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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to go to bed when I, not DH, wants?

109 replies

scubamummy · 07/12/2011 14:40

DH gets up at 6am for work each weekday and wants to go to bed by 10pm at the latest (often even at weekends!) so that he can get at least 8 hours sleep. Fine, I have no problem with him doing so. But he tells me that I have to come to bed with him because he can't get to sleep without me(!) or because I wake him up when I get in. He also doesn't want to wear earplugs so that he doesn't get disturbed if I come in later.

I am a SAHM to a very active 10mo dd hence don't get much time to myself. I would like to be able to spend up to an hour each night mumsnetting checking emails and doing admin on my own. This is my downtime, my chance to de-programme from the day - it's either this, or wine, and I don't really want to drink myself to sleep each night!

At the risk of sounding like a stroppy teenager, AIBU to want to go to bed when I want? I haven't been told to go to bed like this since the early 1990s when I was at school!

OP posts:

JamieComeHome · 07/12/2011 18:20

OP - how is his mood? How is he with your DC? Does he share childcare at the weekend? Do you get time to yourself at the weekend? Is he irritable? Does he enjoy his work?

TheFirstNoelChinchilla · 07/12/2011 18:23

This is a really tricky one, and like a few I'm in the position of the OP's DH.

I have a very demanding job and am the main wage earner. I need eight hours' sleep a night to be able to function. I also need to get up an hour earlier than my OH.

He would stay up til midnight (and far, far beyond at weekends!) whereas I need to be asleep by 11. On weekday nights, I do insist on a 11pm lights out, as my view is that my need for sleep, to be able to work, trumps his desire to stay up and play on the computer.

Our compromise is that at weekends, he stays up as long as he likes, and I often will stay up later, and also that if he wants to stay up late in the week he can, but he has to come to bed at least 1.5 hours after me so I'm properly asleep and won't be disturbed.

It's really difficult OP, and I think sleep is up there with money and children actually in the list of stuff that can be a deal breaker, it's just not often recognised as such! Compromise is the only way.

fotheringhay · 07/12/2011 18:27

Thanks Witchofthenorth, it's going really well. Now if only ds would sleep through!

I'm recommending it to everyone with any anxiety-related problem

JamieComeHome · 07/12/2011 18:35

sorry to sound arsey, but I get a bit annoyed that men are accused of being controlling and like sulky teenagers, whereas women have "proper" emotions and anxiety disorders. The truth is, of course somewhere in between.

If my nice reasonable DH had become insistent and obsessed about something, especially if this was something new, I'd be wanting to ask why

I will, of course, retract my argument if it turns out OPs DH is indeed a git.

TattyDevine · 07/12/2011 18:47

This sounds silly but whilst I don't always go to bed at the same time as DH (though I normally do because he does hours like your DH and I do the wine option!) when I don't, for whatever reason, I don't just go "g'night" and let him go up, I come up with him, do my face and teeth routine (!), check the kids, do "kitty cuddles" (I know, I know, we have a furry cat we love) and then I "tuck him in" (I don't call it that to him but that's essentially what I'm doing - I kiss him goodnight and turn the light out then go back downstairs.

I use my iPhone as a torch, and slip into bed beside him when I'm ready for bed. I have everything I need like a drink and an eyemask and earplugs (because he is then up early) and I don't disturb him and he doesn't disturb me.

I'd be hacked if he "made" me go to bed at the same time as him and he'd be hacked if I "made" him stay up.

Compromise of marriage! But doing your nightly routine (whatever that is!) before you go back downstairs might soften the blow - after all, it has to be done eventually. It might be all it takes.

JamieComeHome · 07/12/2011 18:49

Aaaw Tatty, that's lovely

Malificence · 07/12/2011 18:54

I'm like your DH, I hate going to bed alone ( unless I'm ill) , when I had to be up early and DH was on noons, I would go to bed before him but if I woke up and he wasn't there ( quite rare) I would be furious , really, irrationally upset.
When you love someone, you compromise for the person who has to be up the earliest imo, now DH is up at 6am every day, I always go to bed when he's ready, it's only fair.

lifechanger · 07/12/2011 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tentative123 · 07/12/2011 19:00

We've compromised on this and we are currently happy with the arrangement. He used to got to bed more like 11.30 and I used to be lights out by 10.30 latest. We always go together and turn them out at 11ish most nights. The only problem is when I really need to go early - I cant sleep without him. I lie in the dark and doze sometimes but I cant really sleep. Its annoying and a bit worrying tbh. To be clear, I can sleep the night away (like when visiting friends or for work) but just not well when I know he's coming. Cant relax until everyone is where they should be - guess I am ready to be a mum then!

I dont think the DH is being controlling here, i think it is about compromise and I think scubas idea of some nights on and some off is a good way to go about it. its not about totally giving up sovereignty, its about being a team. IMO anyway.

Malificence · 07/12/2011 19:04

That actually sounds quite lovely lifechanger, it obviously works for you, but if one party is unhappy with the arangement then it is a problem - if he can't sleep properly alone, then he isn't getting good quality/enough sleep.

When DH used to work nights or was away, I was like a walking zombie and had to take kalmsleep etc.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 07/12/2011 19:43

So, Malificence, the OP has to give up the only down time she has to herself all day, in order to lie in the dark - every night - next to her unconscious DH?

Witchofthenorth · 07/12/2011 19:51

When you love someone, you compromise for the person who has to be up the earliest imo, now DH is up at 6am every day, I always go to bed when he's ready, it's only fair.

I love my husband. He gets up at 430am. He goes to bed at 9pm. I only go to bed at the same time as him if we are getting a bit frisky or if I am tired enough. (at 37 weeks pregnant that is quite often just now!) he also can sleep better if I am in bed with him. I do not compromise just because he gets up earlier. I go to bed when I want to and not before. DH has to deal with it I am afraid. He wouldn't dream of asking/telling me to go to bed at the same time as him to make him feel better.

I still think it is unreasonable for OPs husband to demand that she go to bed at the same time as he does.

UnexpectedOrange · 07/12/2011 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hardgoing · 07/12/2011 20:10

My suggestions are: separate duvets on a double bed (so covers don't get pulled, less disturbance), separate beds a couple of nights a week (so he has at least two nights he know he won't be disturbed) and a couple of nights you snuggle up at his preferred time (so you get some night-time activities, unless you have already taken care of that earlier in the evening!) I'm guessing it is about intimacy, otherwise why would he not just wear earplugs and snore away.

I wouldn't ask his permission, though, I would tell him you hear his side, but have your own needs.

I sometimes go to bed with husband at the early time, chat (ahem) and then stay in bed and read til midnight. But this requires flexibility on his part and to be a less sensitive sleeper.

Heifer · 07/12/2011 20:56

must admit it's a bug bear of my husbands. I go to bed much later than he does and it does disturb him. He gets annoyed (mildy but as he is usually so laid back, it must annoy him).

I hate the feeling that I have to go up now as it's getting late etc, but I do think that compromise is needed at times, other times I stay up as late as I like and go into the spare room.

The daft thing is that I need to go to bed at the same time really, I don't get enough sleep, it would be better if I got more, but I like staying up on my own...

BustersOfDoom · 07/12/2011 21:15

DP and I rarely go to bed at the same time. I'm an owl and he's a lark who is often out of the door by 6am. I normally crawl out of bed at about 8am on a workday - or later if I can get away with it!

But that isn't the only reason. I like to give him a head start at getting to sleep because I snore like you wouldn't believe. I've even had DS come in to shake me to turn over as I'd woken him up from the next room! But I am a very skilled snorer - I can do it on my front, back and side!

But seriously OP I would be very pissed off at being pressured to go to bed when I didn't want to and would simply refuse for all the reasons others have posted. Tell him that you've decided he should stay up until you are tired. Or a simple fuck off should suffice. Is he scared of the dark or something?

33goingon64 · 07/12/2011 21:38

DH gets up at 5 at the moment and insists on being in bed at 10pm at the latest. He doesn't insist I be in bed then too (I would naturally go up more like 11pm) but if I do go up with him it's lights out, no reading, no talking, no cuddling, just sleep. I have often lain there wide awake wishing I was still downstairs... Now I do go up later than him and slip in quietly. Problem is, I LOVE bedtime when it's on my terms, I.e. Listen to radio 4 whilst getting in pjs, read in bed for half an hour or so, get cosy and comfy, then turn lights out when ready to sleep. DH literally walks into bedroom, takes clothes off (drops them on floor ) gets into bed, turns light off, goes to sleep. Snores. It's the main thing I miss about being single.

lovesadirtylie · 07/12/2011 21:46

one of the things I love most about living on my own is never ever having my sleep disturbed

When I co habited I always slept on a different shift to the other person, when I lived with an owl I became a lark, when I lived with a lark I became an owl

letmehelp · 07/12/2011 22:01

My mum has always insisted on going to bed at the same time and getting up at the same time as Dad. Even when he was working shifts, she would always get up to see him off / have a cuppa with him when he got in.

I thought she was mad when I was younger, but with the benefit of hindsight and a 20 year marriage of my own, I do think regularly going to bed at the same time is very good for a relationship and conversely, prolonged periods of one partner being asleep when the other goes to bed will create distance.

fuzzynavel · 07/12/2011 22:07

Op, he can't sleep if you don't go with him???? Even at weekends?

I need to go to sleep at 10 so you HAVE to come with me?

His reason is you distrurb the bed and he can't wear earplugs?

= control

Tell him to grow the hell up or get separate beds so his doesn't MOVE

fuzzynavel · 07/12/2011 22:11

disburb... note to self reread before sending!

ouryve · 07/12/2011 22:13

YANBU. DH is an early bird, I'm a night owl. We only go to bed at the same time about half the time. DH gets up when the kids wake up at silly o'clock :o

pictish · 07/12/2011 22:15

YANBU - and he can seriously cock off!

fuzzynavel · 07/12/2011 22:19

Not wanting to offend but feel there are a number of stepford wives on this thread.

MrsHarryPearce · 07/12/2011 22:20

YANBU - slightly wierd that a grown adult can't be allowed to decide when they go to bed or that husband can't get to sleep on his own - bit control freaky. You are entitled to choose your own bedtime and enjoy your precious evening downtime.

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