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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to go to bed when I, not DH, wants?

109 replies

scubamummy · 07/12/2011 14:40

DH gets up at 6am for work each weekday and wants to go to bed by 10pm at the latest (often even at weekends!) so that he can get at least 8 hours sleep. Fine, I have no problem with him doing so. But he tells me that I have to come to bed with him because he can't get to sleep without me(!) or because I wake him up when I get in. He also doesn't want to wear earplugs so that he doesn't get disturbed if I come in later.

I am a SAHM to a very active 10mo dd hence don't get much time to myself. I would like to be able to spend up to an hour each night mumsnetting checking emails and doing admin on my own. This is my downtime, my chance to de-programme from the day - it's either this, or wine, and I don't really want to drink myself to sleep each night!

At the risk of sounding like a stroppy teenager, AIBU to want to go to bed when I want? I haven't been told to go to bed like this since the early 1990s when I was at school!

OP posts:

JamieComeHome · 07/12/2011 22:21

I think you need to talk to him about this OP.

lovesadirtylie · 07/12/2011 22:24

synchronised bedtimes might suit some couples who like to be very 'enmeshed' I'd find it suffocating.
horses for courses

yellowraincoat · 07/12/2011 22:30

Would be a very different situation if you were going to bed together to have sex, cuddle, chill for a while. But not just so he can zonk out next to you. That's just pointless.

If there's any negotiating, it should be the other way round, that you go to bed at the same time a couple of night a month, rather than you staying up a couple of nights.

Also, going to bed at 10 on a Saturday? You sound really fed up with that!

SuziQuattro · 07/12/2011 22:31

Not wishing to offend fuzzy, but there are some seriously misguided women who see every man and everything he may do as controlling if he dare voice an opinion. A quick look at the relationship board where you usually reside proves that to be the case. My DH prefers (yes, he has a voice too, is that OK?) us to go to bed together, sometimes it's possible, other times not, but it is in no way controlling as nobody, man or woman controls either of us.

There have been various case studies done on this very subject. It wasn't recognized as controlling behaviour, but statistically it was shown that couples who go to bed at the same time were more likely to have happier, longer relationships as opposed to those who didn't. One reason was that less 'them' time leads to less intimacy, fairly obvious really, but it was also shown that even if both spent time reading prior to sleeping or whatever it was still shown to be beneficial because it was classed as good bonding time. This even featured on a National radio station phone in recently I believe.

Maybe Google can help out here and shed more light.

Obviously busy working lives, especially shift working, children + other factors can put paid to the idea, but as already pointed out it all comes down to compromise which as we know is the premis of a good relationship.

The general view was that going at the same time (where possible) improves and enhances the relationship.

letmehelp · 07/12/2011 22:38

But that's the point yellow, if you go to bed together you do have sex, cuddle chat. Maybe not everyday, but a lot more than if you don't go to bed together.

fuzzynavel · 07/12/2011 22:41

SuziQ the OP is asked/made to go to bed at 10 EVERY night when she clearly doesn't want to hence her post. I couldn't give a toss what statistics say.

He also seems never to want to take her out.

RIGHT, bed at 10, it might be a saturday night but you're coming with me because "I" can't sleep without you.

who wrote this "general" view?

fuzzynavel · 07/12/2011 22:44

The relationship board where I usually reside SuziQ is where people generally come with what seems like a minor problem, ask a few more questions the pandora's box opens.

Whether it be a major control issue or a small one, it STILL needs to be stamped on.

fuzzynavel · 07/12/2011 22:55

Oh and the OP stated (this was my interpretation anyway) she had to drink wine every night in order to go to bed when HE wants....

Hmmmmm

JamieComeHome · 07/12/2011 22:56

fuzzy - I agree, but sometimes the major issue is not that the man is a git. I would really like to hear what the OP has to say, because what I'm assuming at this point is that the relationship has sort of drifted, the DH is feeling rejected, OP is feeling trapped, (young baby), and they need to get to the bottom of this insistence on the same early bedtime, so they can both get their needs met.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 07/12/2011 22:56

fuzzy, don't worry, you're making perfect sense to me!! And I rarely go into the relationships forum.

There is no compromise at all in the OP's current set up; just her going along with her DH's wishes, which is Stepford-like.

What isn't Stepford-like is doing something which suits you both, which is surely what anyone sensible is suggesting.

Suzi, your stats may tell you all sorts, but clearly there are vast swathes of functioning, healthy, happy, satisfied couples out there with different bed times who also manage intimate relationships. I know, I'm one of them. And there are plenty of others on this very thread.

SuziQuattro · 07/12/2011 22:57

Google it fuzzy as I suggested. You may actually learn something or does your knowledge solely come from the sometimes convoluted confines of MN?

Your reference inferring many women here following like sheep and 'do as they're told' ala Stepford Wives is quite offensive to women in general and seems like just another excuse for you to knock!

Th OP and DP clearly have issues to be resolved as nobody should be made to go to bed, but the the DP also has a right to go to bed and not be disturbed. COMPROMISE, it works!

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 07/12/2011 23:01

TBH am a little bit shocked that there are posters on here actually suggesting that the OP is BU and to just do what her OP wants...

JamieComeHome · 07/12/2011 23:02

I'm not suggesting that. I think some people have tried to suggest his side of it. But really, they need to talk about it

fuzzynavel · 07/12/2011 23:08

You may actually learn something or does your knowledge solely come from the sometimes convoluted confines of MN?

With respect SuziQ you seem somewhat cross.

If you find your relationship very satisfying why not laugh at us supposed manhaters?

Yes, the DP has a right to go to bed and not be disturbed, if he's asleep then I can't for the life of me think that her getting under the sheets quietly is going to stop this.

fuzzynavel · 07/12/2011 23:13

If he's telling her that he NEEDS her to go to be at the same time otherwise he can't go to sleep then HE is the one with the problem and that smacks of control.

fuzzynavel · 07/12/2011 23:13

*bed

SuziQuattro · 07/12/2011 23:14

Fuzzy I have a good satisfying relationship, by no means perfect but I'm not laughing nor calling you a man hater, but MN does air some somewhat extreme views of mankind and obviously has a seriously biased tilt. That's the nature of the beast on a predominantly female forum. I just prefer to look at things in a more balanced light. Faults are usually found on both sides.

JollyJinglyJoo · 07/12/2011 23:19

This is exactly like DH and me! I am a night owl, always have been, and am happy with 5 hrs sleep. DH gets up at 6am, loves his bed. He usually goes to bed at 10pm, I more often go at 1am. He does sometimes murmur about "herd of buffaloes" when I sneak in quietly, but he accepts it.

the sex thing does come up, though. So sometimes I go up while he is still awake for a quick shag, then get up again In fact, I have seen a "ring for a fuck" bell which I am thinking of getting him for Christmas, so we can be a whole lot less subtle about it!!

fuzzynavel · 07/12/2011 23:21

I said this Suzi when I first came on MN. I have learned over time that posters who generally come to the relationship boards do have rather major issues. They know after "lurking" (and I was one) what will be said.

If you think I'm over the top then as I said, shrug, think I'm a biased nutter and move on.

But, if something I have said sets a "lightbulb" off in some unhappy womans head and she goes on to realise what is happening and gets free from a controlling situation I am so glad for her.

LyssaM · 07/12/2011 23:23

I have a problem going to sleep if DH is not in.

I have a problem if he gets up in the night.

I am the SAHM and automatically take on most of the night shifts (willingly - he always gives me at least one lie in at a weekend and he has a stressful job) so my sleep is regularly disturbed/curtailed.

You know, that is MY problem, and I consider it something that is MY concern and up to ME to deal with it as DH is very considerate. It is not up to DH to suit his sleep with mine. Or actually vice versa.

OP - I suggest that you do what we have done and get the house sorted out for mainly sleeping apart. Our sofa is actually better for my back than the bed, and if I am on the night shift that is where I sleep (and sometimes wish I could have a lie in on it as well). We both have issues with sleep, but neither of us consider it the duty of the other to sort things out beyond being considerate.

Sleep is really precious, you don't mess with another person's sleep patterns without really, really good reason.

redexpat · 07/12/2011 23:28

According to this thread I am controlling. I have trouble falling asleep if DH isn't with me. I think it's just that I've got used to him being there and the change affects me.

fuzzynavel · 07/12/2011 23:36

Redex, have you read the the OPs concerns properly? Is your DH frustrated or unhappy with your with your arrangement? Does your DH have to drink wine every night to go to bed when you want him to? Do you want your DH to go to bed every night at 10, even on most weekends?

fuzzynavel · 07/12/2011 23:37

with your, with your? I'm getting tired now.

UnexpectedOrange · 07/12/2011 23:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Witchofthenorth · 08/12/2011 07:25

I still do not understand why the OP must compromise on this....it's ridiculous. In my view, which according to the majority on here is very skewed, compromise is needed when there are factors in a situation that both parties like and dislike, the compromise comes in to make the situation mutually agreeable. In the OPs situation it is ALL dislike on her part and you must on his. I am afraid the words fuck and off would coming out of my mouth if DH tried to pull that stunt. But I am very uncouth :)

As I have stated previously up thread, I have a very happy relationship, my husband and I love each other very much, satisfactory sex life for both of us and guess what? He gets to bed at 9 and I am generally nearer 11. This has been our bed times for the past 10 years, but I am not having a happy and long relationship

If the same bed time works for others then fine...it's your life but I bet your husbands didn't tell you, you had to bed at the same time?

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