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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be completely fed up with one child in dd's class getting selected for EVERYTHING!

106 replies

jollymollie · 02/12/2011 19:27

There is a girl in dd's class (year 4) who ever since reception has been selected for everything. She is always the lead in every school play, she is on the school council, her entry is selected to win every school competition she enters and so on. A lot of the other parents are getting a tad fed up with this. DD came home today with the school play lines and once again the SAME child has the lead. I really resent spending another evening watching and applauding her performance whilst my dd and others don't even get a line to read. I am aware she may be the most confident or the best at remembering lines but surely the other children should get a chance. Other girls in the class are starting to feel that they are not as good as this one girl and some are quite upset that they have once again been overlooked. Does this go on at other schools and should we address it with the head?

OP posts:

Rhubarbgarden · 03/12/2011 13:57

But this is just life isn't it? I was always confident and enthusiastic at school but rather lacking in talent. So my school sports 'career' was spent as a reserve on the rounders team, and despite being Miss Reliability at choir rehearsals I was always put in the chorus for performances while the prima donnas with the good voices who only turned up to rehearse when they felt like it always got the lead roles. But I wouldn't have expected anything else! It prepared me for real life and on those occasions when I did get to take a major role because someone was sick, I really appreciated it.

marriedandwreathedinholly · 03/12/2011 13:59

Actually my worst primary school moment with ds (who got picked for everything) was the Daffodil competition. The night before, DS said "I need to take the daffodil in tomorrow - the one you said you would put in the shed" and I said "oh yes that daffodil". Knowing it was the daff still in the brown paper bag under the sink long forgotten. Early next morning I dug up a daff from the garden and stuck it in a pot - any old daff and certainly not the most glorious in full bloom - no thought about it's condition at all. DS walked out with a beaming smile and 1st prize - the bud in the warmth of the hall had opened beautifully by lunchtime. .

myalias · 03/12/2011 14:18

This reminds me of a child my ds went to school with, chosen for every single play, reading, spelling B and bungee jump One year there was a Christmas drawing/colouring competion and the child came 3rd. The mum and dad were livid and demanded to speak to the headmaster to ask why her child had come 3rd when it was obviously the best picture.

I went to school with the most beautiful girl, perfect manners, intelligent and a fantastic singer. She was picked for everything, even to appear on a children's tv programme. She did have a brief career acting and dancing in the West End. Fast forward decades later and I bumped into her at a school reunion. After having a long reminisce about school life and how popular she was, she said she was embarrassed about the attention she got from the teachers and thought that some of us were far more clever and talented than her. When we told her what we are doing now and about our children she said her one wish would have been to have children

NorfolkNCarolSingers · 03/12/2011 15:01

I have a feeling DD might become one of these.

She is only 2 and already an insufferable show-off extremely confident "performer". She is the only one who will dance on cue for the nursery Christmas show, after her performance last year aged ONE she was promoted in her part this year.

Get's right on my tits as the costumes are a sodding nightmare (calling bird anyone?) and I simply don't have the time or skills to do it!

Pixel · 03/12/2011 16:37

mrsjay, the thing is, this is the first year the school has even had a head boy (has just become an Academy and got delusions of grandeur), and of course it had to be him.

lurkinginthebackground · 04/12/2011 00:07

Interesting thread.
With regards to my ds's school football team places were only supposedly given out to children who attended all trials. Except for the very talented boy who didn't attend all trials but yet still got on the team.
Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that he had already been scouted by every football team within any reasonable travelling distance and asked to play for their youth squads. Also when he played for the same local team as my ds, he made a huge difference to their performance. So when it came to the crunch the school bent the rules to accomodate him.

Same thing happened at dd's dance school. A girl who didn't turn up for all rehearsals still got the main parts in the show. The dance teacher had assured the others that under no circumstances would anyone who didn't come to every rehearsal be at the front, never mind get the main part.This girl went on to get a bursary for one of the main theatre schools in London, a very famous one. So it does happen in all areas of life.

mrsjay · 04/12/2011 01:07

mrsjay, the thing is, this is the first year the school has even had a head boy (has just become an Academy and got delusions of grandeur), and of course it had to be him.

i think we have to just sigh and accept these children dont we , although dd2 is a bit of a performer and not that shy so she does get picked to do stuff in high school she would never make head girl though.

Circlethekeys · 04/12/2011 03:05

I was that kid in school. My school took drama very seriously and from about age 7 I had a big part or was the lead in anything we did right up to leaving school. I sang so every church thing assembly was the same thing. I never put myself forward it was just expected of me by my drama teacher by the principal. I was a quiet girl just good at some things and they happened to be things that made the school look good. My parents were not particularly involved in the school.
The end result was huge resentment from both kids and parents ( who had no problem telling me ) I literally had no friends. I left school and have never had contact with any of my classmates, I also never sang or acted again.
The bullying / exclusion made a big impact on my life for a long time.
Anyway I just thought I'd say things like that aren't always how the seem.

Whatmeworry · 04/12/2011 09:46

Well, if in your school being active on th PTA gets your child picked for things ( it doesn't actually, but feel free to think it does)

As I said it took me a while to spot the correlation. In things like these I have found the "sharp elbowed parent" explanation is a damn good starting assumption. The PTA may not be the method at your school but it's worth working out how it works.

AnotherMincepie · 04/12/2011 11:06

Please don't assume this is always the case though - certainly wasn't for me, or by the sound of it for Circleofkeys. I just enjoyed learning (unfashionable swot) and didn't have pushy parents. It's hurtful when people make this assumption and shun you when it's actually not true. The sharp-elbowed ones are those who want to bring down those they see as competition - whether or not anyone else saw it as a competition.

I have found the "sharp elbowed parent" explanation is a damn good starting assumption.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 04/12/2011 13:42

Oh I miss my boy being a sheep, he made the most adorable sheep with his little white tights (piccy on profile )

He was a king last year and a camel the year before, he's slowly climbing the ranks it seems. Just not the same tho.

SardineQueen · 04/12/2011 13:58

I don't see the problem with giving the children who are good at acting the key roles.
Same I don't have any problem with giving children who are good at particular sports key positions / prizes
And children who are good at maths those things
And so on
As long as they have things to make children feel good about achievement, effort, and softer things like following rules, helping others and so on.

The children on here who were "picked" and got picked on by children and adults because of it - that's just appalling.

albertcamus · 04/12/2011 17:24

jolly - the 'princess' in my DS's class, who dominated everything from Year 1 - Year 13 for his yeargroup, was the youngest offspring of the local solicitor & his highly aspirational wife. Their elder two children had disappointed them by daring to not be TOP at all subjects, preferring to be normal children & all that goes with it, including refusing to be hot-housed etc.

This youngest one had no choice, and was pushed, praised, paraded around & informed that she was obviously the best thing since sliced bread.

We had the misfortune to be after them in the alphabet which meant 12 years of waiting with growing impatience while all teachers sang 'Jemima's' (not real name obviously) praises at great length, leaving approx. 1.5 minutes to tell us that our quiet & intelligent but highly lazy son was underachieving !

We became resigned to this, as the mother was widely known as the leading light in any given committee from the PTA to the Ladies' Circle etc. etc., a force of nature who was utterly determined that her children would achieve all that she hadn't, regardless of whether they wanted to, or were able to.

ANYWAY ... fast forward 20 years ... by the age of 19 she was a heroin addict in the nearest city. Absolutely f*ing tragic, actually.

I don't think these pushy mothers, or some teachers who endorse and allow the pushiness, actually realise what they are storing up for the future. The last I heard the poor girl had dropped out of uni and was in rehab.

I wouldn't mind betting she will parent her children, if she has any, differently to her own experience.

ll31 · 04/12/2011 19:37

in primary school I definitely think that if you're doing a play in class - everyone should have roles - not that hard to do... similarly for sports =- either involve everyone or don't do it. And I do think the whole pta / parent who's constantly at school has a lot to do with it.. ...

ll31 · 04/12/2011 19:38

meant to say in my opinion these shows in primary school or indeed sports aren't about making school look good - or they shoujldn't be - they're about giving all children an opportunity they'll benefit from

fastweb · 04/12/2011 19:44

my mum once volunteered to help on school trip and spent whole time chain smoking and popping Anadin whilst muttering "never again"

Woman after my own heart.

ithaka · 04/12/2011 20:10

My DH actually turned down the role of Head Boy at school! Which is very 'him' - he never volunteers for or gets involved in anything.

DH is clever, good looking and sporty, but wierdly lacking in confidence. I was plain and unsporty at school and never picked for anything, but I am a much more confident 'have a go' adult.

The moral - maybe these things don't have as big an impact as you think and we can all stop worrying about it.

Circlethekeys · 04/12/2011 20:29

We didn't have a PTA I meant to mention that.

musicposy · 04/12/2011 20:32

They should be making it more equal, but I'm not sure how you can go about it.

My DD2 was one of these golden children in infant school and I hated it, tbh, because it just made resentment from other children and parents. She was picked for every play, every assembly for the main role. She won every competition and even when they had things like Christmas parties seemed to win all the prizes. She was on the school council too. She had the same teacher through the whole of infants and this teacher seemed to idolize her. It freaked me out a bit that someone else seemed to be a bit obsessed with the wonderfulness of my child - that's a parent's job! I always felt the teacher should have made things more equal.

DD2 is a confident child and has since done lots of theatre work etc, but I'm not convinced that other children couldn't have done as good a job at the time, if they'd only been given the chance.

Do you know the mum? She may be as uncomfortable as you are - but how on earth you broach it I really don't know. You could speak to the school, but you'd have to word it very carefully.

Cherriesarelovely · 04/12/2011 20:36

Mmmm! Frustrating situation and difficult to know what to suggest. If she really is getting the lead in ALL the plays maybe you could find a way of saying something. My DD is really into drama and so has had probably more than her fair share BUT her new teacher is so incredibly fair and sensible that he puts the names of all the children interested in a part and puts them in a hat and chooses them like that. I think that is so lovely.

However, if she is on the school council then she must have been voted for by the other children which is fair and democratic.

CaptainRex · 04/12/2011 20:36

We have one of these too, in Jr's year, the child who is always the lead in the plays, and also top in all the sports. The childs mum is sadly a teacher at the school, and even the pupils have noticed the obviously favouritism from the other teachers.

It did make me smile tho when Jr got picked for another non speaking nativity part last year, and a PTA's child was doing the speaking in the front, but Jr out performed this other child off the stage

DartsAgain · 04/12/2011 21:07

The teachers at DD's primary school did try to spread things about a bit (and still do). When it came to performances, the children in older years were asked to try out for parts, and DD was always in the background. Until the last performance in Yr 6, when she got the main part and she came out of her shell and shone . Her confidence grew when quite a few parents congratulated her on her acting, and she carried that confidence into secondary school.

DS, meanwhile, is in Yr 3, and if previous years are any sign, he'll be a sheep or something.....

As for any correlation, I was a parent governor all the time DD was in the background, and my 4 years had been up well before the kids were selected for the last performance.

Actually for last years KS1 performance, the part of Mary had gone to a child who was in the SN unit, who is normally very shy, and she carried it off superbly a lovely little girl.

albertcamus · 04/12/2011 21:16

fastweb lol ! I like your mum ! (I'm a teacher btw !)

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 04/12/2011 21:34

My eldest is that child but then again, to my annoyance (because I hated 'that' child at school also) I can see why. DC is bright, confident, has the ability to remember lines and is naturally sociable chatty and talented. I can see that it would grate on other parents that DC does get all these opportunities but, speaking purely for my DC, they are earned through hard work and natural ability.

I'm skint, I am not on the PTA and to be honest barely set foot in school unless I have to

UniS · 04/12/2011 22:27

DS wins competitions- because he enters them, precious few other children do. You go to the village show and its the same 3 or 4 kids who enter every year and yes, those 3 or 4 kids win all the kids classes.

I have to assume from teh school newsletter that there are only 3 or 4 kids who enter the photo comp/ the caption comp/ the team name comp as well as it's always the same few names there too.

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