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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am Not BU ...I know I'm not! Tell me if I am though!!! (feck, a long one!!!)

157 replies

troisgarcons · 30/11/2011 20:46

I don't do real anger IRL - I save my Victor Meldew moments for dramatic effect Grin. But I've gone past being miffed to bloody annoyed today to just a bit wound up at the moment!

So not so much of an AIBU (although you can tell me if am) more of a "give me a subtle and diplomatic form of words for tomorrow"

Back story - had a lot of building work done in the house necessitating a massive clear out of all that stuff you may keep.

I had a very expensive set of Disney books, roughly £300 worth plus a complete set of republished Ladybird ABC books, which were used by my 3 boys. All still immaculate (no turned corners, no broken spines, scribbles etc) because this is a book loving house. So they ranged from pre-school learning the alphabet, to building upon it and through to roughly aged 9 (ish) - and they were predominantly male orientated books.

My children have outgrown those books and I'm beyond cluttering the loft for 10 years in case grandchildren appear.

As you know I work in a school, which has a high SEN in take, many children still have a reading age of 5-7 despite being in Y9. I spoke with one of the lead LSAs - lovely, she said, bring them in, our books are a bit shoddy.

Took them in this morning, left them with the other lead LSA (who knew I was donating these books to the SEN Dept) with the comment "these are the books I promised you (on Monday) I've brought in for the (SEN) department".

I walked past the SEN dept 10 mins later, several TAs and one lead LSA on the floor stuffing books in handbags Shock

I said "what are you doing?"
LSA "my grandson will love these"
Me: "I brought these in for the department"
LSA: "but my grandson will love these"
Me: cats arse face "I...donated...these to the the department
LSA: "but they are lovely, my grandson will love these"
Me: I think you misunderstood, I donated these for your 1-2-1
2 literacy time - TBH they are worth in excess of £300 - I could have sold them on eBay"
TA: "I'll buy you some chocolates!!!!" Confused
Me: sarcasm mode "I need wine to get over this"
TA: "ok,wine it is then"
ME: (to the LSA) "I brought these in for the literacy time"
LSA "I know, but my grandson will love these"
Me: "you are missing the point - I donated these - I could have sold them if I didnt want them to be properly used"
LSA: "but my grandson will love these!"

I'm bloody annoyed. I think I was clear enough in what I said, and tone and facial expressions......... oh and the TA was leaving tonight with a heaving carrier bag, which she saw me pointedly looking at ....and said "I won't forget your wine tomorrow"

Do I

(A) accept that some children will benefit from those books and let it go and chalk it up to experience?

(B) see the SENCO tomorrow

in a bit of a catch 22 - the TA is by best mates SIL and the LSA and I work closely together at various points in the year and I need her good will for the smooth running of my job.

BUT! if either of them had said "Trois, those are lovely books, can I have a few please?" I would have willingly said yes.

As an aside, funding is short and these books would have enhanced the current curriculum reading schemes.

OP posts:
cwtch4967 · 01/12/2011 11:06

Headteacher - by questioning her you gave her the opportunity to say she hadn't realised etc and put them back. She missed the opportunity despite you being very clear the books were for the school so now you need to go and see the head. She is 100% in the wrong and I would be seething too!!!

omgomgomg · 01/12/2011 11:13

I too have a substantial collection of early reading books, some from almost every scheme (except ORT'S Biff Chip et al). I even have acces to a whole set of old fashioned (look and say style) Peter and Jane although my mum is the guardian of these.

I have been tempted to donate our books bit by bit to our school as and when my youngest finishes each level. This would reinforce the point I have raised ,more than once, that they are still using old look and say ORT type readers which do not do the best job of supporting the synthetic phonics they teach in class and requested that they consider using fundraising monies to replace the scheme or supplement it to support those children who need more help. Each year however money raised is spent on sports equipment, party bag tat style christmas presents and ICT equipment

HOWEVER I once came across a book in a local charity bookshop which had the school's stamp inside the front cover and "to xyz school from the ABC family" also written there.

I am currently lending them out to other reception parents so that they can all appreciate the difference and perhaps join the lobby to fund some proper phonics based early readers.

You have now added another possible objection to my donation thoughts. How can I guarantee the good condition sets I have won't be taken home by staff or parents helping in school/sold on ebay ?

You are not being unreasonable at all and I sincerely hope the staff concerned learn a lesson from this about not believing that having the pick of any donations is a perk of the job.

Please see it through and don't give up !

Hardgoing · 01/12/2011 11:23

I am also stunned by this as I have some nice new reading scheme book sets to donate. Although, on another note, I don't know why schools persist in using crappy old schemes, as you can get 50+ Biff and Kipper books (or phonics schemes) on the Book People for about £10. I complained about this last year, having had two children go through reception with a pile of old tatty uninspiring first books, and now they have purchased a new scheme for this year, but I'm not sure why this didn't occur to them before, and why doing all kinds of other activities has taken precedence over reading.

shouldnotbehere · 01/12/2011 11:25

Personally, I would:

A) accept that some children will benefit from those books and let it go and chalk it up to experience?

There are book thiefs everywhere. Me and SILs have children of different ages, and quite spread out, and are always stealing books, but then returning a few years later, all frayed and battered for the baby of each others family.

I would say to LSA and TA, that you would like them to return the books to school, when their child is finished with them.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/12/2011 11:27

Would you say the same if the OP had donated money or laptops, shouldnotbehere? Because to me, the principle's the same. They were not given to the LSA for her kids, they were given to the school for the children, and it is so morally and ethically wrong for the LSA to take them home that it beggars belief.

Hardgoing · 01/12/2011 11:27

Well, if they wanted to have them that much, they could have asked to borrow them. When my mum worked as a TA, she borrowed a few books over the weekend to help my dd2, having asked, and we returned them a few days later. Under no circumstances would we have taken them!

shouldnotbehere · 01/12/2011 11:31

SDTGisAnEvilWoleofGenius, I'm not sure. I just wouldn't want to fall out with work colleagues, I would prefer to make a point over wanting the books returned, and leave it at that.

lolaflores · 01/12/2011 12:14

some times a falling out is hard to avoid. perhaps there was an unwritten understanding between family members about books. This is not a family, these people are supposedly educational professionals, blatantly dipping the till or in this case precious school resources.

School material is more important than a comfy silence. I would liken this to the woman walking into your house, seeing nice books, going "oh I like them, here stuff them in this bag, my grandson would love them. Oh and don't worry, I won't bring them back" Cheery bye for now.

Principles

tigermoll · 01/12/2011 12:26

(just bookmarking this thread to see how it goes, - am Shock at this! )

spiderpig8 · 01/12/2011 13:30

Of course YANBU about people stealing books!
however |I think you are seriously overstimating the value of second hand 'mainstream' books.
Alaso IME schools never want second hand books.Even educational ones in good condition.often not up to dayeg.I am really struggling as to why you think Y9 children would want ABC and Disney books! I think it would be patronising to expect them to read them They will get simple books with age-appropriate content, not baby books.
i am guessing the school didn't want them and the the head of dept had told her to fill her boots and she didn't like to tell you?

BTWWhat were the disney books-not those Grolier ones?

Cheeser · 01/12/2011 13:34

spiderpig the OP said upthread that the books were for a new intake of SN children in year 9 who had a much lower reading age, so appropriate for the audience she had in mind for the books. And which she discussed in detail with the LSAs.

theworldaccordingtome · 01/12/2011 13:37

Long and short of it OP this is theft. Theft is the taking of property belonging to another with the intention to permanently deprive. The books were donated to the school as resources therefore they are the property of the school. Go to the head. Point out that they have stolen property from the school, this must be grounds for dismissal. Not sure what you would do if the head has said this was ok though, as then technically the school would be giving them to the cheeky wouldn't they??

spiderpig8 · 01/12/2011 13:52

the reading age might be appropriate but the content wouldn't be. i would like to think that school would use reading schemes designed for low ability readers of their age not f*cking ABC books!!!

lolaflores · 01/12/2011 13:55

Spiderpig you have overshot the runway on this one. The main issue and grievance is not the appropriate reading age the books were aimed at, but that this person saw the books as a potential free for all. So, wind your neck in theres a love

TeWiharaMeriKirihimete · 01/12/2011 13:59

Spiderpig - these books are not for children with, say dyslexia, they are for children with severe LDs and are mentally age appropriate - IYSWIM, the OP discussed whether they would be with the LSA before she bought them in.

rockinhippy · 01/12/2011 13:59

Cheeky P'taking thieving cow ShockAngry

YDDDDDNBU as well you know

if it were me, given the friendship with SIL etc I would give the cheeky mare one last chance ?actually I probably wouldn't, but you may want to for that reason only

Take her to one side at the first possible opportunity & tell her in no uncertain terms you are VERY unhappy at her actions, that it amounts not only to theft, but to theft from DCs far more in need than her DGC & that the ONLY reason you didn't make a bigger fuss at the time was because you were trying to be polite & not show her up in front of others, that she clearly understood your intentions, but chose to ignore you & therefore was also clearly taking the P & that you expect ALL books returned by XXX insert day - or you would be taking it up with the Head

NinkyNonker · 01/12/2011 14:00

Schools love second hand books. The ones I've worked in certainly did.

Besides, that is spectacularly missing the point.

lolaflores · 01/12/2011 14:01

like your Capo di tutti Capi style there rockinhippy make an offer she can't refuse. Don't make her put that hobby horses head in her bed. Mulitlation can often offend

spiderpig8 · 01/12/2011 14:13

lolaflores-sorry who died and made you boss?

spiderpig8 · 01/12/2011 14:15

The point I am trying to make is that i suspect the school didn't really think they were appropriate, but didn't want to hurt Op's feelings.She only asked the LSA .She spoke to the 'oil rag' not the 'engine driver'.

lolaflores · 01/12/2011 14:35

spiderpig8 while we are in it, did you not realise that no one is interested in your nit picking assesment of a situation you have got but the merest grip on. You in my opinion have missed the whole bloody point and are being insensitive to the feelings of the OP. You are not shining a marvellous magic light on what is at the real heart of this. You are scratching your arse and believing you have solved world hunger

ExquisiteChristmasCake · 01/12/2011 14:53

I would have dropped kicked her in the head (due date is today so perhaps would pick a day my leg would go that high) what a cheeky twat!

lisaro · 01/12/2011 15:11

I don't see that as being any better than stealing from collections ie red nose day. By the way you described how this was so blatant and even when confronted no sign of shame, remorse or or even 'oops' I have to surmise this is not the first time. Please report - they should not be in a position to do that and you don't know what else is being taken.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/12/2011 15:19

Spiderpig - the OP actually works in the school she donated the books to, so it is reasonable to assume that she knows what sort of books would be useful/appropriate to the children concerned.

And even if the books weren't appropriate, it doesn't make it OK for the LSA to just take them for her dgc. It seems pretty clear to me from the OP that the LSA felt entitled to take the books, and when challenged by the OP, she didn't say anything about the books being inappropriate - who knows - if she had, and had asked the OP if she could have some of the books, the OP might have said yes. But she didn't explain, and she didn't ask - she stole.

Ariesgirl · 01/12/2011 15:27

It's stealing. No more no less. Go to the SENCO/Head. If those women do not bring them back in, they should be sacked. I've never heard anything like it! Angry

So what if you have grandchildren, love. Doesn't give you a right to nick stuff because the brats would "love it".