To think this doesn't make me a 'lazy fucking bitch'

[ohlookanamechange]

Background: DH works very long hours. He is in a career he chose, and persued, with my support. Pay is ok, but not massive. When we we first together and with one DC, I worked full time. Then I went part time (joint decision). Since births of DC2 & 3, I have not worked. All DCs are now at school and I am looking for work to fit in around school hours, which isn't easy to find.

Neither DH or I want me to work full time as we do not want to put the DC into childcare (personal choice and not a judgement of others - we used day nursery for DC1).

Due to DH's hours, I cannot work evenings as he often would not be home, ditto weekends. We have no family to help with childcare.

DH's wage supports us ok, but there isn't exactly much spare cash.

So today, DH has just exploded at me and called me a 'lazy fucking bitch'. He then stormed off and I confronted him, as the reason he called me that was utterly ridiculous and a real non-issue. He has shouted that I should work the same hours that he does, and if he doesn't get home until 12am, then I should stay up and do housework until then.

He has moaned that I should not sit down in the evenings whilst there is any outstanding housework, such as any washing or ironing. He has moaned that the oven isn't cleaned often enough and also that there are Xmas presents left to wrap - it's still a few weeks away and I have done ALL the mas shopping for everyone, except my own presents (which are yet to be bought).

After that, I lost my rag, told him to fuck off and threw some clothes at him. He has driven off in his work van. He isn't meant to be into work until late tomorrow but I don't think I will see him now until probably weds morning when he returns from tomorrow's work. The way I am feeling right now, is that it is over. He has hinted at these feelings before, but when i've questioned him about it, e says he is joking. Tonight has proved he isn't. He honestly believes I am lazy and has said I am crap at what I do - being a housewife.

So AIBU? Should I be putting in the hours he is? Often he leaves as 5.30am and returns at 12am. This is mostly overtime and a lot by choice, but we could do with the money. It is due to his career that I am so restricted by hours, and he knows I have applied for all the local part time term time jobs, with not much luck. I tend to sit down once the DCs are in bed and lunches are made, yet he believes I should carry on until EVERYTHING is done. The house is clean and tidy, but there is a basket of irnong and there was a chopping board not washed up, which had just had bread on it, which both of us would usually leave until morning.

I should add that this would have not been helped by the fact he has been giving up smoking for about 6 weeks, but it seems to be what he really thinks

Apologies this is so long.

Oh he just sounds like an idiot. Only deeply stupid people are that committed to their jobs.

Leaves at 5.30am and gets in at 12am?!

I'm not surprised that he lost his rag working those hours. I would be the psycho bitch from hell if I worked those hours it's utterly insane. Does he do that regularly. I'm not excusing what he said to you as I think it's disgraceful but is it possible he's depresse / irritable through sheer exhaustion. No job is worth that. Can't he find something else too?

He isbeing extremely u reasonable and a total dick to boot
I do think however his hours are so long he must be insane with tiredness and quitting smoking is hard enough without survivng on what must be four hours sleep a night.most likely he is missing his children and you and is resenting the fact you can see them all the time .
It seems to be a common thing that the person who is working thinks the person at home has the life of Riley and the person at home thinks it must be lovely to get out of the house and talk to people who aren't children.

But calling you a lazy fucking bitch is not acceptable and no way to treat the person who is running the house and looking after the dc so he can have the career of his choice , you deserve a massive apology and need to make it clear you will not stand for that level of
abuse and he is not your boss and therefore
has no right to tell you what hours you should be working at home that is controlling and
unesscessary , yo sound like you are doing a
brilliant job .
If it is possible he shouldput in some holidays and chill out for a bit.
My dh sufferswith depression and Insomnia andhas said some horriblethings to me which has devastated him after but like I told him I do not deserve and will not stand for it he needs to seek help and there needs to be boundaries .
My dh knew ifit carried on I would walk out and not look back he has since seeked help and things have got better. Your dh needs to too.
Yes it ishard for him but I bet it can be equally hard for you sometimes.
I hope things get better for you all . X

I thnk if it is possible he needs to put some holidays in and chill out for a bit.

Sorry op but we have 3 children, only recently have I returned to work but when I was a SAHM and DH works 6 days a week 8-7 he still actively encouraged me to chill out.

Happy mum makes happy children and all that.

He does sound very resentfull.

How old are your children?

Why does he work such ridiculous hours? YANBU He should talk calmly to you and explain how he feels especially as you have bought it up. I think he is being very unfair to expect you to work the same hours as he does housework is sooooo mindnumbing for a start.

I am a SAHM but have one DC at home although she is in childcare 2 days a week. i am quite honestly pretty shit at domestic stuff, DH can either accept that (he does) or do it himself because I know he won't be giving his career up to SAH.

I really don't think the hours do make him happy OP.
Still no excuse though.

Last week he did that mon to fri. Weekend off. Today he left home at 5 but was home by 6pm. It depends what he has on really. It tends to go in cycles. So one week he'll just work normal hours (plus travel) but then the following week he'll do the crazy hours. Or he might just do it a couple of days a week.

I won't say his job as it could out me if anyone was recognising any part of this. However, he cannot just get another job, as he is only trained to do this one.

Sometimes he is worse when he's not doing the hours, as he 'needs' to be earning the overtime. This has blown up nefore and i've told him how insane it is. But he doesn't see it. He just sees the £ signs - even though he's not materialistic, he worries about the bills etc.

I could not function on the hours he does and i've told him so. But it really is his choice. If he didn't do it, we would still survive, yes it would be harder but not impossible.

However, he hasn't always done all this overtime and he has spoken to me like this a lot of times over the years. In fact, he used to do a completely different job and he was worse. We split as he was such an arse but got back together and in recent years he has improved a lot. Howver, today has swon me he has just been covering it up well. This has been brewing for a couple of weeks and not help by the smoking thing.

But he can be nice to everyone else, seconds later. Which shows he can control it and chooses to be nasty.

Poor op. He is completely out of order but some of it could be a giving up smoking related.

I can't believe his work expects him to work such long hours. If he has a work van surely they can't think he is safe on the road with just 4 hours sleep.

The abuse is not acceptable at all. But neither is the work' life balance. What on earth is to be gained by you not working, if your childrens other parent is having to work insane hours to be able to finance it?! Broaden your job search because frankly, expecting to find a job to fit around school hours is ridiculous- such jobs are very scarce. Get some balance in your lives so he isn't working from Dawn to dusk and you're not acting like some house slave. You would both be far better off both working but more sensible hours, and then both taking responsibility for housework. Your children will definitely be better off- your home sounds like a battleground right now

Two things occur to me from your post

1. as an ex smoker I do recall feeling absolute towering rage when giving up. I am not excusing him but dont assume that his anger has been bottled up.

1. he needs to talk to someone about his working pattern. Going out at 5am and coming back at 12 is foolish and dangerous. Is there anyone who can talk to him about this (who he will listen to)? It is highly unlikely that he is being productive over such a long day. It sounds like he has got into a habit of long hours. Being a workaholic isnt an admirable quality. It is an addiction in many ways.

The don't make him work those hours. He chooses to, but so do all his colleagues. If I said his job, it would make more sense, but I can't really.

Children are teenager and two in infant school.

I doubt he will talk about this. He will ignore it and pretend it didn't happen. That is what I can't take. If he came back grovelling with flowers etc, then I could probably forgive, but he won't. He already said it was my fault, for the ridiculous thing that started it all in the first place, which is the most trivial thing in the history of the earth.

He has got me wondering if I am lazy. He even named two of our friends and said he bets they work equal hours. Well no they don't, he works full time, she works part time. But her MIL looks after the DC when needed, for free, and he works shifts so helps with school runs and takes DC to and from clubs.

I actually think he just despises me and sometimes can't help showing it

Sorry ohlook posted just after your update.

Don't really know what to suggest. If his behavior changed since the split I am assuming he knew he was being an arse. Maybe have a chat along the lines of.
You can't treat me like that. I know you feel resentful because of your long hours but is quoting smoking making it worse?
Then ask him to use one of those nicotine inhaler thinks for 5 minutes before laying into you again. The combination of a time out and nicotine might calm him down.

Callmemrs - if I was working, his hours would not change. This is not just about money I don't think. He sees the opportunity to do more work and takes it. I do not understand it at all. He has told me he doesn't want me to work any other hours as he will not turn down the overtime.

Me working will not change the hours he works. If we had a lottery win he would not give up work, he has told me that.

I can't bloody win. He moans that i'm not working but makes it impossible for me to do so.

Look - you have got to tell us what his job is!!
The mind boggles!

Just a couple of thoughts.

I dont know what industry he is in but the fact you mention a "works van" suggests it is manual in some way. Not the best industry to be in at the moment - Is he fearful for his job in some way which is manifesting itself in his behaviour?

Another thought I had (and I admit this is a bit of a curve ball), has he had his health checked out recently? My DH is prone to really nasty temper outbursts calling me all the names under the sun one minute then right as rain the next. He was diagnosed last year with Type 2 Diabetes and apparently such behaviour can be a symptom of low blood sugar (something your DH may have in the long working hours if he forgets to eat). I checked the temper outbursts thing in the health thread and apparently it is quite common and diabetics in full flight can be really nasty.

I wonder if, when all this blows over, you might persuade him to go to the Doctors and get a check. Giving up smoking cant help the temper thing either.

You are not being lazy - he is being totally unrealistic.

I am really sorry for him working those hours. However, he is obviously neglecting his responsibility to do some of the care of his children. When you decided to have children, that was presumably his decision too and it is not on for him to say he'll only provide the financial support.

He won't like to hear that because he is working ridiculously hard. But it is true. And if he keeps working this hard he will drive himself mad(er). It's not a workable situation. He needs to cut back his hours. It may be you need to find a part time job that fits around his new hours (sounds like you'd be ok with that possibility from your OP). But he cannot realistically keep working those hours, he is obviously not coping and he is taking it out on you.

OP, the more information you post, the more I am starting to think this is not so much to do with his work and his hours as it is to do with him being a controlling, abusive twat. All the work you do at home is supporting his life, and he does not see it. According to a study (and this was 5-6 years ago) if you had to pay to get the housework, laundry, childcare, shopping, cooking etc. done, you would have to pay someone £27,000 a year. It would be more now - that is what you are worth, that is what you are contributing.

You need to start believing that and I'm sorry to say this - if you don't stand firm now, he will continue to behave like this. Do you want your young DC to see this? Because they will.

Please PM me us his job so we can be nosey make a better decision.

I think Mag may have a good idea there, although good luck in getting him to go to the doctors.

He is still very much in the wrong and he could change so much but I can't help but feel for him as well as you..

Honestly ... if he carries on like this he will turn round one day and find his has missed his children growing up. If nothing else will convince him to cut back (and realize his behaviour towards you is absolutely appalling), maybe that will?

Sorry I really can't but it's really not very interesting. Most people doing his job don't do these hours, but he basically works for a department that involves odd hours, so one day you may be needed at 8 am, the next day it may be 11pm. But him and his colleagues still do a normal day around this, then get overtime for the extra.

Works van, is more company car, only a van, not a manual job and his job is very secure.

The intrigue in the job is making me giggle though, so thanks for taking my mind off the rest of it!

He had a health check a couple of years ago and all was fine. His arsey tendencies have always been there, but I am sure the smkong thing is exacerbating it (can't be bothered to check spelling!)

I'm really not sure I can be with someone like this though. I don't want to be called a lazy fucking bitch, for something really ridiculous, and then have it backed up with the fact that I don't work 27 hours a day.

This is shit

He sounds like an arse on the surface of things - but working those kind of hours must make him knackered. I would be grumpy and irrational doing that. Is there any way you can sit him down for quiet discussion about how you manage your individual stuff?

YANBU he is being an absolute twatwaffle. If he doesn't apologies and try to make amends I'd tell him to pick a window...

I mean with a view to deciding whether he IS just a complete arse, or whether there is anything to be done - though not you doing housework til midnight, obviously.

Yes children were planned. Me not working wasnt at the beginning, but health of DC 2 & 3 made it impossible in the early days.

I think the timing of his outburst is due to tiredness and giving up smoking.

But there were definite similar things before he did this job, years ago. But he has improved vastly the last few years but it's all bubbling under the surface again - well under the surface until this evening.

I would love to have a job. I have never been so bored in my entire life. Which is one of the reasons that in the evening I watch crap on TV - I simply cannot continue with house work any longer.

I am beginning to wonder if I am the reason he works long hours. It would make sense. We've kind of continued in a relationship for no reason other than the fact that we're already in it. If I met him now, or if we didn't have children etc, I wouldn't stay for a minute. That's awful, but then I am bloody angry.

I was just wondering, are you sure that DH is working these insane hours he says he is....

I may be completely off track here but I just remember from other threads similar in nature when it transpired that the OH was actually conducting an affair when he claimed to be working late...

And that sometimes when someone is planning on leaving they start a row over something ridiculous, winding their partner up and manipulating them into getting angry, thus having the means to leave without being the guilty partner...

I hope I am wrong here. If I am, I think your DH is being unreasonable and needs to have a look at his anger and what might be stimulating his resentment [prob the insane working hours and giving up smoking!]