to be cross with my 38 year old husband for not being able to cook

[nicecupofteaplease]

My husband's repertoire consists of omelette and at a push stir fry. As a result, I always cook. I like cooking, so generally I don't mind. But now and again, it would be nice to come home from work and not cook (and get to eat something other than an omelette).

Last night he said "I'll cook for you if you want, what is there?" - he decided upon a lasagna. Great. Then he asked me to show him how to make a lasagna, which I did. I essentially made both the sauces and he chopped things up. I left him to his own devices to do the layering and said more than once "remember the last layer should be lasagna, topped with cheese sauce".

I was really hungry, and a bit crochety anyway, and I'm afraid I went a bit beserk when he took the lasagna out of the oven and it was topped with a crunchy layer of mince and contained only one lonely layer of lasagna. He'd used two sheets and put the majority of the lasagna sheets back in the fridge (as apparently he'd decided that lasagna does not merit the inclusion of pasta sheets).

I feel a bit sorry for him as he'd wanted to make me dinner, but I am just so frustrated that a 38 year old man cannot make something as simple as a lasagna. It was just a dish of cheesy mince with a slither of pasta somewhere in the middle. Even if he didn't know how to make it, I helped him and gave him pretty easy to follow and clear instructions. It's not rocket science. I'm peeved that he ruined the dinner when I was really looking forward to it, and wasted 3/4 of a pack of lasagna sheets for no good reason. And just once I would love not to cook AND to eat something resembling a decent meal. Is that unreasonable? I probably shouldn't have shouted at him, but for God's sake, how hard can it be?

If, as I suspect, you come to the conclusion that IABU and should've eaten the cheesy mince with a smile on my face, what can I do about it?? Not the lasagna, the lack of any sort of cooking ability.

I think all the people saying lasagna isn't hard are making it from..........jars!

Nah - Tescos :)

Second the Cookbook for Boys, taught our DS the basics with that.

I'm not a great cook by any means and my repetoire when I left home was pretty basic, but after a while I got sick of chicken fajitas so resorted to online recipes.

You are being a bit unreasonable. Never knock any meal that is made (well he tried his best) for you, and always praise it, even if it tastes like crap.

The hardest bit of lasagne is making the sauces, with those done the layering is the easy bit so he was a bit of a plonker, anyone who's eaten lasagne before knows there is more than one layer of pasta. On mine the last layer is always the pasta then a thin layer of white sauce (I don't use cheese sauce, I use bechamel) then a layer of grated cheese on the top. I always try to add at least 3-4 layers of pasta too so it's nice and firm. I don't make the sauces too runny, I hate sloppy lasagne so the meat sauce is always quite thick to start with. yum yum yum.

My dp never cooked at home, he moved in with me at 27 rather skinney living on oven chips and beans on toast... When he got a bit of confidence and got in the kitchen, he is a fab cook! He takes it very seriously, first he studies the cookbooks and takes ages selecting a recipe, goes out and get all the ingredients and then plants himself in the kitchen and won't move until it's finished, he makes sure every step is followed perfectly. Every meal he has made has been gorgeous, he's made rissoto, maccaroni cheese which had haddock in it (was supposed to be prawns but I hate shellfish), he made the best cauli cheese I've ever had (I'm very fussy about cauli cheese) He makes fab pastry from scratch. He always gets me too do fried eggs, sausages and joints of meat but he'll put his hand to anything else.

My kids will be able to cook when they leave home, I think it's rediculous that people let their kids get to adulthood and them not being able to feed themselves anything but convenience food, very sad. I think one of the most important things you can teach your kids is how to cook, so even if they only have a tin of toms, some veggies and a bit of rice in the cupboard they could still make a decent meal for themselves. Even if you aren't confident enough to make your own sauces, you can use jarred sauces and add to them to make them nicer/more interesting, some chopped peppers, sliced mushrooms, extra garlic etc. Cooking is easy, it just takes practice and confidence.

You don't have to strip a boiler every day. You do have to eat every day. And it is now women's fault that men are incompetent.

Not, not now.

I have to admit to messing up lasagne after not having made one for a while. I can cook and had made the sauces but forgot to put sauce below the first layer of pasta (duh!) so ended up with something rather dry and chewy at the bottom.

Learning does require a patient teacher, or time alone with a recipe book and a bit of encouragement. So, while I agree with your general point, I think you let your frustration over-ride your desire for long-term change -understandable but it's not going to happen over night.

*If a boy under the age of 16 can't cook it's because he hasn't been shown by one or both of his parents.

If a man of 38 can't cook it's because he hasn't been arsed to learn a basic life skill. It is his own fault!!!!!!!

Why are men's deficiencies somehow always a woman's fault?*

If he's under 16 and hasn't been shown it sets a precedent that he doesn't have to - someone else will. If he's on his own he might be quite happy to live off ready meals, my dh was, then faced with living with someone and sharing meals they still can't cook and a lot of partners just give in if they themselves can cook and do it themselves instead of teaching their other half.

You have a good point, to an extent it is the man's fault, but equally people have enabled him - parents, spouse.

He didn't screw up the layering - all he did was not layer it exactly as the OP wanted it - despite the fact you can layer it however you want!

Can he read? If he can read, he can cook.

If he can't read, then you've got bigger problems than the cooking...

inmysparetime: babybythesea if he can make bolognese, show him how to make the sauce separately and form the mince into meatballs, or add chilli powder and kidney beans to make chilli. Play to his strengths, build on his basic dishes and he will feel accomplished and manly, and will be more likely to cook again.

You'd think it would be easy to branch out from here, wouldn't you?! I suggested curry (made with sauce from a jar!). As in, fry the meat (although we would be trading mince for chicken!), chop veg and fry with it, and then empty jar over top. Same process, completely different meal.
He won't. He's quite funny about being 'taught' anything so if I try I either get told to leave him alone, he's fine thank you very much, or that if I really want something different I might as well do it myself as it will be quicker. And as I say, he has an apparent inability to learn the one dish he did ask to be shown, so I have now showed him repeatedly but still he asks me every time. If I refuse, he just doesn't cook it and does cheese on toast instead of scrambled eggs.
The issue is that he just doesn't want to learn, and if I left him to it, we'd be eating ready meals and take out. So although I don't enjoy it, I do it because I need to eat decent food.
But then his own father refuses to make so much as a sandwich for himself so spag bol is a huge accomplishment. And he grew up in a very 'macho' culture where men were not expected to do anything around the house other than fix things that broke. So although I find it frustating, I wasn't expecting miracles when I married him.

Of course they should learn but it is much simpler to learn at home as a DC. While you have threads on here where you can't have a toddler in the kitchen, you can't let an 8yr old boil a kettle or use a sharp knife and you can't let the 12yr old cook a meal, or the 15 yr old get a meal cooked while you are out-you haven't a hope!! DCs are quite capable of cooking-they need to be given the chance.

My DH (now 38) never cooked until a couple of years ago and I had ten years of being together of trying to persuade him and him saying he hated it. I didnt mind too much as I like cooking but thought it would be nice. Enquiries about what he ate before we were together gave me no info.

A couple of years ago we were in a thai restaurant and I said that I really wished I was good at cooking thai and chinese food, but I wasnt, so thats why I never cooked it. It turned out that my DH didnt want to cook as he thought he could never make anything as nice as I could. He immediately went out to the chinese supermarket and bought a wok and tools and various spices and a couple of cook books. He now makes chinese or thai once or twice a fortnight and its gorgeous.

I think he likes it now because its not something I cook, I dont really interfere or tell him how to do it he just gets on with it, and its just a little bit 'show-offy' type food if done well. Its his thing and even better he likes to cook it for visitors and guests, so I get out of that one too!

Is there anything that you dont cook that your DH could teach himself without feeling that you would do it better?

Fred he screwed up the layering, lasagne has more than one layer of pasta, it's not like he put all the meat on the bottom, 3 tiers of pasta in the middle and the white sauce on top, he only added one lot of pasta which made it very runny. I'm sure she wouldn't have cared what order it was layered in as long as there was enough pasta to firm up the whole dish.

Carabos,

"I saw a Gnuk, he had a hook,
And on his hook he had a book,
The book was called "how to cook",
But a Gnuk can't read so a Gnuk can't cook,
So what good to a Gnuk is a Gnuk cook book"

or something like that (with apologies to Edward Lear).

I don't think lasagna is a complicated dish at all and op has already stated she was making the sauces and totally guiding him through the whole thing and he still managed to mess up.
I'd have been mad aswell! My ex was the same. When I was pregnant with DD , I had a really bad back one night and asked if he would make dinner one evening as I was exhausted. I knew it would only be beans on toast or something as he ccouldn't cook to save his life, but I didn't care I was tired, in pain and hungry.
I lost the plot when he came through with a pan of lumpy half cooked mashed potato and passed it to me!!!
Even if you can't cook you KNOW not to serve dinner in a hot pan! He knew to serve dinner on a plate.
When I asked him why the potato was uncooked he said he'd looked up how to cook mashed potato on the internet and it said the potato's needed boiling for 20 minutes and he thought that was too long, so did it for 10 minutes instead!!
There wasn't even anything to go with the mashed potato, I was expected to eat from a boiling hot pan, a mound of lumpy, raw potato mixed with a bit of milk and butter!!...................................I'm SO glad he's my ex!!!

You don't have to strip a boiler every day. You do have to eat every day. And it is now women's fault that men are incompetent.

I think that's a pretty narrow view. Incompetence or disinterest at this one skill in life does not imply total incompetence overall.

I think the reason is irrelevant now, just move on and help him learn OP.

I FEEL YOUR PAIN. My DP is actually quite a good cook but we had the 'I'll try and make a lasagna fandango' when we first moved in. WHY IS IT ALWAYS FUCKING LASAGNA?
He asked me how to do it, I told him. He followed it to the tee. EXCEPT

My husband doesnt do any cooking. Not be cause he cant, but because he really isnt confident about it, and doesnt enjoy doing it.

I do all the cooking in this house, but I enjoy it, am a very good cook, and I find it very easy to do, whereas my husband (who can strip a boiler, as well as a car engine, can read, and loves watching cookery programmes) gets in a complete flap with more than one ingredient.

He appreciates the fact that I shouldnt have to cook everyday though, and his solution to this is that he will take me out for dinner, or buy us a takeaway at least once a week.

That compromise suits me. :)

Plenty of adult women can't cook either so I think it's a bit unfair to make out it's a man problem. My SIL is 30 and can't manage more than a stirfry without a massive drama.

IIWY I would suggest getting him to make 1 dinner a week, something simple, to build up his repetoire - if he wants to. If he doesn't like cooking there is no point IMO

"You don't have to strip a boiler every day. You do have to eat every day. And it is now women's fault that men are incompetent.

I think that's a pretty narrow view. Incompetence or disinterest at this one skill in life does not imply total incompetence overall."

I'm not saying it is. It's just that posters were equating a man not being able to produce a decent meal for his family with a woman not being able to strip a boiler. And I was pointing out that not being able to strip a boiler is hardly a life skill! It's something that it would be great to be able to do on occasion to avoid the cost of getting someone to do it for you, but is not the same as not being able to do the simple daily tasks that keep a family running smoothly.

sorry clicked too soon

the white sauce didn't work. He spent 45 mins trying to make it work (this was at 9.45) before eventually asking me for help. He had decided against making a roux as that would take too long
He had 'chopped' the onions into inch wide slices and then not bothered to fry them off, as that would, you guessed it take to long.
He then also decided he wanted to 'add his own touch' and sliced up a whole (v expensive) Parmesan rather than grating it.

I like you was faint with hunger and weepy when it was presented to me. I got cross, I shouted and I sulked.

yanbu.

YABU not to have eaten the meal, and your reaaction sounds a bit OTT, but I would definitely have been annoyed if he had offered to make a lasagne, and accepted all your help, heard your instructions, and then still not have done it correctly.

Lasagne is NOT complicated, and I do NOT make it from jars. Mince, passata, onions, other veg, in saucepan on hob. Cheese sauce - milk, cheese and flour. Layer pasta. Alternate sauces. How is that complicated? I've been making it since I was about ten.

My DH is 38. He's a fantastic cook. We share the cooking equally. Last night he made a cheesey bean cottage pie which he left too long in the oven and the smoke alarm went off and woke up 1 yr old DD who then wouldn't go back to sleep so in that respect I was but that's a WHOLE other thread but off his own bat as I was back late.

Fair enough if you knew he couldn't cook when you got together, but I'm pretty sure it's not a make or break asset in relationship terms.... Show me a woman who DOESNT think she can change the man she wants to marry and I'll show you a woman with 3 boobs.

It drives me to distraction that my DH can't/won't cook.

I accept that mid week he doesn't get home in time and that we often eat out at weekends, but still...

That said, if DH did suddenly start cooking he would be the type to do ludicrously ambitious things with millions of ingredienets imported from the Galapagos and pans a-go-go. He would also have no thought for health/calorie/fat intake and we would all the size of houses.

My FIL cannot cook either. My MIL has to leave him with batches of food and precise instructions on how to use the microwave if she goes away for a few days.

God knows what's going to happen to him if she dies first.