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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am Not BU ...I know I'm not! Tell me if I am though!!! (feck, a long one!!!)

157 replies

troisgarcons · 30/11/2011 20:46

I don't do real anger IRL - I save my Victor Meldew moments for dramatic effect Grin. But I've gone past being miffed to bloody annoyed today to just a bit wound up at the moment!

So not so much of an AIBU (although you can tell me if am) more of a "give me a subtle and diplomatic form of words for tomorrow"

Back story - had a lot of building work done in the house necessitating a massive clear out of all that stuff you may keep.

I had a very expensive set of Disney books, roughly £300 worth plus a complete set of republished Ladybird ABC books, which were used by my 3 boys. All still immaculate (no turned corners, no broken spines, scribbles etc) because this is a book loving house. So they ranged from pre-school learning the alphabet, to building upon it and through to roughly aged 9 (ish) - and they were predominantly male orientated books.

My children have outgrown those books and I'm beyond cluttering the loft for 10 years in case grandchildren appear.

As you know I work in a school, which has a high SEN in take, many children still have a reading age of 5-7 despite being in Y9. I spoke with one of the lead LSAs - lovely, she said, bring them in, our books are a bit shoddy.

Took them in this morning, left them with the other lead LSA (who knew I was donating these books to the SEN Dept) with the comment "these are the books I promised you (on Monday) I've brought in for the (SEN) department".

I walked past the SEN dept 10 mins later, several TAs and one lead LSA on the floor stuffing books in handbags Shock

I said "what are you doing?"
LSA "my grandson will love these"
Me: "I brought these in for the department"
LSA: "but my grandson will love these"
Me: cats arse face "I...donated...these to the the department
LSA: "but they are lovely, my grandson will love these"
Me: I think you misunderstood, I donated these for your 1-2-1
2 literacy time - TBH they are worth in excess of £300 - I could have sold them on eBay"
TA: "I'll buy you some chocolates!!!!" Confused
Me: sarcasm mode "I need wine to get over this"
TA: "ok,wine it is then"
ME: (to the LSA) "I brought these in for the literacy time"
LSA "I know, but my grandson will love these"
Me: "you are missing the point - I donated these - I could have sold them if I didnt want them to be properly used"
LSA: "but my grandson will love these!"

I'm bloody annoyed. I think I was clear enough in what I said, and tone and facial expressions......... oh and the TA was leaving tonight with a heaving carrier bag, which she saw me pointedly looking at ....and said "I won't forget your wine tomorrow"

Do I

(A) accept that some children will benefit from those books and let it go and chalk it up to experience?

(B) see the SENCO tomorrow

in a bit of a catch 22 - the TA is by best mates SIL and the LSA and I work closely together at various points in the year and I need her good will for the smooth running of my job.

BUT! if either of them had said "Trois, those are lovely books, can I have a few please?" I would have willingly said yes.

As an aside, funding is short and these books would have enhanced the current curriculum reading schemes.

OP posts:
t0lk13n · 30/11/2011 21:34

I would email the head tonight!

LilRedWG · 30/11/2011 21:37

Definitely talk to the SENCO and Head - that is disgusting behaviour!

Original poster
troisgarcons · 30/11/2011 21:38

Im off to form an email to the SENCo .... I will be back for you to tart about with it before I hit send!

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 30/11/2011 21:42

I am more and more disgusted. I even told DH (I don't really share MN stuff with him) and he is horrified too.

marfisa · 30/11/2011 21:43

What you say about how challenged these kids are makes it even worse.

I have also chosen to donate expensive toys my DC have outgrown to a nursery, children's centre, etc., instead of trying to sell them or giving them away to an individual. It's a conscious decision about where an item will have the most social good. I would be furious if these items had ended up in the hands of a single child instead (and a child who is probably already quite privileged anyway).

mathanxiety · 30/11/2011 21:51

I wonder what else they have been getting away with, Marfisa. It would be very easy to shortchange these children in terms of attention or resources.

HandMini · 30/11/2011 21:52

I think that when it became clear that this person was hellbent on nicking the books, even when you'd done the nice non-confrontational approach, you should have stepped up a gear and said "Please put them back" or words to that effect. Some people have just got so much brass neck that you need to be punchier.

Having said that, there's no excusing her behaviour and I really hope the school gets the books back - I'm just making my point because it would be particularly upsetting if she suggests in any way that you condoned her behaviour/accepted her taking the books, so your email to the head (which is a good idea, get it down on paper, takes the heat out of things) needs to be carefully worded.

If it's going to be the easiest way to get the books back, you could suggest that the book-nicker must have misunderstood you, although you are confident that you made it completely clear to her that she could not take the books.

Becaroooodolf · 30/11/2011 21:56

YANBU!!!

Shock
SantaDesperatelySeeksSedatives · 30/11/2011 21:57

YANBU bloody cheek stealing those books right under your nose.

Also Hmm at her tactic of repeating the same line "but my grandson will love these!" Then buy some yourself, you tealeaf! My MIL uses a similar tactic (the repeating the same thing relentlessly, not the nicking stuff). Very irritating.

Becaroooodolf · 30/11/2011 21:57

I donated some lovely toys to a nursery in a deprived area some years ago and was staggered when a few weeks later 2 of the TAs told me how lovely they were and that their dc's loved them!!!

I dont donate anymore...I ask around...there is always someone in need.

blueemerald · 30/11/2011 22:09

I work as an LSA in a special needs school and I am actually gobsmacked at this behaviour. I think it shows a disturbing lack of morals on the behalf of these people. How can these adults be trusted around any school resources? How can these adults set an example for their students if they are willing to steal from the school?

If you have the minerals I would publicly shame them by recounting the story and insisting the books are returned by Friday or you will be going to the Head/SENCO in front of as many people (not students though) as possible.

If she tries any "But I thought...." nonsense just say "I'm sorry you misunderstood." And repeat. And repeat. Use a steelier tone each time.

If that fails and you do need to go the Head/SENCO about this I would go down the 'there seems to have been a misunderstanding about some books I donated to the school, Ms X has taken some home when I meant them for the students. Could you have a word?' route. I'm sure they are capable of reading between the lines.

gomummygo · 30/11/2011 22:12

YAsoooooNBU! Angry on your behalf!

Disturbing. Please do put in writing, asap. Some good suggestions above. I would add something to the effect of -

By way of this letter/email I am requesting your confirmation that the stolen property has been returned and appropriate action taken. In addition, could you please provide me with a copy of your organization's policy on the donations, in order that I may be assured that any future donations I may consider will be managed and allocated correctly.

Original poster
troisgarcons · 30/11/2011 22:28

MyEmail :

Morning SENCo

I'm "stewing" on this. In short I had a set of books I offered to (S) on Monday - basically I've had a massive clear out of things here and I no longer need early reading books. These were a complete set of Disney books aimed at age 4-9 (ish) and male orientated, collected over several years. There were also a complete set of republished Ladybird alphabet and early reading schemes. All were as new, not damaged, not scribbled on, no broken spines etc. (We are a very bookish household).

I checked with (S) on Monday if they would be suitable to build upon reading schemes, she agreed they would be.

I brought them in today and handed them over to the TAs in the staff room. (A) was privvy to conversations I'd had with (S) about these books (ie the large amount and the need to procure several willing children in form time to be co-opted in to help transport them across the car park)

Anyway this morning I had my coffee, went to my office and went past D2 ....(A) and (J) were on their knees, sorting out the books and putting them in their handbags.

I said "what are you doing?"
~ "my grandson will love these"
Me: "I brought these in for the (SEN) department"
~: "but my grandson will love these"
Me: mardy face "I...donated...these are for the the department (a particular Y9 set)
~: "but they are lovely, my grandson will love these"
Me: I think you misunderstood, I donated these for your 1-2-1 literacy time - TBH they are worth in excess of £300 - I could have sold them on eBay if I wanted them divvied up"
#: "I'll buy you some chocolates!!!!"
Me: sarcasm mode "I think I need wine to get over this"
#: "ok,wine it is then"
ME: "But I brought these in for the literacy time"
~ "I know, but my grandson will love these"
Me: "you are missing the point - I donated these - I could have sold them if I didnt want them to be properly used"
~: "but my grandson will love these!"

I can't tell you how incredibly annoyed I am that the TAs felt they could have "first dibs" on donated goods. I did stand and try to 'front out' but it was diffcult as (dept room) had a full department and I woudlnt undermine staff infront of collegues.

Having made my point (or so I thought) (J) left his evening with a carrier bag of books that I pointedly stared at (with a sour face) and she said "I wont forget your wine!!!" Again I was caught with other people and you know I'll never directly undermine a collegue in public.

I make no bones, I expect those books to be returned ~ and you may use the assumption that they borrowed them for the weekend ~ but we have many children we work with who dont have access to suitable and nice books at home.

I did express my irritation to (T) at the time.

*(t) being the SENCo PA

OP posts:
fivegomadindorset · 30/11/2011 22:32

very good, would still be concerned though that when they ar ereturned that they wouldn't go walking in a few weeks time.

fivegomadindorset · 30/11/2011 22:33

And express that if SENCO does not take action then you will go further. Could you cc Head in?

SleepyFergus · 30/11/2011 22:42

Shocked, shocked, shocked on your behalf!

Good email, I would maybe add to the last paragraph something along the lines of "I am particulary shocked that colleagues blatantly removed the books depriving our pupils of a needed resource". I think it needs hammering home that they were largely taking the piss but more important, , to the detriment of the schoolkids.

Original poster
troisgarcons · 30/11/2011 22:47

I wouldnt CC the Head, that would mean undermining the Senco (who is L1 SLT and his line manager who is also my line manager and L2-SLT!

My line manger would go dipshit if she couldnt sort such petty problems ... our mutial line manger is also god mother to SENCOs children ....... shewill not undermine him.

I've never worked in such an incestuous industry

OP posts:
Jajas · 30/11/2011 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tigerlillyd02 · 30/11/2011 23:01

YANBU.

I don't see how they can turn it around on you at all - it's not you in the wrong, whether you told them to put them back or not. It's theirs for stealing.

Once you donate to the school, it then becomes schools property and they have stolen school recources. If they were stealing a school computer - you not telling them to put it back doesn't then make the crime right or mean it's your fault in any way whatsoever. Make this clear too when speaking with the head.

maddening · 30/11/2011 23:03

Def complain!

The cheap b???h has prob wrapped then up to give Gs for Xmas!

LegsAkimboTimeToBlush · 30/11/2011 23:22

Sad People who are in a position of trust and involved in helping SN kids, taking away resources that are beneficial and donated especially for them Sad

Its not the norm. Please do follow this up troisgarcons these people might not realise quite how badly they have behaved, but somebody should make sure they understand how shitty their actions are!

Fecklessdizzy · 30/11/2011 23:55

Cheeky cows! Complain ... Keep us posted.

racingheart · 01/12/2011 00:12

The only point at which YABU is in not having said, 'Get those books out of your handbags. They either stay on school premises or I'll take them home.'

marfisa · 01/12/2011 00:20

Well done, Trois. I hope the email brings results. The bit about not wanting to undermine colleagues in public is good as it explains why you didn't protest even more vehemently at the time.

And Beca, what a dreadful story. Angry Some people just don't get it.

mathanxiety · 01/12/2011 06:54

The way they were so shameless about it suggests there is an acceptable level of kleptomania in the school and that this sort of thing has been going on for years unchallenged. I think you should have CC'd the HT. If there's a Board of Governors I would be looking up addresses.