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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be completely fed up with one child in dd's class getting selected for EVERYTHING!

106 replies

jollymollie · 02/12/2011 19:27

There is a girl in dd's class (year 4) who ever since reception has been selected for everything. She is always the lead in every school play, she is on the school council, her entry is selected to win every school competition she enters and so on. A lot of the other parents are getting a tad fed up with this. DD came home today with the school play lines and once again the SAME child has the lead. I really resent spending another evening watching and applauding her performance whilst my dd and others don't even get a line to read. I am aware she may be the most confident or the best at remembering lines but surely the other children should get a chance. Other girls in the class are starting to feel that they are not as good as this one girl and some are quite upset that they have once again been overlooked. Does this go on at other schools and should we address it with the head?

OP posts:

mrsjay · 02/12/2011 19:31

you get that child at every school/class its annoying but the parents are usually on the pta etc or contribute to the school , I can remember my dd in primary 7 (scotland) she was at an art thing and this boy who was picked for everything was late for his speech so dd was asked , the said boy arrived dd was dropped like a hot potato she was very upset and i was LIVID !! im not sure there is anything you can do about it really . I heard rumours that when dd was in her last yr in high school the head boys parents were huge supporters of school funds , and dads business sponsered a football team ,

lurkinginthebackground · 02/12/2011 19:38

Are you absolutely sure that this girl gets picked for everything?
Perhaps you don't get to hear about what she doesn't get selected for. I'm not disagreeing with you but the school play is something you do remember, other things in the classroom might go unnoticed such as being the milk monitor. Sorry, it's a rubbish comparison but it is highlighting a point.
My dd is at high school and is always asked to perfom at open evenings, even those whch are not relevant to my dh and myself. She has a keen interest in the arts and has performed on stage in various venues so I am guessing the powers that be ask her because she is reliable and wants to do it.
Perhaps you could mention to the class teacher how much your dd loves the school play and would love to have a main part, in a casual, non pushy way. To be fair at dd's high school all parts have to be auditioned for which tends to go some way as to eliminate bias, although not completely and this seems a far better way of doing it.

marriedandwreathedinholly · 02/12/2011 19:43

Perhaps the girl can remember the lines and deliver them nicely, turn up for rehearsals and is generally reliable. I'm sorry that you feel she is raining on the parade of your children and perhaps the school has not managed things very well, for example, by chosing productions where there are lots of parts for all the children.

My ds was like this - picked for every solo, every major part, every big reading, every promotional photo, best bit of work, etc.. I even went in once to complain and it was a bit of a joke in the playground but everyone was always very nice and I was always very apologetic! I have never been on the pta or the governors. We moved him from the school and the same thing happened at the new school. All the teams, choirs, prefect of Junior school, etc.. Again we have never been hugely active supporters of the school and I really don't think it works like that.

DD was never chosen for much at primary school - there were other children with better voices, more confidence, more able. However, we have made sure she has gone to a secondary school where she can shine for the sake of her self esteeem and she has been picked very much.

DD doesn't have DS's raw talent or confidence but she does sing like an angel have a little more humility .

Esta3GG · 02/12/2011 19:47

There were 2 girls like this when I was at school - they were sisters. They dominated everything.

When we left school real life came as a terrible shock to them because they'd been given everything on a plate up till then.

Sometimes it is better to be the one waiting in the wings to have a go. It generates more drive and determination.

IDontDoIroning · 02/12/2011 20:03

There is one in my ds class he is in yr 6 now and this child had been star of the Xmas play etc every year since reception. Parents do f all for school though. I'm on PTA and the Governors etc and he doesn't get any favouritism - perversely it's nice as I can always tell people that.

Original poster

jollymollie · 02/12/2011 20:06

Yes, maybe she is really good at these things but how will the others ever get a chance to improve without encouragement? I really think there should be some system where things are shared out a bit more fairly and as this girl was the star last year why not give someone else a chance? I'm not saying my dd should get the leading role by any means but it would be nice to see others get encouraged. It's as if this girl is put on a pedestal. She was boasting to the other girls how she had got the best part in the play again. It just doesn't seem a great way to do things. At the end of term she came out of school with a cup just for being 'the best girl in yr 3!' It really doesn't make any sense to me.

OP posts:

Pixel · 02/12/2011 20:11

Hmm I know one of these too, since reception he's been in everything, you can guarantee he'll be in every single newsletter somewhere. It's always his poem/painting/essay that gets picked (and no he isn't a child genius), or there will be a photo of him grinning cheesily. It's a bit of a game in our family to spot him first!
This year he is head boy...

MrsCampbellBlack · 02/12/2011 20:12

A cup for being the best girl in year 3 - lordy thats awful.

I'd be raising that alone with the head.

Chundle · 02/12/2011 20:13

Yes this irritates the crap out of me. Also irritates me that at my dds last school ( I've moves her now thank god) they never let the ' naughty kids' have part in play at all!! Perhaps if they gave these kids and the more shy kids a chance then they would have something to feel proud of

noddyholder · 02/12/2011 20:14

This happened with a boy in ds's class when they were in primary school found out his parents had bought teh school a piano!

Haribojoe · 02/12/2011 20:15

There's one like that in DS class. At sports day the child was upset at not winning a race I overheard mother saying to child "It's good to let other people win sometimes".

Haven't got an issue with a child who is talented and that should certainly be recognised and rewarded but in this case it's the sense of entitlement that stuns me.

Original poster

jollymollie · 02/12/2011 20:15

That's exactly it, Chundle. If they showed the quieter ones a bit more encouragement they might be amazed at what they can do. Instead they keep pushing the loud, confident one forward. I don't suppose speaking with the head will make any difference. She'll probably just think it's sour grapes.

OP posts:

helpmabob · 02/12/2011 20:17

I think this is quite common and really appalling. School is a place for learning. So tell me how can children learn confidence, public speaking etc when they are never given the opportunity. Some shy people shine when given a stage, others can slowly gain more and more confidence given experience and trust. But these children are forced to stay in the shadows while the same kids get picked time and time again so the school can make sure their xmas (or whatever) production goes without a hitch.

If you ask me it is the hitches that makes these things memorable and alive. Priorities are all wrong and it makes me so

MrsCampbellBlack · 02/12/2011 20:17

You need to speak to the head - that cup is awful - seriously.

Original poster

jollymollie · 02/12/2011 20:19

It's not just me, there are a few parents who feel the same. I think I'll make an appointment next week. May not do any good but at least they'll realise we are not happy with the situation. Yes, I was astounded at the cup too!

OP posts:

jandymaccomesback · 02/12/2011 20:27

Happened at the school in the next village with the same girl being May Queen every year. Her Mum ran the PTA. It isn't fair.
I like your approach Pixel

rabbitfeet · 02/12/2011 20:34

You sound jealous. Maybe this child is just more talented than yours.

Pagwatch · 02/12/2011 20:34

I have had the child that gets picked for nothing and the child that gets picked for everything.

The child that gets picked for performance related stuff is good at it. The school spread roles out so as many children do something as possible. But she has had a couple of lead roles. I caught the drama teacher and asked actually, because having had the 'picked for nothing' child, I was a bit thrown.

She said that dd remembers every line and stage direction she gets given, loves every minute of it, is totally unflappable and is really good.

She is an average kid. This is the one thing she is good at - she is never the best in tests or when work is displayed. This is her thing.
The only thing that spoils it is the sneery stuff.

bubby64 · 02/12/2011 20:43

YANBU, but there is not a lot you can do about it unless you wish to make a great fuss! This happens at my DS's school, with a boy and girl in their class. When I ask who has won competions, or been picked for team Leader, or Junior Road officer, or doing the journilist bit for the village mag etc, etc etc they alway say "I &/or D of course"!!. It is them in the website photos as well. Don't get me wrong, they are both nice kids, but there are others in the class just as bright and work as hard, including (at times) my 2. My sons just accept that is how school life is.

JamieComeHome · 02/12/2011 20:47

jollie - it's crap. Our school mages to share things out reasonably well - and the lead they chose for last year's Year 6 play surprised everyone - really quiet girl who turned out to be brilliant. It sent her off to Secondary with confidence and kudos. Sometimes quieter children shine on stage.

JamieComeHome · 02/12/2011 20:47

manages

IloveJudgeJudy · 02/12/2011 20:50

Have three DC. Older two not really picked for much, younger one picked for all the plays, all the readings, singing solos, etc. It was because he was reliable, never dried up, always did what he was asked, went to extra rehearsals, etc. I was on the PTA for the whole of their primary school life. I'm sure it's nothing to do with the PTA, it's just some DC are able to perform on cue. If they did choose other DC sometimes, they dried up and got upset in public, so that was no fun for anybody.

LizzieMo · 02/12/2011 21:00

This happened at my DDs class. I mentioned to the teacher that my DD was despondant because despite volunteering for everything, she got picked for nothing, and yet the same few children were always picked. Turns out several others parents had also made the same point (so I did not come across as the lone nutter) Things are a bit more evenly spread now. I would advise you to raise it- but from the point of view of your child not feeling encouraged, rather than slagging off the child who does get picked.

boaty · 02/12/2011 21:07

Unfortunately not a new thing, when the DC were at school it happened too. DS1 was in a school with the son of an actor (tv and theatre), his son was the 'star' of everything, admittedly he was a good all rounder, in the last year of the junior school they had the annual musical in which DS1 had a role which wasn't a big one, he was so good, (very funny) that he stole the show. The other boys dad very generously praised him afterwards in front of staff.
DS2 was a very good choral singer but always overlooked at junior school although they knew he sang out of school. DS2 was always sidelined in favour of the boy whosemothervolunteeredforhelpingwithmusic who took all the lead parts, DS2 usually not included at all, until they were given free reign to entertain parents and sang together. DS2 was then the 'star'. One teacher commented "DS2 shouldn't have hidden his talent" I replied " He didn't! You chose to ignore it in favour of others, your loss!"
By the time I got to DD I was resigned to it being an inevitable part of school life!
Very frustrating when you impress the importance of doing their best on DC but regardless of their abilities they are overlooked in favour of the clique children!

boaty · 02/12/2011 21:08

darned strikethrough!

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