dissapointing husband

[impma]

I live in a 3rd floor flat (in London)with my husband and only child (7 month old son). I am on maternity leave and we have agreed to move to a house before I return to work in June 2012. During discussion with my husband tonight I asked his plans for development of his future career (sales) so I could gage moving affordibility etc. He replied he has "no plan...." I am devastetd as I now feel all responsibilty is on me which equates to studying and working and being "Mum"( inevitably more than a man does) and all I want to do is be Mum and not do PhD. I am dissapointed as I thought being "Dad" might spur him onto planning his futrure. I really do not want to fight this lack of drive for the rest of my life but fear - if his son can't encourage him to do it then no-one can. I think I can't carry him anymore, am I being unreasonable? How shoiuld I approach this?

We have a mortgage on our current flat.

Haven't you heard 40 is the new 30?

Indeed a roof over your head etc is a lot to be grateful for but don't think it will cut it when the school tour to France sking is a no go 'cause Mum and Dad can't afford it!

I guess you are right becoming a father does not change anything yet somehow becoming a Mum does - my career is less important now

Well, for a start you won't get a mortgage based on full pay when you are on mat pay. And how would you afford the repayments on another year of mat pay?

If you are both in your 40s and 1st time buyers looking for a house in London you must have v high salaries and/or deposit. I think you are in a 'baby haze' and trying to do too much all at once.

You may never have a choice about dc2 so maybe plan around what you do have. A 3 rd floor flat with a baby isn't ideal but is it otherwise suitable? Is buying over renting a priority or could you consider renting a house?

Has your wanting to be a samh a recent development? What does DH think of this?

How much is DH contributing to child care and housework? Is there resentment building over other issues?

Tbh, so much going on here I think you both need to have a long chat. Maybe write 5 year plans then swap and compare.

"Haven't you heard 40 is the new 30?"

How I wished the banks had hear that....

most UK mortgages are 25 years, not 35 and most lenders will insist it is repaid by 65.

"The school tour to France skiing is a no go 'cause mum and dad can't afford it."

How awful would that be? Crikey! You need to get a bit more perspective.

I think you need to decide what you really want - another baby or some 'ideal' lifestyle for you and your family? I could argue I was (and still am) in your situation but my outlook is different. I work part time and earn more than dh - I have 'carried' him and our family whilst having 4 kids over the last 5 years - incidentally we lived in a 2nd floor flat for most of this time (we sold it and are now renting a ground floor).

I accepted a long time ago that a)dh is not ambitious like me-he's a valley person, I'm a mountain person - neither is better-I didn't marry him for his ability to 'provide' me with an Audi and a 4 bed house in suburbia AND b) the nature of my job means I will always earn more. As a previous poster stated - we are a partnership.

However to me having lots of children was paramount and I was prepared to forego the house in the short term for this. There is a limited window for kids in life and you're aware of this. ( Incidentally the kids really don't care we live in a flat - they've known no different). I'm am also grateful that DH is an excellent and attentive father-that is a better quality in my view than being absent due to demanding career.

You're trying to conquer the world in a short space of time. Life is more organic. Accept dh for who he is -you can't project your ambition on him.

2 other things - firstly I'm horrified by how much my bank will lend me despite the number of dependents we have so you may be surprised - I'm not stupid enough to borrow it. Secondly - did you ask DH this after some wine whilst he was watching the football? I know From experience that is not a good time to start a life discussion with my DH. I really have to pick my moments IYKWIM.

Another thing - growing up in a single parent family, I also missed out on all the school ski trips my friends went on. It would have been nice but I understood we didn't have the cash. It's done me no harm other than the fact I can't ski.

I don't understand: owning a house has no bearing on going on ski trips unless you are in the process of saving up to buy one. If you are happy in your flat then there is no problem. And yes, by your 40s most people have their career and know what their "level" is. You're still doing a PhD and are on maternity leave, good for you, but having these things involves a family sacrifice.

That may be cash in the long term, it may be the house, it may be deciding you can't afford a second child or it may be your dream career. Most of us have to compromise on at least one of these things at some point.

Probably worth having a "family aims" chat with your DH though: find out what he thinks you will need as a family in the future and how you're both going to pay for it. But have this at a quiet time, not when you're feeling het up about matters.

What do you mean by plan anyway? Is he in a crappy dead end job and you want him to move to a job with better prospects? Or is he in a half decent job that he enjoys and doesn't want to move from? Is he the sort of person who ticks along, waiting for things to come up? That's not necessarily a bad thing if you're happy as you are!

So, in a nutshell, it sounds as if you are resenting your husband for not earning enough money to allow you to move to a bigger house and have a second child quite soon, without the need for you to return to work or to do your Phd in order to earn more yourself. You are 40 and you just want to enjoy your child/ren and take a break from the stress of work. So what you are saying is that you want an old-fashioned traditional set-up, where being 'Mum' means you get to stay home with your child, and being 'Dad' means ramping up the career expectations to be a good provider.

And you want the option to work if you want to, as a relief from boredom, rather than because you need to, to pay the mortgage. Is that it?

I don't think any of that is unreasonable, but it sounds as if it might be unrealistic.

I have two kids and rent.

My DH works hard enough but cannot really 'plan' he just has to rely on doing the best he can and see what happens.

We can't afford to buy.

I am a SAHM. I will work again, and probably have a 5 year plan to boot, but I wouldn't expect him to have the same, because he can't have a realistic one and earns enough alone to suffice.

When I work, maybe we'll have enough to progress.

That's the choice we both made, that was the way we both get most of what is really important to us.

I personally think your DH is stepping up, by working hard and not pressuring YOU into returning to work to fulfil your homelife ambition.

I thought when I read the original post that the OP and her DP were early 20's, they'd got together whilst still at university/whatever and the OP genuinely didn't know how ambitious her DP was and could've reasonably thought that his career might change from something that he enjoys to something that makes a lot of money.

But at 40, I'm sure DP is very happy in his career, presumably feels it provides a good balance between income and life and doesn't need to plan. You can afford a flat in london so it doesn't sound like his ideas are unrealistic, what is unrealistic by the sounds of things is your assumption that he would provide for the money to have the life you wanted without having actually discussed it with him before.

The school ski trip?!

Hardly anyone can afford a whole house in London! Loads of people live in flats, or move to cheaper places outside london.

What's your job? Confused re phd / job references. What's your plan for your own career?

Not unreasonable to sit down, look at finances, job options for you both, where you might live in the future, sharing domestic work and childcare etc, and does sound like DH is burying head in sand.

V unreasonable to be aggrieved that your DH can't pay for you to be SAHM or expect him to want the same things as you re house, ski trips etc and pay for them!

Impma I understand where you are coming from and think lollystix speaks a lot of sense about identifying what is really important to you.

I earn considerably more than DH, always will and am much more ambitious than he is. I have accepted that we are a partnership and this is just the way he is, it did cause lots of arguments-no fault on either side just different views about a "man's role". I, especially, have had to change my views on this and am happy with the way our relationship now is.

Just thinking about your DH have you discussed how he feels about this? My DH revealed that he felt he was letting us down and got quite depressed about his financial role. Might be worth considering his feelings too?

As for your role, that is something only you can decide. We made the choice to have another DC quickly (age again was our consideration) and in all honesty it has had a HUGELY negative impact on my career. However, that was MY choice- that's not to say that I don't get a little sad inside when I see the person doing what could have been my job but do you know what? I know over the years I won't regret it one bit!

Financially, I'll be returning to work pt. Again my choice, it will leave us less able financially, but DH has supported me 100% in this. With planning I think we will be able to manage the things like ski trips (yes, I had all this and want my DC to if it's possible). It means we won't have as much to spend day to day but you make cut backs. Ebay has been a god send! It's the same with living arrangements-could you live in a cheaper area? Find a way that works for you, but you may have to compromise your "ideal" along the way.

At the end of the day, as others have said you and your DH are a team. You need to make choices together that you can live with but you cannot force the way you think things should be on someone else.

Sorry that was so long!

Carry on like this and you may need to consider being a lone parent in the future. It's panic over nothing. How safe is your DH job anyway, I mean in this 'climate'?

ok - finding some people a bit harsh and i'm not sure why it's gone that way.

here are my thoughts:

yes parenting and work is a big juggle. fortunately there are two of you so there are some options.

1. is as you say, him stepping up and working out ways to earn more so that you could take on a less stressful, less hours maybe type position is one possibility that makes perfect sense re: one or the other stepping up their career so the other can reduce their work commitments and take on more at home.

it doesn't sound like your partner is up for number 1 or that he is ambitious - so i guess you could hand over childcare and home responsibility and be the one to go all guns blazing out there in the earning world but you'd need to know he actually WAS going to take on the home stuff and not just end up with you doing both.

option 2) is that you find a way to split the home stuff equally and the work stuff equally. in an ideal world parents would be able to work part time on 0.5 contracts and do their half of the childcare and home stuff too. rarely happens though does it as we don't exactly create a wealth of well paid decent part time work in this country - it's the donkey labour generally.

how is he stepping up with your child and the home? is he doing his share? have you clearly established what you will expect and what he expects when you return to work? whatever you do don't fall into the trap of because you did everything whilst on maternity leave you end up continuing to do everything after you go back to work.

I'm a bit confused as to why you are expecting him to do something that you don't want to do.You want to be a mum and drop everything else, maybe he wants to be a dad and drop everything else. Why is it different?

If he isn't ambitious why not have a complete life change and try and move out of London?

littlepie, i could have written your post, except i had to go back fulltime.

OP, i think you're overthinking things. why not buy a flat once you're back at work? a house can wait - you shouldn't overextend yourself.

i do think you're putting a lot of pressure on your partner to be the provider - did you discuss this stuff before you had children?

You say your DH is in sales. Have you noticed the current economic climate at all? Sales is not an easy place to be, so no, your DH probably hasn't got a set in stone career plan for the next few years. He is probably glad to have a job, trying hard to meet his targets, and doing his best for his family. You sound unrealistic and self centred. I would say he is being extremely giving, supporting you whilst you study for a PhD, and you should appreciate what you have or get a better job yourself to ensure a better mortgage.

Perhaps you could be the higher earner and take the responsibility?

Perhaps your DH likes his role? Sales Management, which might be seen as the next step, is a drag compared with actually selling (speaking from experience).

So you want your DH to come up with a plan as to how he can work harder to provide for the life to which you aspire, while you sit back, cut down on the stress and enjoy "being a mum"?

Did he know that this was the long-term plan, and that he was supposed to be working on a strategy to make it happen? Does he get a say in what the future should look like?