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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be completely fed up with one child in dd's class getting selected for EVERYTHING!

106 replies

jollymollie · 02/12/2011 19:27

There is a girl in dd's class (year 4) who ever since reception has been selected for everything. She is always the lead in every school play, she is on the school council, her entry is selected to win every school competition she enters and so on. A lot of the other parents are getting a tad fed up with this. DD came home today with the school play lines and once again the SAME child has the lead. I really resent spending another evening watching and applauding her performance whilst my dd and others don't even get a line to read. I am aware she may be the most confident or the best at remembering lines but surely the other children should get a chance. Other girls in the class are starting to feel that they are not as good as this one girl and some are quite upset that they have once again been overlooked. Does this go on at other schools and should we address it with the head?

OP posts:
LennyGodber · 02/12/2011 21:11

I got picked for everything and was generally top or near the top of the class. It made my life a misery tbh because of this kind of attitude. "You swot/spoff/suckup/teacher's pet/spoilt" etc etc. Nothing I had done to deserve it, was quiet, shy, just good at schoolwork/reading lines/remembering things/music. Other parents quite sneery towards me - I was quite a perceptive child and it hurt me a lot that adults seemed to dislike me so much.

By high school I felt like a pariah and was very unhappy. I ended up throwing tests deliberately, always getting one or two things wrong on purpose, not trying in lessons or at homework because it made me the target for bullying. I was only too happy to let others take the spotlight once I was more anonymous in a bigger school and will always regret giving up music and drama (which I enjoyed) because of bullying.

My parents did nothing for PTA, etc - my mum once volunteered to help on school trip and spent whole time chain smoking and popping Anadin whilst muttering "never again".

LennyGodber · 02/12/2011 21:13

Very much agree with LizzieMo. Please try and reframe as your kids not getting a go rather than horrid dominating brats being some sort of prepubescent Illuminati.

hmc · 02/12/2011 21:19

Good post helpmabob. I do know what you mean op and unlike one particular poster don't think you sound jealous - you are merely advocating equality of opportunity. Agree that some of the more reticent children rise to the challenge when given the chance.

JamieComeHome · 02/12/2011 21:22

Lenny - I sympathise with your situation - the adults really let you down.

LennyGodber · 02/12/2011 21:31

Thanks Jamie but I dunno, my parents were just proud that I got picked for stuff and the teachers liked me so were oblivious I think. I did have some friends (still got the same best mate :) ) but sometimes they had to disassociate themselves from me to avoid social death!

I reckon it's very poor of teachers not to cop on that they're doing this though, they are setting up golden child and overlooking the others. We had to audition for stuff and there were a couple of kids ("naughty" girl and very quiet boy) who were fantastic actors and got rave reviews in stuff, I think my teachers/parents just didn't realise how miserable I was as I hid it well. I still "hide my light under a bushel" a bit though because I don't want anyone to hate me if I can avoid it.

have just noticed the "best girl in y3" post - wtf? Is the school run by Michael gove himself? complain OP complain! (but cut golden girl a bit of slack, it's not her fault)

Sixyearoldwoes · 02/12/2011 21:59

Just a thought-do the same children get picked over and over for sporting events? Tends to be the case in schools I'm involved with and people seem to have no trouble with the best sportsperson being picked for the job. But with plays and other things then the plum jobs should be shared around. Why the difference? Shouldn't the best person be picked? Or at least change sports teams to have a "give everyone a turn" ethos too?

troisgarcons · 02/12/2011 22:05

Lennie - there is always one child who is a rounded indvidual (like yourself) who has the ability to stand up infrontof others and not be unnerved. Generally they are the more errudite and accomplished ones.

Normal parents, like myself, just enjoys seeing all the hard work pupils have put into plays/concerts/assemblies without think our own darlings are the next Daniel Radcliffe/Aled Jones/Vanessa Mae

SageMist · 02/12/2011 22:36

There is always a child like this. The same thing happened in my dd's previous school. The golden girl won every competition and was always given the lead in any play.
One year though, the golden girl was in the lead role as always, but another child stole the show with her outstanding performance. You have never seen so many parents rushing to congratulate the the mother of the interloper! So things can change!

WorraLiberty · 02/12/2011 22:40

I think you need to break it down...

If she's on the school council, she would have been voted on by class mates

If she's always getting the lead in the play, then yes something should be said to the teacher to give others a chance.

If your child never gets a line to read, that too should be raised with the teacher.

The school competitions is a tough one. Are they randomly selected from a hat or is it actual work that's entered and is of a higher standard than the other entrants?

grovel · 02/12/2011 22:45

Some teachers want to put on the best school play. Some teachers want to put on the most inclusive school play. Both are reasonable. Both are tough for kids.

manicinsomniac · 02/12/2011 22:46

I'm a drama teacher and I think it's totally wrong to select a play that has one star and the rest of the children don't get a look in.

We have children who always seem to get a large part but they're always one of 5 or 6 leads, never the only one.

I can admit to finding it to hard to let the teacher in me drown out the actress (ie I want to see the best job done artistically and have to fight with myself to give a child a part for self esteem or social reasons rather than pure talent) and I do think it's important that talented children should shine. But there should always be a range of parts with varying amounts to learn, quite a few large parts and plenty for the chorus to do.

Whatmeworry · 02/12/2011 22:50

It took me a while to work out the correlation between PTA membership and selection for teams, roles etc at DCs primary school. It gets harder for the parents to keep it up as they get older.

A1980 · 02/12/2011 23:27

TBH parents will always have something to gripe about. If good parts were given to someone elses child rather than this girl, there'd be something else for you all to moan about.

I remember moving from another part of the country to start a new school in about October. I was 6-7 years old. I guess it was to make me feel welcome and to give me a chance to be known: the teachers gave me the part of Mary in the school nativity play. Far from being kind, some of the other paretns were furious that they gave the lead part to the "new girl" when their DC's had been at tthe school since they were 4 years old. Thankfully alot of the other parents had some sense in their heads and the mother of the boy who played Joseph thought I was lovely Smile. You just can't win. They were pissed off that a child with no history of getting anything at the school got it.

You have no idea why this child gets everything. It may not be because her parents are involved with the school. It is hard to get a child to learn lines and deliver them well. Perhaps she volunteers for alot of things. Also what of your own DC's? You must know that they may often agree with you to your face and not when you're not there. Children are very different at school when they aren't with you. You aren't there to monitor. Perhaps some of them would sooner die than have the lead part. Perhaps they don't volunteer for anything and dont' want it.

I would though say something off hand if you must. A throw away comment to the teachers but one that makes your point.

A1980 · 02/12/2011 23:31

Re the school competitions, it depends.

If they're randomly selected, such as out of a hat, then it's highly improbable that she's winning by chance every time. I would say something about that.

If the competitions are based on merit, then it's a little unfair. Hers can't always be the best everyt ime.

seeker · 02/12/2011 23:35

Well, if in your school being active on th PTA gets your child picked for things ( it doesn't actually, but feel free to think it does) why don't you get active n th PTA and stop leaving all the work for other people. Then your child will, by your reasoning, gt picked for things too.

CocktailQueen · 02/12/2011 23:38

mrsjay - what a loads of codswallop!! At our dc's school all children are given equal chances to read things out and act in the open assemblies/school plays. If they are sensible enough - if not, they are given something else do to do.

It's sod all to do with being on the PTA FGS - why not try it yourself and see how it works out????? I get fed up being on our PTA in a school of 300 kids and only 15 parents on the bloody PTA... Angry

whatdoiknowanyway · 02/12/2011 23:38

My DD are quite sporty and their school has sports awards every year. DD1 has a friend who was particularly talented at school sports - and also a thoroughly nice, hard working girl. DD1 also loved school sports but her main 2 sports were ones the school did not focus on and so many of her achievements got overlooked..
First sports awards DD got 4 nominations and won one. Friend won about 5 out of seven, one PE teacher leading the standing ovation as she went up to collect the final award.
Same thing the following year. There was no hope of any girl winning an award if sporty friend was also nominated, and she usually was nominated.
Then we got a questionnaire from the school asking for our opinion on everything. I added a big comment about the focus on one child's achievementss to the detriment of everyone else. The impact on my child's morale was quite significant (lots more in background re PE teachers' attitudes on day to day issues). I stressed no one wanted to take anything away from the child in question - she really is a lovely young person - but the school needed to give others the chance to show what they could do too.
It did seem to have an impact, things got slightly better. It's important to speak out but I never liked to before the survey as each incident felt very trivial in itself, however the cumulative effect was significant.

sphil · 02/12/2011 23:42

Ds1 has a major part in the Christmas play this year for the first time ever. They had to audition and he did well. By coincidence he also made the best vehicle ( with a a friend) in a recent DT project. He is a quiet child who doesn't stand out academically ( he's dyspraxic ) and these two things have made such a HUGE difference to his confidence. I cannot describe how happy he is at the moment, and it is because he is getting praise and recognition from his peers and from teachers. It is such a shame that every child cannot, at some time in every school year, be given this kind of positive reinforcement - it makes such a difference.

smithereenies · 02/12/2011 23:45

I understand where the OP is coming from and think the best girl in the class prize sounds terrible!
Fwiw at my dd's school the big roles in the school play are chosen by taking names out of a hat - and always have a big role for a boy and one for a girl..my dd didn't get a big role this year but was at pains to explain how 'fair' the casting was which I was really pleased with...

manicinsomniac · 02/12/2011 23:52

smithereenies - wow, I could never run a play that was quite THAT inclusive! It would drive me insane. Hats off to your childrens' school. Out of interest, do they also choose the children for the sports teams by picking out of a hat?

smithereenies · 03/12/2011 00:17

My dd is only in year 2 so not lots of competitive team sports yet. But they do have winners at the races on sports day - although last year all the oldest children held hands as a class in their race so there was no winner..they are certainly very into fairness in other areas, and have about 3 or 4 sn kids in each class if that makes any difference

flyingspaghettimonster · 03/12/2011 00:58

I think they give the part to that girl everytime because if they didn't, she'd still the show anyhow. Some kids have so much charisma it doesn't matter what role they are in, they will act on the stage and make the parents laugh and generally be a nuisance, so the teacher is best off casting the show off in a role that requires a drama queen. It would be worse if your little girl played Mary and a shepherd stole the show by acting up...

flyingspaghettimonster · 03/12/2011 00:58

still = steal, confound it all...

ShengdanRoad · 03/12/2011 04:42

The cream always rises to the top.

scrivette · 03/12/2011 05:17

I was that child at Primary School, my three friends and I were chosen to do everything. I often think that the other parents must have been fed up with it, It was a real shock when I went to Secondary School and became just an average girl who wasn't really picked for things and it took quite a while to get used to.