to get the woman to remove her shoes or is she BU by being rude?

[teddiegoestopeckham]

my BIL came over today with his new partner to meet me and DH (his brother). They came over for a few hours for a late lunch/tea.

Anyway i open the door for them (BIL already holding his coat :) ). anyway all the hellos, hugs, come in etc.
BIL automatically takes his shoes off and puts some of the slippers we have out for guests.
She looks very shocked by this and doesn't make a move to either take off her shoes or even ask if i would like her to take her shoes off (i am barefoot)

Anyway when I realise that she isn't taking her shoes off and asks her nicely and politely if she would mind taking her shoes off and if she would like we have slippers for guests (we have a pile like the ones BIL put on and they are very obvious)

BIL looks a bit awkward at his point and then she says' 'no, thank you' and walks though.

I was just stunned and so was BIL obviously.

But it would have been rude to say anything so i just let her carry on. And told DH when he came in about 15mins later not to say anything.

I'm japanese - and to me leaving your shoes on when entering someones house is a no no. I have managed over the years to be okay if someone just walks in to pick something up or drop something off. but if someone is coming in properly. They take their shoes off.

Even forgetting the culture I and this comes from - sure it is rude to reply like that when you are a guest into someones home?

or AIBU in asking people to remove their shoes upon entering??
I'm doubting both now...

Yes then they stick their noses in just to make sure. And they stick their noses in each other's butts.

In order to find a person, they have to stick their noses into an object belonging to that person, first.

I give up

..E.g. a shoe.

Thank GOD! I am getting a bit confused myself

Thats a good point Lollopy, she said "no thank you" as if she understood it was an option not a request.

I still think the whole "shoes off" thing is pretentious and something the middle classes invented to show everyone how expensive their carpets are! Go to an upper class home and you would never be expected to take your shoes off cos its too bleeding cold!

this is enormous fun

Me too! My brain hurts

difficult one.

On the one hand its your culture, but on the other, I'd think asking someone to wear slippers is a bit snobbish.

I expect all my guests to remove shoes but dont make an issue if they dont.

If its your culture however, then I think you or your DH need to speak to your BIL and make it clear. Its your home as well I guess.

What has happened since? I'm curious to know!

I think everyone is both Right, and Wrong.

It's really funny for me because I am sitting here while my cat is lay on the carpet licking her bottom!

trifle then you must hate around 130 million people in japan and countless other millions of people around the world for whom taking off your shoes is not just a personal choice but a cultural tradition handed down along the centuries. To me it is a taboo and a insult on the host to wear your shoes inside a house (that is the only way I can think of explaining it -sorry) not forgetting the millions for whom it is just a personal choice.
I know it divides people but know one has ever done that to me since I have been here (since i was 22) - I think most people know i'm japanese so....

Umm the rest of the visit went okay - she seemed nice enough and can see why BIL likes her - but would bet MIL will not like her :)

Not the middle classes, Bogey, it's the doiley knitters who do this

Red rosette. Guest disgraced herself by not washing her hands after doing a poo, spitting in the trifle, and was never invited back. I expect.

OP, are you still here? How did the rest of the visit go?

X post op . Shame. Was hoping for more drama.

lol sparkling! you women are hilarious. i joined mumsnet about 2 months ago and i just sit and laugh here most nights, my husband says im a loser. loser shmoozer, this is fun! ha ha ha

I always take my shoes off when visiting someone's house. I was brought up to do so, and thought it was common courtesy.
YANBU. :)

Dogs clean their bums though don't they?

ii don't think i know anyone who has a no shoe house. Maybe like is drawn to like

Totally with olderyetwilder on this one. Shoes off is hopelessly lower middle, pardon, lounge, Hyacinth Bouquet type behaviour. Telling adults (guests!) explicitly how to behave makes me cringe. My friends mother was obsessed with people taking their shoes off she used to yell at us as teenagers "SHOES OFF" and she embodied everything I swore never to be when I grew up.

Normal people look around and if they see virgin cream carpets slip off their shoes. If they see battered rugs, floorboards and draughts they keep them on. I think OP was BU.

You couldn't take your shoes off before coming into our house unless you wanted to do it outside (front door opens directly into the front room). But if I came to your house and you asked me to take my shoes off I definitely would. Not only for politeness but cos I bloody hate wearing shoes.

Another shoes off house here. My DH is Arab and it is usual in their culture to take shoes off in the house. Once I got into the habit I noticed how much cleaner the floors stay.

I don't tend to ask people but most people notice if all of us are not wearing shoes and take theirs off.

Given that much of Asia, the Middle East, North Africa, parts of Europe and quite a few people in Britain choose not have outdoor shoes in their house, its hardly an unusual request.

and the japanese
and the Thais
and the Sweds
and some parts of india
and I was expected to do the same in hawaii
and countless more.

I think there should be a to the OP for coming back and giving us an update. I shouldn't have mentioned the dogs probably.

What do you do if you don't have a hall? We have a tiny lobby that opens out into the dining room. I can't imagine having a dinner party with a pile of smelly shoes in the corner. And whoever invented cream carpets for precious people to put in high-traffic rooms needs to be shot.