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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dss, his mum, sickness and a little baby, AIBU? I probably am.... <sigh>

107 replies

MrsRhettButler · 03/12/2011 14:57

hi, dss is 7, our dd1 is 6 and dd2 is 12 weeks.

Dss happens to be one of those children who is ill quite a lot (mainly normal snuffly nose stuff) dd1 is never ill unless she catches something from dss. (no exaggeration, she just doesn't pick things up from school and I think she only catches bugs from him as they are so close and always have their heads together over some book/computer game) I will admit to this annoying me, especially in the past when dd1 was younger but hey ho, these things happen, children catch bugs.

So now we have 12 week old dd2 and dss was dropped here yesterday and within 5 mins of him being here I noticed that he had a bad cough, very raspy voice and snot streaming from his nostrils. I noticed this after he had already kissed and hugged dd2.

Now, AIBU to think dss's mum should have AT LEAST pre warned us and really offered to keep him home this weekend? (now I know he is dp's son and that includes when he is ill but we are all very flexible about weekends and will swap and change whenever it suits any of us so no point saying 'but it was your weekend')

I'm actually quite annoyed that she didn't even warn us and he's also turned up without a coat, hat or gloves Hmm

OP posts:
flixy102 · 03/12/2011 16:42

OP, we step parents usually get a bit of a hard time on these threads, I don't think YABU. My DSD was with us one weekend and her mother failed to tell us she had head lice, another time she arrived with the chicken pox which i was a tad peeved by. It just seems common sense at handover to say child has cold/cough/whatever so that if they need meds etc you can provide them with what they need.

Original poster
MrsRhettButler · 03/12/2011 16:49

Yes, I thought about putting this in step parents but I felt brave Grin

I realise he's part of our family but yes, a heads up would help.

I'm cooking some chicken soup now with lots of garlic and ginger, hopefully that will help him feel better.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsRhettButler · 03/12/2011 16:50

Thank you flixy :)

OP posts:
flixy102 · 03/12/2011 16:54

Your braver than me mrs! I've been thinking about posting an AIBU thread on here loosely related to step parenting but I'm a chicken and may cry if people slated me! I'm so glad the rest of the posters are so mother teresa-esque!!

Original poster
MrsRhettButler · 03/12/2011 17:00

Well its all about listening to the rational posters that make sense, I've heard what everyone has said here and I've taken it into consideration. I ignore the comments like 'poor wee boy' as I know he is anything but that! Grin

OP posts:
flixy102 · 03/12/2011 17:05

It's the 'poor wee child' posts that make me angry too. But, alas it's Saturday evening so I won't let it annoy me! You sound like a lovely step mum mrs keep doing what you do.

origamirose · 03/12/2011 17:12

YABU about your DSS's cough. I think it's fair to say to him don't go too close to the baby - her lungs aren't big enough yet to cope with a chesty cough like yours, but you can always give me a big hug to pass on to her...

Re the coat - he needs one for the weekend - if he hasn't got one that's a pain in the @rse (I know, I have DSDs who often turn up without warm clothes). Now when we pick up we make sure that the girls have at least got coats with them and make sure that there is always a couple of warm tops at ours.

deemented · 03/12/2011 17:21

YANBU - how hard is it for someone to say 'Oh btw, he's got a nasty cough and the start of a cold coming' - hardly difficult?

This from a fellow Step-parent. I'd be pissed off too, in your situation.

Chin up, chuck - step parents always get a rough time in AIBU.

And as for the poster who said 'I thought step parents were sposed to love their partners kids as their own' - What planet are you on??? Love grows over time, it doesn't just appear automaticly - you have to get to know each other, and that takes time too - especially when you only see them two weekends a month and occasionally during the week. It's hard. Both for the kid and for the stepparent. And don't forget, when you take on someone else's child, you also take on the parent that you aren't with - you have to build a semblence of a relationship with them too, and that takes time as well.

schmee · 03/12/2011 22:21

She should have told you, but you knew your baby would have two older siblings and therefore might get bugs from them, so I don't think it would be fair to expect him not to see his dad in case the baby gets sick.

schmee · 03/12/2011 22:22

It seems a bit strange that your DD1 only ever gets bugs from your DSS though, rather than children at school Hmm

Original poster
MrsRhettButler · 03/12/2011 23:21

Seriously! Dd just doesn't pick up bugs easily, but obviously sleeping in the same room and being together in very close proximity she does catch stuff from him, only when he's quite ill mind you, not just every little snuffle he has.

Dd1 picking up bugs doesn't bother me so much like I said in the op it's gonna happen. It was only the fact that dd2 is so little but I'm clearly being unreasonable, mumsnet has spoken!

Fwiw I wouldn't send dd somewhere with a little baby if she was ill without checking first whether it was her dad or not but maybe that's just me.
I also wouldn't dream of sending him home now he's here or letting him know how I feel about his mum not warning me first.

OP posts:
teenswhodhavethem · 03/12/2011 23:30

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Ilovepigs · 03/12/2011 23:34

Your dp had a child with another women while you were very briefly split up?-has he no self control?

You are really not coming across as if you are that happy to have this child in your life.

And your dd "only" catches bugs from dss?-my arse!!

YABU

teenswhodhavethem · 03/12/2011 23:35

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teenswhodhavethem · 03/12/2011 23:37

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Ilovepigs · 03/12/2011 23:42

teens-clearly her dp hasnt heard of condoms then?Hmm

Sorry but I think its vile-looking at the age difference between the kids he must have basically jumped into bed with some random almost immediately.

How could you want to have dcs with a man like that?

oh and btw the op is doing herself no favours with her comments-wicked sm does spring to mind very easily...

festi · 03/12/2011 23:56

YANBU op, My dd is a step child and I very rearly send her to her dads if she is unwell. snuffly noses etc aside, but had he a new baby in the house I would definatly be considerate of that and avoid sending her with coughs etc if it is easy to rearange or plan other wise. I dont see its a big deal and definatly does not mean that child is not welcome or loved less. especially if dad is working and his partner is looking after 3 kids on her own, just seems sensible to be flexible.

festi · 03/12/2011 23:58

wow Ilovepigs, I do hope you are whiter than white. very nasty comment indeed.

531800000008 · 04/12/2011 00:00

what horrible comments about the conceptions of the children, Ilovepigs

MrsRB YANBU to have expected to have been told that he's possibly a bit under the weather (you might not have calpol in for eg) and for sure he should have come with outdoor gear

scaryhairydroopytits · 04/12/2011 00:15

I might have said yabu if I hadn't experienced ds1 give ds2 bronchiolitis at 9 days old earlier this year. Of course, there was nothing I could have done to stop this but you are right that coughs and colds can be very bad for small babies and a heads up would have been nice. My ds2 was hospitalised on breathing apparatus for 8 days.

AmberLeaf · 04/12/2011 00:15

YABU and I cant believe you are blaming every illness your DD gets on your DSS!

You do sound like you resent him too. you may well be lovely to him and care for him etc, but it seems as though resentment is simmering under the surface which given the circumstances is understandable but totally unfair on him.

I hope you overcome it before he picks up on it.

pooka · 04/12/2011 00:16

I think that yabu about dss coming to stay with a cough/cold. Thats life when you have children - they're filthy creatures and bugs do get passed around. Look on it as dss building up your dds' immunity. Wink

I think Ilovepigs is unreasonable for suggesting that you are a wicked stepmother and questioning the age gap/conception of the children. Incidentally, it is not outside the realms of possibility that the dss might be 7 nearly 8 and the dd only just 6 So nearly a 2 year age gap - not that it makes a difference to the op's query.

teenswhodhavethem · 04/12/2011 00:23

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Moominsarescary · 04/12/2011 00:24

She should have told you. I always tell exh if ds has a cold because he has other children there, in the same way he always tells me if his other children are ill so I can decide if ds should go down there as I have a young baby at home.

What realy pisses me off with threads about step family's is the jumping to conclusions of the op being the other women. Also many men and women have sex when they are not in a relationship, who are you to judge? It doesn't make the child any less loved and plenty of children grow up fine in single parent families

Oh and ds4 was conceived after a condom split do it does happen

KathyImLost · 04/12/2011 00:29

You've no way of knowing where kids get germs from. We only know that it takes a few days from getting the bug to displaying symptoms. The kid's mother should have warned you, so that you could get some calpol in, but it's not his fault. Perhaps stop looking to attribute blame for things which are no one's fault.

Tho FWIW, when he was conceived & when your daughter was conceived is no one's feckin business so ignore all that.