Dss, his mum, sickness and a little baby, AIBU? I probably am.... <sigh>

[MrsRhettButler]

hi, dss is 7, our dd1 is 6 and dd2 is 12 weeks.

Dss happens to be one of those children who is ill quite a lot (mainly normal snuffly nose stuff) dd1 is never ill unless she catches something from dss. (no exaggeration, she just doesn't pick things up from school and I think she only catches bugs from him as they are so close and always have their heads together over some book/computer game) I will admit to this annoying me, especially in the past when dd1 was younger but hey ho, these things happen, children catch bugs.

So now we have 12 week old dd2 and dss was dropped here yesterday and within 5 mins of him being here I noticed that he had a bad cough, very raspy voice and snot streaming from his nostrils. I noticed this after he had already kissed and hugged dd2.

Now, AIBU to think dss's mum should have AT LEAST pre warned us and really offered to keep him home this weekend? (now I know he is dp's son and that includes when he is ill but we are all very flexible about weekends and will swap and change whenever it suits any of us so no point saying 'but it was your weekend')

I'm actually quite annoyed that she didn't even warn us and he's also turned up without a coat, hat or gloves

Ok, I do NOT 'blame' dss for every illness dd has but it's a fact that if he comes down with something chances are she will too, it's actually a bit of a joke between dp and dss' mum. They must resent him too

There is a massive 11 months between our children so for one month of the year they are (shock horror) the same age!

I have no idea if contraception was used I don't really see how it's my business being that we weren't together. And yes, he must have jumped into bed with 'some random,' that is how one night stands work last I checked.
Ok it's not an ideal way to have a child but it happened and no one would change it for the world.
Can I just reiterate that I don't think it's dss' 'fault' it was his mum I had the problem with for not letting us know and finding out how we felt about it. That's all.

Has he arrived with unsuitable clothing before? Would she have sent him like that purpose to prevent you from banishing him outdoors, away from your baby with his cold. Would she think along those lines you think?

I just seems a pretty weird thing to "forget".

If I were you, I'd buy him a set of winter outerwear but keep it at your house, in case it happens again. Doesn't have to be new clothing if money is tight. But that is what I'd do.

I think your dh's ex was very unreasonable for not sending him with proper clothing and medicine, and for not giving you a heads up.

Teens, your post at 23:30 did make me laugh! Sad but true.

Pmsl at banishing him outdoors!

On a serious note, yes she does send him in unsuitable clothing (think shorts in winter and trousers in summer!) he does have a coat btw, a very nice warm puffy one so it's not that she can't afford to dress him. Iirc dp bought it for him last year and as dp buys 'big' he still fits it this year.

I will buy warm clothing to keep here, we did that last year too and it came in handy.

Going on from my other post, although I thought you were a bit judgy on the hat and scarf thing, I didn't think you were unreasonable in thinking you should have been told (it would have been easy enough for her to briefly say when dropping him off) - although his mother probably assumed you'd see for yourself quite quickly if you have a lot of contact. If it's quite normal for him to have minor colds and ailments, perhaps in her eyes it was no big deal and quite normal so didn't cross her mind?

However, I did think it was unreasonable to expect him to be kept away for that reason. You say he's ill quite a lot so that would mean he'd more or less be banished from your house for the first few years of your DD2's life, which is a very unfair expectation. A cough can last for weeks also so there's a good chance you'd be keeping him away for a long time until it cleared completely.

I know it's annoying when younger children catch bugs and colds etc, but unfortunately, unless you're willing to keep them indoors constantly, and leave them yourself when you're ill, it's not something you can prevent.

Oh and affairs and "the other woman" thing is nobody else's business and I don't see as it as anything to do with what you were asking.

I do see your point tiger, I guess it's just that when he came with such a rasping cough and saying his throat hurt the thought of my tiny baby dealing with a cough like that just upset me, maybe I am being pfb about my second born!

Sorry but I think its vile-looking at the age difference between the kids he must have basically jumped into bed with some random almost immediately

The stepson is the older one of the two.. and for all we know him and Op could have been having problems for a while prior to their separation... obviously when they got back together they made up in the way that we all do.. (and possibly at this point nobody was aware of the first pregnancy)..

No - as Fred said, it would take a lot longer than 5 mins to catch anything, more think a minimum of 12-24 hours depending on the illness. Your 12 week old had an illness that coincidently showed when DSS was around.
YABU

So now we have 12 week old dd2 and dss was dropped here yesterday and within 5 mins of him being here I noticed that he had a bad cough

Op says that she noticed the stepson had a bad cough within five minutes of him arriving.. not that anyone caught it within five minutes! :)

My 12 week old doesn't have an illness! I am worried that she will catch the bad cough that he has. Sorry if my op was unclear.

Thanks for clarifying squeaky :)

I see your point. Even though I think it was an unfair expectation to keep him away, I don't think you come across as "the wicked stepmother". I understand you feeling a bit protective of your baby.. that's quite natural. Otherwise it sounds like you have quite a good relationship with your DSS which is good to see.

Yanbu - I get you completely. 12 week old and protecting the baby.

I have 2 ds's and 3 dc. Honestly, I love my dss's but its a different form of love to my dc's, loving sc as if they're your own...? Biologically that's difficult to comprehend. It's not being unkind, just honest here, I would never let them know that!

I think that you should let your DP and Some Random thrash this one out. She is the mother of DSS, he is the father of your DC and DSS, if he feels that the presence of one is harmful to the other then it's time for them to have a meaningful discussion.

Op she should have sent him with the proper clothes and she could have warned you that he was sniffly so that you could make sure you were ready to tuck him up warm with cough medicine etc. it would be unreasonable to ask her to keep him home if he was still happy to come, they only time i would expect her to keeo him home is if he was unwell and really clingy to his mum (i know mine want to just sit with me when they are ill no one else will do) so it would seem meam to force him away in those circumstamces but since that wasnt the case he was fine to come to you.

Ye Gods, the OP has had a hard time! Ex-H has been with the OW since we split up. They have two dc aged 6yo and 2yo in their house, and a baby on the way.

If DS1 has something infectious - I ring them in advance, and give them the noption of whether to have DS1 and risk their littler dc getting ill or not. It's common courtesy.

Oh - and BTW, if my own dc had a hacking cough and I had a 12wo baby, I'd blooming well be keeping them upstairs and the baby downstairs at the very least - and getting through gallons of anti-bac and gel.

I am the RP, and I don't think the OP IBU. No-one wants their 12wo baby getting a hacking cough FGS. The DSS's mother should have thought about the fact that there is a tiny baby in the house, and given the OP and her DH the opportunity to swap weekends etc.

If I can manage to be thoughtful like that when my Ex-H is LIVING WITH the OW - then I see no reason why any other RP can't be.

OP - YANBU. The DSS's mother IBU, IMO.

Of course YABU, and you know it really. Since you say you're not even listening to people who point out that you are, I don't really see why you'd even bother posting. But really, your stepson's mother is coping as a single parent with a child who you say is often ill- why should she be chasing around to inform you of minor ailments? And it's absoutely mad that you expect her to offer to do free childcare for your partner on a weekend when he's supposed to be parenting his son, because of a cold. I hope your partner doesn't have the sense of entitlement that you appear to- if you want a free nurse for your child, they'd have to be a lot more sick than just having snuffles. Unless you keep your baby in the house all the time and handle them through a sealed cabinet when you yourself have a cold, then you're also being a hypocrite. Not that you seem to care about that...

Also if you picked him up from school, he probably lost coat etc there. Why are you so keen to blame your stepson's mother for everything? Is it perhaps guilt over the fact that she's the mother of your partner's first child, even if you were 'taking a relationship break and it was a one night stand' (seriously, tell it to Jeremy Kyle)- your partner is clearly a bit of an arse not to stick with her at least to try and be a proper father, instead of knocking you up 3 months later. But you chose to be with someone who already had a child, and that child was there before any subsequent ones and is owed just as much care!

I love the fact that there are two poles apart opinions right next to each other (wibblybibble and huntycat). this is why I read mumsnet! :)

Yanbu in thinking she should have at least said something - if he lived with you and got sick you could have kept him from close contact with the 12 week old and taken extra precautions, daddy could have occupied the 2 older children so they weren't around the newborn.

I don't see why she didn't tell you, common courtesy when there's little babies around I thought

Wibbly, where to start?
I only said I don't listen to the 'poor wee boy' type posts as they are not even constructive, I have listened to everyone else and admitted that I may be being unreasonable seeing as the first lot of posts were pretty unanimous.

She's not a single parent she has a dp who lives with her.

Thankfully non of the four of us parents/step parents call it 'childcare' but if you really want to talk about childcare then I do absolutely loads of childcare for her, I had him for the night on Tuesday over to wednesday because of the strikes and she works. Dp was working so it was me looking after the dc. She is constantly asking for us to have him at different times and changing the contact days (which is absolutely fine btw I'm just painting a picture) we are all very flexible with each other and it works for us.

We did not pick him up from school his mother dropped him here.

Why should they have to be forced into a relationship because of a one night stand? That's ridiculous they hardly even knew each other.
I'm gonna ignore your Jeremy Kyle comment because I cba to rise to the bait.

Agree with all the others, YABU.

It would be entirely UN reasonable to send a child to nursery or school knowing they are ill. I also find it very selfish when parents drag children out shopping or other public places when they are contagious.

However , a FAMILY is entirely different. The boy has every right to be with his dad, whether he's ill or not. Fine to take any normal precautions such as not letting him kiss the baby while he's streaming snot- but other than that its tough. Its part of the deal of being a step parent. Its your duty to treat him just as you would your own- whether you feel like it or not

I think if it was my son and I knew the OP had a tiny baby, I would ask if we could swap weeks and he could come the next one instead.

That's because I am courteous and expect people to do the same when it's perfectly sensible to keep ill children apart from each other, if it's only for a few days.

That's why you keep them at home from school when they are ill. So as to be considerate to the other parents - you wouldn't say the school was unreasonable to send an ill child home or not want them in the classroom, despite the school being there to educate and care for the child, there is a time when you have to be considerate and pragmatic.

I think if a child has two places to be, one where there's no one to infect and another where there is a small baby and another child who may catch whatever it is, you keep the ill child in his other home till he is better.

Sorry - I don't think the OP is being unreasonable. But it is a grey area and all parties have to agree otherwise it's a risk it will cause more animosity.

I'd certainly keep my child at home with me till recovered, if it was only a case of waiting another week to see his dad but then again, mine only sees his dad about twice a year. So our level of interaction is different.

For example:

1. Stepchild has bad cold. Stepchild stays at home till following week. OP's children do not catch his cold, though they may catch other ones - it just depends on luck. But they won't be exposed in a close environment to something making it almost inevitable.

1. Stepchild has bad cold. Stepchild visits OP's children/family, OP's children both develop bad cold from this contact.

OP's elder child misses three days of school, loses part in nativity, OP's younger child is awake for three nights with high temperature and everything gets muddled and delayed.

I mean they might not catch it anyway, but on the balance of risk I'd go with option 1. And that's speaking as the mother of the stepchild!

The op says the child is often sickly with coughs and colds. Should he really have to deal with his designated weekends with his dad being chopped and changed whenever he's under the weather? And what about the fact that his mother has no doubt made other arrangements this weekend if her son is due to stay at his dad? I don't see how being 'courteous' is part of the deal! Maybe if it's a one off illness like chickenpox you would rearrange but not fair on the child with every cold and sniffle- particularly as the CHILD obviously feels well enough to play and do things as normal. He wont understand why he's being banished from his dad this weekend.

My point about schools is precisely because they serve a different purpose to a family. You shouldn't send your child into school when unwell- but you certainly shouldn't Banish them from their family!