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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or did MIL take it a bit far?

150 replies

JaneFonda · 10/12/2011 21:06

This is not really a MIL bashing thread, we get on very well and I think she is a really lovely lady overall, so there's no bitterness in any of this! Also, she is my DP's mum so not technically MIL, but me and DP have been together since we were teenagers and have four children together, so not a new fling! :o

DP's parents are very strong Christians, which, aside from the occasional comment about our living situation, has never been any source of tension. Me and DP aren't really anything, but respect all faiths and I really do believe that everyone is entitled to believe what they wish without ridicule. I like to think that me and DP do quite a good job of encouraging our DCs to be open and accepting of everyone's beliefs.

A couple of weeks ago we bought DS1 and DS2 (4) a book which is really nice - it basically explains a lot of the world's major religions with stories and pictures and stuff and I think they enjoy learning about all of the differences.

DS1 took this book with him today with a pile of others to his granny and grandad's house to read with them. When he got back, I was putting them away and noticed that the religion book had something on it. I opened it, and some of the pages were glued together. I asked DS1 if he'd accidentally spilt some glue, and he said no, granny had glued those pages down because they were naughty for him to look at.

All of the pages except the section on Christianity were glued together...

AIBU to find this really quite strange? Should I say anything to her? I did explain to DS1 that they weren't naughty at all etc, but should I bring it up with her? I don't want this to turn into a big argument, but... well, it's not normal, is it?

OP posts:
iscream · 11/12/2011 05:59

"I suppose I'm not sure how I should bring the issue up without it seeming like I'm insulting/offending her."

She/they obviously don't have the same concerns where you and your dp are concerned.
If I were you, my children would not go back until they replaced the book, and apologized for defacing it. Even then, it would be quite some time before I wanted to speak with them.

lisianthus · 11/12/2011 06:33

I'm Catholic and i think it is great that you have given your DC such a book, which will encourage him to be a tolerant and understanding human being. Your MIL is weird, and I would be concerned about what ELSE she is telling him when you aren't there.

Glue her Daily Mail together.

TroublesomeEx · 11/12/2011 06:39

I'd be fuming.

I don't think I would be worried about offending or upsetting her.

The book sounds great (can I ask what it is?)

MarchelineWhatNot · 11/12/2011 06:45

Yep, naughty step for Grandma. That is outrageous! I would be having words about this. You are clearly bringing up your DC to be tolerant [don't like this word] of all religions. How dare she undermine you like this?

I agree with lisianthus - glue her Daily Mail together Grin

mathanxiety · 11/12/2011 06:47

I would be concerned, since she has taken this bold step with the wind in her sails, that she would one day say something to your DS about your domestic arrangement, something that might hurt, worry or upset him.

I think you and your DP need to take the bull by the horns and make sure you are all on the same page about what is and what is not ok to do or say when the children are with the MIL. If she and your FIL belong to a church, maybe the priest, pastor, vicar or whatever, could sit all of you down together and talk about things (but research the sort of attitude this person might have first).

MayaAngelCool · 11/12/2011 06:52

That is such a ridiculous thing to do, what is she hoping to achieve? I like the post of whoever said the OP should tell her that she's going to put her grandchildren off Christianity...and then watch her panic! Grin

Does she think that she can shelter your children from Other People's Lives indefinitely? Or that young children should not be subjected to such terrifying horrors as learning about other religions?

DS (also 5) and I had an interesting chat about the God/ no God question after he'd studied Diwali, in which i gave him a potted summary of the atheist-religious belief spectrum, ending with me saying that while everyone hopes that what they believe is right, we'll only really know for sure when we die.

Despite possessing a typical 5 yo's Paxman-like expertise in questioning he was surprisingly comfortable with that level of uncertainty - unlike many adults! Grin

Happygilmore - it's not religions per se that make people do stoopid things like this; it's people who choose to take a black/ white view on their religion (or anything else in life, for that matter).

troisgarcons · 11/12/2011 06:54

Im scratching my head over the "scientific evidence for fairies" someway up the thread!

littlepie · 11/12/2011 08:21

I'm really shocked at this. What will she do when your DC talk about other faiths they have learnt about at school?

You need to raise it with her now in a calm way-children pick up these views surprisingly quickly.

SuePurblybiltbyElves · 11/12/2011 08:26

You shouldn't bring it up at all, IMVHO, this is one for your DP to tackle with your support. YANBatallU.

exoticfruits · 11/12/2011 08:39

It is something that I would have a word about. I would calmly and politely say that while you respect her views you don't want her passing them on to DC, who will be learning about all religions, and that you are upset that she ruined a lovely book, necessitating you buying another.

Dozer · 11/12/2011 08:40

Agree with mathanxiety, I would be worried about what she might say to the DC about all kinds of things, and would not want the DC to be alone with them regularly until DP had got them to agree not to talk to your DC about religion / your cohabiting / anything else they may disapprove of (eg homosexuality?)

SuePurblybiltbyElves · 11/12/2011 08:42

And tell her it was a school library book and they're fuming.

gothicangel · 11/12/2011 08:43

janefonda what was the book, id love to get my dc a copy,

i think MIL is being a twonk, and i would be asking for a new book to replace the one she vanalised!

xx

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 11/12/2011 08:53

I think you can take it as read that she is not ok with your family arrangements. To do something like this must result from a lot of pent up feelings. Its shocking that she can think nothing of destroying somebody else's property!

what does DP say?

elinorbellowed · 11/12/2011 09:05

Not acceptable and you need to ask her to replace the book. My PIL aren't officially Christians (only in the 'we're white English Daily Mail readers so don't you dare suggest we're anything else), but they clearly have a problem with us not being married considering the amount of times they put DP's surname on mine and the children's birthday cards. It's passive aggressive and annoying, but no way as disrespectful as damaging your property. I agree that it might be time to discuss your living arrangements so that your DS is clear in his own mind as he grows up. I plan to do this now that my DS is at school and has started talking about people being married.
You could also point out to her that if she hides info it makes it more attractive to small children........

Rikalaily · 11/12/2011 09:07

Absolutely disgusting. It is your decision what your dc's learn about religion, it was your ds's book which she has no right to ruin it and she's teaching your son that defacing books is ok. I would definately say something and tell her that she has to replace the book. You shouldn't be worried about offending her, what she did was wrong in many ways, she is encouraging your child to dismiss other peoples beliefs, she should not force her beliefs onto your children.

My dad is very similar (he only found the church a few years ago but take it very seriously) and it took a while for him stop trying to push his views on us, in the end I told him that the kids can choose what religion they want to follow or follow none at all when they are older. I let him buy the kids a childrens bible but they never read it and if he'd pulled the stunt your MIL has his ears would be ringing after I'd finished with him.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 11/12/2011 09:08

How very un-Christian of her.

DuchessofMalfi · 11/12/2011 09:24

I'm still fuming, years later, about a book my MIL threw away that belonged to me. I had sent a pile of paperbacks over to my SIL, and dropped them at MIL's who said she was going to give them to her. She must have gone through them and deemed it unsuitable for her DD (aged about 30 [hgrin]) and binned it. I didn't find out until SIL asked which ones I wanted back and which ones she could pass to her friends. I said I wanted that one back, and she told me she hadn't even had it. MIL confessed to having "lost" it and offered to replace it. DH told her not to bother.

shemademedoit · 11/12/2011 09:50

I'd be telling her that a replacement book is in order (Christmas gift?!!!) and I'd be giving her a book on tolerance.....

WhoopsyLa · 11/12/2011 09:55

Very odd but also, based on your description of MIL there is NO way I woud have sent my child with that book. It's like a statement.

difficulttimes · 11/12/2011 09:56

derailing slightly,
I was a teenage unmarried mother, My dad is a strict muslim, he has never made an utterance about our 'living situation'

her behaviour is odd and unnacceptable.

Tinselperion · 11/12/2011 10:04

I just had a chat to DH (theologian and RE teacher) about this. He thinks this is a really useful "teachable moment" for you to talk to your kids, and it's not worth confronting your MIL because it won't change her and will be more likely to cause a huge rift.

He used the analogy of his own grandmother who he describes as having been xenophobic to the point of racist, but it was actually very instructive to him to hear the so-called arguments she tried to make for her side.

newbiedoobiedoo · 11/12/2011 10:12

Why can't your DP bring it up with her and save you the worry that you don't want to have?! His silly mother, his silly problem! :)

Of course it's unacceptable to not only damage your property but to decide what YOUR children should and should not be exposed to.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 11/12/2011 10:16

Yes, your DP should be talking to her about this - she's his mum.

What she did was completely out of order - you are far too nice to be saying maybe the book offended her. If she didn't want to read it, she could have said that to you!

Please get your DP to have it out with her.

lollopybear · 11/12/2011 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.