just to sign the pre-nup, to end all the shit?

[smithfox]

DP and I and the 3 DCS (with one on the way) live in the States (in UK at mo though)

DP is from the US.

We are finally getting our act together and getting married (much to his parents chargrin)

My PIL (basicaly) really dont like me - i have corrupted their son, I'm only after one thing, i'm a gold digger (all said to my face on countless occassions)

DP has a difficult relationship with them anyway - because of me and the fact he doesn't do exactly what they want him to do etc.

DPs parents declared about a month back (before we flew out here) that we must sign a pre-nup before getting married. (they have legal standing in the US)
Now it cant include the DCs but will include money and assests.

We have been together since I was 19 and he was 23, we will have 4 DCs together. - not like a quicky wedding

We both agree that it is stupid and we are not doing it etc.

Except his parents are now saying that if I dont sign a pre-nup. DP wont get any of the money coming his way after their death (he got his trust funds at 21 and 25 but his inheritance if you like) and he can kiss his half of the company goodbye (he is already a partner but he woudnt inherit it - it would get sold either when they die or decide to sell - under the current rules underwritting it they cant just sell while DP and his brother are partners)

DP says stuff them - that no way is he making me sign a pre-nup
His brother thinks they are being equally ridiculos but they wont listen to him either

I dont want to sign - they are horrible people and i am certainly not marrying DP just to get my mits on his money

But this is getting silly - DP isnt talking to them, they wont see DCs till I sign and it isnt just the fact DP would lose out on the company he works very hard for (the money is neither here nor there really), but the fact that would mean my DCs would miss out inheritance and the company (if they would want it)

AIBU to just sign the bloody thing and end all this?? i am at the end of my tether with it all and feel like I'm ripping his family apart because of this

Think of it this way - if you refuse to sign the prenup you might lose out on the chance of getting your hands on their money and frittering it on something they would have hated. Just think of the satisfaction.

I think you could sign this and they will still cut your dh out and maybe leave everything directly to your kids. People who seriously don't want you to have their money will make sure that you don't get it.

I also think that pride and self respect are very important. I think mine would have to tell them to fuck the fuck off.

You need to consult your own lawyer, one who can advise you on both UK and US law. If you did ever divorce would you live in the US or UK as this would effect the validity of the prenup.

Cant you just get married in secret and not tell the PIL?

You need to find out if you'the DCs are better off married with a prenup or unmarried, you find find out you are better protected by the latter.

You should not be giving up the rights to the home you live in though, that is non-negotiable.

Does your DP have a will? What does it say? If he doesnt atm you are in a precarious position.

What do your PIL think of any inheritance going straight to your DCs? Do they have other DGCs? Could you negotiate a lifetime right for a income and house for you (with no right to pass on to a future spouse or DCs) as a compromise?

Don't sign, they will control you forever. I would rather be free.

Not same situation but my PIL have tried many a trick over money and we told them to shove it called their bluff.

Better by far to willingly give up the inheritance for the kids and to be out of the control of the inlaws

this family business isn't worth selling your soul for surely?

It's all very well to say "sign the pre-nup to their face then negate it" - but what happens then? What effect with the signing have on her DP's parents' behaviour?

They will take it as carte blanche to rattle the 'we will disinherit you' sabre over their son every time they want to have a say in the OP's and her DH's/DC's lives. Because it worked the last time, didn't it? And even if OP and her DH obeyed every time, they could still disinherit their son. And I think they would.

That they could consider doing it at all makes it very likely IMO that they will do it at some point, regardless of whether this wretched pre-nup is entered into or no. Because once the thought is in their head, it takes root. They don't like the OP, they have made that clear. They will disinherit their son out of sheer spite and pleasure in exerting control over others.

This is such a typical controlling tactic. The PIL will ask for something neither of you want, if you agree then you have proved that your personal boundaries are "permeable". Anything else they want, if less objectionable than a pre-nup, you will be thinking "oh, this new request is such a small thing" and will likely give in too. The more you give in over the years (as you can't possibly believe this disinheritance tactic will never be used again), the more you will have invested in the inheritance and the more you will be willing to do to "justify" the hoops through which you have already jumped.

And there is no way to prevent the PILs from leaving the inheritance to a cat's home in the end anyway.

You don't have to prove to the PILs that you are not a gold digger. Although they clearly have a low view of their son's judgment in being with you, your DP's views of you are the only pnes that matter. You either are a good person or you aren't. Living your life in order to try to get people to think you aren't a gold digger is only going to lead to insecurity, constant second-guessing yourself and unhappiness for you.

If you sign a prenup it has to be one that you and your DP plus your lawyers agree on, not one that your ILs have drawn up. It needs to make provision for you and the children in the event of your husband's death or divorce, and it needs to account for the fact that you gave up a career to support your husband's career ( and hence indirectly the family business).

If you don't get one, it sends a message that your marriage means more to both of you than the money does - which in a way publicly disproved the gold digger idea.

I agree with other posters - agreeing to the ILs prenup won't be the end of it. The threat of disinheritance will be wheeled out every time they want their own way.