dissapointing husband

[impma]

I live in a 3rd floor flat (in London)with my husband and only child (7 month old son). I am on maternity leave and we have agreed to move to a house before I return to work in June 2012. During discussion with my husband tonight I asked his plans for development of his future career (sales) so I could gage moving affordibility etc. He replied he has "no plan...." I am devastetd as I now feel all responsibilty is on me which equates to studying and working and being "Mum"( inevitably more than a man does) and all I want to do is be Mum and not do PhD. I am dissapointed as I thought being "Dad" might spur him onto planning his futrure. I really do not want to fight this lack of drive for the rest of my life but fear - if his son can't encourage him to do it then no-one can. I think I can't carry him anymore, am I being unreasonable? How shoiuld I approach this?

Yep, me too - see it the same way as HoneyandHaycorns.

I think your just being lazy if you cant be bothered to do it but you want him to do more. If you want the house so bad then work for it

Indeed a roof over your head etc is a lot to be grateful for but don't think it will cut it when the school tour to France sking is a no go 'cause Mum and Dad can't afford it!

you are think waaaayyyy too far into the future. Trust me, the way you feel now will be very different from the way you feel when DC1 starts school and when he/she is old enough for ski trips. Who knows which of you will be working and doing what by then!

Sounds to me like you are bogged down in baby world and have found the adjustment to parenthood more difficult than you anticipated. That's quite normal!!

However, I agree with others that projecting onto your husband what you expect him to do is very unfair indeed. You do need to talk this through.

And I also think its vital never to plan ahead based on anything more than you have now. Having enough money for ski trips is no way near as important as having a happy familiy life.

ps I work full time with 2 DC under 6 and my lovely husband is a stay at home dad, full time. Its was the best way round for us. We are both in our 40's.

I think you should chill out and not overthink things. If your DP seems happy then go with it. Just enjoy your life for what it is and stop pushing for the "dream". Just now is hardly the time to be taking major financial risks.

Extra hours, Career ladder climbing and moving house causes major strain on a relationship and you could find your husband resenting you for pushing you into something that he didn't want to do.

Are you not happy in your flat?Is it in a bad area? Do you need more space or is it that you just want to live in a house?

I'd tread carefully..your Dp might be under the impression that things are going good just now after the birth of dc. Its a big adjustment..I don't know if I'd want to put all the responsibility on him of being the provider who has to deliver big.

I wouldn't like it is my dp told me that I had to get a better job and one good enough for a mahoosive mortgage and then we have to have another baby.

I'm not being critical however i'd like to know if this was always the plan or if you've just decided this.

Did you not discuss this kind of thing when you married Mr unambitious loser?

If money etc matters to you why don't you go out and earn a lot of it? I earned 10x my children's father so nothing to stop you?

Were you brought up in a sexist culture, religion or home which made you believe men earn and women work part time and clean the house etc?

Why not suggest you go back to full time work and that when baby 2 comes along he gives up all work and looks after the children at home and then you can be freed of home stuff and earn the sums you'd like to earn and he can have the gentler unambitious life which is what he has always wanted.

The OP does seem to be overthinking things when it comes to school ski trips in the future. I think we all understand having a need for financial security. But I'm curious just how much of this is new and how much was discussed previously between you and your DP.

You say you are in your 40s. How long have you been together? Since your 20s? Or just a couple years? Did you actually HAVE long term plans? If so, when did you make them and have you discussed them recently?

Honestly, I would have thought this kind of thing would have been something you discussed once you realised you were pregnant with the baby you now have. How long has he been working this job? Surely you must have had some idea of his ideal career path when you got married? Has it changed drastically?

A mortgage isn't the end all/be all in life. We've owned a home twice in the past, but currently rent (sold homes due to job moves) as it suits our finances better. As we are in our 40s, we are most likely not going to purchase another home, but we are not really worried about it. Lots of people live in flats with children - sure a big house with a lovely garden is nice, but not necessarily a requirement. It generally also comes with a hefty payment.

I wanted to be a SAHM and couldn't for years. Now I am a SAHM mainly because our DS2 is disabled and I am his main carer. DH works, but doesn't have very high pay. I could earn more if I was working, due to the nature of my previous work, but DH cannot cope FT with DS2 and therefore I am home. It's not necessarily what we planned, but sometimes you have to adjust your plans to reality. I would never put pressure on DH to be making more money - he feels enough pressure as it is, and the last thing he needs is that. We make do with what we have, and that's life.

I think, based simply on what the OP has said so far, that the title of this thread is horrible, in the sense that she feels he is not living up to her expectations and has let her down. He's working, they have somewhere decent (I assume, as she hasn't drip-fed anything about that) to live, and apparently enough money to cover their current expenses. Sorry, but lots of people are struggling with much worse situations. Couldn't you see it from what may be his POV? Would he be able to post on here "AIBU - I'm working hard at my job, trying to support my family, and my wife doesn't feel it's good enough - she still wants more?"

OP, it does sound a bit like you are expecting your DH to 'make everything alright', rather than sitting down together as a partnership and working out how you are going to manage your fiannces and lifestyle.

These are hard times. Your husband has a job. You have a home. Your situation really isn't that bad.

Perhaps you should be thinking about how you are going to contribute financially to your family in the long term, too, rather than putting pressure on your husband to earn enough to buy a house in London and finance another child and for you to stay at home (which isn't always a realistic option for many people).

Oh my! I agree with Xenia!!
Never thought I would say that

It is the first time that I have agreed with Xenia!!
You must have know what DH was like and yet, just because you have a DC, you are expecting change and expecting him to provide you with a lifestyle while you do nothing towards it.
Those days have gone and there is no reason that the man has to be the one with important career and earning power. If it is important to you then you need to be the one to do it.
If you don't want to do that, I suggest that you find a part of the country where housing is more affordable, life is slower and you can live on less.

Xenia is entirely right

Another one who agrees with Xenia.

I actually agree with Xenia as well.

I initially thought this was a wind up thread, as it read a bit like "I want to stay home with the baby, why isn't my husband being agreeable to work himself into the ground in order for me to have the nicer house and lifestyle that I want? pout pout" Sadly, it's probably not a wind up.

Is this a record? Has Xenia ever had so much support?

It's a record, gotta be!

Well, Xenia is not saying anything revolutionary here, just common sense.

If the op wants the lifestyle with a house in london, skiing holidays for the kids, she can bloody well go out and earn the money to fund this herself rather than relying on a man to do it for her.

Yes, sexism works both ways and there is non reason men or women have to be ambitious. Also never marry a man or woman expecting to change them. They never do change.

We';re going skiing soon. I fund that. It's 2011. Women buy their own children and families skiing holidays if they have made wise career choices etc. Not that anyone needs a skiing holiday at all of course. And this many may be lovely, very helpful at home, around a lot committed to the family but just not that into work and money and career and ambition.

I want to be as hardnosed and unyielding as xenia. If I was, then maybe I too would be able to afford private school for my kids, and my own island in the south pacific. But me, I am a big old soppy softie who has put my elderly parents welfare before that of my own family, and for this we stand to lose our business, so hey ho, for women earning and making the right decisions!

I am sort of wallowing a bit. Sitting on my sorry arse on a sunday morning, being the happy owner of two houses, on in london and one in the friggin arctic, while renting a third house, in London, and having a mega 4x4 sitting in a garage in the friggin arctic, while we struggled to scrape together for a second hand car. It is laughable and pathetic. But, this was all down to me. I bought the first house, I built the second house (as a self build), I was very good at persuading my husband this was the right thing to do. Only, it wasnt!

Xenia is right in so far as if she wants it all then she should work for it but being unambitious doesn't make someone a loser.

I really do not want to fight this lack of drive for the rest of my life

You need to communicate better with each other and support each other. you also need to get out and met people in RL to help you get back to a better perspective.

This is why I don't generally agree with her,cantspel, I don't think that being unambitious makes someone a loser BUT in this case they both appear to be unambitious and suddenly OP has a DC and wants her DH to change and fund a lifestyle that she has no intention of funding herself.

I think that my cousin's DS was divorced for the very same reason(I have never been told but it is my guess). They met abroad when both were doing a job that was very interesting but not highly paid. They got married, came back to this country and started a business together-again a very interesting one but it was never going to make them rich. They seemed well suited and perfectly happy and then they had a baby.
Suddenly she was expecting him to act like her father (high paid, high status job) and provide for school fees, nice house, skiing holidays-all the stuff she had as a DC.
He was never going to do this-but she knew before they had the DC and if it was important why not leave him looking after the baby and do it herself-if it was suddenly important?

It is 21st century and if OP wants it all she should get out into the workplace and do it herself-why should she rely on someone else because he is male?