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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to go to bed when I, not DH, wants?

109 replies

scubamummy · 07/12/2011 14:40

DH gets up at 6am for work each weekday and wants to go to bed by 10pm at the latest (often even at weekends!) so that he can get at least 8 hours sleep. Fine, I have no problem with him doing so. But he tells me that I have to come to bed with him because he can't get to sleep without me(!) or because I wake him up when I get in. He also doesn't want to wear earplugs so that he doesn't get disturbed if I come in later.

I am a SAHM to a very active 10mo dd hence don't get much time to myself. I would like to be able to spend up to an hour each night mumsnetting checking emails and doing admin on my own. This is my downtime, my chance to de-programme from the day - it's either this, or wine, and I don't really want to drink myself to sleep each night!

At the risk of sounding like a stroppy teenager, AIBU to want to go to bed when I want? I haven't been told to go to bed like this since the early 1990s when I was at school!

OP posts:
loveisagirlnameddaisy · 07/12/2011 16:19

As a few other posters have said, my partner gets a second wind and likes to stay up till at least 11pm/midnight whereas I generally need to be in bed by 10pm latest (preggers at mo, so more like 8pm!).

He sometimes moans that I go to bed too early and I sometimes moan back at him but it's not a real issue and we both understand we are free to do what works for us.

What does he do at weekends? Does he make the effort to stay up later with you?

valiumredhead · 07/12/2011 16:22

I think seperate bed times is the end to a relationship to be honest! Amazingly dh and have managed to remain together for 21 years!

BourbonSprouts · 07/12/2011 16:23

I suppose it's just about compromise. You could agree on maybe 2 nights a week where you both go to bed together no matter what.
I go to bed later than DH most nights but I will go up earlier with him on occasion because he likes to.

cory · 07/12/2011 16:25

My parents have clocked up well over 50 happy years on separate bedtimes. The alternative would be one partner always feeling unwell or uncomfortable because they either had to get up too early or stay up too late. I think something like this will be an end to a relationship if either part lets it.

Witchofthenorth · 07/12/2011 16:54

Since when was separate bed times an end to a relationship? Seperate bed times have served me and DH well for the past 10years!

I seem to be one of the few (only one) who thinks that compromising with OP "I can't get to sleep without you" husband sounds ridiculous, how old is he ffs? And to be honest, it is controlling behaviour, going in the cream puff because she won't go to bed at 10!

OP has already stated that it has nothing to do with sex, I get the light sleeper bit but she is happy to get ready for bed elsewhere as not to disturb. I do not see why she has to compromise, and in my opinion she shouldn't have to.

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers · 07/12/2011 16:59

One of the things I relish most about my recent separation from dh is my choice about bedtime and what I do in bed (!) (Reading, mostly...) He nearly always wanted to go early and it caused no end of arguments, grumping and sulking. Now I am on my own I often go up about 10 and read til I feel sleepy...bliss. It's really hard to say what you should do, as the issue can be a marriage-breaker I think.

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers · 07/12/2011 17:01

Re: the light sleeper argument, I bet there are loads of times you know you haven't woken him, but he is only aware of the times you have woken him, obviously! That didn't wash with my dh - it used to really annoy me!

jasminerice · 07/12/2011 17:25

LieIns, oh you are making me so jealous! I am stubbornly refusing to stay and watch tv with DH and have told him he can get into bed early if he wants to spend time together. But now it's an 'issue' I do feel a tiny bit bad about going up early when he only really wants me to stay down for half an hour.

What really got my back up was when he tried to make out I was neglecting him by going to bed early and if I cared about him then I would want to do it etc.

God, maybe seperating is the answer. I really really do not want to compromise on this issue. I LOVE getting into bed early and reading, and I just HATE mindlessly watching tv. Why should I have to watch tv if s don't want to?

Sorry. Am hijacking your thread, it's just that we argued about this very thing on monday so it's at the forefront with me.

Original poster
scubamummy · 07/12/2011 17:36

He's really reluctant to go out or do anything in the evenings/weekends as he says he's too tired so we usually end up going to bed around 10 at weekends too :( X factor then get ready for bed!

It is annoying and I haven't been falling over myself to compromise as I have felt a bit like a stroppy teenager about it! Which hasn't helped. I know that he sounds controlling but I think it's just coming from a place of sleep-deprived irrationality (is that a word?) rather than being controlling, he really is the loveliest, kindest, most thoughtful man usually.

Thank you for your responses, I think I'm going to try to negotiate a couple of nights per week where I can stay up later (please can I stay up late tonight, dad?!) and will aim for 9.30 the other nights. Might try and get a weekday date night in per month too - we've only had 3 nights out together in the last 10 months!

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 07/12/2011 17:38

Scuba - just read back your last paragraph.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 07/12/2011 17:39

YANBU, he sounds controlling.

Original poster
scubamummy · 07/12/2011 17:41

Yeah...but compromise is the key, no? He has done things I've asked him to do numerous times! And will again in the future I've no doubt.

OP posts:
JamieComeHome · 07/12/2011 17:42

I presume this isn't just about sleep though. I wonder if what he's saying is that he wants more intimacy - I don't just mean sex, although that may be part of it.

I can see both "sides" (although sides isn't the right word). It is easy to slip into having separate lives, especially if you are both watching TV or on the computer. At the same time, as SAHMs you really value time to yourself.

Do you eat together at the table? Talk? Go out alone?
If not, maybe it's about this

MrsCampbellBlack · 07/12/2011 17:43

There's compromise and giving in to unreasonable behaviour - I know which I think it is.

Good luck.

JamieComeHome · 07/12/2011 17:43

Xpost - sound like you need to get out more and spend more time alone. In the early bit of parenting it's easy to get estranged and take each other for granted

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 07/12/2011 17:47

Scuba - seriously..? Read back your last para. You don't ask him; you tell him. It isn't up to him to give you permission on this.

Original poster
scubamummy · 07/12/2011 17:50

I was joking with the 'please can I stay up, dad' comment, sorry if it did not come across that way!

OP posts:
fotheringhay · 07/12/2011 17:54

I have your DH's problem - I can't fall asleep if I know he's coming to bed later and the bed will move (sounds mental put like that), or if I do sleep, and I'm woken by him, I can be awake for hours.

I'm currently sleeping on the sofa (no spare bed) and having hypnotherapy for it!

valiumredhead · 07/12/2011 17:54

Even without the jokey 'can I stay up late Dad?' comment - read your last paragraph back to yourself OP!!

Witchofthenorth · 07/12/2011 18:01

Scuba.....I am all for compromising in a marriage...where appropriate. I do not think this is appropriate. You do not negotiate your bed time with your partner/husband. You are an adult woman who is more than capable of deciding when YOU want to go to bed. If it was for a bit of a cuddle or some nookie, then fair enough, I had to do that "compromise" with DH, but it's not. He has told you he can not sleep unless you are there and that IMHO sounds like a sulky child talking and not an adult man.

IMVHO, this is controlling behaviour regardless of whether or not he is lovely the rest of the time. Please re read your last post...and look at it as if you are giving advice and not asking for it...what would you think?

fotheringhay · 07/12/2011 18:04

Without knowing the DH in question, I would suggest this really might not be controlling, or maybe controlling by default. I've often begged my DH to come to bed because I've been lying there for hours wide awake, knowing I'll be disturbed when he gets in.

In my case it's anxiety/over-alertness which started when ds was born - perhaps the op's DH might explore this possibility?

(I feel slightly protective of him, being in the same boat)

fotheringhay · 07/12/2011 18:07

Please don't think this is necessarily the action of a "sulky child", I swear I wish it could be different, I've apologised profusely to dh, and and now paying a fortune to try to change it.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 07/12/2011 18:10

I'm not talking about the jokey comment when I say 'read back your last paragraph'.

He's demanding that you go to bed early every night - too early for you - to basically just lie there in the darkness while he's unconscious, or, if you're lucky, falls asleep and be unconscious also. Every night.

And you're going to see if you can negotiate a couple of 'late' nights...? Crazy.

I'm not underplaying this. We have the opposite problem - I like my bed early and DH would prefer me to stay up later than him, but no way would he insist on me going to be at the same time as him every night. :(

Oh, and 3 nights out together in 10 years?? We're currently in a situation, recently emigrated, no babysitters close by and have had somethng like that in the last 7 months and I am stir-crazy. We both are!!

This doesn't sound all that right. There's compromise and then there's you just going along with his way all the time.

Witchofthenorth · 07/12/2011 18:12

Fotheringhay, if there is a genuine reason for this then I will happily retract what I have said, however, OP hasn't told m anything yet to make me think otherwise.

As an aside...good luck with the hypnotherapy :o

JamieComeHome · 07/12/2011 18:16

OP hasn't said much yet, but assumptions have already been made ...