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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to get up earlier, than on weekdays, on a Sunday to take my children to church. Particularily on Christmas day?

108 replies

twinklingfairy · 01/12/2011 21:59

My thread titles are always rubbish. Half way down the thread I think, god I wish I hadn't called it that it is so misleading!

Anyway.
2 children 5yr and 3yr old.
We have to be up and out, like most other people, for school.
So 5 days out of 7 we rush around getting there on time (just).
Mine are like me. They Love their sleep!
I often have to wake them to get them going.
We normally take the car so we get there by the skin of our teeth.

I was brought up catholic and the nearest church is in the next town, 10min car journey.
So, to get there would mean getting up even earlier on a Sunday.

but, Sunday school is straight after and I don't feel I can just drop them there and not bother with the whole church thing.
Unless I take them in at 630 for an hour long service, thus making them late to bed by the time we are done. Only to hustle them out the door for 10am Sunday School.

AIBU to tell my parents, no, sorry it is just not that important to me. I am a lapsed catholic. Gave it up the minute I left home.
My dad told me tonight that we had to 'talk' about it.Hmm
I asked was that one of those 'talks' where I don't get to 'talk' he said , No.
He seemed pleasant enough about it, but I have a foreboding feeling, dun dun duuuun.

It has come up because I have been very brave and told them that we are not coming to them for christmas day. That we will be spending it at home so that the children have a relaxed day.
My mum tried to guilt me into coming in (well, it worked last year) but I withstood the onslaught and braved my way through all 3 attempts (your sister will be very disappointed. Your father will miss you. I would like to see the children on Christmas day too)
But I have been tripped by the final hurdle.
Will you be bringing them in to Mass?

Doof, wallop < I have fallen>

My line was
If my children don't get up until 8 am on a normal day, and I doubt they will on christmas day (though, I may be wrong of course) then are you suggesting that I say, Yes, Your Santa sacks are in the Living room but you can't look at them cos you have to get dressed as quickly as you can, we have to go to church!

Or, yes yes dear that is lovely. Isn't Santa nice! Now eat some food and leave it all alone, we have to go, Now!

It doesn't seem fair to me?

Their line
It is Christmas day, Twinkling.
Christs day.
It is not about the presents?

AIBU
They have a point it is Christs day afterall
Or am I being stupidly weak Sad

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 01/12/2011 22:03

you should do what YOU want to do.

if you felt strongly about your faith I imagine you would want to go to church and it wouldn't be an issue to get up early, even (especially?) on christmas day.

but you don't. you are lapsed. you don't want to go and what's more it really doesn't fit in with your day.

it's nothing to do with your parents. they can want you to go to church as much as they like, but it's YOUR life and your children and you are free to live it as you see fit. and if that means staying home on christmas day then so be it.

am pretty sure God doesn't care if you go to church on Christmas day anyway.

RainboweBrite · 01/12/2011 22:04

Look, you decide what's best for you and your children. Don't let them guilt trip you. If you want to go to Mass, go. If not, don't. But it's your decision, not your parents. Remember as well that Christmas Mass times are often different from normal, so you might find one that is on at a decent time. I usually take my DS to one that's on at 5 p.m. on Christmas Eve, for example.

MenopausalHaze · 01/12/2011 22:05

Are they not a little young for full blown Mass? I'd have thought they were tbh - a full service would be awfully long for them and insufferable for everyone else when they start to fidget.

iggi999 · 01/12/2011 22:09

Mass is at 9am? You need to join a church that doesn't hold services at an (ungodly) hour!
I do think it is ok to take such young children to Sunday school without the church service - they are very wee to do both. I do like church on Christmas day though - have you checked if the services are on at the same time as usual?

Smallstuff · 01/12/2011 22:12

I am C of E and we are regular church goers but we do not do a Christmas day service. We always go on Christmas eve (there are two crib services in which my Dc always take part). In my view that is enough for them. I would love to go to the midnight service but it's not practical until they are older.
It doesn't mean that my Dc don't know the real meaning of Christmas but we just can not fit it into the day.
It's your decision and your life and your kids lives. It's not for yourmparents to decide! I think you are right to stick to your guns.

Cherriesarelovely · 01/12/2011 22:16

Please do what feels right and meaningful for you and your Dcs OP. You are your own person. I don't come from a religious family so don't have experience of the pressure you are facing but your parents ought to respect you as a person in your own right.

EdithWeston · 01/12/2011 22:16

If you have to drive get to church anyhow, is there another one within striking distance with more convenient service times?

TheFallenMadonna · 01/12/2011 22:16

Midnight mass, surely, for Catholics.

There is usually an early one.

We go to "midnight" mass on Christmas Eve and the Anglican church on Christmas morning (we are a mixed marriage Wink)

But if you don;t go to church, then don't go!

AnyoneforTurps · 01/12/2011 22:17

I'm not religious now but, as a child, I loved going to church on Christmas Day - it added to the occasion. However the service was held at a sensible time (10 or 11) so plenty of time for stockings first.

Isn't there another church you could go to? Does it really have to be Catholic? I'm C of E but went to many R.C services as a child.

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 01/12/2011 22:17

Agree if it's what you want to do then you find a way to do it. If its not important to you then don't. It's none of your parents' business.

I know what you mean though. We're out on Sunday just as early as on weekdays and I miss my lie in but the family mass is 9.30 so that's the one we prefer to go to. But it's a choice we make because it's important to us. Simple as that.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 01/12/2011 22:21

I know what you mean. Since I started working 6 days a week, I hate having to do the getting up and rushing around shouting at everyone on the Sunday, but feel really guilty about it, especially as dc really enjoy the children's mass, where they meet all their friends, and I know I should make the effort, since I sent them to catholic school Blush

Quite like taking them to church on Christmas day, though. They are usually up at silly O'clock, and rip into all their presents. I have a cup of coffe and enjoy watching them, then the dc, dad and I go to mass, while DH cleans up all the paper etc and cooks breakfast for us coming back Grin

FredFredGeorge · 01/12/2011 22:34

You're a lapsed Catholic you has no interest in taking her children to a mass on Christmas day - so why are you even considering it. Just say no, what is there to discuss, for almost anyone 9am on Christmas day is a pretty silly time to have a service, let alone lapsed people...

Original poster
twinklingfairy · 01/12/2011 22:36

There is a church that is just over the road but Cof E I think.
I wonder if this would appease or annoy.

I guess probably annoy because I would be going against their faith and scuppering their secret plans to ask us up for breakfast after church.

Cannot find any information anywhere about what time Christmas mass is.

I am weak Sad and really not very good at saying No to my parents. I had felt that I had done so well just to get our plans accepted, now it all feels pressured againSad

You're a bad Catholic Twink, bad catholicAngry

OP posts:
Original poster
twinklingfairy · 01/12/2011 22:42

They, my parents, want them to have some sort of church direction. Actually strike that. They want them brought up catholic.
I think I thought I did too, but the reality is that I just don't care enough.
It filled my life with guilt.

I would like them to know about and believe in god, and that they must strive to be good people, but not that there are so many things they ought not to do.
I know a few stories.
I went to catholic school P1 to P5.
But honestly, I know very little about what it is to be a catholic so why would I make my children follow it?

I am the third child of four.
2 of us are reasonably devout, my big bro takes his 3yr old along every week, I think.
My sis? I am not sure how much she goes herself, but she was always a little more devout than me wanted to please my parents more
My oldest bro, athiest. Thinks it's all a load all bull.
Which one is the black sheep do you thinkHmm?

OP posts:
cunexttuesonline · 01/12/2011 22:48

YANBU it sounds grim. Plus, it's not christ's day. It's not his real birthday, and anyway, the Christians just hijacked a pagan festival which already had a tree and a feast and called it their own.

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/12/2011 22:50

If you are old enough to have two children, you are definitely old enough to tell your parents 'no'. And you are definitely old enough to decide whether you want to go to chapel (or not).

You don't want to get up this early on a Sunday. You are doing it to please your parents and for no other reason, by the sound of it. You don't have to do it!

cunexttuesonline · 01/12/2011 22:51

Oh jeez, don't bring them up as catholic if you are not into it, guilt inducing cult that it is Wine

habbibu · 01/12/2011 22:54

If you only went to Catholic school P1 - P5, your parents can't be that hardcore, surely?

habbibu · 01/12/2011 22:55

And in fairness, you can teach your children to strive to be good people without bringing a god into it at all.

Original poster
twinklingfairy · 01/12/2011 22:55

DH says that Christ was actually born in September.
So why did they hijack it?
Cos the tree has a start at the top?

OP posts:
Angelswings · 01/12/2011 22:55

I can't absolve you as I'm not a catholic, but I can tell you that at our CofE church where DH is Vicar we do not expect the faithful to attend all the services. There is Christingle, Carol service, midnight mass and Christmas day. Some come to most, some to just one.

It's more about the heart than the attendance

We also welcome all, RC, lapsed RC, no faith, other faith

You are your own family, a new family has new ways of being. As an adult make your own decision

iggi999 · 01/12/2011 22:57

Twinkling I wouldn't know where to start with your post. Do you think Christians hijacked Christmas trees?

habbibu · 01/12/2011 22:58

I think because midwinter festivals are common and popular (a nice thing to do in the dark days) and if you're looking to convert a population you really don't want to take away all their fun, or they'll tell your religion where it can go. So you appropriate it as your own (pretty effectively, as you can see) and people get to keep their midwinter merriment, and believe in your god.

joanofarchitrave · 01/12/2011 23:00

God not even my parents would have made us go to church before STOCKINGS (we had to go to church before the main presents, but tbh all the silly fun stuff was in the stockings).

Something I always admired the Catholic church for was the number of masses they had available on a Sunday - is it different at Christmas? At college I always had to get up at ridiculous o'clock to go to Anglican chapel whereas my much more devout Catholic friend would go to a relaxed 5pm mass.

Afraid you have to accept that either you will stress yourself or your family out doing what you don't want to do, and potentially get the small glow of parental pleasing, or you will upset your parents. You don't get to live your own life and never upset anybody else, it can't be done. I do sympathise, though.

cunexttuesonline · 01/12/2011 23:01

haha, twinkling, I meant that they hijacked the winter festival, we can still party to brighten up the dark days with a nice twinkly tree and some yummy food with nothing to do with christ. Just mentioned it as you said 'its christs day after all', which is not what I celebrate.

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