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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dss, his mum, sickness and a little baby, AIBU? I probably am.... <sigh>

107 replies

MrsRhettButler · 03/12/2011 14:57

hi, dss is 7, our dd1 is 6 and dd2 is 12 weeks.

Dss happens to be one of those children who is ill quite a lot (mainly normal snuffly nose stuff) dd1 is never ill unless she catches something from dss. (no exaggeration, she just doesn't pick things up from school and I think she only catches bugs from him as they are so close and always have their heads together over some book/computer game) I will admit to this annoying me, especially in the past when dd1 was younger but hey ho, these things happen, children catch bugs.

So now we have 12 week old dd2 and dss was dropped here yesterday and within 5 mins of him being here I noticed that he had a bad cough, very raspy voice and snot streaming from his nostrils. I noticed this after he had already kissed and hugged dd2.

Now, AIBU to think dss's mum should have AT LEAST pre warned us and really offered to keep him home this weekend? (now I know he is dp's son and that includes when he is ill but we are all very flexible about weekends and will swap and change whenever it suits any of us so no point saying 'but it was your weekend')

I'm actually quite annoyed that she didn't even warn us and he's also turned up without a coat, hat or gloves Hmm

OP posts:
MyChildDoesntNeedSleep · 03/12/2011 15:33

YABU

Would you want to cart your daughter off somewhere to protect your 12 week old if she had a runny nose? I thought step-parents were meant to love their partner's kids as their own Hmm

ocdgirl · 03/12/2011 15:35

YABU

It's just a cold, what if dss lived with you ? you could't send him away if he was ill. How do you think dss would feel if he wasn't allowed to see his dad because of a cold ?

Catsdontcare · 03/12/2011 15:36

Yabu

tiredlady · 03/12/2011 15:37

What would you do if it was your dd1 who had gotten ill? Would you have sent her away for the weekend? If you would not, then you are being totally unreasonable

bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe · 03/12/2011 15:37

You absolutely cannot be serious about this Hmm.

HeadfirstForGabrielsHalo · 03/12/2011 15:37

YABU.

theincredibequeenofwands · 03/12/2011 15:38

A warning could have been good but if he's ill all of the time then it may not even occur to his mum to mention it.

He may also have been looking forward to seeing his dad and would've been gutted to not be allowed to go.

Is one of those things that can't be helped.

Bringing him without a coat is shite though.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 03/12/2011 15:40

Your DSS should have been sent with a coat, hat etc and some cough medicine.

Unreasonable to think he should have been kept away from his dad to protect the 12 week old. Had he been your son you would not have sent him away.

Rhinestone · 03/12/2011 15:41

YABU.

You are blaming your DSS for your DD's illness. It sounds as if you resent him for even existing tbh.

Were you the OW? Just seeing as how DSS and your DD are so close in age. I think you're in danger of being the wicked stepmum.

hoops997 · 03/12/2011 15:42

YABU, you can't quarantine him, it won't do your DD2 any harm to pick up bugs!!

bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe · 03/12/2011 15:43

Erm, see, the awkward thing about children in your care ... you just have to get on with it even when they are sick.

Greythorne · 03/12/2011 15:45

YABU
you are a blended family but a family nonetheless
You do not bar a member of your family from the house because they are ill

This really smacks of favouritism to your own biological children which I hooe you can acknowledge because whilst common and in some ways understandable, starting down the road of favouring one's bio kids is never wise.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 03/12/2011 15:46

YABU - You can't keep poorly kids away from their younger brothers and sisters. If it was something that might actually be dangerous for the baby then you might have a point (ie something that you might have sent DD to your parent's to keep her away from the baby) but for a cold YABtotallyU.

squeakytoy · 03/12/2011 15:47

what rhinestone said...

Angelswings · 03/12/2011 15:49

Agree YABU but can understand the feeling of 'oh no, another virus coming into the house'

As you have a new baby, it's even more important your DSS has regular contact with his dad and half siblings

Catsdontcare · 03/12/2011 15:50

It's good that you are all happy to be flexible about access but I don't think general coughs and cols should qualify as inconvenient time for dss to visit unless he is really very sick.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 03/12/2011 15:51

YABU to think his Mum should always look after him when he's sick. He has a Dad too who is also perfectly able to look after him and really, it's not his Mum's problem that you have two other children with her ex (and one so very close in age to her own).

YABU to think this little boy shouldn't see his Dad just because he's got a cold. His DSS's get to live with his Daddy every day - he doesn't.

It's unfortunately that your DD seems to get sick when she's seen her DB, but I think that maybe you atribute every minor illness she gets to him when in fact she's picked it up at school.

I'd buy a coat, a hat & some gloves for him to keep at your house this winter.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 03/12/2011 15:52

I've just remembered how my DD had D&V picked up at nursery when my DS was only 2 weeks olds and it was my DH's first day back at work. God it was a baptism of fire into being a mum or two and DD was sick for about 5 days. But you do just get on with it. Luckily DS managed to avoid it.

GypsyMoth · 03/12/2011 15:53

You sound like he's an inconvenience to you!

Sassybeast · 03/12/2011 15:53

This is a wind up right ?

Cos if not, that poor wee boy Sad

FredFredGeorge · 03/12/2011 15:53

YABVU 5 minutes is too fast for the symptoms to arrive, so if DD2 has a cold, then she didn't get it from DSS.

fantagrape · 03/12/2011 15:55

Blimey yabu

I'm glad you weren't my step mum. Sort your attitude out towards an innocent child.

tigerlillyd02 · 03/12/2011 15:56

The comment you made at the end of the first paragraph says it all really:

"Hey ho, these things happen, children catch bugs"

I also think you're being very judgy about the coat, hat and gloves. That's not really going to prevent his germs spreading or magically make his cold disappear so unless he came in physically shivering from it, I fail to see the big deal. My DS (2) is a child who doesn't catch bugs easily and he rarely wears a hat or gloves.

Original poster
MrsRhettButler · 03/12/2011 16:19

I wasn't the other woman, dp and I split up for a while and dss was conceived in that time on a one night stand, he is not an inconvieniance to me, I have been in his life from day one, I do not love him as much as my own but I do love him.
Dd2 hasn't got a cold, where did I say that? Its not a cold he has, he has a very rasping cough/cold, it's not just a runny nose, I said he usually has a runny nose. We always look after him ill or not but as dd2 is still so tiny I would have thought changing weekends would be ok, it's usually fine and we are all usually understanding of each other if plans change so not a big deal.

I do not resent him for existing, I have an excellent relationship with him.

Maybe just a heads up then, if dd1 was ill I wouldn't be letting her kiss the baby and if I had known I could have prevented that. The fact is I don't want a 12 week old with a rasping cough.

I hope I've answered everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsRhettButler · 03/12/2011 16:25

I have nothing against dss, i have no 'attitude' towards him.

Ok, so IABU about him not coming. Fair enough.

Just as an aside dp is working all weekend so he comes to see his sisters more than his dad and it's usually like this when he comes, I always look after him and do so gladly.

OP posts: