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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get the woman to remove her shoes or is she BU by being rude?

503 replies

teddiegoestopeckham · 29/11/2011 20:35

my BIL came over today with his new partner to meet me and DH (his brother). They came over for a few hours for a late lunch/tea.

Anyway i open the door for them (BIL already holding his coat :) ). anyway all the hellos, hugs, come in etc.
BIL automatically takes his shoes off and puts some of the slippers we have out for guests.
She looks very shocked by this and doesn't make a move to either take off her shoes or even ask if i would like her to take her shoes off (i am barefoot)

Anyway when I realise that she isn't taking her shoes off and asks her nicely and politely if she would mind taking her shoes off and if she would like we have slippers for guests (we have a pile like the ones BIL put on and they are very obvious)

BIL looks a bit awkward at his point and then she says' 'no, thank you' and walks though.

I was just stunned and so was BIL obviously.

But it would have been rude to say anything so i just let her carry on. And told DH when he came in about 15mins later not to say anything.

I'm japanese - and to me leaving your shoes on when entering someones house is a no no. I have managed over the years to be okay if someone just walks in to pick something up or drop something off. but if someone is coming in properly. They take their shoes off.

Even forgetting the culture I and this comes from - sure it is rude to reply like that when you are a guest into someones home?

or AIBU in asking people to remove their shoes upon entering??
I'm doubting both now...

OP posts:
belgo · 30/11/2011 08:20

YABU. I hate shoes in my house but I would never ask a guest to remove their shoes because as the host, it is my job to ensure that my guest is relaxed and comfortable.

I would never ask something that may make them feel uncomfortable.

FellatioNelson · 30/11/2011 08:20

Completely agree with HarryHillatemygoldfish on page 1. Haven't bothrered to read further than that as I imagine it will be a fair dull and predictable debate. Grin

Culturally I relasie it is totally normal to you, but from the persective of an English person I hate it when someone expects adults to automatically remove shoes. Fine if they are mud-caked jackboots, but otherwise no. It makes them feel ill at ease.

FellatioNelson · 30/11/2011 08:21

carabos that sounds like a tedious nightmare!

Hullygully · 30/11/2011 08:26

We don't wear outdoor shoes in the house, and I prefer it if others don't, but leave it up to them to notice and/or choose. (I wash the dog's feet when she has been for a walk btw).

If I went to a house where it was clearly expected I remove them, I would happily do so.

fragola · 30/11/2011 08:31

YANBU and there are plenty of people from the UK who expect people to take their shoes off too. From my experience, it's more of a working class thing. People couldn't afford to replace carpets/rugs easily if they became dirty, people understood and respected this, so removed their shoes when visiting.

I would feel very rude if I didn't remove my shoes when visiting someones house.

Also, I think research has found that most of the lead dust in houses is tracked in from outside on shoes, along with all sorts of other nasty things like pesticides. Not nice if there's small children crawling around on the floors.

FellatioNelson · 30/11/2011 08:33

I never have carpets downstaris though, for that very reason. I do prefer people to remove their shoes upstairs, but apart from the kid's friends and the odd workman/cleaner people rarely go upstairs.

FellatioNelson · 30/11/2011 08:35

'I hate shoes in my house but I would never ask a guest to remove their shoes because as the host, it is my job to ensure that my guest is relaxed and comfortable.'

Yes Belgo, that's pretty much my attitiude too, although I wouldn't say I hate it, it really depends on the state of the shoes!

StealthPenguin · 30/11/2011 08:46

I think some of the attitudes on here are disgusting, to be honest.

What if someone went to spark up a cigarette in your home, and when you mention to them that, actually, you'd rather they smoke outside they told you "No", and did it anyway?

Or what if you've invited someone around for dinner, you offer them something and they say "No" and start rummaging through your cupboards to find something that they would prefer to eat instead?

Your house. Your rules Irrespective of culture, people should respect the sanctity of your own home! Especially if they are an invited guest! People having a random knock on the door and popping in for 2 minutes to hand over a parcel or deliver a fridge, that I can understand. They'll only be there a minimum amount of time. But if you've gone out of your way to invite someone to your home, and then they deliberately chuck all of your house rules into your face, then they aren't someone who you should be socializing with in the first place.

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 30/11/2011 08:47

If it's okay to leave them on for a party, why is it not okay for a visit?

Surely there is the same likelihood of dirt and shit getting in ? Hmm

And no bloody way would I be going to a party dressed up to the nines to be told to put on some skanky slippers with my LBD! Can you imagine dancing in them?!

Hullygully · 30/11/2011 08:47

Oh yes, I forgot to say that i think she was extraordinarily rude irrespective of people's personal shoe views!

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 30/11/2011 08:48

Of course, smoking is exactly the same as wearing shoes . Great analogy! Hmm

Does wearing shoes cause cancer and asthma and make the house stink?

StealthPenguin · 30/11/2011 08:50

HarryHillAteMyGoldfish.

Here is the point. ---> point

You missed it.

belgo · 30/11/2011 08:51

Good point HarryHillatemygoldfish about the party. I've only been asked once to remove my shoes at a friend's house; I did so but I refused to put on the slippers that she provided because I don't want to wear someone else's slippers. I would rather bare feet.

Smoking is totally different as it is a health risk.

Hullygully · 30/11/2011 08:51

Technically you could argue that it does.

Shoes track mercury and other heavy metals into the home, all known carcinogens, and can indeed make the house smell.

StealthPenguin · 30/11/2011 08:51

I was trying to highlight just how rude this bloody-minded woman was being. Anyone who doesn't like smoking in their home would be aghast to watch someone spark up, so why is it any different for someone who doesn't like shoes in the house to be offended when someone refuses to cooperate with their completely reasonable request?

Hullygully · 30/11/2011 08:52

As another technical point of interest:

THE OP SAID HOURS AGO ALL SLIPPERS ARE WASHED AFTER EVERY WEAR AND PLACED IN PLASTIC BAGS

StealthPenguin · 30/11/2011 08:53

It's the equivalent of bringing your muddy, river-swimming dog into a house that's owned by someone who doesn't like dogs. OP was incredibly reasonable in her request and to be met with just a "No" is appalling.

belgo · 30/11/2011 08:53

Hullygully in that case you need to clean the floor more often.

And get rid of carpets; carpets are rare in Europe outside of the UK as they are seen as being unhygienic (which they are>

pengymum · 30/11/2011 08:54

We are a shoes off house. I take my coat off when I come inside my home or anyone else's and same with shoes. Have slippers for guest or socks if they prefer. But if someone is only in the house for a bit, I don't fuss now
Family and friends take off shoes automatically as we have done this for years. I started when I had new carpets - liked the feel of it, was a bit precious tbh but also didn't like the idea of having the stuff from the pavement/garden indoors!. Got even more precious with pfb and have never looked back! Guests were a bit Shock at first but as I generally have friends in my home, they accepted my explanation and most, if not all (including parents) now have the same rule themselves! Can't think of anyone who doesn't now

I like the idea of a no shoe sign outside though! I am going to make one up and laminate it! Grin

Don't do dogs in my family. Dogs are gross! Not only do they stick their noses everywhere, they eat poo and stuff and roll around in it!
IF I had a dog, it would be washed everyday, have to use mouthwash and brush teeth and wear shoes outdoors and coat and wash its bottom/face/mouth after using the loo.

Can't see dog liking that much, so don't have dog.

I wash my hands/use wipes or sanitiser after petting someone else's dog (don't mind the dog, just the habits!) and would never let a dog lick my face! Grosses me out when I see people doing that.

Cats, on the other hand, are a law unto themselves but at least they clean their own butts and don't go round slobbering or licking everything.
Don't have cats any more now though. Sad

Anyway back to the topic - YANBU, your visitor should have removed shoes and worn slippers as they were obviously fresh. Your home, your rules.

Of course, it could be that she was wearing 'party' shoes, which only go from house to car and vice versa, in which case she should have explained.
Brew
(likes the idea of taking indoor shoes in bag to parties)

BluddyMoFo · 30/11/2011 08:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hullygully · 30/11/2011 08:54

I don't have carpets belgo.

Another advantage of no outdoor shoes, is that you rarely have to wash the floor because it .... doesn't get dirty!

What's not to like?

belgo · 30/11/2011 08:54

StealthPenguin you see I think that the host was being bloody minded in wanting all guests to take their shoes off.

StealthPenguin · 30/11/2011 08:54

Hullygully Wed 30-Nov-11 08:52:47
As another technical point of interest:

THE OP SAID HOURS AGO ALL SLIPPERS ARE WASHED AFTER EVERY WEAR AND PLACED IN PLASTIC BAGS

Also as another point of interest

The OP has specified that she herself was not wearing slippers. In the original post! The slippers are completely optional. BILs partner could have easily removed her shoes and remained in socks/barefoot. And if she were THAT funny about her feet, then she should put some slippers on.

pengymum · 30/11/2011 08:55

To me it is like wearing your outdoor coat indoors Confused

BluddyMoFo · 30/11/2011 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.