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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

just to sign the pre-nup, to end all the shit?

108 replies

smithfox · 29/11/2011 11:07

DP and I and the 3 DCS (with one on the way) live in the States (in UK at mo though)

DP is from the US.

We are finally getting our act together and getting married (much to his parents chargrin)

My PIL (basicaly) really dont like me - i have corrupted their son, I'm only after one thing, i'm a gold digger (all said to my face on countless occassions)

DP has a difficult relationship with them anyway - because of me and the fact he doesn't do exactly what they want him to do etc.

DPs parents declared about a month back (before we flew out here) that we must sign a pre-nup before getting married. (they have legal standing in the US)
Now it cant include the DCs but will include money and assests.

We have been together since I was 19 and he was 23, we will have 4 DCs together. - not like a quicky wedding

We both agree that it is stupid and we are not doing it etc.

Except his parents are now saying that if I dont sign a pre-nup. DP wont get any of the money coming his way after their death (he got his trust funds at 21 and 25 but his inheritance if you like) and he can kiss his half of the company goodbye (he is already a partner but he woudnt inherit it - it would get sold either when they die or decide to sell - under the current rules underwritting it they cant just sell while DP and his brother are partners)

DP says stuff them - that no way is he making me sign a pre-nup
His brother thinks they are being equally ridiculos but they wont listen to him either

I dont want to sign - they are horrible people and i am certainly not marrying DP just to get my mits on his money

But this is getting silly - DP isnt talking to them, they wont see DCs till I sign and it isnt just the fact DP would lose out on the company he works very hard for (the money is neither here nor there really), but the fact that would mean my DCs would miss out inheritance and the company (if they would want it)

AIBU to just sign the bloody thing and end all this?? i am at the end of my tether with it all and feel like I'm ripping his family apart because of this

OP posts:

aldiwhore · 29/11/2011 11:44

I agree with kidsinamerica

If money's not an issue then you have two choices.

Sign the pre-nup, your DH will still get his inheritence.
Don't sign the pre-nup, your DH won't get his inheritence.

I'd probably sign it to be honest, although there would have to be certain allowances made in case of a split... if you're following his career for example or sacrificing financial independance for him/the marriage, its only right that if you do split you won't leave with nothing.

A pre-nup isn't always a BAD THING, it can also give you protection.

I understand why you're being stubborn. You don't want to dance to their tune, just your own and your DF's. The principle of the thing is the sticking point here isn't it? However, if you don't sign, then I think your battle with your in-laws will run and run, and can you really be bothered with that over something that you say you don't want (his money)?

YANBU. His parents ABVU. You have though, an easy way to end this particular criticism they have of you, by signing your name. Once signed, your DH MUST tell his parents in no uncertain terms that they must never again accuse you of gold digging. If they do, screw the inheritence, and rip up the pre-nup.

EricNorthmansMistress · 29/11/2011 11:44

Get married in secret (invite the people you like) and tell them you have changed your minds.

HeidiKat · 29/11/2011 11:45

I agree with the posters who have said don't sign it, get your fiance to look for another job and cut all contact. If my inlaws ever said such awful things to me as you have had to hear they would never ever see my DD again.

HipHopOpotomus · 29/11/2011 11:47

Presumably the Pre-Nup is between YOU and DP and is actually no business of your in-laws?

So for a quite life why not BOTH sign the Pre-Nup to shut the horrible family up, and then BOTH sign another agreement, at the same time, or next day WITHOUT TELLING HORRIBLE INLAWS, that dissolves the PreNup?

Sorted!

QuintessentialMercury · 29/11/2011 11:49

Those of you who say don't sign, it is very easy to have Principles on behalf of others......

It is also very easy to sever family relations and wave bye bye to money you are not ever going to see, on behalf of others.....

MrsMuddyPuddles · 29/11/2011 11:51

In one sentence you say both that they CAN?T sell out from under their partners (aka their sons) but also that they WILL force a sale ?when they die or decide to sell??you and DP and his brother should see a good lawyer with expertise in both the business side of things and the inheritance side to work out what is and isn?t possible for the parents to do. I would really just follow your DP?s lead in this and not bother signing (or have a quickie city hall marriage as soon as you?re back in the US, since then the ?pre nup or no pre nup? question will be solved).

This might actually be a good time for your DP and his brother to fly the nest and start a rival company...

daveywarbeck · 29/11/2011 11:53

I have severed relations with my father and lost what would be to me a fairly significant inheritance due to his unacceptable behaviour.

schobe · 29/11/2011 11:54

Sign it then go and get a solicitor to draw up a further agreement between you and DP which effectively annuls the pre-nup.

They need never know.

They sound divine.

DamselInDisarray · 29/11/2011 11:55

Given the choice between being controlled by nasty in-laws/parents for the rest of my life or making my own way, I know what I'd choose.

My father is a total twat and I've cut contact. I'll get no inheritance but I'm better off for it. Sure, the sums of money involved here are likely to be far greater but I'd still rather control my own life than be beholden to the whims of another.

Signing this prenup will not prove anything. The PILs will almost certain see it as having thwarted the evil gold-digger a bit. What about when they're dictating where you send your kids to school? Their university/career choices? What about when they don't like another decision your DP makes?

Honestly, get married in secret and bugger them all. Just don't tell them.

bemybebe · 29/11/2011 11:55

"Those of you who say don't sign, it is very easy to have Principles on behalf of others......"

QM not necessarily the case. The main issue is that pre-nap agreements are not enforceable in the UK, whilst they are very common in Europe and certainly in the US. I agree with others that the OP and her dp should not be dictated to but it is also worth understanding that people in very loving relationships sign pre-naps routinely and their relationships do not go sour because of it. Pre-naps can protect the woman and they can be varied, it is not some sort of financial Rubincon. As someone upthread said it is not necessarily a "bad" thing.

OP, get proper financial adivce in the US. If you do not want the sign, then don't, nobody should be telling you what to do, but understand the full picture first.

DamselInDisarray · 29/11/2011 11:56

I very much doubt that the PILs would allow the OP and her DP to determine the terms of the prenup here.

daveywarbeck · 29/11/2011 11:57

My issue is not the pre-nup itself but the attempt to exert control over the OP and her husband, with threats of financial penalties. Nothing to say when they get their way over this thing, they won't make the same threats over another thing.

I agree pre-nups can be a very good thing.

Maryz · 29/11/2011 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Catslikehats · 29/11/2011 12:00

No money in the world is worth being dictated to by people that have no qualms with holding the emotional well being of your children to ransom.

Your DP clearly has some stake in the business already - they cannot simply take that from him. Perhaps he needs to start playing hard ball and making it clear that he too has options when it comes to his role in the family.

TheRuderBarracuda · 29/11/2011 12:01

What schobe said.

Am a lawyer, but not a family lawyer and certainly not a US lawyer but as a pre-nup is just a contract, surely it can be undone? PILs need only have the signed copy of the prenup.

You and DH should take some legal advice - regardless of whether you sign or you don't you both need to know the legal consequences of your actions - and also how far PILs can actually cut him out of inheriting (English law would give a right of close relation to challenge will cutting them out) on basis of prenup. Also ask about how duress (e.g. refusing to have a relationship with their grandchildren) affects the validity of the prenup.

Do some research and get some good legal advice on your options first. You and DH are obviously very much a team so use that teamwork to good effect against the PILs to ensure you and your children's future freedom and happiness (with or without inheritance money).

nickelbabe · 29/11/2011 12:02

I wouldn't sign it either.
Your DP might make more money in his own right later on that your DCs can inherit, and a Pre-nup might mean that you'd end up with nothing of that.

your in-laws are trying to dictate to you both how to arrange your marriage, and that's not right - the marriage is between you and your DP, not you and his parents.
tell them you won't sign it.

(or get married in secret, then they won't have a choice)

KittieCat · 29/11/2011 12:05

I wholeheartedly agree with QuintessentialMercury. Wise words.

I hate the idea of a prenup BUT in this situation it seems the wise thing to sign and be done with it. Surely you and DH to be can choose to ignore it moving forward and you'll hopefully never need to even think about it as you embark on married life.

They sound like nasty, nasty people though...

emsyj · 29/11/2011 12:06

I love how trusting so many of you are - 'just sign it and he'll get his inheritance' - um, do you really think it's as simple as that?

I bet anyone willing to take the bet £50 that if they sign the pre-nup they will STILL be disinherited. Signing the prenup is neither here nor there IMO - I would probably smile and sign it and perhaps later destroy/dissolve it - but I certainly would not for a moment think that the PILs would then act 'honourably' in respect of the family business and inheritance.

NhameCage · 29/11/2011 12:21

Don't sign it. It will store up an endless can of worms for the future - whether real or imagined. Sounds like they are trying to get one over on you.

I would consult a lawyer yourself if necessary. They might be able to write you (both of you) a letter outlining all the reasons why this would be bad for your family. You will have to pay for it of course but it might give them pause for thought and some much needed distance from the situation.

Don't retaliate by making any threats yourself, this would just be held against you.

They sound horrible, you might be better off without them to be perfectly frank, who needs that kind of pressure within a family?

Have you ever done anything to make them treat you this way?

MarieFromStMoritz · 29/11/2011 12:22

Tell them to fuck off.

PicaK · 29/11/2011 12:23

My only query would be about what would happen if you signed and then your DP died. Sorry, horrid thing to imagine I know - and it probably wouldn't affect anything but worth double checking for your kids' sake.

WhollyGhost · 29/11/2011 12:25

Definitely, consult a lawyer

I can see this ending badly, whatever you do they may still choose to exercise the power they have over you

GiserableMitt · 29/11/2011 12:37

I assume that they will be arranging the terms of the pre-nup?

SnapesMistress · 29/11/2011 12:38

Oh good point PicaK OP could end up seriously screwed if that was the case. :(

TalkinPeace2 · 29/11/2011 12:40

Sign it Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse (so its no longer blank but invalid) and send it to his parents as their ONLY Christmas present from you.

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