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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this doesn't make me a 'lazy fucking bitch'

119 replies

ohlookanamechange · 05/12/2011 21:27

Background: DH works very long hours. He is in a career he chose, and persued, with my support. Pay is ok, but not massive. When we we first together and with one DC, I worked full time. Then I went part time (joint decision). Since births of DC2 & 3, I have not worked. All DCs are now at school and I am looking for work to fit in around school hours, which isn't easy to find.

Neither DH or I want me to work full time as we do not want to put the DC into childcare (personal choice and not a judgement of others - we used day nursery for DC1).

Due to DH's hours, I cannot work evenings as he often would not be home, ditto weekends. We have no family to help with childcare.

DH's wage supports us ok, but there isn't exactly much spare cash.

So today, DH has just exploded at me and called me a 'lazy fucking bitch'. He then stormed off and I confronted him, as the reason he called me that was utterly ridiculous and a real non-issue. He has shouted that I should work the same hours that he does, and if he doesn't get home until 12am, then I should stay up and do housework until then.

He has moaned that I should not sit down in the evenings whilst there is any outstanding housework, such as any washing or ironing. He has moaned that the oven isn't cleaned often enough and also that there are Xmas presents left to wrap Xmas Confused - it's still a few weeks away and I have done ALL the mas shopping for everyone, except my own presents (which are yet to be bought).

After that, I lost my rag, told him to fuck off and threw some clothes at himXmas Blush. He has driven off in his work van. He isn't meant to be into work until late tomorrow but I don't think I will see him now until probably weds morning when he returns from tomorrow's work. The way I am feeling right now, is that it is over. He has hinted at these feelings before, but when i've questioned him about it, e says he is joking. Tonight has proved he isn't. He honestly believes I am lazy and has said I am crap at what I do - being a housewife.

So AIBU? Should I be putting in the hours he is? Often he leaves as 5.30am and returns at 12am. This is mostly overtime and a lot by choice, but we could do with the money. It is due to his career that I am so restricted by hours, and he knows I have applied for all the local part time term time jobs, with not much luck. I tend to sit down once the DCs are in bed and lunches are made, yet he believes I should carry on until EVERYTHING is done. The house is clean and tidy, but there is a basket of irnong and there was a chopping board not washed up, which had just had bread on it, which both of us would usually leave until morning.

I should add that this would have not been helped by the fact he has been giving up smoking for about 6 weeks, but it seems to be what he really thinks Sad

Apologies this is so long.

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 05/12/2011 21:30

YADNBU.

Is he usually this aggressive and abusive?

dancingmustard · 05/12/2011 21:31

You're job is hard enough without being ranted at like that.
Caring for children is a challenge for anyone.
Do you do all the "Out of hours" caring does he take that into account?
By that I mean does he ever look after the little ones at night time/weekends etc?

Flisspaps · 05/12/2011 21:32

YANBU. I don't think he is joking :(

whomovedmychocolate · 05/12/2011 21:32

Ah you poor bugger, it's hard when you are blamed because someone else is feeling crappy.

I'm not going to defend him (or you), I would just say he's a grumpy swine and move on. Giving up smoking is a toughie. It does make you feel shitty. Maybe he's had a lapse and he feels bad about that?

I'm sure you are not lazy. :)

Ripeberry · 05/12/2011 21:32

He is an A class prat. And he sounds depressed about his life Sad

Hassledge · 05/12/2011 21:34

Well you already know he was wrong. And he's obviously been carrying a bucketload of resentment around for some time. But he must be absolutely and completely knackered - that sounds like an insane amount of hours to work. Possibly he's transferring his anger about the situation he's in onto anger at you for having an "easier" life?

You need to decide whether this is the exhaustion making him irrational (and work out a plan to curb the hours and keep your heads above water) or whether he's just an unreasonable wanker.

baubleybobbityhat · 05/12/2011 21:34

Yanbu but you need to point this out to him, not us on Mumsnet. I doubt very much anyone is going to say yabu.

He is working ridiculous hours. Absolutely ridiculous, and why should you match him hour for hour doing nothing but unpaid housework?

Of course he is BU.

Kayano · 05/12/2011 21:34

Leaves at 5.30am and gets in at 12am?!

What the hell
He may just be exhausted and not thinking. He can NOT be getting enough sleep with those hours!!!!

5.30am til 12am?!?! For real?!

PointyLittleDonkeyEars · 05/12/2011 21:35

This sets my alarm bells ringing - giving up smoking is tough, but the way he has spoken to you is completely inexcusable. He needs to learn this, and fast.

KittyAnne · 05/12/2011 21:36

Name calling like that is not on. YANBU.
If he does it a lot you really ought to think things over.

However, giving up fags can make people turn into utter cunts very mean and nasty, so if he isn't verbally abusive on a regular basis, I would let him calm down and stick a nicotine patch on his arse when he's sleeping.

chinam · 05/12/2011 21:36

YADNBU, I would be heartbroken if my DH spoke to me like that.

baskingseals · 05/12/2011 21:37

YANBU

stand up for yourself. don't let him guilt trip you. you both work very hard, ideally there should be mutal respect. you are definitely not crap. housework and childcare is so important and yet so undervalued.

a sahm friend of mine and her dh went to get life insurance. he works full-time. her life is valued at more than his, if you want to look at it in monetary terms.

hope you are feeling ok. i am having a pretty shit time with dh so i do sympathize, just stick to what to know is right.

SantaDesperatelySeeksSedatives · 05/12/2011 21:37

YANBU at all but feel a bit sorry for your DH he must be exhausted working those hours.

maighdlin · 05/12/2011 21:37

i cant say anything but tell him to fuck the fuck off!! i can't even imagine how fucking angry i would be in your situation.

missstripeysocks · 05/12/2011 21:37

Thats so out of order to vent his frustrations out on you...does not sound like he appreciates what you do which is such a hard job as well..sounds as if he is feeling resentful for working so long and is just taking it out on you..but at the end of the day you do not deserve to be spoken to like that ..if this happens on a regular basis I would rethink your relationship ..if its a one off then I would try and think of some agreement where he could have some time to himself and the same for yourself to ease the load x

Original poster
ohlookanamechange · 05/12/2011 21:37

No I don't think he is joking either. He was absolutley raging, like he had bottled it up for ages, which actually makes me feel worse as he really means it and isn't saying it to be nasty.

Compared to him, I AM lazy. But he cannot sit still, at all, ever. He works ridiculous hours, always has done. Where as I get up 2 hours after him. Get the kids off to school. Clean, cook, do the washing. Take the DCs to clubs etc. But, when I feel like it, I sit and take a break, and in the evenings, I chill out. He said to me 'chill out from what?'.

He clearly thinks I do nothing. And yes it's always me on duty when someone is ill / has nightmares / wets the bed. It's always been me when DC have been in hospital for conditions (now under control it seems, but the reason I didn't work when they were tiny).

He will not apologise. I know this from experience. He will try and wait for me to apologise, or pretend it didn't happen and ignore it.

OP posts:
pictish · 05/12/2011 21:38

He sounds strung out, but that is no excuse for the way he spoke to you...none at all.

I am guessing he will come around and apologise. Thing is, an apology isn't good enough.
You need to understand that this level of verbal abuse is not on. There is no reason for him to attack you that way. If this is a regular thing, I urge you to think deeply about whether you can live with being treated like that.
It doesn't have to be frequent either by the way....if he has done this before, he will do it again, and it's never ok. xxx

Original poster
ohlookanamechange · 05/12/2011 21:39

The hours are insane. It's not every day that he does those hours, but it's not unusual. I tell him it's insane. But he will not leave anything until the next day. He expects me to be the same. At this moment, I couldn't give a shit if he never came back!

OP posts:
maybenow · 05/12/2011 21:42

what on earth is he doing working those hours??? of course ANYBODY would appear to be lazy in comparison but i think it's your DH that has his work life balance all out of kilter.

seriously, have you not talked about his working hours before? does he think the hours he works are normal? when does he spend time with his own children?

Original poster
ohlookanamechange · 05/12/2011 21:42

Before he stormed off, I told him I will not accept him speaking to me like that and if that is the way he feels, then fuck off. I then went upstairs and heard him drive off.

He has tried to give up smoking a few times, and each time he has been an arse. But he has also been an arse at other times when he has been smoking. I am so cross, I am beyond upset.

Problem is, I am unable to support myself and the DC as I have no bloody job, due to me spending the last 10 years supporting his career choice. Which includes learning a fair amount of it myself to be able to test him for exams etc.

OP posts:
Bohica · 05/12/2011 21:44

He is up and working a 19 hour day? How many days a week is he only having 4 hours sleep?

He is wrong in what he said and how he said it but that's a fucking long day to be working and giving up smoking made me murderous.

I'm interested to know what he does for a living.

YANBU but I do think there is more to this than first told.

dancingmustard · 05/12/2011 21:44

Is it still legal to be able to work those hours?

Original poster
ohlookanamechange · 05/12/2011 21:45

Yes we have spoken about it a lot. The overtime is very well paid and he will not turn it down. He seeks out the overtime, putting work together to enable him to get overtime. He has been known not to come home, as the journey home would not make it worthwhile.

Sometimes, the children don't see him during the week, sometimes I don't even know if he has been home or not. I have told him I would rather we were ina cardboard box than him having a heart attack at 40 due to the stupid hours.

But I think in some insane way the hours make him happy. He's a grumpy bastard at weekends, especially if we have nothing to do.

OP posts:
Kayano · 05/12/2011 21:46

The hours make him happy? Hmm

Really op? No offence but he sounds
Resentful as fuck Confused

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 05/12/2011 21:47

You are not lazy, just because he is choosing to work such ridiculous hours that isn't your fault and it's not a competition to see who can be the biggest martyr!

If you were to cost out all of the things you do, it would be a huge amount of money - would he value what you do more highly then? Allow you the opportunity to "chill out". Has he ever looked after your 3 children on his own for a few days and maintained the house and the chores at the same time?

Tell him you deserve an apology. Do not apologise to him or just ignore it or you're telling him that this is acceptable.