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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to get the woman to remove her shoes or is she BU by being rude?

503 replies

teddiegoestopeckham · 29/11/2011 20:35

my BIL came over today with his new partner to meet me and DH (his brother). They came over for a few hours for a late lunch/tea.

Anyway i open the door for them (BIL already holding his coat :) ). anyway all the hellos, hugs, come in etc.
BIL automatically takes his shoes off and puts some of the slippers we have out for guests.
She looks very shocked by this and doesn't make a move to either take off her shoes or even ask if i would like her to take her shoes off (i am barefoot)

Anyway when I realise that she isn't taking her shoes off and asks her nicely and politely if she would mind taking her shoes off and if she would like we have slippers for guests (we have a pile like the ones BIL put on and they are very obvious)

BIL looks a bit awkward at his point and then she says' 'no, thank you' and walks though.

I was just stunned and so was BIL obviously.

But it would have been rude to say anything so i just let her carry on. And told DH when he came in about 15mins later not to say anything.

I'm japanese - and to me leaving your shoes on when entering someones house is a no no. I have managed over the years to be okay if someone just walks in to pick something up or drop something off. but if someone is coming in properly. They take their shoes off.

Even forgetting the culture I and this comes from - sure it is rude to reply like that when you are a guest into someones home?

or AIBU in asking people to remove their shoes upon entering??
I'm doubting both now...

OP posts:
belgo · 30/11/2011 08:56

BluddyMoFo exactly!

StealthPenguin · 30/11/2011 08:56

If wanting people to abide by your rules and not trample dirt throughout your house is bloody-minded, I may as well just change my nickname to it then.

Hullygully · 30/11/2011 08:56

belgo, that is interesting.

would you think that someone asking you to cover your shoulders in a church/mosque was being "bloody minded?"

belgo · 30/11/2011 08:57

hullygully no because that is for religious reasons. Very different.

Hullygully · 30/11/2011 08:57

It's a terribly english-centric and parochial attitude not to be prepared to adapt oneself to other cultural mores.

Bring back Alf Garnett.

StealthPenguin · 30/11/2011 08:57

Hang on! How bitchy can you be?!

"OMGOMGOMG EWWW! The OP expects us to wear manky disgusting athletes-foot slippers that probably have AIDS and Cancer and tuberculosis on them! EW EW EW"

and then

"OMFG!! SHE ACTUALLY WASHES HER SLIPPERS?! Fucking hell, obsessive much?!"

I fucking hate Mumsnet sometimes. You just can't win.

Hmm
Hullygully · 30/11/2011 08:58

why is it different?

Hullygully · 30/11/2011 08:58

I think Bluddy was joking, weren't you?

BluddyMoFo · 30/11/2011 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

belgo · 30/11/2011 08:59

Because showing respect to a God is not comparable to removing shoes for cleanliness reasons.

StealthPenguin · 30/11/2011 08:59

Yes. Because, mercifully, everyone is not like you.

BluddyMoFo · 30/11/2011 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hullygully · 30/11/2011 09:01

You are not showing respect to a god, you are showing respect for that person's belief in a god (that you may not share) ie you are respecting the person. Why not respect the cultural belief of a Japanese person?

BluddyMoFo · 30/11/2011 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hullygully · 30/11/2011 09:02

In face, why not respect others' cultural mores?

really, why on earth not?

Hullygully · 30/11/2011 09:02
StealthPenguin · 30/11/2011 09:02

If someone wants you to take your shoes off when you are in their house, then you should take them off.If someone wants you to put your mug on a coaster, you put your mug on a coaster. If someone wants you to not fiddle about with the TV controls then you don't fiddle about with the tv controls. When they are in your home, they should do as you wish, so when you are in their home you should abide by the same rules.

Whatmeworry · 30/11/2011 09:03

God or no god, what sort of person refuses a request by a host....

Sparklingbrook · 30/11/2011 09:04

Morning all. Had to go to bed. Anywhere near a decision yet? Confused

BluddyMoFo · 30/11/2011 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

belgo · 30/11/2011 09:05

Cultural beliefs are not the same as religious beliefs. And I sdon't think the OP is talking about cultural 'beliefs' just 'culture, which differs to her guest's culture and I don't see why the host's culture should take precedence over the culture of the guest. The other way round I would say for the guest's comfort.

The Catholic church is famously inconsistent with expecting women to cover up or not and I do not this should always be respected (being a catholic myself).

Hullygully · 30/11/2011 09:05
virgiltracey · 30/11/2011 09:05

We have a strict no shoes rule in this house for family. Plus extended family. I tell them to take their shoes off when they walk through the door and PIL now have their own slippers here since they know the rule. BUT, whilst I am crying inside at the thought of the dirt on my cream carpets, if a visitor who I am not close to came in and asked should they take their shoes off rather than taking them off automatically when they see the pile of shoes left (deliberately) by the door as a prompt, I inevitably find myself saying "no, don't worry its fine!" - even though its not.

If people then don't take their shoes off then I think that's a bit rude, they can see that shoes are not worn in the house. Who wants mud and germs all over their floor?

belgo · 30/11/2011 09:06

What sort of host tries to press her culture onto her guest.

Hullygully · 30/11/2011 09:06

In Japan it is absolutely a strict part of the culture.

Do you really not think you should respect that?

Would you keep your shoes on in Japan?

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