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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dissapointing husband

103 replies

impma · 10/12/2011 23:55

I live in a 3rd floor flat (in London)with my husband and only child (7 month old son). I am on maternity leave and we have agreed to move to a house before I return to work in June 2012. During discussion with my husband tonight I asked his plans for development of his future career (sales) so I could gage moving affordibility etc. He replied he has "no plan...." I am devastetd as I now feel all responsibilty is on me which equates to studying and working and being "Mum"( inevitably more than a man does) and all I want to do is be Mum and not do PhD. I am dissapointed as I thought being "Dad" might spur him onto planning his futrure. I really do not want to fight this lack of drive for the rest of my life but fear - if his son can't encourage him to do it then no-one can. I think I can't carry him anymore, am I being unreasonable? How shoiuld I approach this?

OP posts:
pinkyp · 10/12/2011 23:57

I don't understand, you don't want to study/work but you want you dh to do better in his job so you can move?

squeakytoy · 10/12/2011 23:57

Is he working at the moment? Is he happy in his job?

If so, I dont see why there is an issue.

TidyDancer · 10/12/2011 23:59

I'm failing to see an issue here.

How are you carrying him? He has a job doesn't he?

Mumcentreplus · 10/12/2011 23:59

explain more....

Cathycomehome · 11/12/2011 00:00

When you say "carry him" what do you mean? He is working and supporting you at the moment (I know you are on mat leave, but that's a big drop in salary isn't it?). Do you think maybe you are more ambitious than him and that's what's worrying you?

Casmama · 11/12/2011 00:01

Your post is not entirely clear. You say that all you want to do is be mum and not do a PhD but then you think you can't carry him anymore. So in other words you want to move to a house rather than your flat but you don't want to develop your career any further and are disappointed that he doesn't have a specific plan. You have already agreed to move within the next six months but have had no discussion about where the additional money is going to come from?

You both have a responsibility to support your family and I would think that you both have a responsibility to further your careers and earn more money if you have already made the decision that you both continue to work.

I don't understand why you haven't discussed this in more detail and why it is all suddenly your dhs responsibility and how have you "carried him in the past".

squeakytoy · 11/12/2011 00:03

So you want him to "carry" you, so that you can stay at home in a new bigger house, but you dont want to "carry" him...

Doesnt sound very equal unless you are missing a few vital bits out of the post.

Mollydoggerson · 11/12/2011 00:06

Do you both have the same priorities?

Do you need to carry him to gain the financial status of your liking or is this a joint decision?

Could he be a stay at home dad and let you take on the financial provider roleif you think you would be more suited to that role.

Original poster
impma · 11/12/2011 00:21

Sorry for lack of detail - v compluicated! Basically we decided to move as we realised that dependants are considered when applying for a mortgage and if we had baby no 2 the bank would not lend us the money to move. So we need to move before(if) we become pregnant. We have previously spoken about this and thought we should just go for it. But lately I have been feeling trapped and streesed (being Mum) so I feel that I may not be able to manage stressful job and baby (when I return to work) therefore his salary becomes more important should I change jobs/go partime resulting in a lower salary.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 11/12/2011 00:23

You feel trapped and stressed as a Mum, but are thinking about having another baby.

Yet you say all you want to do is stay at home and be a Mum.

You really are not making much sense Confused

NatashaBee · 11/12/2011 00:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
impma · 11/12/2011 00:39

Probably not explaiing myself very clearly- as I have far too many concerns in my head right now (and wine). I think the reason I feel trapped and stressed are because I am worrying about finance and the future. If DH could reassure me that he is thinking of this and has plans to address it (even if they don't workout) then I would be quite happy to be Mum and have another baby. However with a DH who doesn't even have a notion of plans for the future then another baby is probably not a good idea - even though DH would go ahead with this. I think I am using this forum to avoid having a row! I am so confused

OP posts:
suzikettles · 11/12/2011 00:45

Maybe the answer is for your dh to do more around the house/childcare.

At the moment I earn more than dh (and I work part time), but the upside for us is that we both do equal amounts with ds (in fact dh probably does more at the moment), and equal amounts around the house.

For us, it's worth not having as much income as we might if dh had a so-called high flying job and was away travelling/working long hours/exhausted when he got home.

Depends what you want though. I'd be very annoyed with anyone who suggested I was "carrying" dh. We are a partnership.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 11/12/2011 00:45

Well, your child is only 7 months old. Chill. You dont have to have another one straight away. Return to work, set some goals together.

squeakytoy · 11/12/2011 00:45

But is he working now? Is he secure and happy in the job he is already doing ?

Pandemoniaa · 11/12/2011 00:55

Why don't you sit down and actually talk about your joint expectations? Not everyone wants to be coerced into making concrete, but entirely hypothetical plans for the future but it doesn't mean they are entirely feckless or expecting to live off their partner.

Original poster
impma · 11/12/2011 01:00

Usually one would not have to think about having another baby yet - however I will be 41 March 2012 so we do need to think about all this now.

Squeakytoy-Yes he is working now and secure and happy.Howvever that just means he has a job.... Great but doesn't really address our problem of future planning

Suzikettles - great that you have a"partnership" and perhaps "carry" was the wrong term to use..

OP posts:
Pandemoniaa · 11/12/2011 01:02

If he has a job that is rewarding and secure, what else do you want of him?

LDNmummy · 11/12/2011 01:03

I kind of understand where you are coming from as a new mum trying to make family plans. My DH and I are also going through similar life changes.

Are you planning on having No2 soon though?

TBH if my DH said he had no career development plans I would panic too. The idea of potentially being the only breadwinner as well as a mother is a daunting one.

carriana · 11/12/2011 01:05

Having more babies/ bigger house/ bigger mortgage won't make you less stressed it will make it ten times worse!

You don't like being a SAHM and you are trying to make your dh into a hard driven promotion seeking highly ambitious exec which if not coming from him will not succeed and turn you into a resentful nag.

Dear oh dear. Having a baby in a flat is reality for millions across the world. It can be nice if you accept what you have as your baby won't mind.

You are going to make all your lives a complete misery if you carry on the way you are wanting what you haven't got.

So get your priorities straight. Be glad you have a roof over your heads, a beautiful baby, a loving dad and husband and time with your baby.

Pandemoniaa · 11/12/2011 01:05

Sorry, hit "post" quicker than intended. What I meant to say was that if his job is secure you can work out your options based on this. Sometimes it is better to know where you stand on less money than it is to make important decisions based on riskier and entirely hypothetical options.

LDNmummy · 11/12/2011 01:07

What does he do for a living?

QuintessentiallyFestive · 11/12/2011 01:07

Well, I think if you are both in your forties, it might be a little late to start planning your "future career", and if he is happy and secure in his job, I reckon he thinks he has a career.

Where do you want to move to?
Do you own your flat or are you renting?

I reckon you are renting as you speak about applying for a mortgage.
Most mortgage terms are 35 years. Sometimes you can get a shorter repayment terms, such as 25 years. But this will of course mean higher monthly repayments. When do you plan to retire?

minceorotherwise · 11/12/2011 01:09

Don't think it's necessarily unfair that you want him to 'step up'. But do you think he will. Did you ever have the discussion before the first child? Is he expecting you to have another child and also provide the financial support? You need to be clear on what your expectations are and likewise ensure that he understands that. If your wish is to spend some time away from work, to be with your children when they are young, then that is entirely reasonable. But he needs to understand that and be prepared for that eventuality.

LDNmummy · 11/12/2011 01:09

I think the problem here was thinking that becoming a father would push him to do the things you are wishing he would do.