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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get the woman to remove her shoes or is she BU by being rude?

503 replies

teddiegoestopeckham · 29/11/2011 20:35

my BIL came over today with his new partner to meet me and DH (his brother). They came over for a few hours for a late lunch/tea.

Anyway i open the door for them (BIL already holding his coat :) ). anyway all the hellos, hugs, come in etc.
BIL automatically takes his shoes off and puts some of the slippers we have out for guests.
She looks very shocked by this and doesn't make a move to either take off her shoes or even ask if i would like her to take her shoes off (i am barefoot)

Anyway when I realise that she isn't taking her shoes off and asks her nicely and politely if she would mind taking her shoes off and if she would like we have slippers for guests (we have a pile like the ones BIL put on and they are very obvious)

BIL looks a bit awkward at his point and then she says' 'no, thank you' and walks though.

I was just stunned and so was BIL obviously.

But it would have been rude to say anything so i just let her carry on. And told DH when he came in about 15mins later not to say anything.

I'm japanese - and to me leaving your shoes on when entering someones house is a no no. I have managed over the years to be okay if someone just walks in to pick something up or drop something off. but if someone is coming in properly. They take their shoes off.

Even forgetting the culture I and this comes from - sure it is rude to reply like that when you are a guest into someones home?

or AIBU in asking people to remove their shoes upon entering??
I'm doubting both now...

OP posts:
AKMD · 30/11/2011 10:22

YANBU, your BIL's gf was incredibly rude to say no to a direct request. I can see why you and your BIL were stunned - it probably never even occurred to him that it would be an issue or that a request would even be needed.

Shoes are off in my house and anyone who objected that vociferously would not be coming back.

FantasticVoyage · 30/11/2011 10:23

Can OP please keep us updated on the status of BIL's/rude woman's relationship? Thx.

NewsClippings · 30/11/2011 12:23

If I was ordered to take my shoes off I wouldn't visit again. So unhospitable and unwelcoming.

tabulahrasa · 30/11/2011 12:48

"wouldnt you 'shoes on' ppl feel rather embaressed marching into someones home where the cultural norm is 'shoes off'. Everyone else has removed shoes and you are the one insisting keeping your outdoor wear on.
Weird."

I wouldn't insist on keeping them on, I'd just feel uncomfortable in silence and remember that they made me take my shoes off so not go back again.

NinkyNonker · 30/11/2011 12:50

Cultural norm is different, but other than that I think it is rude to make guests uncomfortable.

ZZZenAgain · 30/11/2011 12:51

since you asked her to remove her shoes and offered her slippers and she effectively ignored you and chose to do what she wanted instead, obviously against the wishes of her host, well in my eyes, she is really very rude. A lot of people are not keen to take their shoes off indoors. We have had a lot of threads about this I recall.

jen127 · 30/11/2011 14:17

Your house your rules end of discussion ! Regardless of culture !
If I asked some one not to somke in my house and they did, they would leave very quickly.......

IloveJudgeJudy · 30/11/2011 14:21

I think probably what happened was she had no idea before she went there that she would have to take her shoes off. It wouldn't have occurred to me, either. If the dwelling had been in Japan, then I would have thought about it, but not here in UK. We don't know what kind of feet she has or what kind of flooring OP has. That to my mind, makes a big difference. Now she knows, then she can be prepared next time.

cocoachannel · 30/11/2011 14:34

She was very, very rude.

Those who argue 'when in Rome', might want to consider how they'd live if they emigrate. I know lots of Brits who live in Australia, watch Corrie (a friend used to have videos of it sent to her by her Mum) and cook a roast on Sundays in the heat of a Queensland summer. You make your home what ever you need it to be to make it your home!

FWIW, I love the idea of a pile of clean slippers for guests. Nice and comfy. And they cover up feet if you wish. My ILs have a no shoes in the house rule (they're from the North East, so it's not cultural), so I always take a pair of sock slippers when we visit because their house is so cold! Maybe you could suggest to your BIL that he buys his new girlfriend a lovely pair of cashmere slipper socks for their visits to you?

iloveberries · 30/11/2011 14:39

YANBU - we're a shoes off house, it's vile when people come in with the shoes they've trampled through their days on.

BUT - maybe she was a bit intimidated by the slipper thing. Would you have let her go barefoot?

My SIL has special slippers which we have to wear at her house. It bothers me as i would rather just go barefoot but we're not allowed. Her house, her rules.

bemybebe · 30/11/2011 14:45

My dad was invited once to go to a house of a japanese couple. He was asked to remove shoes, but refused. He was not let in. I was really cross with him.

He later explained that he wore the same socks for a week - smelly and with holes. I say serves him fucking right for being so disgusting!

Toughasoldboots · 30/11/2011 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArtVandelay · 30/11/2011 15:06

Yuck to communal slippers, yuck to putting the socks that go in my shoes on a floor and yuck to wearing shoes in the house. I bring my own slippers or extra socks when I visit others. I do realise that this might be a bit extreme.

CoffeeOne · 30/11/2011 15:11

I would take my shoes off if asked, but personally I think it's rude to ask. If your shoes are clean there shouldn't be a problem. I think asking people to take their shoes off makes them very uncomfortable and can see why a lot of people wouldn't want to. I never ask people to take shoes off in my house. We have a mat to wipe feet = no problems.

KalSkirata · 30/11/2011 15:17

shoes are not clean though. They are outisde things. Same as coats. You take your coat off dont you?

tigerlillyd02 · 30/11/2011 15:17

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask someone to remove their shoes in your home.

To be honest, we always take our shoes off at home. But, I personally wouldn't ask a guest to - would hope they'd do so themselves but it's not a big deal if they don't.

I remember going to a house once and normally I automatically take shoes off but on this one occasion I just simply forgot. Anyway I wasn't asked, but on the way out the woman said "next time you visit, it'd be polite if you took your shoes off". I was mortified! Needless to say, I didn't visit again.

smartyparts · 30/11/2011 15:20

She was rude not to accede to your request.

But I would never ask a guest to remove their shoes.

Disclaimer - dog owner, low standards.

Floggingmolly · 30/11/2011 15:21

Rude as hell. To ignore a direct request is pretty mind blowingly arrogant! How did the rest of the visit go? Hope to God she has some redeeming features Smile

tigerlillyd02 · 30/11/2011 15:23

Oh and just to add - I had a social worker visit my home last year (when being assessed to take on a child). I'd got all cream carpets and the morning she came decided to vax the living room one, just to freshen it up a bit. One occasion I didn't want someone to take their shoes off (because it was damp) - she did! I was uncomfortable in so many ways. One because she'd know I'd cleaned it especially for her visit and also she was having to walk on quite a damp carpet Blush
It didn't affect the situation though as I still took on the wonderful child :)

mayorquimby · 30/11/2011 15:25

I think it's rude to insist another adult take off their shoes but different strokes and all that.
What would the op's attitude have been if the woman replied "sorry no I don't do that" or something along those lines and left because she didn't want to break her house rules?

CoffeeOne · 30/11/2011 15:35

KalSkirata yes I take my coat off, however if someone wanted to keep their coat on in my house then that's their decision. That's kind of my point, unless someone's shoes were filthy I'm not going to make them feel uncomfortable in my home. You never know what insecurities or issues people have and I think being barefoot is a very personal thing and something I wouldn't impose on someone (talking generally not about OP here). My DP has rather smelly feet and is mortified if he has to take his shoes off. What if someone had verucas? Or another condition and may not be wearing socks? Like I said, if I am asked I will do it, but do think it's a rude thing to request personally.

TheFrothingBerserker · 30/11/2011 15:51

When visitors ask whether they should take their shoes off, my husband tends to tell them to keep them on because otherwise their might get dirty feet. Blush We don't have any carpets though. I'm happy to take my shoes off at other people's houses and I think to refuse a polite request to remove shoes is really quite rude.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/11/2011 15:58

I grew up in a shoes off house in a shoes on country. I know a lot of Japanese and Middle Eastern people and am happy to take shoes off. I now live in a shoes off country Grin .

However, I can see that she might have issues. She might have really smelly feet or bunions or ichoos or whatever. Your BIL should have warned her so she could have a pedicure then she could have decided.

I have been warned by people that I will be expected to take my shoes off in certain houses, particularly when people have tatami mats or beautiful hand-made rugs (as I do now). It is like someone coming in and putting their stinky outside shoes up on your sofa in that case.

KalSkirata · 30/11/2011 16:03

Everyone knows my house is shoes off and if they visit brings slippers/socks etc
I let people know in advance. If they dont want to visit then fine.But most of my friends are from shoes-off countries anyhow and think its a bit yucky wearing shoes indoors.

CotesduRhone · 30/11/2011 16:05

While understanding that it's a cultural thing for you, I would be horrified if asked to take off my shoes in a house. I can't imagine anything calculated to make me more uncomfortable. And I think it's more rude to make your guests feel uncomfortable than anything else.

I would be polite and take them off if requested, but I doubt I'd come to your house again. I certainly wouldn't be able to concentrate on the conversation.