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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get the woman to remove her shoes or is she BU by being rude?

503 replies

teddiegoestopeckham · 29/11/2011 20:35

my BIL came over today with his new partner to meet me and DH (his brother). They came over for a few hours for a late lunch/tea.

Anyway i open the door for them (BIL already holding his coat :) ). anyway all the hellos, hugs, come in etc.
BIL automatically takes his shoes off and puts some of the slippers we have out for guests.
She looks very shocked by this and doesn't make a move to either take off her shoes or even ask if i would like her to take her shoes off (i am barefoot)

Anyway when I realise that she isn't taking her shoes off and asks her nicely and politely if she would mind taking her shoes off and if she would like we have slippers for guests (we have a pile like the ones BIL put on and they are very obvious)

BIL looks a bit awkward at his point and then she says' 'no, thank you' and walks though.

I was just stunned and so was BIL obviously.

But it would have been rude to say anything so i just let her carry on. And told DH when he came in about 15mins later not to say anything.

I'm japanese - and to me leaving your shoes on when entering someones house is a no no. I have managed over the years to be okay if someone just walks in to pick something up or drop something off. but if someone is coming in properly. They take their shoes off.

Even forgetting the culture I and this comes from - sure it is rude to reply like that when you are a guest into someones home?

or AIBU in asking people to remove their shoes upon entering??
I'm doubting both now...

OP posts:
IloveJudgeJudy · 30/11/2011 00:07

I'd hate to be asked to take my shoes off. I only was once, at DH's bro's house. Their house was freezing. The downstairs floors were all tiled, except for the living-room. They were OK, they all had leather slippers. I hadn't expected to be asked as we were dressed up for a family party at Christmas. I absolutely hated it and they didn't take their shoes off at our house!

We haven't been asked to take off our shoes again, though. I don't think I would, next time. I don't like it. I definitely wouldn't want to wear someone else's slippers, at all. We've all had verrucaes in this house and wouldn't want to take the chance of catching some more.

I sort of think OP was rude to ask and gf was sort of rude to say "no, thank you", however, I think her reply shows that the way it was put was a question. Also, just because everyone else takes off their shoes - Thais, Japanese, Norwegians, etc, doesn't mean that we have to, surely! It's not really our culture to do that. It's only come about that people have talked about it in the last few years

dancingmustard · 30/11/2011 00:38

Both the host and the guest are technically wrong.

I think i'll invite my lovely Asian(Hindu) neighbours for a few tins of double strength lager and a scabby kebab.
And if they don't drink and eat what's on offer they are being very rude :)

lisaro · 30/11/2011 01:11

Maybe she was completely taken aback by your request. I certainly would have been. I appreciate it's your culture, but it's a very weird thing over here. So maybe that's why she responded as she did. TBH, I probably wouldn't visit you if I knew you if that was requested or expected each time I did.

Kladdkaka · 30/11/2011 01:32

They do this in Sweden too. When we moved here we thought 'when in Rome' and all that and started doing the same. Broke my toe 2 weeks later in circumstances which would have been entirely avoided had I been wearing shoes. Lesson learnt.

dancingmustard · 30/11/2011 01:34

Did you trip over an errant shoe Kladdkaka?

Kladdkaka · 30/11/2011 01:36

:o Nah, stubbed it on bloody packing crate.

StealthPenguin · 30/11/2011 05:47

:O I think she was being incredibly rude! Rules are the same in my MILs house where I currently live, and the rules will be the same if when DP and I move out!

My mother hasn't got a rule like this and therefore has to steam-clean her cream carpets with an industrial machine-thing ever other week because of the amount of crap that's trampled throughout the downstairs and on the hallway upstairs too.

I think it's really disgusting - I would have made her sit outside. I can't believe you actually had to request! She saw what BIL was doing and should have followed his lead. A bit bloody-minded IMO.

Crabapple99 · 30/11/2011 06:00

Mabe she was embarrassed by holes in hertights or something. I have friends who like us to remove our shoes, I always have a clean pair of socks in my bag when I go there, as my tights ALWAYS have holes in by evening....
I hope next time she comes, she will be expecting to remove her shoes, and if she doesn't want to wear your slippers, she will have something else herself. Maybe give her another chance before decideing she was rude? She will have no excuse to be unprepared next time.

runningwilde · 30/11/2011 06:24

She was rude!

What are you going to say next time op?

FrauHolle · 30/11/2011 06:36

Having lived in Asia and Scandinavia I empathise with your feelings about outdoor shoes in the house. I am part Asian and I shudder when my husband (English) tramples all over the house in his sneakers. We also have small children in the house who pick things up from the floor and eat them...

Knowing your culture where even ambulance people remove their shoes and you have extra slippers for the loos I am extremely [shocked] at her behaviour.

I would have said: 'Actually, this wasn't a question.'
I'm sorry she was being so rude. If she comes again hand her a pair of slippers and say: Please put those on before you come in, thank you.

Then turn around and leave her to it. If she comes in with her outdoor shoes you should ask her outright why she feels the need to disrespect your wishes. Or rather have your BIL drum some sense into her.

Your house, your rules. She can wait outside next time.

TroublesomeEx · 30/11/2011 07:24

She might have been embarrassed about really stinky feet or a hole in her socks! Hopefully, she'll be more prepared next time now she knows the expectations....

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 30/11/2011 07:30

It is your culture, yes but you live in the UK and it isn't ours so you have to be a bit flexible, I'm afraid.

LoveBeingAFirework · 30/11/2011 07:33

It is your culture, yes but you live in the UK and it isn't ours so you have to be a bit flexible, I'm afraid.

No she doesnt it's not my 'culture', it's not how I was brought up but I still ask people to do it and I've never had anyone refuse.

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 30/11/2011 07:40

But the OP is doing it because it is her culture in Japan.

I would always remove my shoes, if asked. I might not like it but I would and the next time I'd bring indoor shoes with me. I think it's rude not to but I also think it's a bit rude to insist!

Whatmeworry · 30/11/2011 07:40

or AIBU in asking people to remove their shoes upon entering??

No, especially as you are Japanese, anyone with a modicum of education would know your traditions and a smidgin of manners would take their shoes off.

You behaved impeccably, see if she does it next time. If I was BIL I'd be looking at new squeeze more carefully after that.

TOTU · 30/11/2011 07:41

OP, I think your guest was rude. It's not an unusual request these days. I'm in the UK btw.

For the past 5 or 10 years, I've had to take my shoes off when I visit my sisters houses.

I've also had a lot of workmen round recently who automatically go to take their shoes off (without asking) before they set foot through the porch, but I tell them not to bother. We all clomp around in shoes in my house Grin

LoveBeingAFirework · 30/11/2011 07:46

Why is it 'your house, your rules' only seems to apply to children?

lisianthus · 30/11/2011 07:52

YANBU. She was very rude. Apart from all the people in the UK who take their shoes off inside, and there are a lot of them, it can hardly be a surprise to her that you are Japanese and so would expect her to take her shoes off.

TBH, if someone had disrespected me so blatantly in my own home, (the breezy "no thank you") I would have found it very difficult to be as polite as you were afterwards. If she is this ignorant, your brother needs to have a serious chat with her.

Backinthebox · 30/11/2011 07:54

I have the opposite problem at our house - because we live in the muddy back of beyond we have stone floors throughout most of the downstairs of our house - wipe clean, you see. But when guests see me taking off my filthy boots by the door they all take theirs' off too, despite my reassurances that it is OK for them to keep their shoes on. And there is the heart of this particular issue: regardless of who you are or where you come from, if the host behaves in a particular way in their own home and it is not unreasonable to do so, follow your host's lead. It's only polite.

I can't see what all the fuss is about being asked to remove one's shoes.

BornToBeRiled · 30/11/2011 07:58

When I was growing up, we never had to take shoes off inside, nor did a single other household that we know. It was just unheard of. If it had been me, i would absolutely have complied, but would have felt like a told off child and uncomfortable, as if I wad being criticised before I even got througj the door. BIL was BU. Perhaps you should have said "i don't know if BIL told you but in Japanese culture we take our shoes off. Would you mind? I have clean slippers if you don't like bare feet"

DigOfTheChristmasTreeStump · 30/11/2011 07:59

I would far rather people kept their shoes on. I hate the idea of people's sweaty socks or bare feet on my floors over the idea of their shoes.

I find it very odd that people have no shOe rule, it really bemuses me.

ErnesttheBavarian · 30/11/2011 07:59

surely the cultural thing is a separate issue.

(That makes it even ruder)

Surely as a guest refusing the polite and reasonable request of a host is just plain rude irrespective of culture?

I am english, brought up in England, we wore shoes in our house. I try to remember but I think we always did and it was normal.

then we moved to Switzerland where it's really not the done thing, and we were expected to remove our shoes. I didn't stamp my feet and refuse because it wasn't my culture. Anyway, it makes sense and we adopted the custom too. I v quickly saw the big difference it makes to the cleanliness of a house (swiss houses tend to be tiled, or wood, rather than carpet) Carpets hide loads of muck that just stands out on tiles.

When we have guests I would expect them to remove shoes. Not because it's my culture, because it isn't, but because it's what we do in our home.

If I asked a guest to remove shoes and they refused I would be pretty shocked and actually think they were extremely rude and unfriendly (what's the guest equivalent of inhospitable?)

Now most of my family back in england remove shoes, I think it's caught on in UK too and appears to be pretty normal there too now.

BTW, ime in switzerland, the no shoes rule was wavered for parties, no one removed shoes for a party whereas they automatically would if it was an individual visit iyswim.

Herald, I found your post rascist, rude and unpleasant.

tunnelmaniac · 30/11/2011 08:03

That is very rude, in my experience japanese homes always have beautifully spotless floors as well, so slippers not desperately necessary, unlike many of our compatriots who need bloody lessons on how to wash a floor. Mind, If you are farming it's not always practical - I allow shoes on the hard floors (kitchen, downstairs loo), but not on the carpets.

TheRealTillyMinto · 30/11/2011 08:15

YANBU. Your house. Your culture your rules. For myself it depends on the type of visit. Family, shoes off. Friends for relaxed dinner, shoes off. We are having 50 for Christmas drinks and the will be shoes on & I hope no heals will damage the floor, the the cleaner can deal with the aftermath. someone elses house, I look at their feet & do the same or ask.

carabos · 30/11/2011 08:19

My Japanese friend doesn't just ask people to remove shoes, she insists. She also provides slippers, is uncomfortable with people who don't wear them and stick to their socks or bare feet. She doesn't like it if you bring your own slippers or indoor shoes.

When a group of people arrives for a party or event, the process of getting into the house from the porch takes ages while everyone goes through the changing shoes, finding slippers that fit thing, having the gentle tussle over not going in in your socks / not wearing your own slippers. However, her house, her rules.