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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be cross with my 38 year old husband for not being able to cook

144 replies

nicecupofteaplease · 30/11/2011 07:22

My husband's repertoire consists of omelette and at a push stir fry. As a result, I always cook. I like cooking, so generally I don't mind. But now and again, it would be nice to come home from work and not cook (and get to eat something other than an omelette).

Last night he said "I'll cook for you if you want, what is there?" - he decided upon a lasagna. Great. Then he asked me to show him how to make a lasagna, which I did. I essentially made both the sauces and he chopped things up. I left him to his own devices to do the layering and said more than once "remember the last layer should be lasagna, topped with cheese sauce".

I was really hungry, and a bit crochety anyway, and I'm afraid I went a bit beserk when he took the lasagna out of the oven and it was topped with a crunchy layer of mince and contained only one lonely layer of lasagna. He'd used two sheets and put the majority of the lasagna sheets back in the fridge (as apparently he'd decided that lasagna does not merit the inclusion of pasta sheets).

I feel a bit sorry for him as he'd wanted to make me dinner, but I am just so frustrated that a 38 year old man cannot make something as simple as a lasagna. It was just a dish of cheesy mince with a slither of pasta somewhere in the middle. Even if he didn't know how to make it, I helped him and gave him pretty easy to follow and clear instructions. It's not rocket science. I'm peeved that he ruined the dinner when I was really looking forward to it, and wasted 3/4 of a pack of lasagna sheets for no good reason. And just once I would love not to cook AND to eat something resembling a decent meal. Is that unreasonable? I probably shouldn't have shouted at him, but for God's sake, how hard can it be?

If, as I suspect, you come to the conclusion that IABU and should've eaten the cheesy mince with a smile on my face, what can I do about it?? Not the lasagna, the lack of any sort of cooking ability.

OP posts:

TheFidgetySheep · 30/11/2011 07:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fivegomadindorset · 30/11/2011 07:26

So why didn't you on this occasion help him do it properly so he knows how to do it for next time. Why don't you do this for other recipes so he can learn, he obviously wants to.

TheFidgetySheep · 30/11/2011 07:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SanTEEClaus · 30/11/2011 07:28

First of all, I don't think I have ever topped a lasagne with the noddles and sauce. Last layer is meat and then cheese, surely? So, yes, you should have eaten it. And I also don't consider it an easy dish as it has so many parts.

2nd of all, my 37 year old husband cooks about 3 thing. So what? If he has no interest or ability in cooking, surely it's better to cook yourself and have him to the cleaning up? I do understand being tired and not wanting to faff about in the kitchen after coming home, but surely that's what frozen food is for?

He's a grown man. You can't force him to learn if he doesn't want to. If he does want to, start with something simpler than lasagne!

PengPeng · 30/11/2011 07:29

Stop cooking for him? How is it possible to get to 38 without ever having learnt the basics?
There's a cookbook called Ration which looks quite useful. It explains the science behind cooking & baking.

LadySybil · 30/11/2011 07:31

i think lasagne is a complicated dish to make.

If he is your husband, and is 38 then sadly, i cant lay the blame ony on him and his mom. what about you? have you never asked him to cook before? he didnt just drop in and become your husband overnight.

My second son is currently being taught how to cook. I wouldnt consider lasagne for ages and ages and ages yet. ONe pot stuff until i can leave him in the kitchen alone with a sharp knife. he's ten. even ds1, at 14, wouldnt make lasagne. and dh , an excellent cook, wouldnt bother with it, as its far too faffy.

TanteRose · 30/11/2011 07:32

He needs a good cook book (Jamie IS good) and he needs to READ the book before cooking.

My DH taught himself how to cook when we got married as I had a long commute, and he worked 5 mins from home, so it wasn't rocket science to decide who would cook the evening meal.

He bought books, magazines etc. and now he is amazing! Seriously, he cooks Italian, Indian, Chinese, Middle Eastern, etc. like a pro - and his fish and chips are to die for

HattiFattner · 30/11/2011 07:35

Buy him a cook book for Christmas - a basic cooking one like delia.

Ask him to choose and cook one new meal from scratch every week. Make it his challenge to cook it unsupervised.

ALternatively, point him in the direction of the BBC good food website. He can choose from the most popular recipes that are easy, and start building his knowledge and repertoire

seeker · 30/11/2011 07:35

I'm assuming from your post that he can't read. This must impact significantly on other areas of his life, but don't worry, there are some fabulous adult literacy schemes around-try the local library.

SanTEEClaus · 30/11/2011 07:35

I don't think it's so odd that a grown man doesn't know how to cook. My husband can make about 4 things and I have to be awfully hungry or tired to ask him to cook them.

NinkyNonker · 30/11/2011 07:50

I think it is odd any adult can't cook basics to be honest. If he wasn't married would he seriously be living on omelettes? Would you find it as odd if a 38 yr old woman couldn't cook? Or is it because he is a poor ickle man, and he has a wife so it is her job?

Blimey, I'd hate to be married to someone incompetent. DH cooks better than I do, all of his friends and brothers can cook, my dad can cook (at times)...I thought in this day and age it would be the norm.

Op, yanbu.

lottiegb · 30/11/2011 07:53

I think it's a massive handicap to be unable to cook. It makes a person dependent and, in my view, unattractive. I always have at the back of my mind 'unless you are able to look after yourself, how would you be able to look after me, if for some reason that was necessary?' and apply the same logic to myself (so changing plugs, car oil, putting up shelves too).

I like cooking but having to do it every day would make it a chore and remove much of the enjoyment. Fortunately (or more likely through choice) all my serious BFs have enjoyed cooking too and DP and I share, with specialisms e.g. he likes baking, I like cooking.

I suspect this reflects the age at which people get together. DP and I have both lived a few years of our adult lives as single homehowners, so have necessarily learnt to do practical things we couldn't already. People who get together young seem to slip into rigid divisions of labour quite easily - which is a choice.

lambethlil · 30/11/2011 07:55

Unless you won him in a raffle when he was 37, you've help create this situation.

Buy him a cook book and but out.

SanTEEClaus · 30/11/2011 07:56

Nope, wouldn't find it odd of a grown woman couldn't cook either. My sister in law is an excellent example. She doesn't cook. My brother does.

And if you live by yourself there is always ready meals. That's what my husband did before he married me. Lived on ready meals and things he can cook in his limited ability.

Not everyone can cook. So what?

AFuckingFestiveKnackeredWoman · 30/11/2011 07:57

Unless you only got together yabu.

You knew he cant cook, what did you expect?

ChitChattingElf · 30/11/2011 07:57

Buy him some cooking lessons for Christmas !

CaptainMartinCrieff · 30/11/2011 07:57

My DH is the same and to be honest I kind of blame is mum she never showed him, she fed him what he wanted, when he wanted it and generally waited on him, his dad and sister. None of them can cook except for his mum.

I therefore intend to cook with my DS wherever possible.

With regard to DH we now have a deal... I do all the cooking, he does all the washing up!

SoupDragon · 30/11/2011 07:59

Yes, you should have eaten it, not gone a bit berserk. People rarely respond well to being shot down in flames.

Did he have a recipe to follow or was he simply expected to remember your instructions? something like ministry of Food by Jamie was designed for people who can't/won't cook so give him that and choose something easy to start off with. Build some confidence and then set him free.

warmleatherette · 30/11/2011 08:01

Lasagne is waaay complicated. I've given up making it now as it takes forever. Maybe something like a shepherd's pie? Could you buy him a cooking course? It's not acceptable to be unable to cook but lots of men don't do it - as someone says, ready meals, pot noodles are all enough for them to get by on. There's also the 'learned helplessness' aspect - if you can't cook, and do it badly when you do try, then you carry on getting away with not doing it, don't you? I used to love cooking but as I've had to do it loads recently (XDH worked odd hours) I'm sick to the back teeth of it. It's not U to want to share the load, why should you do it all?

NinkyNonker · 30/11/2011 08:06

DH improved his cooking when he lived alone as he liked nice food, and ready meals are processed, unhealthy, tasteless crap. Good for an emergency, but not as a rule.

But then his mum (a SAHM to 4 boys) had them all doing their own washing, helping with main meals, cooking their own if not joining main meal, washing up etc by early teens. And his dad was house trained too. Similarly my mother showed me the basics. Being able to cook (I am talking basics, not a la carte) is a life skill, not really optional.

If I'd married someone unable to cook (chances are I wouldn't as it would show a basic childishness I dislike) I'd very quickly lose patience with it.

Proudnscary · 30/11/2011 08:10

Why can't he follow a recipe in a book? What's the difference between that and you showing him?

I am a shit cook - I hate it. My dh is a great cook. So he cooks. But I do make sure I make him dinner every now and then and I just use a Jamie or a Nigella.

kreechergotstuckupthechimney · 30/11/2011 08:11

I think you are being a bit harsh TBH. Isn't there a phrase about see one, do one, teach one? You really should show him how to cook a dish, then he can do it himself, then teach someone else.
I agree with the basic cookbook, no shame in it. My DH cooks for himself every night, mainly he lobs stuf in the slow cooker, but occasionally he reports something a bit more sophisticated.
I disagree with lasagne being complicated though.

PattySimcox · 30/11/2011 08:14

I'm amazed at those who say lasagne is complicated. Seriously? Meat sauce, White sauce, layered and put in oven?

Op yanbu to expect your DH to cook the odd meal but your reaction may have been a wee bit OTT

pigletmania · 30/11/2011 08:14

OP that is so much better than my dh, who won't cook. He can really but does not like cooking. I think I will buy him Jamies Ministry of Food cookbook for Christmas, especially as I am 31 weeks pg and would appreciate a rest once in a while.

Grumpla · 30/11/2011 08:14

That is pathetic. I taught myself to make lasagne when I was about 11. It really is NOT complicated...

Agree you need to buy him a decent cookbook for Xmas, and designate one night a week for it to be "his turn" to cook. Once he can actually manage a fair few meals this can be re-assessed.

You do probably also (I'm afraid) have to be terribly enthusiastic at the first few efforts. IMO it's a disgrace that any NT adult gets to that age without having a basic repertoire of ten/fifteen dishes to feed themselves and their family, but you have been complicit in this up til now, so baby steps...

My husband taught himself to cook when he left home, wasn't expected to lift a finger by his doting mother - but he is a cracking cook now and does 90% of the shopping and cooking in our house as he enjoys it.

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