camera when I was 16.
Just because cameras are so accessible these days does not mean we should all be taking photos all the time and blasting them out online to 100's of total strangers, not all of whom are nice and fluffy.

I also feel that 99% of photos of kids taken at school plays are badly framed, badly lit and look terrible. I would much rather sit through the play and watch it.

I do an amount of data protection due diligence as part of my work, am I on facebook? No I'm not, and never would be, nor is any other member of my family. I post here as it anonymous.

nethunsreject · 13/12/2011 13:13

Yabu.

No photos of me in nativities either, but I still had fun.

ChristinedePizanne · 13/12/2011 13:14

Aliz - sorry x-posted :( I am so, so sorry for your experiences. I hope you manage to find somewhere safe to settle very soon

canyou · 13/12/2011 13:35

Aliz Sad I hope you and your DC now feel safe, Is your DC old enough to help protect herself? My 2 oldest know enough to step behind a photographer, my DC3 starts nursery after Christmas so we have to start the fun and games with teaching him about personal safety.
BemyBebe it is all about compromise on both sides no blanket ban is needed just adhering to the rules
We also have no photographs of our own school plays either I might have to as did my parents ever even attend or just turn up at the end Grin

Ihavewelliesbutitssunny · 13/12/2011 13:36

The film 'Dear Frankie' touches on this, as well as being a beautiful film in itself perhaps it would help some people to understand these issues although I don't hold out too much hope Xmas Hmm.

I remember at my graduation there were parents running up and down the aisles trying to get the best shot of their (grown-up) children. Why not just watch it with your eyes instead of faffing about with a camera, I think it did spoil the occasion a bit.

Kladdkaka · 13/12/2011 13:49

A photo of my daughter's nativity play (many years ago) was published in the newspaper. All very nice and lovely and a great keepsake for the parents. I do wonder how many months it took them to be able to sleep again and how many 999 calls they had to make over Christmas. How long did it take them to clear up glass from all the broken windows on Christmas morning?

So it's warm, fuzzy feeling and photographic keepsake vs violence, terror and post traumatic stress. It's a no brainer.

Danlukerphotography · 13/12/2011 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

deemented · 13/12/2011 14:06

I bet you would Dan, but unfortunately this is MN and you have to pay to advertise here. TBH i think it's highly unprofessional of you, let alone crass to chose this thread to promote yourself on.

ChristinedePizanne · 13/12/2011 14:07

Dan - I've reported your post because a) you're not allowed to advertise without paying (which is what you're doing) and b) it's utterly fucking crass of you to try and capitalise on a really traumatic issue. You should be ashamed of yourself

canyou · 13/12/2011 14:09

Danlukerphotography a park is not as identifying as a school though, and if I approached you and said I was removing my DC from the area so you could continue taking pictures and would you ensure no pics of my dc were made public for safety reasons would you not agree to do so? I don't mean delete your pics but blur my DC
Ok am off to do school run wish I home schooled on days like this for the 20 min of school run

Ihavewelliesbutitssunny · 13/12/2011 14:13

Dan this is sooooooooo frustrating because you're being an idiot now run along and be an idiot elsewhere