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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

just to sign the pre-nup, to end all the shit?

108 replies

smithfox · 29/11/2011 11:07

DP and I and the 3 DCS (with one on the way) live in the States (in UK at mo though)

DP is from the US.

We are finally getting our act together and getting married (much to his parents chargrin)

My PIL (basicaly) really dont like me - i have corrupted their son, I'm only after one thing, i'm a gold digger (all said to my face on countless occassions)

DP has a difficult relationship with them anyway - because of me and the fact he doesn't do exactly what they want him to do etc.

DPs parents declared about a month back (before we flew out here) that we must sign a pre-nup before getting married. (they have legal standing in the US)
Now it cant include the DCs but will include money and assests.

We have been together since I was 19 and he was 23, we will have 4 DCs together. - not like a quicky wedding

We both agree that it is stupid and we are not doing it etc.

Except his parents are now saying that if I dont sign a pre-nup. DP wont get any of the money coming his way after their death (he got his trust funds at 21 and 25 but his inheritance if you like) and he can kiss his half of the company goodbye (he is already a partner but he woudnt inherit it - it would get sold either when they die or decide to sell - under the current rules underwritting it they cant just sell while DP and his brother are partners)

DP says stuff them - that no way is he making me sign a pre-nup
His brother thinks they are being equally ridiculos but they wont listen to him either

I dont want to sign - they are horrible people and i am certainly not marrying DP just to get my mits on his money

But this is getting silly - DP isnt talking to them, they wont see DCs till I sign and it isnt just the fact DP would lose out on the company he works very hard for (the money is neither here nor there really), but the fact that would mean my DCs would miss out inheritance and the company (if they would want it)

AIBU to just sign the bloody thing and end all this?? i am at the end of my tether with it all and feel like I'm ripping his family apart because of this

OP posts:
bemybebe · 29/11/2011 11:13

Depending on the terms of prenap I would probably sign... Sad I am glad your DP is on your side.

Malificence · 29/11/2011 11:14

I can see why you want to sign it just to end the heartache but if you do you will have settled for a life of them calling all the shots.
If your DH is a partner then surely his share is already his, has he taken legal advice about this?

They sound like truly awful people to want to do this.

muffinino82 · 29/11/2011 11:15

WTF has it got to do with them? I'm so glad your DF is standing by you. I'd tell them to fuck off and mind their own business. After 3 (4) children you are more than married and it's a bit late now to consider that your relationship is just a temporary thing. I'm sure that as far as you're concerned you won't need one anyway. Surely they realise that with 4 children you'd get a fair chunk anyway if you were to split up (I'd have thought, not sure about US laws)? I wouldn't worry about the inheritence, you can make it on your own and they may screw you over anyway.

muffinino82 · 29/11/2011 11:16

Oh, and I wouldn't sign it and have them think that I would bend over to their every whim for the rest of my life, either.

kidsinamerica · 29/11/2011 11:16

You don't want a prenup.

He doesn't want a prenup.

The money doesn't matter.

Don't sign, don't inherit, don't be dictated to.

No problem.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 29/11/2011 11:17

I would worry that i would sign it and they would do something evil anyway....like disinherit him for some other "slight" and then you have put your principles in the bin for nothing.

I wouldn't sign it personally.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 29/11/2011 11:17

If you allow them to dictate to you now, you will set yourself up for a lifetime of it.

knittedbreast · 29/11/2011 11:18

dont sign.

tigermoll · 29/11/2011 11:20

It depends on the terms of the pre-nup. If it is fair and something you would agree to should the worst happen, then you are probably ok to sign it. Are they asking you to agree to something reasonable?

If, however, it is punitive, and would leave you without a reasonable share (and crucially, for your children) then FGS, don't sign. Does it have clauses about who would get the children? Would it leave you without rights over the marital home?

I' not saying that you and your DP are going to get divorced, - you seem very united and happy. But if it should happen, you don't want to have shot yourself in the foot.

AMumInScotland · 29/11/2011 11:21

They are the ones who are ripping their family apart - if both DP and his brother agree that they are being ridiculous then they quite obviously are being ridiculous and you really shouldn't pander to them. These people will continue to hold the purse strings to make DP (and you and the DC) dance to their tune for the rest of their lives.

DP should make sure he is getting paid properly for his work at the company - he may have been accepting a lower salary on the promise of inheritance, but he needs to adjust now and insist on proper pay, pension, etc. Or he should maybe be looking to move to a new job if his parents are genuinely like this and can't be taught to behave like civilised people.

nofrikkincarbs · 29/11/2011 11:21

dont sign

HeadfirstForHalos · 29/11/2011 11:21

I can see why you would be tempted to, but it won't end all your problems with his parents. It will be the start of a relationship where they feel they can dictate to you.

TheFarSide · 29/11/2011 11:22

I would absolutely not sacrifice my principles. I can't abide blackmail, emotional or otherwise.

If you don't sign and they disinherit him, they will have to live with that guilt and loss (of their son) for the rest of their lives - and I'm sure they will feel it on some level, no matter how much they try to convince themselves he deserves it.

Well done to your DP for standing up to them - it must be particularly hard for him.

emsyj · 29/11/2011 11:23

I'm with Mumbling - you will sign it and stay together, then they will disinherit you all anyway.

If they don't like you and don't want you to have their money then they will make sure that happens, regardless of what you do. Signing the prenup won't make them like you more or treat you better.

SanTEEClaus · 29/11/2011 11:24

I not only wouldn't sign, I'd get my partner to look for another job and cut them out of our lives completely.

SoupDragon · 29/11/2011 11:24

"If you allow them to dictate to you now, you will set yourself up for a lifetime of it."

This.

And the fact that even if you sign it they can't be trusted.

Alternatively, can you sign it and then get it made void without them knowing?

ChickensThinkYouCanGetStuffed · 29/11/2011 11:25

I wouldn't sign it. What vile people they are.

TheSecondComing · 29/11/2011 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DamselInDisarray · 29/11/2011 11:25

Don't sign it. You'd just be legitimising their role in defining the terms of your relationship.

You are not ripping any family apart; they are. Remember that.

Forget the inheritance. It's only money. Your DP and DC can make their own way in the world and will be far better off for not being in the thrall of controlling and nasty parents/grandparents.

In the longer term, it might be best for your DP to start looking for a job elsewhere. I know he's invested a lot in the family business, but hs parents are just using this as a tool to control him with. They have no right to do this and the best thing may be to remove himself from a situation where they can do this.

NinkyNonker · 29/11/2011 11:31

I can understand why you feel the way you do, you are trying to be pragmatic for the sake of your family. It is easy for me, sat a million miles away on the PC to say tell them to stuff it, but not so easy for you given he would be giving up a birthright, so to speak.

But I do agree with the others, it would stick in my throat far too much to sign. Look into the legalities around the business, after all if he is a prtner he has some rights. Likewise, if he has received trustfunds, and has experience at partner level presumeably money is not too much of a worry, and he has experience he can use to get a job elsewhere if necessary.

To be honest, I would be very tempted to tell them to shove the whole bloody lot, and never let them darken my door again. Your DC will not miss out, and your DH is on your side.

QuintessentialMercury · 29/11/2011 11:37

Just sign it.

It does not matter. You know you are not a gold digger, your dp will know you are not a gold digger, and now your (horrible) inlaws will know you are not, and they cannot EVER say you are a gold digger, because you signed the prenup, happily.

Your dp can chose to tear the prenup apart ANYTIME, or he can chose to not abide by it anytime, should you decide to split.

It does not mean a thing as long as the two of you are together, and happy, as you seem to be.

Dont let them make you think otherwise. Dont convince them that you ARE a gold digger by refusing to sign.

Just do it, it does not matter.....

WineAndPizza · 29/11/2011 11:39

I agree with the rest - Don't sign it. An inheritance should not be money that you expect to get anyway. Obviously the company is different but he must have some legal claim as a partner and again many people work for one company all their lives and don't inherit anything.

You sound like you two and your children are a lovely happy family, as others have said what is to stop them demanding whatever else they want on threat of disinheritance? The only way to remove that power is to tell them it doesn't matter to you and then they have lost their bargaining chip and may have to look at behaving like reasonable adults.

QuintessentialMercury · 29/11/2011 11:39

I should add, my parents had similar concerns when I married. It did not bother dp. He said he was happy with that. It proved to my parents that he loved me. And they embraced him into the family, without any prenup. Wink

Somehow I think this will not happen to YOU op, as your inlaws dont appear to be very nice. But the prenup should not have to mean a thing between you and your dh.

daveywarbeck · 29/11/2011 11:42

Don't sign, for all the reasons above. Once they have held inheritance over you and DH successfully once, they will do it again and again and again.

They have more to lose than you - you have their grandchildren.

MistressFrankly · 29/11/2011 11:43

They are clearly more concerned with their money than they are with their family. DP is on your side and it is his family creating the issues so dont sign it. If they want to cut him, and their GC out of money then let them. If they cant accept you after 3(4) kids they never will. Signing a prenup wont make them like you and the arguments will go on to something else.

In my opinion you and DP should stand your ground and live with the consequences if they choose to follow through with their threats. It is not for PIL to dictate the grounds of your marriage.

You can earn your own money and live in peace knowing you are not being blackmailed.

I took a similar stance with DDs fathers family. Was being threatened with dp losing inheritance etc if we did not do certain things and we decided to lose both the shitty family and the inheritance as we didn't want dd growing up thinking that this kind of behavior was acceptable, especially not between family.