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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dissapointing husband

103 replies

impma · 10/12/2011 23:55

I live in a 3rd floor flat (in London)with my husband and only child (7 month old son). I am on maternity leave and we have agreed to move to a house before I return to work in June 2012. During discussion with my husband tonight I asked his plans for development of his future career (sales) so I could gage moving affordibility etc. He replied he has "no plan...." I am devastetd as I now feel all responsibilty is on me which equates to studying and working and being "Mum"( inevitably more than a man does) and all I want to do is be Mum and not do PhD. I am dissapointed as I thought being "Dad" might spur him onto planning his futrure. I really do not want to fight this lack of drive for the rest of my life but fear - if his son can't encourage him to do it then no-one can. I think I can't carry him anymore, am I being unreasonable? How shoiuld I approach this?

OP posts:
Pandemoniaa · 11/12/2011 15:58

People rarely develop a lack of ambition overnight. Regardless of the circumstances - although circumstances can and do dictate the practicalities of life.

So I'm surprised that you've got as far into your relationship without discovering that you have increasingly different expectations. But if you want a bigger house and the income to maintain it then you will have to take some responsibility yourself. It is 2011, not 1911.

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 11/12/2011 16:15

I very much suspect that op won't be returning...perhaps a little shame faced about her wine fuelled postings last night.

Which is a shame as she clearly has a lot of stress and worry that she needs to talk about and resolve.

Hope this thread has helped her.

exoticfruits · 11/12/2011 16:36

I suppose that she could be disappointed if he had a firm career plan when she met him, and he has just dropped it, but I can't see any cause for disappointment if he never mentioned one before. Did she tell him that her career plan was for him to be a high earner in order to keep her and DCs in the style to which she would like to become accustomed? I doubt it.

sitandnatter · 11/12/2011 16:44

Who has a firm career plan these days? He is in work providing a roof, paying the bills and no complaints of him as a father. I think many right now are just planning to keep their jobs and hoping for better in the future.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 11/12/2011 17:29

is it really so weird that a mother who has come face to face with wanting to be able to do the best for their child hopes that their partner too has felt the importance of planning for the future and thinking about ways to advance their career to be able to afford a family home etc?

i'm struggling to see why she's gotten so much for shit for being stressed that her husband shows zero sign of responsible thinking about the future.

i'm genuinely stunned she's been given such a tough time.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 11/12/2011 17:30

OP if you are still reading namechange and come post in the feminism section - it is confusing and difficult stuff and hard to work out how to balance it all and i think you'll get a lot of support in thinking through your options and exploring why you're feeling stressed and disappointed over there.

honest, we won't bite.

MoreBeta · 11/12/2011 17:48

Reading this as a man, I can't quite believe what I am reading. Did we just step back to 1953?

This thread is feeding my deepest prejudices that when it comes down to it some women really do want it both ways. The good bits of equality plus a man to provide for them. Fine if he wants that but what if he doesn't?

Agree with so many others - how about DH stays at home and you get out to work and earn that £250k a year salary you so clearly need? Maybe DH wants to spend some time with the baby too? I gave up a career to take a half share in looking after our children and we compromised our lifestyle to do it. Not many Dads can do that, many I know would like to but can't. Some would rather cut their arm off than be stuck at home. It depends on the man.

To demand he take on a more demanding job so you can stay at home is really not on at all. I suggest you do what me and DW did. Cut your lifestyle, both go out to work and enjoy your children -TOGETHER!

Xenia · 11/12/2011 17:50

It certainly felt like she was from a different culture, which indeed she might be.

HecklerNotKoch · 11/12/2011 18:02

some women really do want it both ways.

of course they do. always have, always will. but will continue bleating about being downtrodden but also coming out with daft statements such as "when he gives birth, he can have an opinion"

you couldnt make it up really

and i say that as a woman :)

Hardgoing · 11/12/2011 18:03

Santa, if you want the best for your child, you may have to provide it yourself, or at least as part of a team. I am also not sure doing a PhD is the right way to enhance your earning potential, at least not in the short term.

exoticfruits · 11/12/2011 18:04

i'm struggling to see why she's gotten so much for shit for being stressed that her husband shows zero sign of responsible thinking about the future.

i'm genuinely stunned she's been given such a tough time

Because it isn't 1953 as someone said!! Why does a man have to provide this-women have worked hard for equality and then we find they still want a meal ticket! She can go and work-he can look after the baby.
The only excuse is if she is from another culture-but I have my doubts.

SardineQueen · 11/12/2011 18:15

on;y read ops posts

if you don't like being at home and being mum then why not work
if your dh isn't very ambtious (nothing wrong with that many people are happy just bongling along and that's fine) then maybe he could go part-time and you could work full time

you don't have to do it the traditional way around if it doesn't suit
we did it the traditional way round and it really was a mistake

MoreBeta · 11/12/2011 18:15

Oh by the way. We used to live in a 3rd floor flat in central London with a 7 month old as well and I was doing a PhD at the time so I really do know what life the OP has.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 11/12/2011 18:39

the advice i gave the op was to explore the options as a team - her be the main earner and him stay home or both downgrade a bit and share it etc. but i do think everyone has been really harsh on her. she's stressed and worried about her children's future and scared that her husband doesn't share her concerns. she hasn't said he should go down the mines and work 15hr shifts or anything.

it would have been nice if she could have safely explored her feelings and worked out a strategy for talking to him and working through what would work best for both of them and their family rather than people just bashing away at her.

but it seems i'm the only one thinking that way so i'm happy to bow out. interesting that it got jumped on immediately as an opportunity for feminist bashing though isn't it? and the whole sexist tosh - you women want it all ways ra ra ra.

exoticfruits · 11/12/2011 19:01

Well-it is showing that women want it all ways. They want to be equal to men, they want equal opportunities and then they expect a man to be more equal-i.e. it is his career plan that is important. It seems simple to me-OP doesn't have to do it all she can have DH as SAHD and go out and get the lifestyle she wants. I am with Xenia for once.

fallenpetal · 11/12/2011 19:08

Are you sure he wants another child? If the reality of having just the one isnt quite peachy -small flat more expense moving upwards and maybe over stretching his ability to pay for it - maybe having number 2 isnt appealing to him hence his reluctance. I dont think id want to over stretch myself.,get another job especially in this climate to have another child. Maybe he is content in his job and scared of moving up for fear of hating it? Maybe he is happy with just 1 child?
I think you should take stock, make the best of what you have, move if you must but stay within your current means so if you do decide to have number 2 he doesnt resent you for having to change everything he is happy with to fit in to what seem to be your future plans.
I do totally understand your wish for his commitment to moving, getting a better job etc esp as your clock is ticking for having another ( Id probably feel the same frustration at his apathy) but I suggest you have a reasonable conversation about what he really wants and come to a compromise

Ill just add a big reason I divorced was XP wish to move away - the other side of the world away it ruined us moving forward because we just wanted such different things - had I known before we married Id never have married him, please dont make my xp mistake of assuming id follow him once we were married with kids.

Hope you work it out - big hugs x

Triggles · 12/12/2011 09:04

This is why you discuss these types of things prior to getting married. Yes, people can change the goalposts without warning, but often you see couples that simply have not discussed these things and then things fall apart.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 12/12/2011 09:09

Mooove oop north where the living is cheaper. You could probably buy a mansion on the sale of your flat alone!

daveywarbeck · 12/12/2011 09:15

Apart from the calling the husband a loser, I completely agree with Xenia too. But then I often do.

exoticfruits · 12/12/2011 09:58

I never know why people get married without asking the big questions. If you intend to be with someone for life it makes sense to discuss what sort of life you want!

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 12/12/2011 10:00

i just never know why they get married Grin

exoticfruits · 12/12/2011 10:05

Because they assume a lot about the other person-mainly that they think the same way!

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 12/12/2011 10:10
SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 12/12/2011 10:10

wrong thread Blush sorry

wordfactory · 12/12/2011 11:06

Personally, I would be every unhappy with an unambitious DP.

Not because I expect to be provided for, but because I have more in common with those with a lot of plans and get frustrated by life's plodders.

That said op, your DP's lack of ambition cannot possibly be news to you. So it's a bit unfair to make it an issue now.

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