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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or did MIL take it a bit far?

150 replies

JaneFonda · 10/12/2011 21:06

This is not really a MIL bashing thread, we get on very well and I think she is a really lovely lady overall, so there's no bitterness in any of this! Also, she is my DP's mum so not technically MIL, but me and DP have been together since we were teenagers and have four children together, so not a new fling! :o

DP's parents are very strong Christians, which, aside from the occasional comment about our living situation, has never been any source of tension. Me and DP aren't really anything, but respect all faiths and I really do believe that everyone is entitled to believe what they wish without ridicule. I like to think that me and DP do quite a good job of encouraging our DCs to be open and accepting of everyone's beliefs.

A couple of weeks ago we bought DS1 and DS2 (4) a book which is really nice - it basically explains a lot of the world's major religions with stories and pictures and stuff and I think they enjoy learning about all of the differences.

DS1 took this book with him today with a pile of others to his granny and grandad's house to read with them. When he got back, I was putting them away and noticed that the religion book had something on it. I opened it, and some of the pages were glued together. I asked DS1 if he'd accidentally spilt some glue, and he said no, granny had glued those pages down because they were naughty for him to look at.

All of the pages except the section on Christianity were glued together...

AIBU to find this really quite strange? Should I say anything to her? I did explain to DS1 that they weren't naughty at all etc, but should I bring it up with her? I don't want this to turn into a big argument, but... well, it's not normal, is it?

OP posts:
pigletmania · 10/12/2011 21:18

YANBU at all, I am Shock. I would casually tell her "oh ds book on World Religions had glue stuck on the pages, did he spill anything on them" And then tell her that you are teaching ds about all religions as they are important, and should be tolerant of all religions. My PIL are staunch Catholics, but I cannot envisage them doing anything like this, FIL is very open minded about other faiths.

Original poster
JaneFonda · 10/12/2011 21:18

help, I don't want to drip feed (but then, I didn't want to make my OP too full of past information), but when we first moved in together it was quite a tough time. We were living in sin, apparently, and she tried her best to get DP to leave, bribing/blackmailing him etc.

When I first got pregnant, she wasn't too happy either, but I think after the birth of DS1 things mellowed out a lot, thankfully.

So, really, what I should have said in my OP was, there's never been any source of tension since the birth of DS1.

OP posts:
Eglu · 10/12/2011 21:19

I would be seriously pissed off.

QuietNinjaMincepie · 10/12/2011 21:19

I'd be severely pissed off if someone defaced. A book in this way. I'd mention it and ask for the book to be replaced. Grr makes me mad when someone treats books badly.

feedthegoatsletthemknowitsxmas · 10/12/2011 21:20

To be honest if it was me I wouldn't really care if I did offend her. I'd be furious with her for the 'naughty' comment and don't think I'd pussyfoot around in telling her so either. I'd be pretty bloody offended myself which I think would make me a little less sensitive to her.

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 10/12/2011 21:20

What a horrible thing to do to a book. :(

breatheslowly · 10/12/2011 21:23

She sounds a bit loopy and I would be furious.

PoppadumPreach · 10/12/2011 21:24

adding to the consensus - totally unacceptable.

how she can possibly think "hiding" other religions at this age is going to ensure he becomes a "committed christian" is beyond me.

i think you need to have a quiet, but civilised, word with you MIL - this not only reflects on her badly, but also on her religion.

and i agree with helpmabob - I would worry what else she is saying to him

good luck - an unenviable position.

RandomMess · 10/12/2011 21:28

Not acceptable at all! I would say to your MIL that you can understand why she did it but in future if something like that happens it would be best to just to refuse to read the book with the gc.

Personally I wouldn't let them take religious material with them again to avoid a contentious issue as it's not worth the stress on either side.

Bathsheba · 10/12/2011 21:29

I'm a Christian and that is simply not acceptable. Tell her she needs to replace the book.

And can you post an amazon link to the book as i'd like it for the little wombles

verysmellyeli · 10/12/2011 21:29

Shock Shock Shock

What is she going to do when they get older? Glue the remote control? Glue the radio dial? Glue up other people's mouths?

I am a real advocate of avoiding conflict with the IL's if at all possible, but this is major.

When you talk to her - and you must - maybe try and make it about you and your feelings rather than being directly accusing? Something along the lines of 'It made me feel very sad that you felt you had to do what you did to DS's book' and see what she comes up with........

Good luck. You sound lovely and very patient (I'm tempted to ask what the book is as it sounds perfect for our house!)

Rowboat · 10/12/2011 21:31

I'd be furious! Aside from the incredibly intolerant messages she is giving your DS towards diversity, she is also teaching him that vandalism is acceptable.

I'm not that easily shocked, but this time i am appalled. You should definitely raise this with her.

Blatherskite · 10/12/2011 21:34

I would be livid! I'd ask her to replace it but I'm guessing she never would.

helpmabob · 10/12/2011 21:36

I think she must be talked to but you don't have to, get your dp to

justanuthermanicmumsday · 10/12/2011 21:36

I would ask them to replace the book and ask them if they have anything they want to share with you. They're ur kids it's up to u how they're raised clearly th grandparents have issues with ur ideas on faith it should b addressed but in a respectful way to maintain the peace, since u have a good relationship. Good luck.

2rebecca · 10/12/2011 21:40

Agree with the others. It wasn't her book to ruin. She would be angry if you ruined a book of hers so it is unreasonable of her to ruin a book that you bought owned by your daughter. I would be phoninjg her up and letting her know I expected her to buy a rep[lacement, that I was very angry, didn't like her attempt to brain wash my child and never ever wanted her to do anything like that again.
I don't often get very angry but this is American fundamentalist type brain washing.

justanuthermanicmumsday · 10/12/2011 21:43

Since u gave us more bkground ino. Trust me have ha issues with you. The only reason tendons seized was because she didn't want to be cut off fon grandchildren, it's not out of any acceptance of your beliefs. The same thing happened with my friend, practically disowned her on grounds of race and faith. But soon as word got out of a grandchild all hunky dory, I'm not buying into it. But I do hope I ann wrong, and the situation is resolved

Dawndonnathatchristmasiscoming · 10/12/2011 21:43

Many years ago, a catholic school at which I was teaching had a book fair. All copies of the Northern Lights Trilogy were pulled from the shelves. I put it too the governor concerned (gently) that that censorship was not on, and in fact is more likely to breed inquisitiveness. She was a German who had lived through the book burnings, and she had the good grace and courage to apologise and put the books back.
What I'm trying to say is maybe having a talk about censorship etc. may work.

fortifiedwithtea · 10/12/2011 23:17

Explain to MIL that she can not hide other faiths from your DC. Learning and understanding other religions is a compulsory part of the national curriculum.

In other words they will learn it at school, so live with it.

Yanbu. She should replace your damaged book.

ShengdanRoad · 11/12/2011 04:50

I would be furious and severely limit DS's contact with her. It's an unforgivable thing to do, and represents an attitude so backward that it makes me incredibly angry.

HughBastard · 11/12/2011 04:59

Gosh - she's really not terribly confident in Christianity if she is worried that a glimpse of information about another religion would blow Christianity out of the water. Maybe you should ask her about her lack of faith?

aldiwhore · 11/12/2011 05:02

She's totally U, but I can imagine a post from her saying "my DIL who am I tolerant of and is a nice person recently sent her child to us with a book that made out our faith was one of many and not, as we belive the 'one' - AIBU that she's somewhat rubbing our nose in her agonostism and generally being underhand?"

I'd stil say she was being U. But from HER PoV maybe she saw it as a challenge from you to her, or punishment, or just an indication that although tolerant of all religions, maybe she feels you didn't respect hers?

Basically I know what books go to Granny's house, I tend to leave those out which have subliminal messages like 'The Old Dragon' and 'Granny is full of shit'.

YANBU of course, crazy behaviour. Take her out for coffee, if you get on well, explain it wasn't an assault on her beliefs, but her action was unreasonable (and a bit nutty).

mathanxiety · 11/12/2011 05:06

What you need here is for your DP to stand up to her.

At the very least he needs to tell her that what she did was unacceptable and that the book will have to be replaced. Ideally he would have the whole question of your life with him (in sin god help you) thrashed out with her at the same time. She owes you both an apology for her attitude over the years, You are all adults and she is behaving very badly with her comments and now the book incident.

What is she going to do when your DCs go to school and start taking RE? They are going to learn about lots of different religions there.

FellatioNelson · 11/12/2011 05:11

YANBU!!!!! I would be absolutely bloody furious ande demand that she replaces the book immediately, and backs the fuck off. She has no right to try to manipulate your child's mind like that. It's a stupid, narrow minded and intolerant thing to do. I'm appalled by this.

FellatioNelson · 11/12/2011 05:14

but aldiwhore their faith is one of many! It doesn't change the fact that to them it is the right one, the truth, etc, but it is a fact that it is one of many faiths. She's an idiot if she cannot acknoweldge that.