to be cross with my 38 year old husband for not being able to cook

[nicecupofteaplease]

My husband's repertoire consists of omelette and at a push stir fry. As a result, I always cook. I like cooking, so generally I don't mind. But now and again, it would be nice to come home from work and not cook (and get to eat something other than an omelette).

Last night he said "I'll cook for you if you want, what is there?" - he decided upon a lasagna. Great. Then he asked me to show him how to make a lasagna, which I did. I essentially made both the sauces and he chopped things up. I left him to his own devices to do the layering and said more than once "remember the last layer should be lasagna, topped with cheese sauce".

I was really hungry, and a bit crochety anyway, and I'm afraid I went a bit beserk when he took the lasagna out of the oven and it was topped with a crunchy layer of mince and contained only one lonely layer of lasagna. He'd used two sheets and put the majority of the lasagna sheets back in the fridge (as apparently he'd decided that lasagna does not merit the inclusion of pasta sheets).

I feel a bit sorry for him as he'd wanted to make me dinner, but I am just so frustrated that a 38 year old man cannot make something as simple as a lasagna. It was just a dish of cheesy mince with a slither of pasta somewhere in the middle. Even if he didn't know how to make it, I helped him and gave him pretty easy to follow and clear instructions. It's not rocket science. I'm peeved that he ruined the dinner when I was really looking forward to it, and wasted 3/4 of a pack of lasagna sheets for no good reason. And just once I would love not to cook AND to eat something resembling a decent meal. Is that unreasonable? I probably shouldn't have shouted at him, but for God's sake, how hard can it be?

If, as I suspect, you come to the conclusion that IABU and should've eaten the cheesy mince with a smile on my face, what can I do about it?? Not the lasagna, the lack of any sort of cooking ability.

That's weird, my husband is 38 and can't cook either - not his mum's fault as his 3 siblings can. He just has no interest in it. He loves food though and my cooking. On the plus side he never ever moans about what he gets, so if I'm tired and can't be arsed he will happily have beans on toast. Ready meals? Never, they are the devil's work, yukketty yuk yuk yuk. When I'm away on business the kids love it cos he makes proper thin chips like Macdonalds only better (Virgo perfect cutting skills). He also shoots and prepares the game for me so we often have pheasant and rabbit casseroles and lovely things like that, and I can sit him happily in front of the rugby with the veg for sunday dinner to peel and give him the washing up which he then delegated to the kids. So it's ok, you just need to come to an agreement about it really.

Thanks everyone. Yes, I fully appreciate I have exacerbated the situation by doing all the cooking. Will get him Jamies Ministry of Food and suggest a weekly cooking session if he wants to.

His mother is exactly as people have described above - she waits on her husband and children. All very well but how rubbish to send your children out into the world without teaching them the basic life skill of simple cooking.

I shouldn't have got mad at him, but I was just so frustrated. Lasagna is not a complicated dish. I made the sauces. All that was required of him was to layer it. Pretty simple stuff.

Anyway, thanks for your comments!

nicecupoftea - I like cooking but the informal agreement we have in our house is that DW treats me and takes me out for a nice restaurant meal every now and then. She hates cooking and never cooks at all - ever.

However, she is in charge of wine buying which she is very good at. I suggest you try a similar solution.

I don't agree that lasagne is complicated to cook - it was one of the first things we were taught to make in Home Economics aged 11.

I can see that making the cheese sauce can take a bit of mastering in order to get it lump free, but frying off onions, mince and adding a tin of tomatoes to make a bolognese is not difficult.

At least you've got his Christmas presents sorted - Delia's How To Cook, volumes 1-3

My dh is 38y and doesn't cook much. That's because I chose to do pretty much all the cooking and have done since we lived together several years ago. He coped through university but I suspect on ready meals, etc.

However he can and will cook if need be, but only basic stuff. He'd not do lasagne, but then it's not something I cook often tbh. He would do pasta with a simple meat and pasatta sauce fine, and he always cooks our Sunday tea.

But it works fine for us that way and I totally agree that I have added to the reason dh doesn't cook much anyway! He does other stuff I don't do.

YABVU to knock back the lasagne, it does not have to have more than one layer, it does not have to end with a layer of pasta/white sauce and then cheese, it's still lasagne, and it would still be a very edible meal. Like SanTEEClaus I always end with the meat sauce below the cheese - because that's how I like it, maybe that's how he likes it too...

I started sharing the cooking with my dad from about 13, and have always cooked since (I'm a ~38 year old man btw), my DP had quite a small range of meals when we first got together, she can now cook lots and has the confidence to experiment and know what might go together. I didn't expect her to be able to cook any more than she expected me, it's a skill you've either learnt or you haven't, it's certainly easy enough to avoid, and if you facillitated it for however long you've been together then you've not helped the situation especially if he's offering to cook and asking for help!

So YABU, he asked for help, you helped him a bit and then shouted at him when he served you a perfectly edible meal. Apologise and offer to help teach him cook some other meals, and this time teach the whole thing if you're going to be fussy about how exactly they turn out.

I trained DH over a couple of months using a whiteboard. I work until 6 on my work days, so I leave a small whiteboard easel on the kitchen surface with dinner instructions. At first it was simple stuff like "cook pasta, fry off these pre-chopped veg with bacon, add the jar of sauce"
Now I can put the name of most dishes and leave out a jar if it's complicated (ie Thai yellow curry). He has quite a range now, but would have been totally crushed if I refused to eat one of his early creations.
OP, YW(a bit)U to have a go at him, as long as it tasted ok you should eat it to encourage him.
Imagine if you cooked a dish you had never done before (eg curry from scratch) and he refused to eat it because he could get a nicer one from the takeaway. You'd be and . I imagine that's how he feels right now.

I think lasagne is a faff to make rather than being hard. Properly seasoned mince, cheese sauce, proper construction...

I can't make lasagne. Didn't think that was a basic either.

I don't like cooking, not particularly bothered about food and hence never really learned how. My DH does the cooking. Now we have a DS I decided that although I couldn't be arsed with cooking for myself I wanted to be able to cook for him. This year I got Jamie's Ministry of Food, it's the first cookbook I've ever seen that has recipes I think I might like and aren't too fussy in it. I've cooked quite a few things from it now, although I still hate cooking. I even had to learn how to cook an omelette.

I still haven't got the nerve up to tackle lasagne though. It just looks more hassle than it's worth! People who say it's easy are obviously people who can cook. Easily whip up two sauces when you've never whipped up one?!

I feel sorry for your DH being slated for his effort though. That's no way to encourage him to try again.

Let this be a lesson to all parents who have boys. TEACH THEM HOW TO LOOK AFTER THEMSELVES AND COOK.

We do not do our boys any favours by doing everything for them. Its not just our parents/older generation who mollycoddle boys. Still going on today.

I think you need to train him and maybe have a set number of evenings that he cooks?

My dh is an amazing cook and wants to do all most of it. This has rendered me very lazy.

But, to be honest, I don't know many blokes that don't do their fair share of cooking, apart from my dad.

It is annoying but I think you'll need to put a lot of effort in to help him learn. Lasagne is quite complicated for a newbie. You can't expect him to pick it up suddenly - some people just can't learn that quickly. I'm a pretty good cook but I hate following recipes and if DH (ex chef) shows me something new it'll take a few tries before I have the confidence to do it myself.

Criticising won't help him, even though it's a pain that he's not learned before, but how else is he supposed to learn a new skill without your help? How would you feel if you had to learn a new craft and somebody had a go at you when you messed up your first attempt? He's been 'allowed' to not learn for too long but you can't expect it to suddenly change.

You'll have to do loads of cooking with him before he can strike out on his own as it doesn't sound like he's a natural.

Why not make a date of it? Promise that say twice a week you'll teach him a new dish, you can make it together? If you see it as a positive, it'll be fun. :)

How is a lasagne complicated? With a pot of meat sauce, a pot of béchamel and some lasagne sheets in front of you? Meat, pasta, white sauce. Repeat. Top layer should really be white sauce then cheese but as long as you put cheese on top it doesn't actually matter what's underneath.

Op does your DH have a smart phone? He will have a million recipes at his fingertips if so. There is a good Jamie O app which has step by step instructions and even a video walk through. If not, a basic cookbook like Delia Smith's basic cookery course is a must.

My DH can't cook particularly well but I taught him how to cook a roast dinner. It can be done.

I actually think yanbu just going off the basis that it's common sense to layer the ingredients in a lasagne and you told him what to do in the first place.

I'm with SanTEEclaus. Unsurprisingly as I can't cook either. When I do, it's crap so what's the motivation? And don't say - so you can eat. There's plenty of stuff you can warm up and eat these days. DH cooks because he enjoys it and gets something out of it. I hate it. If he wants to cook for me, great. If not, I'm perfectly happy with a sandwich. And no, lasagne is NOT easy. I tried it once. Water-logged mess with rockhard pasta sheets. And I mistakenly used coriander instead of basil. Think I've tried it again??

My other half doesn't cook. I'd love him to, but we've been together so long I just took over the cooking role (he used to 'cook' with pre-made sauces etc) and really don't mind. I get things how I like them, shutting myself in the kitchen gives me some time to me.

Another reason I really don't mind is that he does all the DIY (which is often) and looks after the front and back gardens (which are pretty big).

But are there not things DH does that you don't, like DiY etc?

The trick IMO is to find a cusiine they are interested in and get them to learn to cook that. Also dont underestimate the whole host of little things you have to just "know" just to cook a fairly simple dish.

I do sympathise, and agree that your DH needs to be able to cook. It's just a normal adult skill.

There's a big difference between seeing something and being able to recreate it yourself. I've frequently watched my dad do jobs around the house, but the first few times I try to do them myself, I realise that there were subtleties that I hadn't taken in. It's like at work - the first time someone tries to run a project etc by themselves, they often make a few mistakes, even if they've frequently seen someone else do it. If your DH keeps trying, he'll improve. that's the way of the world.

I don't think that the lasagna can have been inedible, just because it didn't have nearly enough pasta in it. Presumably it was therefore bolognaise sauce and cheese, which sounds rather nice. Forgive my saying htis, but are you usually someone that insists on very high standards from yourself and those around you, and won't accept less?

I also think that lasagna is one which you can screw up completely - you've got to make two different sauces, they both have to be more liquid than they would be otherwise to ensure that the pasta sheets cook in the liquid (if using dried pasta), and you have to make sure that the top pasta sheet is entirely covered in sufficient sauce to allow it to cook without drying the sauce out completely.

My DH learnt to cook at 25 from Delia Smith's 'How to Cook'. Before that, he had quite literally never lifted a wooden spoon. Since then, he's been on several specialist courses, as it's now his main hobby. I warn you, it's equally frustrating to have to wait for your supper because a three course meal is being prepared after work...

I don't get adults who 'can't' be bothered to cook. Its a life skill.

It is a bit silly getting to 38 and not being able to cook, but I think it's partly a confidence thing with blokes. My DH can cook a bit, but he gets very nervous around baking and more complex things because he sees me do it quite well. He will have a go but he's not happy.

Can I suggest my favourite cookbook of the moment as it has step by step pictures of what you have to do, making it very simple, plus linked shopping lists and timings. (I keep recommending it on MN, they are not paying me, honest, but it's just a great book).

To the people who say lasagne is easy: are you making your béchamel from scratch?

I mean béchamel isn't insanely hard, but I wouldn't call it a confidence-boosting newbie thing to cook either.

Oh, and OP YWabitU to be mean about his effort. He does seem to be making an effort and isn't just sitting there like an entitled swine bellowing 'WHERE'S MY DINNER WOMAN?'. OK, so he's not very competent yet but no doubt with encouragement he'll learn.

Vicki my DH does the DIY most of the time but if he wasn't here I could actually do it myself. I just don't because he likes to do it (makes him feel manly?) and I don't particularly enjoy it. He cooks about once a month and it's usually pizza with shop bought bases and him chucking the toppings on, but if I wasn't here he could cook a meal every night for him and DS.

Actually DS can cook a fair few things and knows how to prepare a roast dinner and he's ten. That's a whole other issue though, my brother is 29 and mothered to an extreme, I wanted to make sure DS wasn't brought up unable to fend for himself.

Cooking is not difficult. And the possession of a willy doesn't make it more difficult- unless you're hosting a nudist barbecue. If you can read, you can cook. Hence my assumption that the op's dp can't read.

Nicecupoftea- does he have an I phone. If so, get him to instal the Jamie Oliver 20 minute menus app. Warn him that they take longer than it says. Once he's worked through them he'll be able to cook.

YANBU to be annoyed that he can't cook, but presumably you haven't just met him at 38 unable to cook. If he's your husband then you'll have known him for a number of years, during which his cooking skills have been no better.

And YABU to refuse to eat the cheesy mince, there doesn't sound as if there was anything WRONG with it.

I think it's pretty easy for an adult to not be able to cook if they are not that bothered about food.

You can live perfectly well on soup and bread and meat and cheese and salad and pasta with sauce from a jar and things that you stick in the oven.

It's not what I'd choose to eat but if you're not too bothered about the resulting food it's fairly simple to see why you wouldn't bother cooking.