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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dss, his mum, sickness and a little baby, AIBU? I probably am.... <sigh>

107 replies

MrsRhettButler · 03/12/2011 14:57

hi, dss is 7, our dd1 is 6 and dd2 is 12 weeks.

Dss happens to be one of those children who is ill quite a lot (mainly normal snuffly nose stuff) dd1 is never ill unless she catches something from dss. (no exaggeration, she just doesn't pick things up from school and I think she only catches bugs from him as they are so close and always have their heads together over some book/computer game) I will admit to this annoying me, especially in the past when dd1 was younger but hey ho, these things happen, children catch bugs.

So now we have 12 week old dd2 and dss was dropped here yesterday and within 5 mins of him being here I noticed that he had a bad cough, very raspy voice and snot streaming from his nostrils. I noticed this after he had already kissed and hugged dd2.

Now, AIBU to think dss's mum should have AT LEAST pre warned us and really offered to keep him home this weekend? (now I know he is dp's son and that includes when he is ill but we are all very flexible about weekends and will swap and change whenever it suits any of us so no point saying 'but it was your weekend')

I'm actually quite annoyed that she didn't even warn us and he's also turned up without a coat, hat or gloves Hmm

OP posts:
JaneBirkin · 04/12/2011 12:54

We have to assume a lot from the OP's situation that we cannot know.

I think unless the child is only very slightly ill, (not as described in the OP - that sounds nasty) then it's probably best he stays away from other kids as much as possible.

JMO and what I would be happy with as his mother, well, as far as I can imagine.

Original poster
MrsRhettButler · 04/12/2011 13:55

I wouldn't expect her to inform us of every cold and sniffle he has. It's only because he seems so bad and dd2 is so small.

If he was my child I would have checked first.

I doubt he would feel banished at all, as I have explained we have a very changeable schedule anyway.

OP posts:
AnyoneforTurps · 04/12/2011 13:59

YABU -it's a cold, not rabies. Poor DSS Sad.

Original poster
MrsRhettButler · 04/12/2011 14:06

It's not a cold! I think peoples definition of a cold differs greatly. He has a sore throat and a really bad cough, by really bad I mean he has been up all night coughing and it's a really hoarse, raspy sounding cough :(

I've been giving him honey lemon and ginger and he can swallow fine today he says it doesn't hurt so bad as yesterday.

I wouldn't dream of complaining about a cold.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsRhettButler · 04/12/2011 14:08

Yes, poor dss because he's ill! I've been looking after him for the last two days, keeping him warm and getting him drinks, he's had a nice weekend watching dvd's on the sofa and doing painting with dd1, I'm not actually evil you know.

OP posts:
callmemrs · 04/12/2011 14:09

As his mother sent him without a coat, hat or gloves for a December weekend, he's arguably better cared for at his dads anyway.... The child has to be at the centre of this. If he is going to be better looked after at his dads house then it's probably the best place to be if he's under the weather

MerryMarigold · 04/12/2011 14:11

YABU. She is 12 WEEKS, not 12 days. I'd had malaria by the time I was that age! Grin

Original poster
MrsRhettButler · 04/12/2011 14:15

His mum does look after him very well callmemrs, she just happens to be someone who doesn't put being warm at the top of the list! Children being kept warm is one of those subjects that divides MN I've found and she and I are at opposite ends of the argument.

Merry, are you serious?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsRhettButler · 04/12/2011 14:16

The grin is throwing me! Grin

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 04/12/2011 14:18

Oh, AND it is very annoying when people 'trace' illnesses to this or that child. It really is impossible to tell where kids get their bugs from. I'm sure your dd puts her head close to people at school as well. I have a good friend who traces her kids' illnesses, and now I feel all uncomfortable around her if my kids have a slight sniffle and end up tip-toeing around her as far as illness is concerned, which I do resent.

AnyoneforTurps · 04/12/2011 14:18

Sorry, but I'm a GP and that's a cold (or upper respiratory tract infection if you want to get medical) in my book. The sore throat & cough are caused by the coryza (runny nose).

It's impossible to isolate babies from older children and unkind to your DSS to try.

MerryMarigold · 04/12/2011 14:19

I am serious!

callmemrs · 04/12/2011 14:19

Providing a 7 yr old with a coat for a december weekend is a basic though. She doesn't know whether he'll be in the garden, out with his dad... She may be a great mum in other ways, I have no idea, but thats just irresponsible

MerryMarigold · 04/12/2011 14:24

I would also send my kids to school with a bad cold (as long as they didn't have a temperature). At the point where they are bored lying on the sofa and watching TV then they are well enough for school in my book. I have kept ds1 off in the morning, given him a lie-in and taken him in the afternoon if he seems a bit better. No point missing a whole day of school unless absolutely necessary.

JaneBirkin · 04/12/2011 15:17

well, we're all different. Friends of mine think nothing to sending a child into school who was sick the previous day, for twelve hours...I just wouldn't.

MerryMarigold · 04/12/2011 15:23

they go to school for 12 hours? Shock

MerryMarigold · 04/12/2011 15:24

The school have a 24hr rule on D & V. No school till 24 hrs after it's over.

thisisyesterday · 04/12/2011 15:24

sick for 12 hours?

MerryMarigold · 04/12/2011 15:26

If any child was vomiting constantly for 12hrs, I don't think they'd be at the 'I'm bored on the sofa/ in bed' stage the next day, but if they were...

jellybeans · 04/12/2011 15:29

YABU

I have 2 x 9 year old boys and even when I tell them right before we leave to get their coat on, often they don't bring it! It's not just about neglect! Don't judge that.

Also, when my own kids had colds and i had a new baby, I just told them not to go right near DS or kiss him etc. but they could still be in same room etc! You can't keep kids with colds away as they get them so much! I know it's annoying when babies get colds as they often don't sleep BUT you should treat this little boy as your own, what would you do if your DD1 had a simelar cold?

Do you honestly love this little boy? Are you resentful at all?

I had a friend who resented her SDC and she actually said she wouldn't be bothered if they were killed in an accident. Since then I haven't bothered with her at all as I couldn't understand how resentful someone could be. same kids also 'ruined' her wedding just by being there! Another friend had pictures etc. round the room while they were dating but when they had their own DC they were soon taken down :(

JaneBirkin · 04/12/2011 15:30

No, no sorry I was writing quickly - it wasn't 12 hours, more like 7 or 8 hours.

And apparently the child seemed 'fine' the next morning, or at least they hoped he was as they took him into school.

I was with him later on after school and he was shattered Sad

I tend to give an extra day in case they have a relapse apart from anything else but some folk like to take chances.

JaneBirkin · 04/12/2011 15:32

Yes TIY that was it, I was talking about how long he was ill for, not how long he went to school for..

jellybeans · 04/12/2011 15:32

btw I meant to write on there I am NOT saying OP is like the 'friends' mentioned at all (I phrased it badly-sorry OP if you thought I was saying you were simelar to them-I don't think that whatsoever!)

MerryMarigold · 04/12/2011 15:37

Our school is only 6.5 hours and 1.5 of those is playtime. I think it's worth risking a child being more tired than usual after school, rather than missing twice as much school as necessary. They can always go to bed early. Hopefully when they are dh's age, they won't need a day off work for a cold, like he does Hmm!

gamerwidow · 04/12/2011 15:50

OP I think you're being a bit unreasonable but I can understand why you feel protective of your 12 week old baby.

It does just sound like DSS has a very bad cold which is a pain but ultimately not really threatening to anyone and not enough IMO to expect him to miss a visit.

It would have been nice if his mum could have warned you though. I know it's a completely different situation but if my DD had a bad cold I would still take her to the childminders but would warn the childminder she was poorly and I think you should have been shown the same consideration.