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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to go to bed when I, not DH, wants?

109 replies

scubamummy · 07/12/2011 14:40

DH gets up at 6am for work each weekday and wants to go to bed by 10pm at the latest (often even at weekends!) so that he can get at least 8 hours sleep. Fine, I have no problem with him doing so. But he tells me that I have to come to bed with him because he can't get to sleep without me(!) or because I wake him up when I get in. He also doesn't want to wear earplugs so that he doesn't get disturbed if I come in later.

I am a SAHM to a very active 10mo dd hence don't get much time to myself. I would like to be able to spend up to an hour each night mumsnetting checking emails and doing admin on my own. This is my downtime, my chance to de-programme from the day - it's either this, or wine, and I don't really want to drink myself to sleep each night!

At the risk of sounding like a stroppy teenager, AIBU to want to go to bed when I want? I haven't been told to go to bed like this since the early 1990s when I was at school!

OP posts:
Witchofthenorth · 07/12/2011 14:45

YANBU, tell him to get stuffed. You are an adult, he is not your parent, go to bed when you bloody well please! Are there other areas of your life he tries to control?!

My DH goes to bed at 9 every weeknight, he gets up at 430. He wouldn't dream of getting me to come to bed at the same time, and if he did he would get some short shrift TBH!

Shock
Witchofthenorth · 07/12/2011 14:46

Also, you shouldn't have to justify why you don't want to go to bed at the same time!

I shall get off my high horse now OP :o

Xmasbaby11 · 07/12/2011 14:49

YANBU. He should understand that extra hour is precious to you. He will learn to sleep without you, don't worry!

Chandon · 07/12/2011 14:54

I guess it also means no sex, right?

I think that's what he means by feeling a bit lonely? Wink

my Dh gets up at 5, so goes to bed at 9:30. I sometimes join in the early bedtime, for a cuddle. Most nights I stay up a bit later, but I brush my teeth at the sink and change in the kitchen so I don't disturb him.

A bit of "give" from both sides, what do you think?

DartsAgain · 07/12/2011 14:55

When I got up at 6am to go to work, I too would go to bed at 10pm. I let DP make his own decision. I'm his partner, not his mum. Sometimes he came up when I did, sometimes not, as he gets up at 7am. Never been a problem.

jasminerice · 07/12/2011 14:57

I'm the opposite, I always go to bed early, to read or listen to the radio. DH stays up later and watches tv. I hate watching tv so I often go upstairs as soon as the tv goes on once kids are in bed. DH says I should spend some time with him watching tv before I go upstairs. I don't want to. I HATE anything and everything on tv and would much rather read.

So, have no idea what the answer is, we had a row about it the other day so I can't help you at all. Sorry.

Thumbinnapuddingwitch · 07/12/2011 14:57

Nah, bollocks to that! My DH goes to bed at 9pm (or before) every night - I rarely go before midnight. He likes to be up by 6am, that's still the middle of the night to me (I'm usually up about 8/8:30)
He is a lark, I am an owl - thankfully for my sanity DS is also an owl so gets up when I do

If he tried to get me to go to bed at the same time as him, I'd end up pissing him off because I'd be reading; I'd be in bed too long and would get a backache/headache (I only need 8h sleep max, DH happily has 9 or 10). He doesn't believe in sex when he goes to bed either - he goes to bed at 9pm because he's tired and wants to sleep and woe betide me if I suggest different! Xmas Grin

Magneto · 07/12/2011 14:58

I'd go straight to controlled crying at this age, pupd might put your back out Wink

cat64 · 07/12/2011 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
scubamummy · 07/12/2011 15:00

No no he's not controlling in any way. Just really odd about this! I completely understand how disabling a lack of sleep is and I am the first to admit that I am irrational when I'm sleep-deprived. Perhaps he is too!.

OP posts:
Rugbylovingmum · 07/12/2011 15:00

My DP can be like that and it led to a couple of big arguments. Like you I really enjoy a bit of time to myself in the evening and don't want to be told that it's bedtime but it is nice to have a cuddle (or more Wink) occasionally at bedtime. Now I try to go to bed a bit earlier on a couple of nights and DP sometimes stays up a bit later - the rest of the time he has learnt that nagging just makes me stubbornly stay up even later Blush. Like Chandon says, a bit of give from both sides makes life a lot easier.

Whatmeworry · 07/12/2011 15:01

I brush my teeth at the sink and change in the kitchen so I don't disturb him. A bit of "give" from both sides, what do you think?

That's our approach too, or at least change and brush teeth earlier so no bumping and crashing around when the up-late partner goes to bed.

Original poster
scubamummy · 07/12/2011 15:02

Yeah I am more than happy to brush teeth beforehand and sneak in etc. But he still complains. It's not about sex, trust me!

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 07/12/2011 15:03

Dh works shifts - he has mastered the art of coming to bed quietly so as not to wake me and vice versa. Sometimes there is something on telly I want to watch and dh doesn't big brother so I go upstairs to watch it.

samandi · 07/12/2011 15:27

YANBU and he's being a twat. Can't get to sleep without you ... is he 5??

You should tell him that you want him to stay up an extra two hours because you're going to bed at 12 at the earliest and want him to be awake when you go to sleep. I wonder how that would go down?

Yorky · 07/12/2011 15:42

We're the opposite, I am pathetic pregnant and am rarely up past 930 atm, last night DH got in form work at 1030 and I didn't even hear him. Even when he isn't working away I often fall asleep before he does

He IBU

DeckTheHugeWithBoughsOfManatee · 07/12/2011 15:53

I can see both sides of this. I often want to go to bed earlier than DP, and am a light sleeper so always wake up if he comes to bed later. But OTOH I hate having to go to bed before I'm ready and just end up lying awake. I can also completely see that you enjoy having a bit of time to yourself in the evening.

What time does your DC wake up? Could you get up with your DH and have your time to yourself in the morning? Or does he get up with DC and leave you to sleep a bit longer? (Presumably if he's getting up for work this isn't the case).

aubergineinautumn · 07/12/2011 15:55

You are contradicting yourself- this IS controlling behaviour.

valiumredhead · 07/12/2011 16:00

It is indeed aubergine

mumofthreekids · 07/12/2011 16:04

Like DeckTheHuge I can see both sides to this. When I was BFing in the night and was sleep deprived I would go to bed earlier that DH. Now we usually go upstairs together and it IS much nicer to chat as we get ready for bed, have a cuddle when we climb in and not to have to worry about disturbing each other later. Also understand him not wanting to wear ear plugs - I hate them personally. However I can also understand that you value your 'me-time' in the evening.

Sorry, that's not much help is it? Could you take it in turns?!

JAMW · 07/12/2011 16:06

I'm in the exact same situation. Dp leaves for work at 7 so is ready to sleep by 10! Whereas i'm so glad DS is asleep I like catching up on facebook etc later at night!
I think seperate bed times is the end to a relationship to be honest! I've compromised by using my laptop in bed!

DartsAgain · 07/12/2011 16:10

I don't think separate bedtimes are the end of a relationship. DP and I have almost reached 25 years with different bedtimes, and my Mum and Dad have recently celebrated their 45th anniversary. Dad's a lark, and mum's an owl.

thefurryone · 07/12/2011 16:14

YANBU my DH can also be a bit like this drives me mad, in fact I nearly started a thread about it earlier

Ciske · 07/12/2011 16:14

Not an issue in our house, but my parents have completely opposite routines: dad stays up late and is a slow starter in the morning. Mum goes to bed early and is up early as well.

They claim it's the secret to a great marriage as they each have some 'personal' time where they're not in each other's way and can do what they like.

Ilovepigs · 07/12/2011 16:17

My dh gets up at 6am for work. He is in bed for 9pm-sometimes earlier every night. I get up at 7ish and will usually go to bed at 11pm.

I will either watch tv quietly beside him or read with the night light or go on mn. I would be happy to do none of those things and go to bed at 9pm too if I thought there was a chance of some action but dh is not interestedSad