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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or did MIL take it a bit far?

150 replies

JaneFonda · 10/12/2011 21:06

This is not really a MIL bashing thread, we get on very well and I think she is a really lovely lady overall, so there's no bitterness in any of this! Also, she is my DP's mum so not technically MIL, but me and DP have been together since we were teenagers and have four children together, so not a new fling! :o

DP's parents are very strong Christians, which, aside from the occasional comment about our living situation, has never been any source of tension. Me and DP aren't really anything, but respect all faiths and I really do believe that everyone is entitled to believe what they wish without ridicule. I like to think that me and DP do quite a good job of encouraging our DCs to be open and accepting of everyone's beliefs.

A couple of weeks ago we bought DS1 and DS2 (4) a book which is really nice - it basically explains a lot of the world's major religions with stories and pictures and stuff and I think they enjoy learning about all of the differences.

DS1 took this book with him today with a pile of others to his granny and grandad's house to read with them. When he got back, I was putting them away and noticed that the religion book had something on it. I opened it, and some of the pages were glued together. I asked DS1 if he'd accidentally spilt some glue, and he said no, granny had glued those pages down because they were naughty for him to look at.

All of the pages except the section on Christianity were glued together...

AIBU to find this really quite strange? Should I say anything to her? I did explain to DS1 that they weren't naughty at all etc, but should I bring it up with her? I don't want this to turn into a big argument, but... well, it's not normal, is it?

OP posts:

lilchicken · 12/12/2011 07:18

I like the school book approach. Kind of passive aggressive but it keeps it from being a direct attack.

In my opinion any religion which can't stand up right next to any other religion and be confident that theirs is the right way is no religion at all!

exoticfruits · 12/12/2011 07:56

I wouldn't go for the school book, that makes it sound as if you can't do it to public property, but are quite entitled to do it to your 'nearest and dearest'. She destroyed a book and she needs to replace it. Politely and calmly tell her so.
She is still doing what she should have stopped doing when her DCs were young-forcing her opinion as the 'right one'.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 12/12/2011 09:32

Looks like we wont ever find out as the OP hasnt returned for an update

Angelswings · 12/12/2011 09:36

She took it far too far. She had the option of just hiding the book and giving back to you

She defaced a book
She went against your decision to give him the book
She used emotive language about other faiths

I'm a Christian and am glad my kids learn about other faiths

You do need to address this with her but ive no idea how

WelshMoth · 12/12/2011 09:38

You're going to have to tackle this OP, or rather your DP is going to have to. This is just the first of other potential scenario's in you and your DC lives. What happens if they have Sikh friends for example? If they eventually get a Catholic girlfriend? Are gay? etc etc. This isn't Christianity, this is bigotry.

It can't go unmentioned.

WelshMoth · 12/12/2011 09:38

Wars are started with these attitudes.

MayaAngelCool · 13/12/2011 19:34

SGB's soapboxing sounds like she's on the same part of the attitude spectrum as the MIL!

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 13/12/2011 21:20

Not at all, while I hold all superstitions in equal contempt: ie they are bullshit, I have no intention of trying to stop other people believing whatever crap they want to believe, nor in surpressing discussion of all the different superstitions. But I woulnd't tiptoe round someone's unpleasant behaviour just because they claim that their imaginary friend told them to do it. This MIL has clearly been a PITA for a while, and the OP has been trying to rise above it and be kind and tolerant when a good kick up the twinkle is probably a better option.

SugarPasteChristmasCake · 13/12/2011 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

JaneFonda · 13/12/2011 21:53

Sorry to have left it so long.

Those of you asking about the book, it's the Usborne Book of World Religions - there's plenty on Amazon, I think. It's quite nice to go through, I would recommend it. :)

Haven't yet spoken to MIL - there are bigger fish to fry at the moment (Grace is back in hospital :() so I suppose we'll have to see what happens. I'm a bit reluctant to start an argument this close to Christmas, it could be tense.

OP posts:

1Catherine1 · 13/12/2011 22:02

Have you told your DP about it? Surely he will think it is just as outrageous behavior. I'm quite shocked that she did that tbh. Maybe it would be best if he spoke to her.

MirandaGoshawk · 13/12/2011 22:08

I was brought up a very religious extended family, and I can imagine why your MIL felt compelled to deface a book that is "promoting" "untruths". (Please note the inverted commas.)

She has doubtless been indoctrinated from childhood, and been told that there is only one right way, one truth, one way to God. Her indoctrinators' way. It's very hard to kick against something so embedded. (I know - but I do!)

What to do? I know that the vast majority of people won't agree, but in your situation, I'd leave it. You won't win any arguments. I would ignore it. You might have to find a way to explain to your DS that MIL's beliefs are a bit unusual (good luck!) but that she loves him etc. and is a good person. But odd unusual. And quietly replace the book.

mrsmplus3 · 13/12/2011 22:10

i would absolutely say something. in a calm and very normal surprised sort of way like "can i ask what happened with the religion book the day he was at yours? it came back glued together??

CheerfulYank · 13/12/2011 22:18

Yes, ask her about it.

How bizarre.

WibblyBibble · 13/12/2011 22:28

That is mad. I would check with her that it was true and if so would suggest psychiatric help tbh.

Original poster

JaneFonda · 13/12/2011 22:29

Miranda, I think I was probably planning on doing what you suggested.

The issue isn't really about the book, because although I don't appreciate DS's belongings being ruined, it is easy to replace and doesn't hold sentimental value like a cuddly toy.

I don't want to cause a big row, but I'm not sure where the line should be drawn between keeping schtum and actually accommodating her issues...

OP posts:

SolidGoldStockingFilla · 13/12/2011 22:56

OK OP, you are obviously a lovely person and by the sound of it do have more important things to worry about. But it sounds like you will have to draw an imaginary line in the sand with your MIL, because people who are this dementedly and furiously addicted to one particular brand of superstition will feel entitled to hurt other people's feelings, interfere with their lives and damage or destroy their property time and time again. Will you want to wait till she is slapping your DC for blaspheming? Or destroying your DD's clothes and make up for being 'indecent'? Or, should your DC hit their teens and experiment with a bit of woo-bollocks such as tarot cards or Buddhism, will you let her verbally abuse them or refuse to let them into her house?

1Catherine1 · 13/12/2011 23:34

I posted about an hour ago and then went to feed DD. While she was feeding I got to thinking about this thread and now probably agree the best thing to do is to just quietly replace the book and explain to DS that granny is set in her ways - obviously word it better. At most possibly apologize to MIL if the book made her uncomfortable as it was only intended to educate your DS about all the different religions. Leave it at that. Must be difficult for her as the devout Christian she is to see her DS abandon the religion and then see her DGC treating her sacred religion in the same light as all the "false" religions. I suppose when you try and see it from her point of view its a little less out of line.

In response to previous poster - grandparents are grandparents. They don't have to know what GC do. My fathers parents are crazy religious and had I ever liked them I would have hidden my tarot cards when they visited when I went through that phase. My mothers parents are silently religious (believing but not practicing) and I always put them away out of respect when they were coming.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 13/12/2011 23:59

How is Grace doing?

You are far more tolerant than I am!! I would go mad at her for defacing her grandson's book & for spouting such utter crap. I would insist she replaced the book - it is not her place to deface the book or to over ride you about what he is told about religion. It's one thing to say she believes x and this is why, it's quite another to tell him it's naughty to think anything else - I'd be steaming.

WidowWadman · 14/12/2011 00:00

Is it really respectful to hide away your own beliefs for fear of offending those who believe differently or is it giving in to other people's disrespectfulness?

CatPussRoastingByAnOpenFire · 14/12/2011 00:03

Bonkers! Make the mad old bat buy a new one!!

anneatkins · 14/12/2011 00:20

Hello, I've been bonking about "aibu" threads for a few days - as I saw one during a Google search.

This one however, prompted me to join so I could post on this because:

If your Religion, whatever it is, requires such drastic measures to defend, and you really think it can be shaken rather than enhanced by something in a book, well - that says all that need be said about your faith in your own Religion.

Defacing property in the name of Religion (dogma) is to me a sign of not having very much faith at all.

I admit, I am not Christian - but you would never catch me gluing books together or banishing books (Noah's Ark, the Bethlehem story, etc) from my home based on my own preferences.

:-)
Happy Holidays!

FellatioNelson · 14/12/2011 03:19

OP, you are being way too accomodating here. I am the last person to cause a row or seek confrontation if I can avoid it and I'm all for just steaming away quietly to myself by letting it go for the sake of harmony and an easy life, but SERIOUSLY this needs for you to confront her. Not in an agressive way, but it needs confronting all the same.

She needs to be told (calmly, nicely, but firmly) that she has stepped way out of line, and the reasons why. I think you should not have to do it alone though - either your DH should do it, or you do it together.

MollyMurphy · 14/12/2011 04:06

You really could not restrain me from laying into her about it - she was so inappropriate.....I guess I'm not as nice as you OP [ fsmile].

sitandnatter · 14/12/2011 04:17

You also have to consider the bigger message is that nanny has just rold him effectively that Mummy has bought him a naughty book. Not good,

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