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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To only want to look after my own children on strike day?

204 replies

emkana · 26/11/2011 11:12

I'm a sahm. I know one of my wohm friends was hoping I would offer to have her two on strike day - they are already coming round for"after school" that day but I just can't face having them for the whole day. I know with just my three it will be a fun relaxing day but with five, four of them girls who don't want to include ds who is the youngest it would be no fun at all. Is that horrible of me?

OP posts:
BendyBob · 28/11/2011 10:27

Agree with Greythorne's posts 100%.

As it happens I am helping out a friend but I offered, she didn't ask me. Anyway she'd help me out similarly anytime and is a good friend.

But surely if you work you have contingency plans in place and backup arranged in case of unforseen situations ie a childminder.

'I think sahms should do all they can to support wohms.' Nope. I feel no obligation on that score whatsoever. I see no army of wohm on my doorstep offering the support their hard earned cash.

fastweb · 28/11/2011 10:36

I don't agree, I'm afraid. The second a scapegoat is needed the spotlight falls on WOHMs.

I disagree. I found equal measure of "looking down nose at" when being both a SAHM and WOHM. I felt like I couldn't win no matter what I did.

One of the real advantages of being a WAHM is the worst I have to contend with are refences to me being a jammy git and a steadfast refusal to acknowledge that pure luck alone did not make this happen.

I'll take that any day over the shit that is thrown at both the SAH or WOH mother.

And as a gender I wish we would stop colluding with that by pitting one against the other, either in terms of who is making the right/best choice, who is obliged to help out the most, or who gets it most in the neck becuase of their choices.

It's not a fecking competition, especially since we are all supposed to be on the same side.

seeker · 28/11/2011 10:38

"But seeker, rather than expecting the women who are at home in pinnies to pick up the slack, which reinforces the idea that they (the SAHMs have got nothing better to do because they are sitting in the sofa, eating bon bons and watching telly), the better way to fight for women's equality in the workplace is to shift the responsibility 50% on to the fathers."

Even if it was 50% the father's responsibility, someone would hove to take time off work to look after the children on Wednesday. As I said, I don't think that the way I use my time is any less valuable than that of a woman who goes out to work- but my time can easily accommodate a couple of extra children in a way that a train driver's can't.

EightiesChick · 28/11/2011 10:49

Good point fastweb. It is in the interests of patriarchy (yes, breaking out the feminist thing again) to have women split into factions. We should all be recognising the value of a woman's labour whether it happens in the home or for a paid external employer. That's why SAHMs should not just be expected to pick up the slack here, and why fathers should be called on more and more to pick it up instead.

WorraLiberty · 28/11/2011 10:54

I think Greythorne should be spokeswoman for all of us SAHMs Grin

NoHaudinMaWheest · 28/11/2011 11:03

OP you said your son has SN. I don't know how much that has influenced your decision to be a SAHM, but it will make your life more difficult and you have indicated that it makes reciprocal childcare more difficult. As you already help your friend generally and are doing so on Wed inspite of this I really don't think you have any reason for feeling bad about not picking up the hints and offering to do more. If she has other options all the more reason for you to feel fine about it. I know why you might feel uncomfortable though I always felt bad, that I could offer to help because my DS SN made it just too much.

seeker · 28/11/2011 11:15

"It's not a fecking competition, especially since we are all supposed to be on the same side."

Absolutely. That's why I do everythingi can to support other women. I actually think that women have responsibility to do this- just as I think they have a responsibility to look at each choice they make with a feminist perspective. Choice alone is not feminism. My time is as valuable as the next woman's. But it is also flexible enough to accommodate some extra children when necessary. Many other women's time isn't.

IvantaOuiOui · 28/11/2011 11:38

Unless she was also offering me childcare on a day I needed it, I think I would prefer her to use her leave. I became a childminder this year after years of being a SAHM - I used to get many, many urgent requests to "just help me out" from friends on strike days/inset days/holidays who were desperate for childcare, and as I like having kids around I mostly agreed. Now I'm OFSTED registered I charge a daily rate and suddenly grandparents are helping out the people who always wanted to send their kids to me. I have always supported my friends, but I have a child with SN and I need to earn money without putting him into childcare.

fastweb · 28/11/2011 12:19

Absolutely. That's why I do everythingi can to support other women

Where does placing a blanket obligation on one set of women, thus inflaming an already throbbing sore point which breeds factions and in fighting, fit in with the principle of doing all one can to "support other women" ?

StandingAlone · 28/11/2011 12:20

OP YANBU, I am a SAHM, I have done this before and had the piss well and truly taken. I love unexpected days like this. The DD's and I are going out on Wednesday on the train to visit my parents and the girls are very excited, I don't want any other children to be responsible for on that day.

Although I would do this for my very good friend who lives a few doors up from me as I know that not only would she not take the piss, she would reciprocate if I needed her too. Also her boys are fantastically well behaved and get on with my girls like a house on fire.

My next door but one neighbour I wouldn't do it for as he takes the piss and would never in a million years reciprocate, plus his DD is very very hard to handle and is extremely difficult.

Greythorne · 28/11/2011 12:41

worraliberty
since we talking strike days, I'll be the shop steward for SAHMs :)

Original poster
emkana · 28/11/2011 21:19

On the news today - Gove talking of "mothers" having to take a day off...

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 28/11/2011 21:27

Yes, he does seem to pointedly ignore the fact that father's should view finding child care as 50% their responsibility.

Portofino · 28/11/2011 21:37

If this was a good friend and I was available to help, I would cope for one day. I would not make a big issue of it. I don't get the idea that working fathers should take 50% responsibility in the case where the mother is at home - or vice versa. If DH was home that day and could help a friend by looking after another couple of kids then he would.

To me the issue is less about fathers and mothers, but an exceptional circumstance where leave is cancelled for many and helping your friends out if you can. Isn't that what makes the world go round? On lots of different levels....

fedupofnamechanging · 28/11/2011 21:47

The father should take 50% of the responsibility, in households where both the mother and father woh. Obviously if one parent is a sahp, then they don't have the issue of needing cover for their own kids.

MummyAnnabella · 28/11/2011 22:08

I was asked by friend to take ber 2 which with my 3 would be 5 under 5. I'm a sahm. She works part time.

She too didn't want to "waste" a days holiday. She is "wasting" a days holiday the next week to go to a spa. She can well afford the extra day childcare. She can also her non working day for strike day but needs her "day off".

I said no. As someone here said no can be a complete sentence:)

Original poster
emkana · 28/11/2011 22:15

I reckon the only way to make this work would be if I didn't have ds to look after. I know, he can go to his grandmother so that I can look after my friend 's children Grin

OP posts:
IvantaOuiOui · 29/11/2011 09:30

I've had another request to look after a child "just as a favour"...this annoys me as I have a lovely day out planned for my mindees and own kids, they know I'm a childminder and I don't earn any money from favours, or generally get any back so I said no.

niceguy2 · 29/11/2011 09:36

What's a WOHM?

hmc · 29/11/2011 09:41

Emkana - you are not being unreasonable. I am saddled with a friends boy from 8.30 to 13.30. Am currently struggling with a rotten cold (headaches and nosebleeds) and had planned to have a restorative lie in tommorrow to aid my recovery but now can't do.....also having the boy completely changes the dynamics leaving my daughter at a loose end and pestering me!

fedupofnamechanging · 29/11/2011 09:44

WOHM = working out of house mother

fedupofnamechanging · 29/11/2011 09:46

hmc, if you are ill, then you should cancel. Why did you agree to something that you so clearly don't want to do?

hmc · 29/11/2011 09:47

Because I am a bit spineless especially when I am feeling below par - and because I owe her a favour.

hmc · 29/11/2011 09:49

And I don't want her to be in a fix since she is a friend......

natation · 29/11/2011 09:59

It really got up my nose that Tory saying on TV MOTHERS have to take the day off (what not fathers?) and that child care is expensive... well bloody make child care before and after school and during school holidays for 3 to 11 year olds the norm rather than the exception, subsidise it at source so many income groups can benefit from it, rather than those claiming child care element of WTC, as those just above WTC thresholds are not exactly rich either and they get NO help whereas those just within the limits get 70% help (for OFTED approved) leaving those just above thresholds worse off.

Yes if there is a SAHP the burden of the child care will normally rest upon them, but the responsibility for children should be 50/50, whether together or apart, so why on earth is the father of the OP's friend's children not dealing with arrangements too?

I have been a SAHM during maternity leaves, I would never look after anyone's children because I felt I owed it to working parents, I would always look after other people's children because I wanted to help people out, SAHPs owe working parents nothing in terms of free child care.