AIBU to go to bed when I, not DH, wants?

[scubamummy]

DH gets up at 6am for work each weekday and wants to go to bed by 10pm at the latest (often even at weekends!) so that he can get at least 8 hours sleep. Fine, I have no problem with him doing so. But he tells me that I have to come to bed with him because he can't get to sleep without me(!) or because I wake him up when I get in. He also doesn't want to wear earplugs so that he doesn't get disturbed if I come in later.

I am a SAHM to a very active 10mo dd hence don't get much time to myself. I would like to be able to spend up to an hour each night mumsnetting checking emails and doing admin on my own. This is my downtime, my chance to de-programme from the day - it's either this, or wine, and I don't really want to drink myself to sleep each night!

At the risk of sounding like a stroppy teenager, AIBU to want to go to bed when I want? I haven't been told to go to bed like this since the early 1990s when I was at school!

The H in this thread does not sound sleep deprived...it sounds like he gets shed loads of sleep for a grown man

So I am not sure why sleep deprivation is being blamed for his attempts to tell his wife how to live her life

My H goes to bed at 10-11 every night. I am frequently up until 12-1am.

We both get up at the same time. I simply need less sleep than him

He wouldn't dream of trying to control what I do

OP, I wouldn't be compromising on this

tell him to grow up and sort his "sleep problem" (if that is what it is) out himself, like the mature adult he is meant to be....relying on you so he can sleep sounds childish, pathetic and yes, controlling

I wouldn't compromise on this

We seemed to have survived a 30 year relationship even though we both go to bed at different times

If my Dp insisted I did anything ,the relationship wouldn't have survived

YANBU You must go to sleep when you want, you get precious enough time to do what you want with a 10 month old, if he's finding it hard to get to sleep because of a little background noise then he's not that tired and doesn't need that much sleep.

I'm impressed ANYONE is getting 8 hours sleep regularly with a baby in the house , wouldn't happen in my house but then my children are poor sleepers.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. I've been on the other side with a baby-related sleep deprivation and DH wanting to stay up later and it's really hard being woken up a few hours after you go to sleep, especially if you don't then go back to sleep afterward. However, if you're not tired then it's also going to be frustrating to have to go to bed early (though how can you not to be tired with a 10mo, lol?)

However you are both being unreasonable if you don't find some sort of compromise on this - either by having some nights where you come to bed early and some where you don't. Or if you have a spare room, one of you sleeping in it sometimes. It's also unreasonable of him not to at least try earplugs. It might also be worth trying to see if you can get more time in the day - a 10mo should be napping for a couple of hours at least and tired in the evening by 7pm, so even with chores (which I presume your DH helps with!), you should be getting some time even if you'd like more.

I don't think I have had 8 hours sleep since I first became pregnant 12.5 years ago! (Refer to username) You will probably find as your children get older (pre-teens - teens) you will have even less time to yourself as their bedtimes get later. It would be good to get this issue straightened out now.

Have been reading this post with interest, -but sometimes I feel like i'm the only person in the world who, despite being very happy with my adorable partner, LONGS to be allowed to sleep by myself!

I just don't get the 'can't sleep by himself' thing, - on the rare occasions when my my DP is away for the night, I find it such a luxuriously blissful treat, - the whole bed to myself, lights out when I like it, no need for the fan to be on (my DP apparently can't sleep without background noise, so I have to hear it too.)

He always falls asleep within a few moments (and I'm not exagerating) of closing his eyes, and then, after a further few minutes, begin to snore. Lying awake, listening to the selfish, hoggish slumber of your bedmate for hours and hours, unable to put on the radio or the light in case you wake them up, is a torment. Sometimes I try to slip out of the bed and go to another room, but I want to read myself to sleep, or stick on a book on tape, not creep around the kitchen for half an hour. Plus, if he wakes up and I'm not there, apparently that makes him feel all abandoned and panicky.

Sometimes I feel quite frantic at the idea that I will never have my own bed in my own room again. But suggest that you might want that, and suddenly everyone thinks you'e weird.

We generally go to bed at the same time but also, if one of us isn't up for work the next day one will stay up later.. or if one has been out, we'll just sneak into bed when we get in.. there isn't a rule!

My husband was out last night at the pub, came in at midnight, I was already in bed. Didn't bother me..

I mean, how does he get to sleep when you go out with your mates or something?

tigermoll you are not alone!
yes there is often a negative reaction to the idea of a couple having separate sleeping arrangements. My ex husband seemed to regard separate rooms as a threat to our relationship.
He was like yours, falls asleep at the drop of a hat, he didnt want separate rooms because he wasnt the one who lost out by sleeping together

tigermoll - I don't think you're weird. And if that's what you want, then you should try and have it, IMO. I don't think one person's sleep should be made to suffer for the sake of the other. DH and I both sleep better in separate beds, for many reasons - but because we only have 2 bedrooms, one or other of us has DS in with us. DS goes between us now - for 3.6 years, it was just me he slept with because DH "needed his sleep".
Our relationship would be far more likely to suffer if we had to share a bed all the time again!