To think this doesn't make me a 'lazy fucking bitch'

[ohlookanamechange]

Background: DH works very long hours. He is in a career he chose, and persued, with my support. Pay is ok, but not massive. When we we first together and with one DC, I worked full time. Then I went part time (joint decision). Since births of DC2 & 3, I have not worked. All DCs are now at school and I am looking for work to fit in around school hours, which isn't easy to find.

Neither DH or I want me to work full time as we do not want to put the DC into childcare (personal choice and not a judgement of others - we used day nursery for DC1).

Due to DH's hours, I cannot work evenings as he often would not be home, ditto weekends. We have no family to help with childcare.

DH's wage supports us ok, but there isn't exactly much spare cash.

So today, DH has just exploded at me and called me a 'lazy fucking bitch'. He then stormed off and I confronted him, as the reason he called me that was utterly ridiculous and a real non-issue. He has shouted that I should work the same hours that he does, and if he doesn't get home until 12am, then I should stay up and do housework until then.

He has moaned that I should not sit down in the evenings whilst there is any outstanding housework, such as any washing or ironing. He has moaned that the oven isn't cleaned often enough and also that there are Xmas presents left to wrap - it's still a few weeks away and I have done ALL the mas shopping for everyone, except my own presents (which are yet to be bought).

After that, I lost my rag, told him to fuck off and threw some clothes at him. He has driven off in his work van. He isn't meant to be into work until late tomorrow but I don't think I will see him now until probably weds morning when he returns from tomorrow's work. The way I am feeling right now, is that it is over. He has hinted at these feelings before, but when i've questioned him about it, e says he is joking. Tonight has proved he isn't. He honestly believes I am lazy and has said I am crap at what I do - being a housewife.

So AIBU? Should I be putting in the hours he is? Often he leaves as 5.30am and returns at 12am. This is mostly overtime and a lot by choice, but we could do with the money. It is due to his career that I am so restricted by hours, and he knows I have applied for all the local part time term time jobs, with not much luck. I tend to sit down once the DCs are in bed and lunches are made, yet he believes I should carry on until EVERYTHING is done. The house is clean and tidy, but there is a basket of irnong and there was a chopping board not washed up, which had just had bread on it, which both of us would usually leave until morning.

I should add that this would have not been helped by the fact he has been giving up smoking for about 6 weeks, but it seems to be what he really thinks

Apologies this is so long.

Right- to answer the specific barriers he's putting up:

Working once your children are in school is definitely financially worth it. Even on a minimum wage job, you are getting over 6 hours a day free care. Organise before/after care and holiday care and you'll be better off over the course of the year (even if august wipes you out!)

However, more importantly than the money, getting back to work will expand your horizons and give you more to life than hoovering and doing the dishes. You sound seriously bored and unfulfilled. Your husband is then turning on you and telling you to do more housework to 'keep up' with his work hours. That's the last thing you need. Stop listening to his ridiculous arguments against you working.

Also, as each of your children gets older, their childcare needs will drop off. By teenage years they can cope with a couple of hours independence after school, so over the years you will start to have less outgoings on care. By the time your children fly the nest you could have an interesting work life rather than still be filling your days with housework.

Ignoring the other stuff, because you've already had a lot of good advice, but can you not call his work and ask them to limit his overtime?

And his commute is a 3-4 hour round trip? Jeez. Dh had one of those once, it was a bitch. He wouldn't have sworn at me the way yours did though because he simply didn't have the energy.

Oh- and to answer his other 'objections' to you working: most kids don't get ill very often, and its certainly not worth sacrificing a work life for the sake of occasional illness. If a child has certain medical needs, you're entitled to time off for medical appointments. As for school plays and sports days- well, a maximum of a few a year- take some leave for the most important ones. Again, its hardly worth sacrificing a work life just to be constantly 'on call' to school events. I think your husband is inventing barriers tbh, and you are the one facing the consequences

Personally I wouldnt be going down the 'silent seething' route, waiting for an apology.

Next time he is home at something like a reasonable hour could you tell him that need to talk? Explain to him calmly that the way he spoke to you was inexcusable. Explain to him that you are now doubting the worth of your relationship. Explain to him that you have done some research and realise that you are now in a position to split.

This shouldnt be a threat but a kind of 'state of the marriage' statement.

See how he reacts. It may be that he has lost a lot of reason through giving up smoking and working long hours. By holding up the mirror he might get a bit of a shock to see that his temper outbursts are both juvenile and unwarranted.

Of course if he reacts with yet another thrashing around for someone else to blame temper tantrum then you have your answer.

I went through a period where I allowed myself to lose my temper and take my petty resentments out on my DH. It was only when he pointed out to me just how unpleasant I was that I took steps to do something about it.

I think I will have to wait and see what happens. If I try to instigtate to conversation before he is ready, it will just kick off again or he will refuse to talk to me - his favourite tactic is to just ignore when I say something he doesn't like.

If I go for calm explaining - that is patronising according to him. I cannot bloody win and it is all on his terms.

If this is a 'knackered and giving up fags' rant and he apologises of his won back, then maybe we can start from there. But seeing as i'm getting no contact from him, i'm no further forward than I was last night.

He's knackered, worried about money (like everyone atm) and perhaps resenting the fact that (through your joint decisions and not your fault) he is the only earner. Possibly?

Not excuses but they might be contributing.

Are you dead set against using childcare? Would work help to take the pressure of him and give you a bit more independence?

Dont have much good advice op but you do have my sympathy as my dh is very similiar in his attitude

He also works long hours-6.30am to 8pm,sometimes later and I am a sahm to our 3 dcs.

Every time we have an argument he throws it in my face that I am "living off him" and "need to get a fucking job".

However when I try and discuss the practicalities of this-cost etc he just says oh my mum will watch them. Inlaws have NEVER offered childcare and babysit once a year!

After good advice on here though I now know that if he ever starts any of this shit I tell him to find out how much nurseries/cm/cleaners/ironing services cost and see if he would like to swop me then!

I think the long working hours and giving up smoking are red herrings, because he was like this with you in the past, when he had a different job and was still smoking. He doesn't blow his top and speak like this to people at work, therefore it's not beyond his control and caused by tiredness/lack of cigarettes - he is choosing to be like this with you. And it's not on. You are not worthy of less respect than he gives as a matter of course to his colleagues and everyone else he comes into contact with on a daily basis. You are his wife, the person who has loved and supported him and therefore you are entitled to his respect and consideration.

I think your husband needs reminding that he has the career he chose because you were at home doing everything else and enabling him to have it. Without you, he'd be up shit creek. He also needs reminding that you both chose for you to be a sahm - it wasn't something that you imposed on him, against his will.

In your position I would look for a proper, full time job and then I would insist that he does his 50% share of both housework and looking after the children. The days of me pandering to his career and choices would be over.

Actually, if my husband had such little respect for me, I would not stay in the marriage - respect is as important as love. I can't see what you are getting out of this relationship - he is rude and nasty to you and appears to use your home as a crash pad, with his 'real' life being based at work. Hate to say it but your dc would probably get more quality time with him if you were divorced and he had access visits. You would probably be happier too - you'd be just as alone, but you'd not have him being a prick to you on a regular basis.

This incident would be a make or break situation for me. He would have to commit to the relationship properly - so proper working hours, real family time, no more nastiness etc and if he wasn't willing to make these changes, I would struggle to see a future.

Don't apologise - you have done nothing wrong.

The trouble is, you've let him define the terms of the argument. So he can get on his high horse and say "I work all the hours God sends and you just laze around watching tv." But you would be perfectly within your rights to say, "I do everything for the kids, you never see your own children, you never take them anywhere, do anything with them, you're too obsessed with your job and you're an utterly crap father." Which obviously is a bit confrontational, but is just as accurate a view of the situation as his is.

He doesn't have to work those hours. You can't take a proper full-time job because you already work unpaid as a housewife and mother. If he had more reasonable hours he could cover for childcare while you worked. So it's up to him, really - if he wants you to work, he's got to sort out his own work-life balance.

Nonsense- of course she could get a proper full time job. They can find childcare and pay for it out of their joint income. Its this sort of attitude - that she 'can't' work because she's a 'housewife' which is the underlying problem. The husband is treating her as though she's incapable of working - thats bad enough without anyone else suggesting it

Nonsense- of course she could get a proper full time job. They can find childcare and pay for it out of their joint income. Its this sort of attitude - that she 'can't' work because she's a 'housewife' which is the underlying problem. The husband is treating her as though she's incapable of working - thats bad enough without anyone else suggesting it

But getting a 'proper full time job' wouldn't really solve the problem here, would it. If she did, she would probably still be the one doing all the housework and childcare after coming home from work.

You have said this relationship isn't worth saving - you should get out and get a nice life for yourself & your kids. A fulltime job with wrap around childcare, benefits, CSA - you will be OK, plenty of women are and you wont have to put up with this horrible situation anymore. You will have a home you can relax in and enjoy. Not this horrible horrible situation.

Thefestive- getting a job would put her in' the stronger position of saying 'look we're both working now, so we split the housework too'. At the moment he's got her over a barrel. He tells her she cant work, then blames her for being lazy!

I agree that it would put her in a stronger position, but I think she would still end up doing everything at home - especially if he keeps working such long hours. I think the fundamental problem here is a complete lack of respect.

I agree with karma and everything she has said. You don't talk to people that you love like that. I get the impression that you are not happy in this relationship and want out, and the only reason you are staying is because you don't know how to go about it alone, and mabey don't have the confidence to.

I know people like this and have worked for a few of them. Because their lives are their careers they expect everyone to be the same. Their colleagues are like them and the people they choose to mix with, so they think everyone must be like that. But we all work at different rates.

You have a part-time job and are kept busy organising a household of 2 teens and 2 primary school children - that takes a lot of organising! Your role is of mother, wife, mediator, carer, cook, cleaner, first aider, accountant, PA to each of your children and dh, shopper etc. The way to put it to him is to tell him how much it would cost you to hire someone who will do what you currently do.

He is out of order expecting you to put your family on the back burner, as he is. Because he is rarely there, your kids need you more than ever. You single handedly run that household and the reason it runs as smoothly as it does is all down to you.

His attitude is worrying and is not something you can easily change. I don't know where you can go from here but to call you a fucking lazy bitch shows a massive lack of respect for you. IMO a relationship without respect is not a relationship.

I hope you can take some strength from the posts on this thread to finally stamp down this arrogant attitude of his.

Only you know the truth of your relationship but from what you describe you dont sound like lovers, friends or partners. It doesnt sound like you even like each other very much.

It sounds like your husband has got caught up with the treadmill of work. It sounds like he revels in the self-importance of it, they cant do without him. It sounds like he has given himself permission to be rude to you because he is the great working one.

Given that he is so taken up with work have you considered writing him a memo?

If you think your relationship is dead in the water, write it down to tell him. Be terse and business like. Detail what actions you intend to take. Make it clear that in the event of you both separating (if that is really the direction you want to take) then he will be responsible for running his own household.

In the end only you know which way you want to go but what you have right now does not sound much like a marriage to me.

Well 24 hours on and we haven't spoken at all. He is still at work. What a cock.

Hackmum i'm loving your argument respoonse and it's exactly right, although to be fair when he is here he will do stuff like cook etc but he's a martyr about that too.

I can't make any decisions right now as i'm still bloody angry with him and the longer he doesn't get in contact for, the worse it is.

What a cuntmuppet.

He will always put the job before you, you know that right? He doesn't respect you enough to put you first, ever, and I don't think that will ever change.

Him doing stuff in the house, doesn't count as helping and contributing, if he makes a big song and dance over it and acts like a bloody martyr. He isn't doing it because he wants to, or because he feels it's fair. He's doing it to make some sort of twisted point to you. It only counts if he does it willingly and without resentment.

OP, you come across as someone who will not put up with this shit forever. We all draw our lines in the sand and he sounds like he is dangerously close to crossing yours. It's good that you are angry - you should be. You come across as knowing him really well and you have his 'patterns' of behaviour nailed down. You've been here too many times before and it is sounding like he's done this once too often. This time should be your turning point - he either makes proper, real and lasting changes or you do.

This sounds horribly like an ex. If so, it would seem to me that he works long hours as an excuse to avoid dealing with the rest of his life. In this society where work and cash income are seen as more important than everything else, that gives him what he sees to be a perpetual moral "get out of jail free card" to excuse his behaviour.

(Example, from my ex:- Me: "Why did you disappear leaving me in your home with no firewood and no means of heating it, with our month-old baby, in subzero early March, without a word?"

Him: "I was working")

The silent treatment and the refusal to engage except on his terms seem horribly familiar too. I came to realise that it was emotional abuse.

The way your H has spoken to you is not how you speak to someone you love, but someone you hate, however angry you are towards them, its like he holds you in contempt, its more than just him working long hours and giving up smoking, this relationship is not good from the outset. Personally I would not continue a relationship with someone who did not respect or love me.

I have given up smoking.My husband has given up smoking. This sounds like giving up smoking. He's probably bought a packet of fags now and is blaming you. He's an addict and he's fooling himself. But it doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

allagory that is no excuse for speaking to the op like a pile of dirt , I personally think it runs deeper than that.