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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ask... what do SAHMs do all day?

396 replies

PoppyAmex · 11/12/2011 16:39

I'm pregnant with my first child and was recently speaking to a friend about SAHMs and I mentioned I've been reading so many threads here about how some feel their work at home isn't valued by husbands / partners / people in general.

Following up on this conversation, my friend (a mum of 3) sent me the text below and I thought I'd share as I found it amusing. Maybe a good strategy for women complaining about the same problem?

"A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know how every day when you come home from work you ask me what in the world I do all day?' 'Yes,' was his incredulous reply. She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'"

OP posts:
MeltedAdventCalendarChocolates · 11/12/2011 19:42

Agree it just aint for everyone.

Thing is, people get their 'brain food' from different things. For example.

I am doing a degree that I think most people would agree was 'brain food' but for me it's a piece of piss. It comes naturally to me. I don't find it feeds my brain so much as is just something to get done. Now doing creative things I find gets me going.

If your husband questions you all the time, you are married to the wrong guy and if women judges you, you are hanging out with the wrong women. :)

MeltedAdventCalendarChocolates · 11/12/2011 19:43

But FYouGideon, some people LIKE tedious things. (ok, laundry is not one of the tedious things that I like but I could count out coppers for a charity all day long :o)

champagnevanity · 11/12/2011 19:48

MrsPepperpotty

Yeah, its exciting seeing her developing, and doing new things, but she still sleeps most of the day.

HarrySantaatemygoldfish
I'm an Assistant Fashion Designer, I'm an intern on my sandwhich year from uni, i go back in the new year.

NormanTebbit · 11/12/2011 19:49

I get to do both, SAHM during the day, work evening and weekends.

Feel like I don't do any of it any well. From this perspective the SAHM/ WOHM 'debate' seems rather pathetic and silly.

I couldn't care less what you do TBH. All this ' day orphanages' ' battery chick' shit is just as brainless and nonsensical as the loaded ' What do SAHM do all day?' question.

LynetteScavo · 11/12/2011 19:50

What I don't get about "brain food" now I'm a WOHM, and am damn good at my job (therefor it is not too taxing like it was when I first started), it is no more demanding that caring for pre-schoolers.

Pre-schoolers can be incredible people to spend the day with, and I wish I could have those years back. Never a dull moment with a 2 year old.

MrsShortfuse · 11/12/2011 19:51

The best bit is when the dc start school and you can have a poo in peace. TBH that filled my day.

LynetteScavo · 11/12/2011 19:53

And now I get to do all the boring things like empty the dishwasher when I get home tired and need to listed to a child read their new home reader, rather than when I've put a DC down for a morning nap.

God I loved those pre-school years. Envy

MustControlMincepieOfDeath · 11/12/2011 19:54

There's simply oodles to do in order to fill one's day: supervise the staff, summon nanny to bring the children in for inspection, visit friends, spot of luncheon, plan holidays, shopping (natch) - what an odd question!

callmemrs · 11/12/2011 19:57

Children don't stop being incredible when they are school age, or teenagers or even when they're adults. It's rather sad for people to wish they could re- live the earlier years- for all you know, the best is yet to come Smile

LynetteScavo · 11/12/2011 19:59

Yes, but we don't get to hang out with our DC all day once they are of school age, unless we home ed, which my DC don't seem to want (the adoration seems to be somewhat one way around here!)

reallytired · 11/12/2011 20:01

I have done both WOHM and SAHM thing. I preferred working, but I left as my job became horrendous. If you are unhappy then you have to be prepared to change your circumstances. Children can do well either in childcare or being looked after by their mothers. If a mother is depressed then it impacts on the entire family.

The secret of health and happiness is flexible thinking and accepting what works for one family doesn't necessarily work for another. There is little point doing a job you hate and bringing home £30 a month or going to work if you are at a loss financially.

Consversely it can make sense to do a job when the salary doesn't pay the costs to preserve a career or because you love the job.

At the moment I am not working. I am doing an evening course in web design to keep my brain active. House work is hard because the two year old trashes the house almost as quickly as I tidy. At the moment being home make life easier when teachers go on strike or kids are ill.

jellybeans · 11/12/2011 20:01

Xmas GrinMrsShortfuse

MillyR · 11/12/2011 20:01

I also miss the pre-school years.

jellybeans · 11/12/2011 20:01

'The secret of health and happiness is flexible thinking and accepting what works for one family doesn't necessarily work for another' here here reallytired

SecretSantaBitWorried · 11/12/2011 20:02

I make myself look ultra beautiful as I have so much more time than if I worked. Hmm Harvey Nick's won't damn well deliver if I don't pop along for a long lunch and browse once a week....

FuckYouGideon · 11/12/2011 20:04

At the root of it, I don't think SAHMs should have to justify themselves by saying things like oh, the washing, its just so time consuming and interesting. Bollocks is it. They have made the choice to not go to work in order to be able to look after their children, so as far as I'm concerned they can scratch their arses and hang out on MN as much as they like.

In return, I don't want to hear (I'm looking at you here MIL) how when their children were small they used to wipe over their cooker every Monday morning in order to keep it clean and avoid having to pay someone to come in and attack it with a chisel do it. Because, you know, if you didn't work, you too could have a spotlessly clean kitchen. Well, thanks for that.

justanuthermanicmumsday · 11/12/2011 20:05

i don't know why stay at home mums are being criticized so much, i think motherhood in general is looked down upon, "oh you're a mum" like that's all?

At the end of the day most women who go out to work still have to come home in the evening do most of the domestics and put the children to bed. Men help and some men are superdads, but the reality is men and society still think domestic jobs and raising kids is a woman's job. So i think those women who go out to work when their kids are infants give themselves double the trouble. If it's possible financially to raise the baby until school age surely it's easier on the woman?

Anyways its true with just 1 baby it's not as hard, but it's not easy either. It can be tough getting to grips with a new one, but you will have a few spare hours in between the baby napping, but as a new mother i'm sure you will need that as nap time, you'll be exhausted recovering. But if you get your baby to bed promptly in the evening you will get more hours to chill in the evening than your partner. But in the day it's not true that you will be lounging. I mean theres always so much to do, i never have time to watch anything while the kids are awake, forget the internet, i dont have a tv never get use out of it.

Once you have more than 1 child its manic manic all the time, don't believe for a second that good mothers are lounging about watching trashy shows on tv.

When i had a regular boxed terraced house i was able to clean it up and down in 2 hrs. But now the house we're renting is huge i can't clean it in one day, so that needs doing in increments.

anyways heres my chores
clean wash feed kids throughout the day.
homecooking 2hrs
clean 1 floor of the house

do some laundry

iron every other day to avoid a pile

help son do his homework, yes p1 kids get homework and they get 2 wks to finish the assignments set, i think its a bit much lol

make sure mil is always fed on time, got her pills jabs and not getting up to anything dangerous, she has dementia become very childlike.

I don't get play time with my youngest one its rare, i used to with the first two. But fortunately my mil can play with her bless her!

i don't relax until i have tucked the kids in bed which is usually 7pm prompt, then i have to make sure my mil is fed and gets her meds, then finally have permission to relax. At this point i am expected to talk to people on the phone, im not much of a good friend since having the children, im so tired in the evening i just want to eat, watch 1 programme on the internet and go bed. But i'm lucky they're very understanding despite the lack of contact.

As for work being brainfood, erm depends what sort of work you do, a lot of these jobs are monotonous as house work, unless of course staff banter accounts for brainfood, even goldfish wouldn;t want that and they are very dim creatures. I used to detest the gossip culture at work, and work was monotonous it depends what sort of job you have. I guess if i was a high flying lawyer, surgeon, overseas correspondent that would be brainfood but most jobs are just dull as death. You can get brain food from the company you keep, the books you read, programmes you watch, theaters, museums, the last place i would expect to acquire brain food from is work. I don;t know about you but i would go work for the money, and to keep idle hands busy not for the acquisition of knowledge.

But dont be disheartened by my account it has its rewards. Good luck with the first baby and making new lasting memories that your child will forever thank you for.

ArtVandelay · 11/12/2011 20:07

Why don't you just decide how you want to spend your days and do it instead of asking what others do and trying to find out if SAHMing is 'worthy' or whatever.

We all do different stuff - just make sure you feel good about what you are doing and then if other people decide to have a nag/poke at you, you won't actually care.

Talk to your DH about both of your expectations of the situation - get some understanding on that but anyone else's opinion is irrelevant really.

ArtVandelay · 11/12/2011 20:09

Oh, and Good Luck!

Jajas · 11/12/2011 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

twinklytroll · 11/12/2011 20:14

I think it is all to do with how you see yourself . As a SAHM I felt respected because I valued myself. Now as a working mother I feel valued, knackered but valued.

callmemrs · 11/12/2011 20:16

Justanuthermanicmumsday- I think these days many more woman partner men who DON'T assume that the womans role is to to do all the housework and domestic stuff. Women these days are educated to the same level as men. They have access to the same professions. And men are just as capable of running a hoover round or playing with the kids. If a woman stays at home because it's easier than working and having to do all the housework on top , then maybe she made a poor decision with her choice of partner. Lets be honest - this is 2011 - I don't think many women buy into the idea that it's their job to do all the housework

helpmabob · 11/12/2011 20:22

When I had just one, I was run ragged. There were no spare minutes while baby slept because baby had the worst case of reflux and never slept longer than 20 minutes day or night.

Its easy being a sahm with just one, what a load of generalised shit.

I wish you all would stop projecting your experiences onto other people.

And frankly in all the time I have spent on mn (and rarely during the day) I have seen way more vitriol directed at sahms than working mums. It is imo the least valued, least respected job.

LAbaby · 11/12/2011 20:27

Just in reply to those who are saying they found being at home with a baby dull. I'm halfway though my 14 month maternity leave and I find it extremely stimulating. I love every day and look forward to the things we do together - going swimming, meeting other mums at the park, going to singing class.
I have a very well thought of job in the showbiz industry, which involves things like going to the oscars and flying all round the world, and my work is intellectually stimulating. And while I'm looking forward to going back to work I find being a SAHM just as mentally fulfilling.
Everyone is different and likes different things and while I thought staying at home wouldn't suit me, it turns out I love it.
I think having a SAHM is good for children too. My son is already showing signs of being a quite shy boy compared to his baby friends and I think he would benefit from having me at home until he starts school. That's not an option, and even if it were I think I would resent giving up my career, but I admire those who make that choice. I think it is quite selfless.

allohora · 11/12/2011 20:28

Always worked between MLs but frankly the job (being something I can do part time) has been boring most of the time. Far more brain food from the brilliant, intelligent and funny women I have had the privilege to meet while being off!
Thankfully the job's picked up a bit now (which means more hours and more challenges) but I would say there is a small proportion of jobs that I would consider would really stimulate most intelligent people. Most work just gives you a bit of independence and pays a few bills.

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