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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To only want to look after my own children on strike day?

204 replies

emkana · 26/11/2011 11:12

I'm a sahm. I know one of my wohm friends was hoping I would offer to have her two on strike day - they are already coming round for"after school" that day but I just can't face having them for the whole day. I know with just my three it will be a fun relaxing day but with five, four of them girls who don't want to include ds who is the youngest it would be no fun at all. Is that horrible of me?

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 26/11/2011 14:31

I have an extra 2 here on strike day for a mate, it's all swings and roundabouts, there will be a time when I will need to call on her for a favour - and I know she'll do it for me :)

fastweb · 26/11/2011 14:34

Miserable and unhelpful

No love.

It's best to help where ready, willing and able.

Biting off a chunk of what you decidedly don't want to chew tends to leave nobody happy.

I have one kid, aged 11, who'll play with all comers regardless of age or gender. And am surrounded by fields that I can send them out to play in if the noise level is annoying me. I also have a husband who works from home who likes taking advantage of the limited footie caperbilities of children, so he can feel like Maradonna in comparison and kid himself that Inter missed the opp. of a lifetime by failing to sign him up.

Change those circs and my child stealing borrowing tendencies would quickly fade.

sunnyday123 · 26/11/2011 16:28

I wouldn't do it. I suppose it depends what the impact is on your own kids. If you know they would have a better time with the extra kids round then do it but if there's likely to be issues/someone getting upset then there's no way i'd do it. I wouldn't dream of asking someone either? I've took annual leave but i would have just paid for child care otherwise.

sunnyday123 · 26/11/2011 16:30

Just to add i've also used similar 'going out' excuses! Its no unreasonable to want to spend a nice day/ weekend with your own kids - like you said you would probably have to stay in with 5 whereas you can get out and about easier with 2/3

fedupofnamechanging · 26/11/2011 16:44

I am a terrible friend, but on the whole I'd be inclined not to. If they all got on like a house on fire, then great, but not if your own ds will be excluded.

I would prefer just spending the day with my own dc. Being a sahm comes with quite a few disadvantages, but one of the good things is being able to cover days like this with your own kids and have no worries regarding child care. You are kind of losing out on one of the few advantages in order to cover someone else's ability to earn money. I would prefer to take my dc out and have a good day with them.

That sounds terribly selfish and if I had a very close friend (who would go out of her way to do me a favour), then I'd help out and just make them include ds, but if she's more of an acquaintance, then I wouldn't put her needs ahead of my own wishes.

Sassybeast · 26/11/2011 16:49

Wow - you say this is a 'friend' Some people have funny notions of what 'friendship' involves.
Best be glad that you'll never, ever, ever need to ask one of your 'friends' to help you out Hmm

WhoWhoWhoWho · 26/11/2011 17:01

I have told my brand new boss that I can't work Wednesday due to the strike, which means I am potentially losing a days pay and inconveniencing new boss but not much other option. Dad also works, my mum is working (unlike all her coleaugues) and I would never ever dream of asking my friend to have him as I know he is hard work.

Original poster
emkana · 26/11/2011 17:24

This is the thing - I can't take five out so would be stuck in the house all day and the bickering etc would be terrible, whereas with my three we can do a bit of craft, they enjoy doing tole play together... The thing is I know she has annual leave left but she doesn't want to "waste" it.

OP posts:
Familydilemma · 26/11/2011 18:05

Sassybeast that's really unfair. Being a friend does not mean being on call at all times. I would always help friends if I could but my real friends would understand a no and not expect me to help.

BobMarley · 26/11/2011 18:49

I would help a friend out if their children would be good friends of mine, but I'm not into being a childminder for other people's children just because they work.

I chose to be a SAHM because I wanted to enjoy my children and not be stressed out about it. I sacrifised my career for it, I didn't do that to then take the responsibility of other's people's children. Certainly not if it means that one of my children then gets excluded. And it is very unfortunate that it means complications for friends but they'll have to find other solutions. Not to mention that a whole working day from 8-6 would be absolutely exhausting with 5 kids and means you would probably be stuck in the house all day.

A very big ask and unless you are very, very close friends quite an unacceptable favour to ask IMO.

Sirzy · 26/11/2011 18:49

Can you not say you will have them from lunchtime? Then it's not as much for you but she can still get half a days work done?

CrunchyFrog · 26/11/2011 18:58

I'm with Fastweb. I have some spare kids whenever I want them (they're from a family of 8, for some reason their mum is always willing to have them come and play...)

Life with 6 kids is WAY better - they are out of my hair, they play nicely, and OPK tidy up nicely because they Fear Me. Grin

Greythorne · 26/11/2011 19:01

Being a SAHM means losing a lot: salary, status, time away from demanding kids, others' perceptions of being "useful" and "contributing" not only to family finances but also society.

The benefits include being available for your children when they are ill and off school or on strike days.

Swings and roundabouts.

WOHM get the opposite. Don't know why the "if she's losing a day's salary, you should help out" trumps eerything. As a SAHM, you are losing out on your entire salary.

Do it if you want, OP. Certainly don't do it out of guilt, peer pressure or sense that this is what friends are for. Do you ask her to split her salary with you because you don't get one?

Original poster
emkana · 26/11/2011 19:12

I'm quite relieved, expected a lot more yabu!

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 26/11/2011 19:13

I would do it. If it was more than a day, I'd think twice, but since it's just for a single day and it would be really helping someone out, I would say yes.

Familydilemma · 26/11/2011 19:25

When I first became a sahm, I became the first port of call for wohm friends when their childcare fell through. Some even offered to pay me. I now have an informal rule (not shared with others obviously) that I will always help when medical or compassionate emergencies crop up but won't usually if it's work related. I find it stressful having other children around so it costs me emotionally when I do it if not financially. I made this decision after one friend decided she didn't like her mother in law covering so she'd ask me and another didnt want to pay nursery prices. I felt that they'd missed the point of what my childcare cost per day (my list salary) and were taking the mick a bit. But I often help other friends who find themselves in a pickle. The point is-I'm not obliged to and I don't think that it makes me a bad friend not to say no. As you say-no salary sharing going on.

OhCobblers · 26/11/2011 19:48

what Greythorne said at 19.01 x 3. I completely agree.

OP YANBU, but what has happenend/been said to "imply" that she was hoping you would take them ALL day? (sorry, if i've not read that in the thread).

DontCallMeBaby · 26/11/2011 20:02

YANBU. I'd offered to have two kids on Wednesday just cos my job is more flexible than most (although as it turns out the school is half open and DD's teacher will be in after all). But it was my OFFER, no one asked. If they'd asked I'd still have been up for it though, for the same reason I only ever ask WOHM friends to help out - there's a chance to reciprocate. Oh, plus I only have one child, so nine times out of ten an extra child makes my life easier. Extra two might have been pushing my luck though.

Greythorne · 26/11/2011 20:04

I am a SAHM and I frequently helped a friend who worked theoretically part time, but was often required to work weekends as well. I would often have her DD for the whole day, no problem, no quesrions asked, no reciprocity expected. But then her DD was an absolute delight; a bit older than my DDs and hence heron worshipped by them; helpful and polite. I enjoyed havi g her.

But kids who don't fit into your family set up, don't get on with your own children or who are just ill-mannered or anniying, certainly not! That's work and should be remunerated as such.

Greythorne · 26/11/2011 20:04

Hero worshipped not heron worshipped.

UniS · 26/11/2011 20:17

fastweb- I understood your post re yo wotsits PERFECTLY , Similar situation round here with moshi monsters ...

I am losing a days pay on wed as my planned place of work will not be open, I shall be doing some self employed work instead. I will be taking DS with me but only because I've risk assessed the situation and decided its going to work OK with enough bribes and distractions. He will like having a large hall to trundle a tractor and trailer about in.

Dozer · 26/11/2011 20:22

Why should SAHMs help? If we choose to work (I work), then part of what goes with that is organising and paying for childcare.

It's not just strike days, it's inset, holidays, days when DC are ill, CM is off or whatever. The strike day is just another day when school is closed, and they are closed a lot.

Are sahms expected to help, for free, on all the other days? No. And nor should they be expected to for the strike.

cambridgeferret · 26/11/2011 20:54

Don't feel obliged to do it OP. The ability to say no when it doesn't suit and you know it won't work is a priceless skill. As is switching off your guilt chip.

I've mastered the "sorry can't do it" now when DD1's classmate's mum tries for free afterschool childcare with a day's notice yet again.
DD doesn't actually like her that much and that's good enough for me. Any guilt feelings have a fairly short half-life. Cruel? Maybe. But I can live with that.

fedupofnamechanging · 26/11/2011 21:18

OP, if your friend has annual leave, then really she should use it to look after her own dc. Don't get palmed off with her kids, which will ruin your own day, just so she can keep all her holiday leave intact.

clairefromsteps · 26/11/2011 21:28

If her kids were a delight to have around I would say yes, help your mate out. Especially if there is a chance she would reciprocate in the future. However, if it means your DS is going to be left and it will therefore make your day more difficult, I'd say no way.

And if I'd heard that she was calling on me because she didn't want to 'waste' her annual leave I'd start hoiking up my bosom and setting my mouth in a grim line.