To think this doesn't make me a 'lazy fucking bitch'

[ohlookanamechange]

Background: DH works very long hours. He is in a career he chose, and persued, with my support. Pay is ok, but not massive. When we we first together and with one DC, I worked full time. Then I went part time (joint decision). Since births of DC2 & 3, I have not worked. All DCs are now at school and I am looking for work to fit in around school hours, which isn't easy to find.

Neither DH or I want me to work full time as we do not want to put the DC into childcare (personal choice and not a judgement of others - we used day nursery for DC1).

Due to DH's hours, I cannot work evenings as he often would not be home, ditto weekends. We have no family to help with childcare.

DH's wage supports us ok, but there isn't exactly much spare cash.

So today, DH has just exploded at me and called me a 'lazy fucking bitch'. He then stormed off and I confronted him, as the reason he called me that was utterly ridiculous and a real non-issue. He has shouted that I should work the same hours that he does, and if he doesn't get home until 12am, then I should stay up and do housework until then.

He has moaned that I should not sit down in the evenings whilst there is any outstanding housework, such as any washing or ironing. He has moaned that the oven isn't cleaned often enough and also that there are Xmas presents left to wrap - it's still a few weeks away and I have done ALL the mas shopping for everyone, except my own presents (which are yet to be bought).

After that, I lost my rag, told him to fuck off and threw some clothes at him. He has driven off in his work van. He isn't meant to be into work until late tomorrow but I don't think I will see him now until probably weds morning when he returns from tomorrow's work. The way I am feeling right now, is that it is over. He has hinted at these feelings before, but when i've questioned him about it, e says he is joking. Tonight has proved he isn't. He honestly believes I am lazy and has said I am crap at what I do - being a housewife.

So AIBU? Should I be putting in the hours he is? Often he leaves as 5.30am and returns at 12am. This is mostly overtime and a lot by choice, but we could do with the money. It is due to his career that I am so restricted by hours, and he knows I have applied for all the local part time term time jobs, with not much luck. I tend to sit down once the DCs are in bed and lunches are made, yet he believes I should carry on until EVERYTHING is done. The house is clean and tidy, but there is a basket of irnong and there was a chopping board not washed up, which had just had bread on it, which both of us would usually leave until morning.

I should add that this would have not been helped by the fact he has been giving up smoking for about 6 weeks, but it seems to be what he really thinks

Apologies this is so long.

YANBU

Your unpaid work in the home is enabling him to work his precious job.

I am a SAHM and DH works a job with odd hours (I could never work around him as it changes all the time and involves nights, going away etc). His job severely impacts upon my career prospects and that is OK for the moment as i want to be at home with the kids and am doing a degree with OU. He says himself working is easier than home with 5 DC.

I am guessing that he knows it is a weak spot he can throw at you in an argument. Is he so selfish he would prefer you both to see less of kids or is it to enable him not to have to make any cutbacks even if the kids would need to be in childcare for this?

I don't see how you going to work would help! He would very probably use that against you.

YANBU.

You are not lazy. You're effectively a LP to 3 DC, FFS!

He is making all the decisions here, but he's still not happy, and still verbally abusing you.

So he gets to:

1. choose his hours (and get arsey because he's tired)
2. tell you that you can't work (but get arsey because you're 'lazy')
3. tell you that you should be working unhealthy hours, just because he is

Is he as controlling in other ways?

And Don't Do ANYTHING for him

e.g, wash his clothes, cook him dinner until he's apologised

if you continue to do so you're enabling his behaviour. He will also be reminded of how much you do for him.

He needs to watch the film Click with Adam Sandler. It really brings home how heartbreaking it is to look back and realise you have missed so much of the best years of your kids and families life because of always being at work. Those years never come back.

Jellybeans- there is a world of difference between being a SAHM who doesnt want to be working and with 5 kids at home, and a SAHM with 3 kids at school who is bored shitless and wants more in her life. The OP has stated several times that she is bored. She doesn't want to do housework. She wants a job . Her husband is putting up the usual barriers people do when they are scared of something- it'll mean paying for childcare, it'll mean some planning ahead... Well, yes! But it opens the door for her to have some bargaining power in this relationship and also stops their children having a dad they never see because he works all hours, and a mum who is frustrated and bored.

Op - don't be put off- Get a job, tell him he is no longer sole earner so needs to stop these insane work hours and start sharing the domestic chores.

If the marriage is truly over- then all the more important you've got some means of earning and are taking steps to independence

I think it's fine to be a sahm, in a relationship where there is mutual love and respect. It's not so good to be a sahm in a relationship where the working partner doesn't acknowledge that what you do supports what he does and where he doesn't value you as the equal partner that you are.

OP, if this all goes tits up, permanently, then you need to be in a stronger position than you are now. Getting a full time job would be a good place to start. I think it will have the effect of either forcing him to do his share with the kids/house, or he will carry on as before, but at least you will be able to leave and not have him hold money over your head.

I'd start putting away an 'escape fund', in your name only, just in case he gets (more) arsey and cuts off your access to money, if this row escalates. Not saying he definitely would, but the more prepared you are, the better.

This morning's update. Last night I wrote him a very long letter, detailing everything. It was very matter of fact, not emotional but just saying that this is what is wrong, this is what I do, he does too many hours and doesn't respect me etc etc. I said it's up to him now what he does. If he wants to save this relationship the ball in his court, but I will not continue like this.

When he came in from work he looked terrible tbh, but was going to continue ignoring me, which is quite hard to do when you are the only 2 people awake in the house. He was more than happy to help himself to the leftover dinner in the fridge though. I gave him the letter, told him I wanted him to read it and went to bed. He followed about half an hour later, without a word.

This morning I was up with the DC and he wasn't up ( meant to be going in late today). As we were leaving the house, he was in the bathroom so I politley told him we were going, at which point he grumbled, indicating he was going to come wih us. I said he could but it had to be now. He didn't come.

I have got back from the school run and he has gone to work, actually an hour earlier than he was meant to.

I don't know what he's done with the letter. It doesn't seem to be here so I think he may have taken it with him to read over again. I have no idea what is going on in his head right now.

I think he knows he has gone to far and is being an arsehole, but he would quite happily carry on like that if I didn't point it out to him.

So it drags on for another day probably. But then i'm in no hurry to do anything this minute. I don't want to make any rash decisions, nor push him into an apology he doesn't mean. I want him to realise what he is doing and want to change, or walk away beacuse this is how he wants to be.

So today, I will be Xmas shopping.

Thank you all for your wise words. I now know i'm not lazy and do a valued job, and i'm sure i'm not being over dramatic (his favourite phrase) and actually should expect more.

You are all fab

You are fab too. And a bloody saint for putting up with him. I hope it resolves soon.

Well done. I actually can't see him changing and think it would be for the best for everyone if he chooses to move out. However, I wish for you what you wish for yourself x

Can't believe that someone who is supposed to be your husband would speak to you that way! I think I'd have to move into the spare room for the night and ignore him for a couple of days. Its his problem that he doesn't earn more and not yours. Ask him whether he'd like to look after the kids all day and he'd soon get a headache. So sorry that you've been spoken to in such a crappy manner but maybe don't play tit for tat and respond by also using the same horrible language. What do you do when the kids are at school?

You're job is hard enough without being ranted at like that. Caring for children is a challenge for anyone.

oh come on, it doesnt compare to working 15 hour days, no way no how

and yes, I have done both

Surely, ToldYaSO, the point is not how the OP can work enough hours to get as tired as her dh but whether working longer hours will make her more efficient in her role. Will she be a better mum- more on the ball, more patient, more fun to be with- if she runs around all evening to invent jobs for herself just because her dh gets jealous if she has a rest? I wouldn't have thought so.

callmemrs

But OP said it didn't matter if she worked or not, her OH would still insist on the crazy hours.

If a man is working crazy hours out of sheer financial neccesitiy so that the mother could SAH, with school age kids, then I see your point. But in this case it doesn't seem he would cut his hours even if OP got a job.

If OP wants to work, then I agree that there is nothing wrong with her using childcare etc to do so. If she doesn't want to work but is bored then there is plenty to do; studying, volunteering etc. If you don't want/need to work then why have the hassle of childcare/strikes/sickness/missing plays etc. A parent at home can take these stresses of the working parent and enable them to work more erratic hours; although most wouldn't do the hours of OP's OH-mine does 39-40hrs and is happy with that.

Rows are horrible and people sometimes say horrible things.

Supporting my DH's work means that my own employment opportunities are very much compromised. Weekends and evenings are out because there's often a very real chance he'll be away. I have no family nearby that would help.

In my job search (only) I have to approach it as a single mum would in some ways, I cannot accept work when I can't get childcare (and evening and weekend childcare round here is non existent)...

We've rowed about it at times.

But nothing as bad as you describe ohlook, and only when a row escalates to defensive point scoring.... your DH is being totally unfair.

Jellybeans - if the husband still insisted on working crazy hours if she got a job, then yes, he's still being totally unreasonable and there's a huge problem.

But my point is that her getting a job would be a very useful catalyst for change. They are stuck in this ridiculous situation. She's bored, he's angry; and whatever he claims about not wanting her to work, clearly he's NOT happy or he wouldn't be arguing in this way.

Once she's in a stronger position, she can call some shots about housework. And I still think if the relationship is so awful, she needs a job more than ever to give her a chance to escape

'Supporting my DH's work means that my own employment opportunities are very much compromised. Weekends and evenings are out because there's often a very real chance he'll be away. I have no family nearby that would help.'

I'm in the same position. I used to work around DH before he got this job. However, it is giving me chance to get a degree (OU) and I like being at home so it is OK.

I see where you are coming from callmemrs.

So what he works long hours, so do you. He gets his lunch break so why shouldn't you take a break in the afternoon? Who is it that stays up all night when the children are ill, or who done all the late night feeds. Tell him you'll swap jobs for a week and see which is easier, guaranteed he will be begging to swap back.

If he wants to work all them hours then its down to him. You have sacrificed so he can do the work he loves and now is complaining at you for it. Maybe he is having a tough time at work?

My DH works ridiculous hours, often away and I also have no family to help out.

I only have one DD and my husband would never speak to me in such a disrespectful way. Not twice anyway.

If you worked full time and paid a nanny / housekeeper would he speak to them like this?